Sitting up straighter, he regarded his mother before his gaze landed on his father’s face. “I’m the one who needs to apologize. It’s all my fault.”
He threw his hands in the air before looking down at the cream-colored carpet. When he lifted his head, he struggled to maintain his composure. “I’m the reason Matt’s gone. How can I ever forgive myself?”
For long moments, Jarred stared at his parents, who gazed back at him. While the heavy silence ensued, Jarred noted the obvious differences in how they had changed. His dad’s jet black hair had grayed. His mother had aged at least three decades.
The biggest difference in both of them was their sad expressions. He’d never forget his mother’s smile and laugh. His dad had been commonly known as the joke teller, but noting the lines of devastation etched around his mouth, Jarred guessed that laughter had been rare since Matt had died.
At that moment, Jarred immediately knew without a doubt that they had suffered as much as he had.
His mother’s voice hinted at huge remorse as she laid a fragile-looking hand on Jarred’s arm. “Honey, we were to blame. Not you.” A slow shake of her head followed while she gazed regretfully at Jarred.
Jarred suddenly remembered their apology. “I thought you hated me. The first night away from you, I turned to God. I was so scared. I missed you terribly. I had nightmares for years about Matt and the driver who’d hit him.”
His dad’s fingers shook as he leaned forward. “Son, we sent you away because we couldn’t face what we’d done. You were such a haunting reminder of the fatal mistake that was ours. The accident could have been avoided.”
Jarred watched in agony as his parents turned toward each other and clasped their hands together in what appeared to be a means to gain strength. Their faces went void of color. His dad choked before straightening his shoulders in what looked like forced bravery.
“We should have put up a fence. We’d talked about it. It was no secret that you and Matt played ball in the yard. And you were both so young. We were terribly naïve as parents.”
He paused to blow his nose. A tear slid down his cheek as he went on. “We’re certainly not trying to make excuses for our negligence, but one day you’ll know, son, that there’s no perfect science to being a parent. Grief overcame us, and we did what we believed was right. At the time, we weren’t thinking straight. What we did was wrong, Jarred. So wrong. I hope God can forgive us. We’d known for years that the road in front of our house was busy. We let you down, I believe, more than we did Matt.”
Jarred tried to make sense of that last statement and finally offered a helpless shrug. “I don’t understand.”
“Matt’s accident was just that. On the other hand, what we did to you was deliberate.”
“Matt’s death …” His mother choked. For long moments, the grief-stricken couple held each other with their eyes closed. When his mom finally released him, his father spoke.
“Afterward … we felt we didn’t deserve to be parents. We love you, Jarred, but we’re not worthy of your love. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us.”
Jarred couldn’t move. His parents obviously awaited a reply. While Jarred processed their words, his heart filled with an emotion that was a mixture of disbelief and relief.
Before today, he hadn’t been sure what to expect. He’d believed the worst for so many years, it was hard to react. Jarred knew his brother was with the Lord. Jarred couldn’t bring him back. Neither could the distraught couple in front of him. No matter how many prayers Jarred sent to God, Matt would never return.
But after all of Jarred’s lonely, sad years, his mom and dad loved him. Hearing that was so unexpected. When reality sank in, Jarred’s pulse pumped to a joyous beat edged with relief. He bowed his head and fought emotional tears. When he looked up, the words came. “I love both of you. I forgive you.”
Immediately, his parents joined him on the couch and embraced him. He relished their love. When his tears finally stopped, he caught his breath and tried to regain his composure.
“I miss him so much.” He lifted his chin with forced confidence. “But now I’ve got you and dad back.” A grin tugged at the corners of his lips. “And to be honest, that’s a blessing I never expected.”
His mom’s expression turned to relief. His dad’s voice hinted of newfound confidence while he gave Jarred a hard, affectionate pat on his shoulder. “There was never any reason for you to feel guilt. We accept full blame for your brother’s death. We can’t take back the lost years, but we’ll have the future. And we intend to make wonderful new memories with our son.”
Jarred parted his lips with hope.
“We’ll do whatever we can for you, Jarred. We’ll be the parents you deserve.” After a slight hesitation, he added, “If you’ll let us.”
Jarred contemplated the offer and stood. “Of course.” He paused. “There is something I’d like to do.”
“What?”
“See Matt’s room.”
With one hand, his dad motioned to the circular stairwell. As slow steps took Jarred and his parents upstairs, time seemed to stand still while Jarred drifted back to the happy days when he and Matt had chased each other up and down.
At Matt’s door, they stopped. Jarred squeezed his eyes closed and braced himself. His heart hammered like a runner’s at the finish line. Dear God, You are my Shepherd. Please comfort me and give me strength. Amen.
His mom gave a gentle turn of the brass knob, and they went inside. Automatically, Jarred flipped on the light. His gaze traveled to walls filled with horse pictures, Little League trophies, Matt’s second grade picture. Finally, Jarred’s attention landed with great affection on the twin bunk beds.
As he went to the upper mattress to rest a hand on the blue comforter, his heart pounded with an odd combination of relief and anxiety.
“We didn’t touch anything,” his mother whispered. Jarred half heard the words while memories of Matt flooded his heart and soul until he could almost feel Matt’s existence.
As Jarred squeezed the soft covering, it seemed like Matt joined him in spirit. Jarred knew from a church sermon that souls that had passed on couldn’t come back; still, his brother’s presence seemed to sweep through Jarred until he closed his eyes to savor the special, much-needed sensation. Long moments passed before he opened his lids and regarded Matt’s personal things.
He moved close to the horse drawings and nodded. “Someday, I’ll start an animal shelter in his name.”
“Jarred, that’s a wonderful idea.” His mother glanced appreciatively at her spouse. “Let us help.”
Jarred barely heard his own words or those of his parents as he envisioned himself with Matt on the soft tan carpet in the middle of the room. On this very spot, they’d read animal books together. They’d both been most interested in stories about lost animals. Early on, the two had yearned to rescue and protect the abandoned.
His mother’s voice broke his reverie. “We have something for you, Jarred.”
Not wanting to break away from precious memories, he turned.
“Matt made you something special for your birthday.”
A hard knot formed in Jarred’s throat.
His mom nodded. “He wanted to give it to you after the party.”
Jarred stood very still while his mom opened the drawer on the nightstand. She looked up, teary eyed. “He wrapped it himself.”
She retrieved a box and handed it with great care to Jarred. The drawer remained open.
As his parents looked on, Jarred stared in amazement at the present wrapped with plain white tissue. There wasn’t a card. With a combination of great care and anticipation, Jarred untaped the sides and pulled out the cardboard box. Before removing the lid, he glanced at his mom and dad. Their expressions were difficult to read.
When he pulled off the cover, his heart skipped a beat. He claimed the empty chair next to the nightstand and studied the picture of a beautiful white horse with tan markings.
“An Arabian. His favorite. And he drew it just for me.”
Jarred’s gaze drifted to the bottom right-hand corner of the picture. The printed words stirred every emotion inside Jarred until he felt his heart break: TO MY LITTLE BROTHER. LOVE, MATT.
*
With a combination of happiness and regret, Jarred waved good-bye to his parents before proceeding to I-90. As they disappeared in his rearview mirror, he lowered his window and tried for a more comfortable position on his bucket seat.
He eyed the box on the passenger’s seat holding Matt’s drawing. Jarred rested his fingers on the cardboard with love and took in the significance of the gift.
This is the most precious thing I own.
He contemplated Matt’s special talent, which was displayed in each stroke of colored pencil. Matt had given him the best gift he could think of: a picture of an Arabian horse.
Jarred’s grip tightened on the steering wheel as he realized that his fierce determination to start a shelter in his brother’s name was now a must.
He would fulfill Matt’s dream.
Jarred stepped on the brake pedal to slow for I-71 South, smiling a little at how this much-anticipated day had changed his life. His conversation with his father and mother, and their complete honesty, filled his chest with a great sense of relief and happiness.
He loved them so much. Despite what he’d gone through, he understood their actions and forgave them. At the same time, it relieved him to know that they had never blamed him for Matt’s death.
“Dear God, thank you. Amen.”
Prior to this visit, Jarred had feared that being inside the home would be eerie and uncomfortable. To his astonishment, the opposite had occurred. What he’d experienced was an unexpected closeness to his brother. The sensation had calmed Jarred to the point where he hadn’t wanted to leave.
He tapped his hand to a few country music beats and wondered what his folks would say about his plan to become Amish. Before coming, he’d been fully aware that twenty years couldn’t be covered in one visit. Today’s focus had been on Matt, on the long-awaited opportunity to take in everything that Matt had loved. To be in the room where they’d played and read stories.
Suddenly, he yearned to talk to Rachel. He grabbed his cell phone and dropped it back onto the seat, grinning in amusement. Of course she didn’t own such a modern convenience. There was a phone in their barn, but he was fully aware that Mr. Kauffman checked messages only twice daily.
He yearned to talk to her like never before. He rested the back of his head against the seat. Today was a turning point in his life because he knew his parents loved and cared about him, and also because his belief that they blamed him for Matt’s death was in error.
He couldn’t wait to watch the expression on Rachel’s face when he related the details of his visit. He would share everything with her. How the house looked. What it was like being back in the very bedroom where he and Matt had slept on bunk beds. What his parents had said. Their remorse. And how Jarred’s heart had melted the moment he’d opened the special gift that Matt had wrapped for him so many years ago.
He glimpsed his cell phone and smiled a little as he acknowledged certain conveniences that he’d voluntarily surrender once he joined the Amish church.
He glanced down at his means of transportation and rolled his eyes. His cell phone would be history. Electricity, too. He’d certainly miss the Discovery Channel on his small living room television.
He’d be able to keep his truck. The Amish in their particular area needing transportation were allowed to have cars titled in their names—a must for fear of their vehicles being stolen—however, he would be required to have a driver. Not driving would take getting used to. In fact, relinquishing his place behind the wheel might be his biggest challenge in joining the Plain Faith.
He looked around the small cabin of his truck and thought of Cinnamon and the buggy he would have for non-working occasions. A chuckle escaped him. He enjoyed traveling that way. However, that particular mode was a far stretch from his Ford, with its automatic transmission. I won’t be listening to country music. He silently chastised himself. He moved into the other lane. He braked to slow for construction.
As he leaned forward in his seat, he returned to his mental challenge. I won’t watch television at night. On the upside, I’ll invest that time studying to become a better veterinarian.
To his satisfaction, he never questioned his choice to join the church. He would compromise, that was for sure, but in the end, he had no doubt that he would be a more satisfied, complete man. And he would focus only on serving his Lord and Savior.
His sacrifices would lead to a more fulfilling life. He imagined that to most, relinquishing material things might be unimaginable. But to him, becoming a member of the hardworking Amish would be worth every sacrifice. His decision wasn’t just because of Rachel. Over the years, he’d considered joining the group he so admired.
Rachel’s kind face swept into his mind like an unexpected ray of warm sunshine. He smiled a little. It would be best to discuss his visit with her face-to-face. He tried to put things into perspective, focusing on Rachel’s dream: To marry a good Amish man. To raise a large family. And the last part, whatever it was.
He hadn’t known the girl with the heart-stopping smile long, but he was sure that he wanted to make her dream come true. He sighed with relief. Settled. That will never change.
What had taken an unexpected turn was his relationship with his folks. Jarred flipped on his headlights and kept in the right lane on I-71. As he turned the volume higher to hear Randy Travis, he drummed his fingers against the wheel in time with the music.
Jarred reached inside the compartment between the seats for a hard candy. Popping the treat into his mouth, he squeezed the wrapping and tossed it on the floor of the passenger side.
As he enjoyed the red candy, he tried to relax, but his heart still pumped excitedly. My mom and dad don’t blame me for Matt’s death. My parents love me. And I love Rachel. But what is the last part of her dream?
Chapter Thirteen
The following Saturday, Rachel smiled at Jarred as Cinnamon pulled them in her family’s buggy. Jarred’s visit with his parents had changed him. Reconnecting with his folks had lifted his joy to a whole new level. She noted the new sparkle in his eyes. The confident lift of his chin.
The beloved horse traveled along the narrow blacktop road at a slow, comfortable speed. There wasn’t much traffic in the country. As Cinnamon trotted with his head held high, his tail moved gracefully back and forth. So did the hair on his mane.
Rachel said a silent prayer of thanks for his good health and for Jarred’s rescue, too. She pressed her palms against the soft velvety seat covering, taking in the tall corn and beans on both sides.
The clomp clomping of Cinnamon’s hooves and an occasional whinny were the only sounds. Large white puffy marshmallow-like clouds decorated the sky.
When the full sun appeared, she blinked to adjust to the unexpected brightness. The warm breeze coming in through the open carriage caressed her neck and face. She breathed in, trying to savor the comforting moment.
Right now, she was completely satisfied. At ease. After long weeks of concern about Cinnamon followed by not knowing when she’d see Jarred again, this togetherness was a welcome relief. She certainly didn’t take this blessing for granted.
As she considered the kind, gentle man beside her, she decided to voice her thoughts. “God has answered our prayers. He reconnected you with your parents. What more could we want?”
Before he could respond, she went on. “Jarred, I’m really happy to see you again.” After the confession came out, she smiled a little, fully aware that her flat-sounding words hid the excitement she felt.
At the same time, she recognized that her parents most likely wouldn’t approve of her boldness. Although she practiced openness and honesty, Old Sam had once told her that there was a difference between honesty and
boldness. Somehow, she was certain she’d just crossed that line.
Assertiveness was a little out of character for her, but to her astonishment, she had no regrets. She’d thought about Jarred and written about him in her journal from the moment she’d met him. “I’ve missed you.”
His response hinted at satisfaction. “I’ve missed you, too.”
She nodded. “And I’m dying to hear about your visit with your parents. Don’t you dare leave out a single detail.”
She listened attentively as he began with his arrival at their home and told her about his time inside the house.
Sometime later, he darted her a wink. “This happened because of you, Rachel. Because of the letter.” With a grin, he added, “And of course, huge thanks to your friend, Old Sam.”
The corners of her lips pulled upward and she let out a grateful sigh. “I’m so happy for you, Jarred. After I gave you that piece of advice, I had second thoughts. In fact, I actually regretted telling you what to do.”
His voice softened. “Why?”
She gestured with her hands before resting her palms on her thighs. “Because I don’t have much experience to draw from to be offering such important stuff. Your situation with your parents was serious. Fortunately, your message led to a happy ending. But what if it hadn’t?”
He shrugged. “No worries. Rachel, that’s something you had no control over. Neither did I. Before I did it, I thought a lot about the repercussions. About their reaction, if they responded, and if so, the worst that could happen.”
After a long, thoughtful silence, he offered her a thankful glance. “God answered our prayers. I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like being back in the home where Matt and I played, Rachel.”
She watched a joyous expression sweep across his face and parted her lips in awe.
“It was like he was there. I felt so close to him.”
“That’s understandable. After all, it’s where you two spent the first years of your lives. Where you bonded.”
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