For a moment anger drove fear from the boy’s expression, but not for long. Ellen didn’t know what had caused Hank to run away, but it was obvious he was very frightened of something.
“Does he have any boys?” Ellen asked, wondering if they’d been the source of Hank’s bruises.
“Wayne ain’t never been married. Pa said he was supposed to get married, but he changed his mind and came west. Mama used to say some men weren’t cut out to be married.”
They had said the same about Matt.
“Is that Wayne’s horse?” Matt asked.
“No, it’s mine,” Hank said. “Wayne said we ought to take Mama’s cow and chickens, too. He said there was no point in letting the wolves and coyotes get them.”
“Come inside,” Ellen said, herding the sleepy children toward the house. “Supper will be ready in a little while. Matt will help you take care of your horse. After supper we can talk about what to do with you.”
“I want to stay here,” Hank said, addressing himself to Matt. “Please. I’ll work just as hard as Toby.”
“Toby’s bigger than you,” Ellen said. “The sheriff will—”
“I won’t go to the sheriff,” Hank said, backing away from them. “I’ll run away. I’ll—”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Matt said. He got down from the buggy and walked toward Hank. The boy drew back. “I want to look at your bruises,” Matt said. Hank stood still while Matt checked his face, neck, arms, and hands. He even pulled up his shirt and examined his back.
Ellen had no idea what Matt was looking for. The kid’s clothes didn’t fit, but except for the bruises, he seemed to be in good health.
“Does Wayne ever hit you?” Matt asked.
“No.”
“How did you get those bruises on your back?”
“We only have one bed. Sometimes Wayne rolls over on me.”
“Matt will see that the sheriff talks to him. I don’t see how that could happen just from rolling into someone.” She had come close enough to see that the bruising was extensive.
Hank jumped back.
“Don’t be afraid, son,” Matt said. “I’m not going to let him hurt you again.”
“It’s not like he hurt him intentionally,” Ellen said. “Besides, if he’s the boy’s uncle—”
“This boy is not going back,” Matt said.
Ellen blinked at the vehemence of Matt’s reply. He sounded like he hated her, as though he wanted to strangle her on the spot. She knew he wasn’t mad at her, but she’d never seen him like this. She didn’t know what to do, what to say. She’d suspected he had a temper, but he’d always keep it under such tight control, she’d forgotten about it. It was obvious now that the rage burning inside him was barely contained. She had no idea what would happen if it broke loose.
“Come on, we need to put up the horses,” Matt said to Hank.
“Matt, you can’t—”
“We’ll talk about it later. Right now it’s more important to get him cleaned up, fed, and in bed. He looks about Toby’s size. He can borrow some of his clothes.”
She stood there, not knowing what to think, her two sleepy kids rubbing their eyes, and watched Matt and Hank stop halfway toward the corrals. It seemed Matt asked Hank a question. Hank looked up. Ellen was too far away to hear what either of them said. The boy seemed to stiffen, as though preparing himself for Matt’s response to his answer. Matt said something—encouraging him to respond, Ellen assumed—and the boy spoke. Neither moved. Hank dropped his head, as though he expected to be blamed or chastised, maybe told to go away. Matt put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Hank looked up, and Matt said something else. Then they turned and headed toward the corral.
“Let’s go inside,” Ellen said to the kids. “Toby and Orin will soon be home.”
As she began preparations for supper, Ellen couldn’t shake off the uneasiness that had settled over her. She’d never seen Matt so angry, not even when he knocked Wilbur down. Something was very wrong, something she didn’t understand.
“You’ll have to sleep on a bedroll,” Toby told Hank. “We don’t have extra beds.”
“I don’t care,” Hank replied.
Toby had presented a pile of his outgrown clothes to Hank after his bath. The fancy duds made him look younger, more vulnerable, much more handsome. Ellen’s heart ached for the mother who would never see her handsome son grow up. All of a sudden she wanted to add Hank to the family, to make sure he had a chance to be the happy person he must have been before his parents died. It wouldn’t be difficult to add one more. They only had to—
She stopped herself. They couldn’t keep Hank. He had an uncle. She didn’t know why he had run away, but if Hank didn’t want to go back to him, he should be sent to another member of his family. She and Matt couldn’t keep him. Wilbur Sears would probably accuse them of kidnapping, and that would be enough to convince the judge to stop the adoption.
When he entered the kitchen, Matt had whispered to her that she wasn’t to say anything about sending Hank away, that he was frightened and they had to make him feel safe. She had agreed but said they had to take him into town first thing in the morning.
Matt hadn’t replied.
“You can sleep in my bed,” Noah volunteered. “I don’t mind sleeping on a bedroll.”
“He’ll be more comfortable with the older boys,” Ellen said. There was no point in saying that Tess might be uncomfortable with a stranger. She had taken to Hank right off, given him her kitten to hold and introduced him to Mrs. Ogden.
“Why don’t you help him get his bed ready?” Matt said to Toby. “He looks tired, and we have to get up early tomorrow.”
“We get up early every morning,” Toby said. “Matt says he likes to see the sun as it rises on a new day.”
“I like to sleep,” Noah announced.
“You’ll have to get up, too,” Matt said, “so you’d better get ready for bed.”
Once the children had left the kitchen, Ellen tried again to talk about what they were going to do with Hank, but Matt said they’d talk when the kids were in bed and not likely to overhear.
“Hank seems like a nice boy,” she said to Matt when he entered the bedroom. “It’s a shame he doesn’t want to stay with his uncle.”
“He’s never going back,” Matt said. “If he doesn’t have any more family, we’ll keep him here until the judge decides what’s best for him.”
Matt was still angry. She hadn’t realized how angry until he started undressing. He forgot to blow out the lamp. She started to remind him but changed her mind when he pulled off his shirt and sat down on the edge of the bed. Her first sight of his body mesmerized her. Muscles rippled across his broad back as he bent over to remove his shoes and socks. The extreme whiteness of his back contrasted with the sunburned skin above his collar. She experienced a strong urge to reach out and touch him. She felt nearly hypnotized. She wondered if this was anything like the feeling Tulip had described so often.
Breathless. Dazed. A strange sensation in her belly.
She wrenched her gaze away from Matt’s shoulders. “We can’t keep Hank if his uncle wants him back.”
Matt stood and turned. “I didn’t say we had to keep him. I just said he’s not going back to his uncle.”
The sight of Matt’s naked chest rendered her speechless. She had seen many men—big ones, little ones, handsome ones, ugly ones—but she’d never seen a man naked, even from the waist up. She didn’t know how Matt compared. She only knew how he affected her. He left her breathless. His chest looked so broad, his arms so powerful, she wondered how she ever could have thought him weak.
She closed her eyes. “What are you going to do?”
“Keep him a few days until he calms down.”
“But—”
“Then I’ll decide what to do.”
“There’s no deciding about it. You’ve got to take him to the sheriff.”
“I can’t do that yet.”
Ellen was aghast. S
he had been liking Matt more and more, depending on him so much that she wanted to find a way to stay at the ranch. Now he was trying to keep a boy who didn’t belong to him, a boy who had an uncle who wanted him. “Why not?”
“Because the sheriff will hand him back to his uncle.”
“That’s not your problem.”
“Of course it is. Hank came to me for help. I can’t let him down.”
“What do you mean ‘he came to you for help’? He’s running away because his uncle wouldn’t bring him to town.”
“There’s more to it than that.”
“Maybe, but you have no legal right to keep him here. If his uncle comes looking for him and you refuse to hand him over, it will endanger the adoptions. Do you think the judge will let you have the children if he thinks you go around stealing boys from their families?”
“I didn’t steal him.”
“That’s what Wilbur Sears will say. He’ll have that uncle so convinced you coaxed that boy off his ranch, he’ll be eager to tell the judge you’re a kidnapper.”
“I’m only keeping him for a few days.”
“Why can’t the uncle take care of him? It shouldn’t take the sheriff more than a couple of months to find his family.”
“I can’t let Hank be sent back. His uncle has been abusing him.” Matt paused for a long moment. “I don’t mean beat him. I mean abused him sexually.”
Ellen didn’t know what Matt meant. “What are you talking about?”
“Some men prefer boys to women. Hank’s uncle is like that.”
She didn’t want to believe it could happen. It was too disgusting. She didn’t want to believe that any man—especially an uncle, a man a boy should have been able to trust—would have violated that trust in such a horrible manner.
“How do you know?”
“Because my uncle abused me.”
Her mind refused to accept what Matt said. It simply closed down. She’d never heard of anything more horrifying in her life. She looked up at Matt. He’d put the nightshirt on over his head and sat down to remove his pants. He seemed so big, so strong, so capable of protecting everyone else, it was nearly impossible to think of him being helpless.
Yet it explained so many things that had puzzled her—his dogged defense of the boys, his willingness to risk anything to keep them, his being withdrawn, his terrible fury when he realized what had happened to Hank, his holding back from being touched, keeping his distance from her even after she wanted closeness.
What could you say to a man who’d suffered so?
She couldn’t say she understood. She didn’t. Not that she’d been assaulted, too. Neither Eddie Lowell nor his father had actually violated her. Matt’s uncle had violated him in the most horrible way.
“I knew what had been happening—why Hank had run away—when I saw his back,” Matt said.
“When did it happen to you?” she asked.
“It started when I was ten.”
Started? “How long did it go on?”
He turned to face her. “Three years.”
Her five years with her cousin had seemed endless, but three years must have seemed like forever to a boy trapped with nowhere to go.
“Why did it stop?”
He hesitated. “My uncle died.”
She didn’t know what to say. Any words would be inadequate. She felt utterly selfish about having gone on and on about the Lowells when something far worse had happened to Matt. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to know what people like Wilbur Sears would say if they knew. It had to be horrible going through life hiding such a painful secret. “Did you ever tell anybody?”
“Jake and Isabelle know. Nobody else cared.”
He lay down on the bed. He didn’t move toward her, just lay there, rigid and unmoving. She reached over and touched him. She didn’t want him to think she would stay away from him because of what had happened. “I wish there were something I could do that would make a difference,” she said.
He covered her hand with his. “You can. Don’t turn away from me.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I’m unclean. I’m—”
“You’re not!” she protested, distressed he would even think that. She was having trouble accustoming herself to the horror of what had happened to him, but she didn’t blame him. It certainly wouldn’t cause her to turn away from him. She wanted to hold him in her arms until the years of accumulated hurt went away. She took his hand and held it between hers. “You’re the finest man I’ve ever known. The kids think you’re wonderful. I can’t know how those awful years affected you, but you’ve risen above it.”
Matt rolled over and kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks for saying that.”
“I’m not just saying it,” she said, upset that he sounded as if he thought she was just spouting compliments to make him feel better. “I mean every word.”
“I’m not wonderful enough for you to want to be married to.”
“You’re wonderful enough for anybody to be married to. You know as well as I do we can’t choose when and where we fall in love. If I could, I’d have been in love with you before now.”
“Then you couldn’t have had your shop in San Antonio.”
She hadn’t meant to get around to that topic in just this way, but it seemed as good a time as any. “Actually, I’ve been thinking about your suggestion that I operate my shop from the ranch.”
He sat up in the bed.
“I don’t mean to say I’ve fallen in love with you any more than you’ve fallen in love with me,” she hurried to say. “But I like you, and I like living here. The kids like it, too. I know they wouldn’t like living in San Antonio nearly so much, especially Noah, and I wouldn’t want to leave Orin.”
As she spoke, Matt had gradually sunk down until he lay on the mattress. “So you think we ought to stay married even though we don’t love each other.”
“I think we ought to consider it.”
“What happens if you fall in love?”
“I’m not sure I can love any man. But if you fall in love, I’ll give you a divorce.”
“I won’t fall in love, either. I’m not the kind of man women admire.”
“But you are.”
“My looks, not me.”
“That’s because they don’t know you. If you’d spend more time in town they’d—”
“The boys need all the time I can give them.”
“What you’re doing for the boys is wonderful, but you need to think of yourself.”
“I am. Taking care of them is what I want.”
“But don’t you want to fall in love, have a wife, children of your own?”
“Don’t you?”
“I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want to be under the power of any man.”
“If a man truly loved you, you wouldn’t be under his power.”
“I’ve never met a man like that. Except you. I want children, but I’m happy with the kids and Orin. And Toby’s starting to grow on me:”
“So you think you might like to stay here?”
“I want to consider it.” She didn’t like the way he sounded. She pulled his hand against her breasts and kissed his knuckles. “You spoil me. I’m selfish enough to like that very much.”
“You’re easy to spoil.”
“You’re the first man to say that.”
“I’d like to say much more.”
She didn’t want him to thank her for anything. That would make her uncomfortable. She wanted to get back to Hank. They couldn’t send him back, not if he was being abused. They couldn’t keep him, either. “What are we going to do about Hank?”
“Nothing tonight.”
“I really think we ought to take him to the sheriff.”
“The sheriff can’t help him.”
“Hank can tell him what happened.”
“The uncle will deny it. The law won’t believe a child against an adult.”
“We can’t
keep him. Wilbur will demand we give him up, and the law will be on his side.”
“We don’t have to figure this out now.” He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “Get some sleep. We’ll worry about it tomorrow.”
Matt didn’t know how much time had passed. He only knew that he didn’t feel like sleeping. He ought to be thinking about how to protect Hank, how to help him learn to like himself again. If he reacted anything like Matt had, Hank felt dirty, ashamed of himself, certain nobody would ever want anything to do with him. Matt was determined to keep Hank from suffering as he had—as he still did.
Instead he found himself coming back time and time again to what Ellen had said. She was considering setting up her shop on the ranch. She liked him a lot. He knew he shouldn’t read too much into that. She had been most definite in saying she didn’t love him, that she didn’t want to love any man. Yet she was considering staying on the ranch. Could that mean she felt more for him than she knew?
Probably, but that didn’t mean she was in love with him. If she was, she certainly wouldn’t stay in love with him once she knew about his uncle. It would be better for both of them if she went to San Antonio as soon as possible. It would save her a lot of heartache. It was too late for him.
He was already in love with her.
It was really stupid. He’d known from the first that she wasn’t in love with him, didn’t want to love him, that he wasn’t the kind of man women fell in love with. He had been the one to offer the marriage, to suggest a business arrangement, to agree to help her set up her shop in San Antonio once the adoptions were final. Everything was working out just as they planned. Or it would have, if he hadn’t started making changes. First, thinking about ways to keep the children on the ranch after she left, then suggesting she set up her shop on the ranch. That wasn’t practical. They wouldn’t want women driving out to the ranch any day of the week, at all hours, to spend time trying to decide whether they wanted a new hat. If they wanted this one or that one.
But none of that was as foolish as his falling in love with her. That practically made it essential she leave the ranch as soon as possible.
He’d always thought half a loaf was worse than no loaf at all. Now he wasn’t sure. He’d gotten used to Ellen. She’d fit into his life right from the start. No task was too difficult. She didn’t wait to be asked, and she didn’t complain. But most of all Matt saw in her the same concern for the kids he felt. She knew what was ahead for them if they remained without a family to care for them. She’d been willing to make a sacrifice to ensure their lives wouldn’t be like hers. Matt could have loved her for that alone.
Matt (The Cowboys) Page 23
