by L. Wilder
Forcing myself to take a step back, I looked down at Lenny hunched over in his chair, seeing his swollen and bleeding face, and I had to fight the urge to pull out my gun and just end him right then and there. I took in a deep breath, and walked over to Ryder, closing the door behind me. “Yeah?”
“It’s nearly two in the morning.”
“What are you talking about? We just got here.”
“You’ve been back here wailing on him for over two hours, man. There’s not going to be anything left of him if you keep going at this rate. You need to go home and catch your breath.”
“The fuck I do.”
“You do, brother. You haven’t slept in days.” He took a step towards me with concern in his eyes. “You’ve been waiting ten long years for this, and now, you’re closer than you’ve ever been.”
“I’m not leaving here until I know where his brother is.”
“Christ, man. You’re never gonna get it out of him if you kill him the first night. You’ve gotta take a step back. You have my word, we’ll get it out of him, but for now, you can’t keep going like this. You’re going to end up doing something you regret and fucking everything up.”
“Fuck you, Ryder. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Just hear me out, boss. Go home. Even if it’s just for a couple of hours. Get some sleep, and I’ll stay here. I’ll keep an eye on things until you get back.”
“I won’t be able to sleep, Ryder. Not knowing he’s here.”
“You need to try. Besides, it will give you a chance to talk to Max. We’re going to need his help if we want to find Joey… and check on your girl. I know she’ll want to see your sorry ass, but take a shower first. You don’t want to freak her out with all that blood on your hands and clothes.”
I looked down at my hands and shirt, and he was right. I was covered in that motherfucker’s blood. With a defeated sigh, I said, “Fine, but I’ll be back in a few hours. I’m trusting you to make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”
“Look at him, boss. That piece of shit isn’t going anywhere, but I won’t take my eyes off him. He’ll be right here waiting when you get back.”
Knowing he was right, I nodded and headed out to the SUV. The drive home was a long one. It was hard to leave there without finishing what I’d started and getting the answers I wanted, but deep down, I knew Ryder was right. At the rate I was going, I was going to fuck things up and kill the motherfucker before we’d found Joey. Whether I liked it or not, I had to be patient. By the time I pulled into the condo’s parking garage, it was almost three in the morning. I knew Tristen would be asleep, so I did my best not to wake her as I went inside. When I got to my room, I was surprised to see that she wasn’t sleeping in my bed, but I decided it was for the best as I went into the bathroom to take a shower. With the hot water streaming down my back, I thought how good it would feel to have her arms wrapped around me, letting her touch bring me back to humanity, but I was torn. I didn’t want her to know the beast inside of me had been released, that he’d taken over my every thought, and he wouldn’t let go until the deed was done. I figured it was best I didn’t even see her, fearing I might lose her if she saw me in that state, but I was a selfish asshole. I needed her, even if it was just for a brief moment, so without even dressing, I went into her room and got in the bed next to her. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to explain my reasons for being gone or not calling her. I just wanted to feel her body next to mine and calm the monster inside long enough for me to sleep.
I thought I was only dreaming, that I hadn’t really felt the mattress dip as Nathan slipped into bed next to me. I thought the warmth of his body and the rough bristles of his day-old beard against my neck were just figments of my imagination. It wasn’t until I felt his hand trail up my thigh that I realized it was really him. My breath caught as his fingers curled around the band of my lacy panties and slid them down over my hips. “Nathan?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, his hands reached for my t-shirt and gently pulled it over my head. I wanted to protest and plead with him to talk to me, but it felt so good to have him so close. I’d missed him. I’d missed his touch and his mouth against my skin, and I just couldn’t tell him to stop. He eased himself down the bed and placed his head at my center as his tongue brushed roughly against me, causing my back to arch against the mattress. Needing to hear his voice, I tried once again. “Nathan, are you okay?”
Giving no response whatsoever, he continued to torment me with his mouth. There was something different about the way he touched me, though. It wasn’t his usual sensual caress. Like a man possessed, his touch was rough and demanding, but it felt so damn good. Every nerve in my body tingled as his warm, wet mouth pressed against me, and just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I realized he was just getting started. His fingers delved inside me, twisting and turning as he dragged them across my g-spot. Jolts of pleasure surged through me as he brought me to the edge, making it impossible to resist him. My hands dropped to his head, my fingers tangling in his damp hair as I urged him on, and I prayed that he wouldn’t stop. That familiar tingling sensation began to churn in my abdomen, and my body clamped down around his fingers. While I was still dazed by the high of my orgasm, his hands dropped to my hips, and he flipped me over onto my hands and knees.
I turned back to look at him and saw that hungry look in his eyes as he positioned himself at my center. I wanted to say something, to tell him that I’d missed him or that I was glad he was home, but I didn’t get that chance. He reached for my hair, pulling firmly and forcing me to look forward as he thrust deep inside me. It was then that I knew it wasn’t about making love. That moment had nothing to do with me and him. It was about him—only him. He needed the release, to let go of whatever was weighing on him, and I was simply a means to an end. My feelings were hurt, but my body didn’t seem to be fazed by the insult. He felt too damn good, and I was helpless under the spell of his touch. The sounds of our bodies colliding echoed through the room as he drove into me, again and again, each move more demanding than the last. His body tensed as his fingers dug into my hips, and I knew he was getting close. He pulled my hair harder as a growl vibrated through his chest, and his rhythm grew more demanding. While the man behind me wasn’t the man I’d grown to love, I knew he was in there, hiding in the darkness. I wanted to find a way to reach him and let him know that I was there for him, but he was too far gone. Nathan’s hand left my hair and dropped to my waist as he drove into me one last time, submitting to his release. He remained there for several seconds before he ran his hand down my back and lowered himself onto the bed.
Trying to hide the tears that were threatening to fall, I rushed to the bathroom and closed the door. I leaned my back against the wall as I tried to calm my breathing. A flood of emotions consumed me, each one tugging at me and making me feel even more frustrated. I let the anger rise inside of me, knowing it was the only thing that could protect me from the pain. Over the past few days, he’d pushed me to the side like I meant nothing to him, and it hurt more than I cared to admit. I’d missed him. I needed him to show me that he’d missed me, too, but he wouldn’t even talk to me, much less look at me. I’d thought we were getting somewhere, that he was finally letting me in, but suddenly he had me wondering if I’d been wrong about everything. Feeling angry and disappointed, I started to clean myself up, and that’s when I realized it was the first time we’d had sex without a condom. My night just kept getting worse, and I wondered if he even cared.
By the time I walked back into the bedroom, Nathan was sound asleep. Once again, he gave no sign that he was concerned about me in the least. I let the anger come as I crawled back into the bed next to him. I needed it to cover my own weakness as I looked at him lying there. Even though I was upset with him, I longed for him. He didn’t make it easy, but I loved him. I loved him more than I even realized, and I hated that he was putting his walls back up and shutting me out. I worried that the walls might be too thick or too high, and I w
ouldn’t be able to get past them. The mere thought of losing him ripped at my heart. I ran my fingers through his tousled hair and trailed them along the curve of his jaw and down his arm. When I reached his hands, I finally noticed the deep cuts and scrapes across his knuckles. I sat up in the bed to get a closer look and winced as I saw that they were swollen and bleeding. Worried that they might become infected, I went to the bathroom for the first aid kit. Once I’d found it, I sat down on the floor next to him and started to clean and wrap his wounds. I desperately wanted to know what had happened, but unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance to ask.
By the time I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I would’ve thought I’d dreamed the entire thing if I hadn’t spotted his bloody bandages on the nightstand. Seeing them there gave a whole new meaning to the saying, ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em.’ It was impossible not to be hurt, but more than that, I was angry. I wanted answers, and I knew there was only one way I was going to get them. So, I took a quick shower, got dressed, and went to find Max. As I walked into the kitchen, my mood hung over me like a big, dark cloud, and with each step it continued to grow darker and larger until it was all consuming. I was hoping that a cup of coffee and a chat with Max might help the clouds pass, but that didn’t happen. Instead, my mood only got worse as I discovered that Max had been replaced by a young, burly guy with tattoos and the same tired expression Nathan had had the night before.
“Who are you?”
“Ryder.”
“That’s all you got?”
“What else do you want?” he snapped back, clearly grumpy as hell. He ran his hands over his face as he shook his head and yawned. “I’m sorry about that. I’m just wiped the hell out. I’m one of Nitro’s guys. I’m here to run you to work. You ready to go?”
“Hold on a minute. Where’s Max?”
“He’s working.”
“He’s usually here.”
“Well, I’m here. He’s with Nathan today.”
I was becoming frustrated and angrier by the minute. “I take it you aren’t going to tell me what the hell is going on? Or why Nathan’s been gone? Or why his hands were beat all to hell, and he looked like a damn mess last night?”
“You’re right. I’m not.”
I didn’t like him, not even a little, and his flippant attitude made me want to punch him in the throat. “Will you at least tell me if he’s okay?”
“He’s fine. Now, are you ready for work or what?”
“I’m ready,” I snapped. “I just need to get my purse.”
I stormed off to my room and returned to find Ryder waiting with the front door open. “Ready when you are.”
I charged past him and on to the elevator, choosing not to speak or acknowledge him in any way. I remained tight lipped until he pulled up at the restaurant. “So, are you coming to get me, or should I find my own way back home after work?”
“Someone will be coming for you. If I’m lucky, it won’t be me.”
“That goes for both of us.” It was at that point, I decided that he was the biggest asshole I’d ever met. I got out of the car and slammed the door. When I got inside, I went straight to the staff room to change. I started to undress, completely oblivious to the fact that Ava was sitting in the corner fixing her makeup.
“Damn, girl. What’s with you today?”
Startled, I jumped and yelped, “Shit, you scared the hell out of me.”
“I’ve been standing here the whole time. It was like you were in your own world when you walked in here.”
“Sorry. It was a bad morning.”
“I can see that. You want to talk about it?”
“Men are assholes. All of them.”
“Amen, sister. Are you just figuring that out?” she laughed.
“I guess I’ve always known it. I’ve just been waiting for one of them to prove me wrong.”
“No such luck?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, don’t give up. I have a feeling if one’s to be found, you’ll find him.”
“Ha!” I scoffed as I finished buttoning my shirt. “I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
“So, what happened? Was it regular stupid guy stuff, or was it something more?”
“I’d have to say this is more than the regular stupid guy stuff, but I’ll get over it. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.”
“Okay. If you say so.” She stood up and placed her makeup bag away. “But I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
“Thanks, girl.” As we started toward the front, I remembered seeing her leave with some guy I’d never seen before. “Hey, I forgot to ask. Who was that hot guy I saw you leaving with the other night?”
“That was Lucas.” Her voice fell flat as she said his name. “We’ve been off and on for months. I think it’s time to face the fact that it just isn’t going to work out.”
“Any particular reason why?”
“He has an issue with keeping his dick in his pants.” She frowned as she shrugged her shoulders. “There was a time when I thought I’d found the one. I guess that’s why it’s so hard to let him go.”
Just before I turned to go to the bar, I looked back at her. “If he doesn’t get how great you are, then you’re better off without him.”
As she started walking away, she smiled and replied, “Maybe you should take some of your own advice.”
“Girl, you’re probably right.”
As I slipped behind the counter, I hoped that my day might get a little better. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. My mind was on Nathan, which meant I was distracted, which meant I kept screwing up my orders. I couldn’t help myself. Like slow waves, thoughts of him crept over me, bringing another round of heartache. Tony tried to be patient, but I could tell he was getting frustrated with me. I tried to pull it together, and thankfully, after a half-hour or so, I started to get back on track. I was just getting into the swing of things when the lunch rush ended and things started to slow down. I was about to do a round of refills when I spotted Josie sitting at the end of the counter.
“Hey!” I smiled as I walked over to her. “I didn’t know you were coming by.”
“I tried to call, but I guess you were busy.”
“Sorry, it’s been a little crazy here today.”
“Do you get a break anytime soon?”
“I can take one in a few minutes. Can you wait a sec while I cash out?”
“Sure.” She smiled. “I have an hour before I have to leave for class.”
As soon as I finished up with my last two customers, I went over to Tony and told him I was going to take my break a little early. After he gave me the okay, I grabbed two bottles of water and led Josie out onto the restaurant’s back patio. Once we sat down, I asked her, “Is everything okay?”
“I was just about to ask you the same thing. I’ve been worried since our talk the other night.”
“I’m sorry I worried you, but I’m fine. Nathan’s home, and everything’s better already,” I lied.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded as I took a drink of my water. “Yes, Josie. I’m sure. Now, stop worrying.”
“Okay. Okay. I’ll leave it, but if you need anything… I’m here.”
“I know. That’s why I called you in the first place,” I teased. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. I have some clothes to give you.”
“What clothes?”
I wasn’t sure how to explain the whole debacle over the clothes Nathan had bought, so I decided to skip it altogether. “I hit a great sale the other day and found a few things I thought you’d like.”
“That was so sweet. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been shopping.”
“There are a couple of things I thought you could wear to the club or out riding with Big.”
“Awesome. Thanks for doing that.”
“I’ll bring them over the next time I come by.”
“That sounds great.” She stood up as she said, “I guess I better get going. I need to
get gas before I go to class.”
“I’m glad you stopped by.” I gave her a quick hug. “But I still want us to do lunch soon.”
“Just let me know when and where, and I’ll be there.”
“You got it.” I followed her back into the restaurant and just as she started for the front door, I called, “Tell Big I said hi!”
“I will! Have a good one!”
I headed back to the bar and tried to get things in order before the dinner crowd started rolling in. As I stocked the glasses, I thought about my visit with Josie, and I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t just told her about Nathan. It would’ve helped to hear her take on things, but I was afraid I might hear something I didn’t like. I knew things weren’t going the way I’d hoped between us, but I loved him, and I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet.
The sun was just starting to rise when I pulled myself out of Tristen’s bed. I looked down at her, sleeping so peacefully, and I wanted to believe that my actions hadn’t hurt her last night. I should’ve stayed away, but I just couldn’t resist the temptation. I needed a second to forget, to feel her next to me and let go of the anger, but she deserved more than that. Even after I’d handled things wrong, she’d only shown me compassion and understanding, even when I didn’t deserve it. She’d shown me a glimpse of the light, given me a hunger for it, and I knew dealing with my past was the only way to completely erase the darkness. As much as I hated leaving her without setting things straight, I knew it wouldn’t be possible until I ended things with Lenny and Joey. So, I removed the bandages Tristen had put on my wounds and got dressed. After I found Max and explained everything to him, he started the hunt for Joey. I knew that even though Max was good, it would take time to find him, time I didn’t have. It wouldn’t be long before word got out that Lenny was missing, and fearing for his own life, Joey would go deeper into hiding.
As soon as I made it to the warehouse, I sent Ryder over to the condo to tend to Tristen. After he’d gotten her to work, I knew he’d need to get some sleep, so it was up to Max and me to finish this thing. While Max was putting out feelers looking for Joey, I went to have a chat with Lenny. With my black duffle bag, I walked into the room, and I was surprised to see how fucked up he looked. His eyelids were nearly swollen shut, bruises covered his face and body, and his hair was matted with sweat and blood. He was barely able to keep his head up as I walked into the room and lowered my bag to the floor. Ryder had been right to make me leave. One more good hit, and the motherfucker wouldn’t have been breathing.
