by Cox, Zara
He closed his eyes and his chest expanded on a ragged inhale. “Then she found drugs.”
Her breath caught.
“It was soft stuff at first. I didn’t think anything of it because I…I was using too.” His hand tightened on her nape and his eyes searched hers frantically. Understanding. He wanted understanding.
Her hand slid around his waist. When she nodded, he exhaled.
“Even after she started the hard core stuff I never thought twice about it. I was already making serious money from my business ventures. I was young, a bit of an arrogant dick and independently wealthy enough to have a fucking posse. They kept me supplied with enough drugs to keep everyone happy but right from the start it was very much recreational for me. I could stop whenever I wanted so I foolishly believed she could too.”
“But she couldn’t?”
He shook his head. “Her parents began to get suspicious when she stopped calling and refused to return home between semesters. When they threatened to cut her off and sent her brother after her - he’s everything you can possibly imagine a tyrannical, asshole of an older brother can be, by the way - she panicked and for a while she stopped using. I checked her into rehab to get her clean properly. She even went home for a couple of weeks. But within a week of returning for our last semester, she was using again.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the sofa. “I tried to get her clean again.”
“Because you felt responsible.”
Stormy grey eyes met her, and her heart squeezed at the raging torment in the bottomless depths.
“I was responsible. I introduced her to that world, to that life. Hell, I rolled up and put her first joint in her hand!”
Chapter Twenty-One
A shudder of revulsion scoured his insides and Zach felt her hand tighten around his waist. When the shaking didn’t stop, he drained his wine and willed his unraveling control back into his body.
“Zach, there was no possible way you could know that things would end up that way. Thousands of people experiment one way or the other when they’re young. Not everyone turns into a raging addict.”
He winced and saw contrition cloud her eyes.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that harshly.”
He shook his head. Only Bethany would state the blatant truth then apologise for the delivery. “Did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Did you experiment?”
Her gaze slid away and she shook her head. When he winced again, those blue eyes slammed back into his. “Not because I was some goody two shoes. The only reason I didn’t try anything was because one whiff gave me a violent headache.” She gave a mocking laugh and shrugged. “My body was warning me not to mess with it. And I was too chicken to disobey it.”
“You weren’t chicken. You were being sensible.” He gazed down into her stunning face, amazed all over again by how incredibly gorgeous she was, inside and out. How incredibly lucky he was to be sitting here with her. To shamelessly let her sooth away the sharp knife of memory that threatened to slash his insides to shreds.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Zach?” she asked softly.
He slid his hand from her nape to her jaw and down to her plump lips. “I’m thinking If only I’d met you then, instead of…” he stopped himself for the futile wish even as another jab kicked his heart into his gut again.
What sort of bastard was he, wishing a woman whose life he’d messed up and ended away from existence? “God, you must think I’m a fucking A-hole by now.”
She gave a soft gasp. “No. We all wish things to be different in hindsight. I wish I’d fought harder when I was being held under water and I thought I was about to die. I wish I’d told my parents what a fucked up individual he really was. I wish I’d confronted Chris about my suspicions that he was cheating long before he pulled the rug from underneath me. It’s natural to want a different outcome after the fact. The best we can do is to make life the way we want it right now.”
“You’re fucking incredible, you know that?”
“I know.”
A laugh jerked out of his constricted chest. She leaned forward and offered her mouth, and greedy bastard that he was, he took it, groaning at the goodness and pleasure that just kissing her brought him. He cursed under his breath when she started to pull away before he’d had nearly enough.
“Tell me the rest.”
Tension whipped up a storm inside him. “The cycle continued. She would get clean for a while, then relapse. The month before grad school ended, I’d almost gotten the first Indigo Lounge blueprint finished. She was excited by the concept, even helped with some great ideas about the whole thing.”
He felt Bethany begin to tense beneath his touch and he silently cursed. He knew he would be climbing the walls by now if it was her telling him about an ex.
Sliding a hand under her thighs, he picked her up and repositioned her in his lap. He trapped her to him with a hand on her hip and felt her relax a little into him.
Breathing easier, he forced himself to continue. “A couple of weeks before the maiden Indigo Lounge flight her family started pressuring her to return home.”
“She didn’t want to return, of course,” Bethany stated.
He glanced at her. There was nothing but simple understanding in her eyes, as if she knew exactly what had motivated Farrah. “She was in love with you.”
Pain seared his chest and burned from the inside out as he recalled just how messed up things had been back then. “I guess you could call it that.”
Bethany’s gaze dropped and her breath shuddered out. His hand tightened on her hip, desperate to hang onto the connection he felt when he looked into her eyes. “Baby?”
“It’s okay,” she muttered. Her eyes lashes fluttered before she glanced back at him. “I’m okay. So you felt the same way about her, I guess?”
“I liked her. I enjoyed her company…when she was sober.”
Her beautiful mouth compressed. “Don’t trivialise your feelings for my sake, Zach.”
“I…fine, I was into her. She was smart and funny when she wasn’t using. When she was using…it was a different story.”
“But the sex was great. Right?” she whispered.
He held his tongue and forced himself to just breath.
She slowly stiffened and he felt her withdrawing from him. His fingers dug into her hip and he cursed.
“Fuck, Bethany. Don’t you dare compare yourself to her. Because she would lose. Every time. But I told you I would never lie to you. I like sex. You know that. And yes, we were compatible in the sack.” He released her hip and gripped her chin. When she raised her gaze, her eyes shimmered with pain. “But nothing comes close to what you do to me. No one has ever made me feel what you, and no one else will. Believe that or I will be forced to prove it to you.”
When her eyes raked his face and paused at his mouth, he forced himself not to abandon this insane confession and just rip their clothes off and make good on his threat.
“Tell me you believe me.”
“I believe you.”
Relief poured through him. Her body gradually relaxed against his, her soft curves settling into his harder ones. She still wore the sexy, floaty number she’d worn to dinner and he gave in to the need to lift her hem and slid his hand between her warm thighs.
Her breath hitched beautifully and her eyelids fluttered again. “Zach…”
“It’s okay. We’re not straying off subject. Not yet anyway. But I get to exercise my right to touch you.”
Her head settled on his shoulder and he breathed a little easier. “Okay.”
A part of him wished she would fight him so he could abandon talking and let his body take over. Cowardly, he knew, but reliving what had happened six years ago had never been easy for him. He trailed his hand down and back up, struggling to find the right words.
“A week before the launch, her brother called, told her he was coming to get her. She freaked out. At first, I
didn’t really see the big deal. She was only going home for a while, just to show her parents she was okay. I even offered to go with her.”
Bethany frowned. “What was the problem?”
“She flatly refused to go. I’d been keeping an eye on her and knew she wasn’t using. So I knew she wasn’t just being high and irrational. I called her brother and tried to get to the bottom of what was going on. Turned out her family had arranged for her to marry some guy she grew up with.” Residual rage filled his vision for a moment before he blinked it away. “Remember how I told you what an unstoppable dick I was back then?”
Wide blue eyes held his, sympathy softening the vivid depths. “She was with you. It couldn’t have been easy to hear she was promised to someone else.”
His grip tightened and his chest filled with awe at her complete understanding. “It wasn’t. My dickish behaviour really emerged then. I may have told her whole family to go fuck themselves. Even though a part of me knew she would be better off back in Marrakech where her access to drugs would be hugely minimised and she had a chance of getting clean once and for all, I still took the stubborn prick approach. She was mine and I wasn’t letting her go.”
She looked down and shut her eyes and he fought not to be swallowed by panic. “Bethany?”
“It’s okay. I just need a minute,” her voice was barely above a whisper.
His hand crept higher, brushed her between her legs and her eyes flew open.
“I can’t stand it when I can’t see your eyes, baby. When you look at me, even when you’re seriously pissed at me, I feel I can cope.” Unable to help himself, he pressed harder. His cock thickened when his fingers met her dampness. Her shudder echoed within him. When her hips twitched against his hand, he sighed.
“The IL trip was a five-stopper, starting from Vegas. The morning we were supposed to leave, Farrah’s brother, Karim, landed at JFK and called to say he was on his way to Vegas to bring her home.” He swallowed as icy shiver broke over him. “I’d never seen such naked fear. She went completely insane. I suspected she’d scored some drugs but I refused to believe she’d relapsed again. I tired to talk to her but she was completely irrational about the whole thing. I’m not sure whose idea it was but all of sudden the idea of getting married was on the table.”
Bethany’s mouth quivered and he knew he needed to finish this quickly. Hearing him describe his relationship with another woman couldn’t be easy for her. Hell, he was in hell reliving it.
“We were in the right place. I had enough people on speed dial to make things happen. Plus I was getting a chance to win against her asshole of a brother. We got married an hour before we went on the first IL flight.”
“And then what happened?”
Regret and sorrow bit deep into his gut, threatened to claw him inside out. He buried his face in her hair and shut his eyes. “Then Armageddon took a left turn into hell.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Bethany stared up into Zach’s face and watched the ragged anguish eating him alive. His eyes were still tightly shut but his hand was pressing deeper between her thighs, as if he was grounding himself.
Reaching up, she touched his cheek and he blindly turned his face into her hand. His eyes remained closed but a film of tears sparkled on his lashes. His jaw was rigid with the pain he was holding in and her heart tore wide open for him.
She was beginning to have an idea of what had gone on with Zach and Farrah but even the insane jealousy ripping through her couldn’t stem the sympathy she felt for what he’d gone through…was continuing to go through.
The shimmer of tears grew and his nostrils flared as he tried to control himself. “Oh God, Zach.”
A huge shudder raked his frame. “I can’t tell you anymore, baby. I’m sorry,” he rasped, his voice thick with pent-up emotion.
“I know.” Sitting up, she kissed his hard cheek, then nuzzled his shadowed jaw. I know.” She scrambled to think of something else to talk about. Anything to take his mind off the past and the turmoil churning in the air. But every other subject she could think of was trivial and inane.
She kissed the corner of his mouth and started to scramble off him. He held on tight.
“Let me up, Zach.”
“No.”
“If you don’t let me up, I can’t pack a bag to come home with you.”
Intense, shimmering eyes met hers. He slowly inhaled. “Are you serious?”
She nodded. “If you want me to.”
He snorted. “I should spank you for that statement.”
“You’re always looking for an excuse to spank me, and yet you never have.”
The shadows receded and that heat she was so familiar with slowly replaced them. “Is that a challenge, Peaches?”
She leaned closer and nipped his lower lip. “It’s an indirect suggestion that I wouldn’t mind experiencing the palm of your hand against my peaches.”
His big body jerked. Beneath her, his cock grew into a rigid imprint against her butt cheek. That she’d successfully diverted his mind was blatantly obvious.
The hand between her legs slowly slid up and down. “You’re getting wet, Bethany.”
She gave a jerky nod. “It’s a state of being that only needs you to be close.”
His eyes darkened. “Shit, I wish we had time for a Christ-you-undo-me fuck before you pack.”
Her insides sizzled with anticipation. “What’s the hurry?”
“My attorney is calling me back in an hour. I want to be in a position to fuck you straight after so we need to move quickly. I can take the call here but I think a visit to your toy room is in order.”
The sizzling escalated to a full-blown electrical current running through her.
He stood up with her in his arms. Taking her lips with his, he strolled to her bedroom and let her slide down his body.
Remembering what had happened the last time they were in here, Bethany glanced warily at him.
A hard smile lifted one corner of his mouth. “I’m still devising ways to pay you back for your birthday treat, Peaches. But nothing is going happen here right now. You’re safe so get packing.”
Shivering, she moved away and grabbed her weekender.
Zach lounged against the door and watched her with an unwavering focus that sent tingles up and down her spine.
When she had everything she needed for another workday and the weekend, he held out his hand for her bag. “Ready?”
She nodded. “I just need to grab my laptop and papers then I’m good to go.”
In the living room, he shrugged into his leather jacket and waited till she gathered her stuff.
The elevator ride down barely registered because Zach refused to take his eyes off her and she was drowning in him.
Vlad’s gaze flicked between them as they passed, the mild concern in his eyes telling her he’d probably seen the photo too.
“Do I need to be worried about him?” Zach arched his brow at her as he walked her outside and held the back door to his car open for her.
“He likes to keep a brotherly eye on me, is all.”
“As long as that’s all it is,” he replied.
The partition to the front was open and she smiled at Philip. He nodded and the car moved into traffic.
“You can’t growl at every man who looks at me, Zach.”
“You underestimate my motivation to keep you mine,” he snapped as he pressed the button to send up the partition.
She rolled her eyes. “And I thought we were getting on so well,” she sighed.
He laughed, his teeth flashing in the semi-darkness. “We are, Peaches. As long as you get where I’m coming from where you’re concerned, we’re completely okay.”
She shrugged. “I guess I need to practice my growl where you’re concerned too.”
“Your helpless purring when I’m deep inside you is all I need.”
Her deep blush brought another laugh and her heart lifted to see the anguish greatly diminished. He wou
ld never get over the circumstances leading to Farrah’s death, and she now understood the bleakness she saw in his eyes sometimes. But seeing him smile again made her heart lift with joy. Which was why she didn’t mind that he teased her with hot words and heated glances all the way to his place. She didn’t even mind when she stumbled on the way to his private elevator when he described in precise detail how he intended to fuck her.
He installed her bag in his bedroom and mixed her a drink after he came downstairs. After delivering another sizzling kiss, he reluctantly pulled away.
“You have free run of the place. If you need anything, use the buzzer on the wall and Philip will help you. I’ll come and find you when I’m done.”
She nodded and watched him walk way.
Tall, impossibly gorgeous and totally devastating to her senses, she continued to be stunned by how much more depth there was to Zach. And she admitted she was terrified by what lay ahead of them.
With a past plagued with drugs and a highly turbulent relationship, she couldn’t help but dream up scenarios that would be equally devastating of how Farrah had died.
She wondered through the condo, trying not to let her imagination run away with her. She let herself remember the guy who’d had tears in his eyes as he talked about ruining a young girl’s life. Whatever came after that, Zach had proved once and for all that he was human, and compassionate; that he felt guilt and regret.
That had to be enough, surely? She shivered and realized she’d wandered into the swimming pool room.
Water shimmered under strategically placed lights, casting moving shadows along the walls.
The water was deep. Much deeper than anything she’d ventured near for the past decade. She risked getting closer to the edge of the water, slowly. Then breathed out when her freak-o-meter didn’t start screeching out of control. She walked round the pool and back to where shallow steps led into deeper water.
Gathering the skirt of her dress in one hand, she slowly lowered herself onto the first step and sat on the edge of the pool.
