She didn’t know if she was making sense, but it was hard to think clearly when she was embarrassed, furious with herself for crying so hard tears ran down her cheeks. She’d never cried in front of a man.
“You could run your shop from here,” Matt suggested.
She turned on her side to face him. “I’d still have to act like your wife.”
“Is that so terrible?”
“Not altogether. Everybody in Bandera tells me how lucky I am to be married to you. I know you’re a wonderful man, but we don’t love each other. We want different things. It just wouldn’t work out; we’d both be miserable. I hate being dependent. I don’t want to owe anything to anybody.”
“That’s what I told Jake and Isabelle when I borrowed the money for this ranch, but I missed seeing something very important.”
“What?”
“You’ve got to receive love as well as give it. Otherwise it doesn’t work. I wouldn’t let Jake and Isabelle buy my ranch for me, but I did learn to let them give me furniture. I took back the things I didn’t like, but I kept the others. I think Isabelle figured that out.”
“That doesn’t apply to me. Nobody wants to give me love. Even the kids love you better than me.”
That sounded petty and jealous and she was ashamed the minute she said it, but it was true, and she felt better for having gotten it out.
They love us in ways that complement each other. And you’re wrong about people not wanting to love you. You just have to let them. You’ve got to stop closing yourself off.”
“You’ve got no room to talk. You’re so tightly wrapped up in a safe bundle nobody can get to you. I’m surprised Isabelle managed to get through.”
“It’s because I am closed off that I can see what I’ve missed. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. You’re a generous, warmhearted woman who deserves to be happy.”
“How, when you’re the only man I know who’s not disgusting, and I don’t love you? It would be even worse if I did find a good man. I’m already married.”
She didn’t know why she couldn’t control her tongue. It wasn’t his fault she was such a fool she could only love a hero who could vanquish all her foes. It was a foolish daydream, but it had sustained her through the difficult years of growing up. She still longed for her dream man who would swoop down and carry her away. If he ever appeared, she’d never give another thought to hats or independence.
In the midst of her tirade Matt started to pull his arm away. She stopped him. She wasn’t willing to give up the comfort of his touch.
“You will be happy one day, I’m sure of it,” he said. “Don’t worry about what will happen when you meet a man you can love. I’d never stand in your way.”
“I know that, and it makes me feel awful. It makes me feel like I’m using you.”
“We’re using each other. We both knew that from the start. It’s not a problem. You’ll fulfill your part of the bargain by staying here until the adoption is complete. I’ll fulfill mine by helping you set up your shop in San Antonio.”
“But the children will be so unhappy.”
“Maybe we’ll have a better idea what to do about that when the time comes,” he said after a pause. “In the meantime, be happy.”
How could she do that when she felt so miserable? She was a traitor to everybody—her kids, Orin, Matt, herself, even Toby. She couldn’t do what she needed to do without hurting all of them.
“Would you like to go on a picnic?” Matt asked.
“What?” The idea startled her.
“A picnic.”
“When?”
“Sunday, after church. The whole town will be there. We can go down to the river. We might even let the kids go for a swim.”
“They don’t know how.”
“I’ll teach them.”
“I don’t—”
“I’ll be very careful.”
He gave her a gentle squeeze. “I know you didn’t want to marry me, but I’m glad you did. The boys and I will be sorry to see you leave. Wear your new red dress to the picnic. Now go to sleep, and try not to worry. Everything will work out.”
Then he rolled up on his elbow and kissed her gently on the cheek. Before Ellen could recover from her shock, he’d pulled back to his side of the bed and turned away.
Ellen’s thoughts were in utter chaos. She wanted to go. She wanted to stay. She wished she could love him, but she didn’t. She wanted the kids to be happy, but she couldn’t give up her dream of her own shop.
Everything would be perfect if I loved Matt and he loved me, she thought to herself. Why couldn’t that happen? It would fix everything.
But nothing in her life had ever worked out the way she hoped.
Matt woke to find Ellen sleeping up against him, their arms thrown across each other. Having gotten over his fear of being touched, he found he liked sleeping next to her, their limbs entangled. Though the times he’d touched her were few and were nearly all when she was asleep, he didn’t want to give up even that. He’d wanted this kind of comfort all his life, and he would only be able to enjoy it for a few more months.
He was a fool to torture himself with what he couldn’t have. He’d done everything he could to protect her and the kids, to fulfill his promise, and she hadn’t learned to love him. Learning he had been abused wouldn’t make her feel any different. He’d be lucky if she didn’t pack up and leave immediately. You couldn’t expect any woman to want to live with a man like that.
He didn’t expect it, but that didn’t stop him from wanting it anyway.
Ever since he was ten, he knew life would be different for him. Even without being an orphan, without getting into trouble, he would be different from other boys, from other men. Jake and Isabelle had changed a lot of that when they adopted him, but they couldn’t change everything. They couldn’t erase what had happened.
What had changed him forever.
He’d accepted that he was different, that all his emotions must remain locked tight inside him. He wasn’t empty. Fury filled him. Sometimes it welled up so hard and fast that it nearly overwhelmed him. He was full of needs, physical and emotional—to be loved, to be accepted. Most of all he needed to be able to tell the truth, share his burdens without fear of losing the love and acceptance necessary for his happiness.
He knew that would never happen.
So he had decided to concentrate on helping boys like himself, making sure their lives weren’t blighted by the things other people had done to them. He could help only a few, but he intended for them to leave his ranch healthy, happy, whole human beings. Then he’d been forced to marry Ellen in order to keep Orin, and everything had changed.
He was falling in love with her.
It didn’t matter that it was stupid. It didn’t matter that nothing could come of it. It didn’t matter that he could never tell her. It didn’t even matter that she didn’t love him. It was happening anyway. He’d tried to stop himself, but it hadn’t done any good.
At least a dozen times he’d told himself it was practically impossible not to fall in love with a woman like Ellen. She was warm, loving, and caring. She would do anything necessary to keep her kids. He was impressed by the way she’d adapted to living on the ranch, how readily she’d taken up her part of the work, even insisted he hand over more of it to her. She was almost always cheerful. When she wasn’t, she was honest. Orin liked her, and even Toby wasn’t so antagonistic anymore. She made him feel happy, more relaxed, more accepted.
He’d been physically attracted to her from the first. But in the past, even with women he liked and found attractive, contact had resulted in revulsion, not arousal.
But that had changed with Ellen. Several times before he’d awakened to find Ellen touching him in her sleep, his body aroused and hard. He was aroused again tonight, so much so that it was painful. He didn’t mind the pain. It meant he was alive. It meant someday he might have a normal life, enjoy what every other man took for granted, what he
thought he’d been denied forever.
His arousal brushed against Ellen’s thigh. He pushed ever so slightly against her. It was dangerous, but the need within him was so urgent he couldn’t stop. He didn’t rub hard, not enough for her to notice. He was sure it wouldn’t wake her.
But instead of satisfying his need, it only stoked it. He wanted more. His arms lay across her chest just below her breasts. It was only natural that his thumb should gently massage her side, then her breast. It followed just as logically that other fingers would become involved, until his whole hand was pressed against her breast.
As he continued to caress her, his breathing became faster and nosier. He felt the blood pounding in his head, his heart beating at a faster tempo. He felt almost dizzy with elation. Ellen had helped him throw off one set of shackles he’d thought would hold him prisoner forever. There was no reason to think she couldn’t help him break the bonds of the other.
He tried to stop, but his hand acted of its own volition, gently massaging her breast. For a moment he feared he would choke on his own breath, it came in such great, irregular gulps. He was just as bad as a young boy with his first girl. He was a man, but Ellen was his first girl. His reaction was all the more intense for the years he’d waited. The extra oxygen he’d gulped in made him dizzy. He forced himself to relax, to breathe more slowly. This was the first time he’d had a woman in his arms, but he didn’t want to make a fool of himself.
It didn’t do his self-esteem any good to realize that Toby would probably have handled a similar situation with more skill. He kept telling himself he ought to pull back, that he was risking disaster, but he was intoxicated by his first taste of sexual arousal, the first hint at possible fulfillment.
A surge of energy shot through him when he felt Ellen’s nipple harden under his touch. Holding his breath, he used his finger to gently rub the nipple until it became pebble-hard. Excitement coursed through him until he felt nearly overcome by it. There was no stopping now.
Chapter Seventeen
Ellen dreamed Eddie Lowell had cornered her in the nursery. His parents and sisters were gone for the afternoon, and they were alone in the house. She tried to get away from him, but no matter where she turned, he blocked her escape. Now he had captured her and wouldn’t let her go. He had his hands all over her. She tried to cry out, but no sound came from her throat. She was suffocating. Her limbs felt leaden, too heavy to move.
She woke with a feeling of panic to find Matt’s arm across her chest. He pulled back immediately.
“We rolled up against each other,” he explained anxiously. “We’ve done it several times before.”
Her relief was almost painful in its intensity. The fear had been so great, her helplessness so total. Dreams always brought back the helplessness she’d felt all her life, the fear that one day … but this was Matt. She trusted him, found comfort in his touch, reassurance in his presence. She knew he would never hurt her.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Matt said.
“I know.” She used to move away from him immediately, but recently she’d stopped. She liked his warmth next to her. He made her feel safer. Once she had even lain awake listening to him breathe. Just the sound relaxed her.
But this time was different. He didn’t sound like himself. He sounded … well, upset, she guessed. But Matt never got upset. That was one of the frustrating things about him. He also seemed nervous, tense… she didn’t know, she was too sleepy to analyze it carefully. “You don’t have to move away,” she said. “I like having you close.” She shouldn’t admit this. He might get the wrong idea. “I guess it comes from feeling so alone most of my life. If it makes you uncomfortable—”
“I don’t mind.”
She’d expected him to be reluctant, but he sounded eager. She knew that couldn’t be right. He’d only recently gotten to where he didn’t seem uncomfortable when Tess hugged him. He certainly couldn’t like touching her, even in his sleep. He avoided her when he was awake.
“I don’t want to crowd.”
“Will and I used to share a bed when he was little. I missed it when he got big enough to have his own bed.”
She didn’t like being compared to his brother, but she was relieved he didn’t feel anything of a more intimate nature. Her body was warm. Actually it was hot. Her breasts tingled; her nipples felt hard. Her entire body hummed with sexual tension. She didn’t know how a dream about Eddie could do that. She felt as though she’d started to—
But that was foolish. She’d never made love to anyone. She didn’t know how it would affect her. She instinctively recognized what she was experiencing was right, though. She just couldn’t figure out why she should be feeling it. “I’m not sure I could go back to sleep like this.”
“Just try,” he said.
She didn’t know why Matt should be so different tonight. He’d held her when she cried, kissed her to make her feel better. Maybe that was what had broken down the barrier. Maybe it was also what allowed her to accept that she just might be able to sleep with his arm around her.
If she just didn’t feel so hot. Blood sang in her head. She felt wide awake. Sleep was about the furthest thing from her mind. “I’m feeling a bit unsettled,” she said.
“I’ll be very still. You won’t even know I’m here.”
She might not love Matt, but it was impossible not to be aware of his every move. He was in her bed, touching her.
And he was a man!
She felt herself growing hotter.
But she didn’t want to move away. As long as he was close enough to touch, she knew she’d be safe from people like Eddie Lowell. She didn’t know why she was so hot, so agitated, but she assumed it must have been the dream. She would feel better in a short while.
Matt sighed. Soon his steady breathing indicated he’d fallen asleep. Ellen was still awake. Still hot. Worse, she could feel herself gradually becoming attached to a man who wasn’t at all what she wanted. She’d have to do something about that, but not tonight. She was too comfortable. Well, almost.
She was still too hot.
“Back so soon?” Norma Ireland said when Ellen entered her shop. “I hope that doesn’t mean you disliked the dresses.”
“No. I need something for a picnic.”
“The church picnic down by the river?”
“Yes.”
Norma’s gaze became speculative. “Just how attractive do you want to be?”
Ellen burst out laughing. “It’s not fair that you understand your customers so well!”
Norma smiled in return. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t sell so many dresses.”
“I don’t want anything flashy or gaudy, but I want to be the best-dressed woman there.”
“Do you want a touch-me-not, or do you want something you can throw horseshoes in?”
“I guess it’ll have to be horseshoes. The kids are certain to drag me into some game sooner or later.”
“Good,” Norma said. “Mabel Jackson already has a corner on touch-me-not. She bought a dress made of ecru buff brilliantine trimmed with slate satin-bound scallops. She even had me order ready-made hooped petticoats from Houston.”
“Sounds like she’ll be afraid to get down from her buggy. I wouldn’t like that.”
“I’ve got two I think you’ll like, one made from striped ticking trimmed with black ribbon zigzag bands, another of blue plaid silk.”
“The silk sounds too nice for a picnic. You’d better show me the ticking.”
“I’m glad you’re coming,” Norma said from the other room as she looked for the dresses. “Wilbur’s doing his best to turn everybody against Matt.”
“What’s he saying?”
“Nothing we haven’t heard before,” Norma said, returning with two dresses. “But you should have been here when Isabelle Maxwell came to town. She hunted him down at the church and braced him in the middle of a prayer meeting.”
“I wish she hadn’t done that,” Ellen said. “Wilbur can b
e awfully cruel sometimes.”
“According to what I was told, Isabelle was a bit more than he could handle.” Norma held up the ticking and silk dresses for Ellen’s inspection. “When he started quoting the Bible, Isabelle matched him quote for quote, told him if he couldn’t remember the rest of the Bible, he at least ought to remember, the Ten Commandments. She told the ladies at the meeting that if they wanted to pray for something, they could pray for a minister who thought more about God and less about himself. To quote one of the women who was there, Isabelle left total destruction in her wake.”
“I don’t know why Wilbur is so against Matt,” Ellen said. “The way he acts, you’d think Matt was the devil himself.”
“Wilbur has told everybody he offered to marry you.”
“He doesn’t love me,” Ellen said angrily, “and he doesn’t want the children. He just wants credit for saving my soul.”
“I think he had something else in mind.” Norma looked her straight in the eye. “There’s nothing that says a preacher can’t enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.”
“Nonsense.” Ellen didn’t like having her business known, especially when it concerned Wilbur Sears. She was trying to figure out how to turn the conversation to another topic when Susan entered the shop.
“I hope you brought me some more hats,” she said. “Don’t worry about Norma. She already knows, but I didn’t tell anyone else.”
“I don’t suppose it matters that much any more. Everybody will know when I open my shop in San Antonio.”
“What will I do for hats?” Susan asked.
“I didn’t know Matt was considering selling his ranch,” Norma said. “What will he do?”
Ellen decided it was impossible to carry on a relaxed conversation when you were trying to keep a secret. “He doesn’t want to leave, so I’m considering running the store from the ranch,” she said.
“Would you still sell your hats to me?” Susan asked.
“I like both dresses,” Ellen said to Norma, deciding to leave before she said something else she shouldn’t. “I’ll buy the striped ticking for the picnic and the blue check silk for later. Now I’d better be going. I left Tess with Mrs. Ogden. The child will have talked the poor woman’s ear off by now.”
Matt (The Cowboys) Page 21
