by Linda Mooney
His fingers came up again and brushed her cheek, trailing down to her jaw. The path he left awakened her senses, making her wish he would go back and touch her again. But they kept moving, caressing her skin until they reached her chin. Then, to her utter surprise and delight, he lifted her chin slightly. His lips came down over hers, warm and totally unexpected. There was no movement on his part. No mashing or attempt to breach the shallow opening between her lips and surge into her mouth. Just a soft pressure, not any firmer than when he had held her hand. Then it was gone.
Wordlessly he got to his feet and headed for the front door. J struggled to stand and tried to follow him. She managed to catch him before he closed the door behind him.
“Kiel?”
“Goodnight, J. We’ll be calling you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” she replied weakly. She saw his glow fade in the distance. Then, a blink later, it was gone.
Mechanically, she closed the door and locked it. Making her way back into the library, she checked to make sure the screen was up in front of the fireplace before trudging upstairs to her cold and lonely bedroom.
She changed into her cotton pajamas before crawling underneath the sheet and hand-sewn quilt, and listened to the sounds of the old house settling. The creaks and groans she’d grown up hearing were familiar and comforting because she knew there was nothing that could hurt her inside her sanctuary.
Lying there, she followed the path of his fingers with her own until she reached her mouth. His kiss had been the sweetest thing she had ever felt in her life. It had been more sensuous than any other kiss she’d experienced. Why he’d kissed her was a mystery. Maybe it was a thank you for listening to his story without condemnation. Or maybe it was because he wanted so hard to believe he was still among the living, and the simple act of touching and kissing was his way of confirming that.
Or maybe he’d kissed her because she’d so desperately wanted him to. And somehow he had known that.
Rolling over onto her side, J curled up and tried to unwind, but her mind remained in a state of unrest. More, her body continued to remind her of his strength and his warmth. He had touched only her hands, her shoulders, and her face. He had yet to embrace her, and J wondered how deeply it would affect her when he did.
When he did.
She groaned. There was no doubt in her mind that Kiel Stark would take her into his arms. Perhaps kiss her again. Yes, he would kiss her again because she wanted him to.
And then what? And then what, je t’aime? Then what? He’s dead. He has no future left. He’s living on borrowed time as it is. Once he finds his body, when he finds it, then what will you do?
Groaning again, J buried her face in her pillow where the groan became a muffled sob.
Downstairs the clock struck the hour of ten. Then eleven. She also heard it when it struck midnight and one o’clock. It was two before she finally was able to fall asleep.
Chapter 2
Tuesday
The night was cool but comfortable. Overhead, the stars peeked between the leaves of the trees that were mere shadows against the darkness.
To his left, a little more than a twenty yards away, was that damn statue the city had commissioned and put up at the entrance of the children’s park. Kiel would bet even money the thing scared more children than entertained them.
The night was very close to being exactly as it had been when he’d awakened here. A touch cooler, but other than that a perfect copy. Squatting down he ran his hand over the spot where he had come to, dead but alive. The grass was still green and long. It hadn’t been mowed in a while, just like it hadn’t been mowed when he had awakened.
He took a deep breath. It was instinctive, automatic. He no longer needed air to survive. Everything he did was out of habit. But everything he smelled, everything he touched, all of that was real. In fact, it was too real. Too much sensation bombarded him from all sides, as if dying had finally given his body the chance to savor the world the way he should have when he lived.
A thickness in his chest gave way to a soft sob. Crap, he couldn’t even cry anymore. Shoving his fingers through his hair, Kiel glanced upward at the heavens.
He almost hadn’t recognized her when she’d opened the door. The pale, swaddled figure he had escorted around today had shed her cocoon, revealing a butterfly of heart-pounding beauty. Her skin had glowed and smelled faintly of something floral he didn’t recognize. Hair the color of caramel hung in a ponytail down her back, giving her the appearance of a teenager.
And, dear God, the body underneath that loose top and short shorts. She was pale, proving she didn’t go out in the sun very often. Or if she did, she was careful to keep her skin well-covered. But there was no way he could miss the full breasts, the slender waist, and firm thighs.
One thing was certain. Kiel knew by the end of the day that he had fallen in love with J Laurent. Tonight only capped his misery.
She didn’t shy away from him. She didn’t withdraw from his touch, or try to keep her distance. She knew his circumstances, but it didn’t seem to matter. What made this whole mess worse was that she seemed to have wanted him to kiss her, and there was no way he could remain in that house once he did. He had to get away, away to think and to curse himself and a deity that would allow him to finally find love for the first time in his life.
And I’m a freakin’ ghost.
He had no future. He had no tomorrow that he could share or even offer to her. A humorless chuckle vibrated in his throat. They both were handicapped. Permanently handicapped.
Closing his hands into fists, he recalled the silkiness of her skin. The top of her head came up to his nose. Her forehead was a canvas for him on which to paint his kisses. He could feel the temptation of her breasts when he’d lightly brushed his knuckles against them, and at that moment he had felt his whole body pull toward her like a magnet drawn to its opposite pole.
She was life. Sweet, irresistible life. Of course she was his opposite. She was everything good in this world—freedom, possibilities, happiness. He had nothing to give her. Absolutely nada.
But how could he give her up when every voice inside him cried out how unfair it was? Without thinking, he tried to ram his fist into the ground. The reality of his situation bit him in the butt when he watched his hand and wrist disappear into the ground like smoke.
A whimper escaped him. Listlessly he dropped to the ground.
Honest to God, he’d only meant to go over tonight to apologize for Sam. And to let her know what had happened to him to make him this way. Maybe deep down he had hoped she could help him find some kind of explanation or reason, because he certainly didn’t have one.
Now he realized he’d only been fooling himself. Yeah, he had intended on checking on her, to make sure she was doing okay after the crap she’d been forced to go through. And he did want to offer an apology. The explanation—well, that was a given sooner or later.
No. After they had dropped her off at her place this evening, Kiel hadn’t wanted to leave her. Now things were only made worse. Those voices inside him had demanded he go back to that old house and take her into his arms. To taste her lips with all their incredible sweetness. And then sweep her upstairs and rip that flimsy shirt and pair of shorts off of that full, firm body before laying her across her bed and plunging himself…
Oh, fuck, no.
She wouldn’t turn him away. All that warmth that had wrapped itself around his frozen soul had been her way of telling him she accepted him. Without words, without question.
So why in hell was he sitting out here in the middle of the park? Because the last vestiges of humanity inside you are saying that unless you can better her life, unless there’s some way you can make her happy, that little dream of yours will stay unfulfilled. She has a life now. She is life. Don’t be a jerk and think you can make a difference because you can’t. And you never will.
There was only one door left open to him now. The last door. Through it he needed to proceed to find his bod
y and allow this spirit self of his to rest in peace. Sam would find the perps responsible and make them answer to justice. Then his brother would be able to grieve, the way he should have a month ago.
But why did the thought of letting her go have to hurt so goddamn much?
Sam awoke with a start, heart pounding and sweat rolling off of his body. For a long minute he lay there amid the tangled sheets, listening. Waiting. When the scent of freshly perked coffee drifted on the air, he let himself relax.
This is the way it had been for the past month, waking up, wondering if the past few weeks had been a nightmare or reality. Wondering if his half-brother was still a walking dead man, existing in that twilight zone of dreams.
Four years separated him and Kiel. He barely remembered his stepdad taking him to the hospital to visit his mother soon after she’d given birth. It was easier to recall the times growing up when he’d bullied and beaten up on his younger brother. Then, later, when they were in school, the times he had stood behind Kiel and defended him against those who tried to make hamburger out of him.
He didn’t remember his own father. His mother had told him that some men didn’t have the capacity to love others. Sam’s father was one of those men. It wasn’t his fault or hers that the man had left her alone, unmarried and pregnant. Which was why, when Michael Stark had come along and decided to take him and his mom to a different town and start a new life together, he had been relieved to finally have a real house he could live in, a man he could call dad, and later a little brother to play with.
Like all siblings, they’d had their rough moments. But as they grew older that familial love had become something more, something stronger. Dad died from a heart attack when Sam was a senior in high school. Mom passed away less than three years ago. Leaning on each other for support, both he and Kiel had attended community college and worked many part-time jobs to help pay for their tuition and books, as well as the bills. Once he earned his degree in criminal justice, Sam had gotten a job with the local police force. When he got promoted to detective, he had transferred to the big city, and Kiel had followed right behind, first with the hometown station, then copied the promotion to detective and a move to the city.
That was where all similarities ended between him and his little brother. Where Sam was tall, dark, and built like a cowboy accustomed to wrangling hardheaded cattle, Kiel was smaller and shorter in stature, more compact, and with hair the color of ripe corn. But, man, the guy was tough. Which was probably why he was one of the best when it came to working with the DEA. While Sam preferred to work straight homicide, Kiel often loaned himself out to help bust drug runners and meth labs, going undercover and playing a part that was Oscar worthy.
When the department had gone in to support the DEA’s latest target, Sam hadn’t been surprised to learn Kiel was in the thick of it. What no one had expected was for Kiel’s cover to be blown. Too clearly Sam could remember the bile rising in his stomach when he’d been forced to watch his brother being taken away by two unidentified perps in the middle of the firestorm. A week of emotional agony followed as everyone waited for news or a ransom demand.
And then came the day Kiel had shown up on his front porch—scarred, confused, bloody, and dead.
After stopping in the bathroom, Sam went into the living room on his way to the kitchen. He expected to see the man in his favorite seat near the front picture window, but the chair was empty. Neither was he in the kitchen, but the coffee was ready, meaning he had been here.
It was a struggle every morning to wake up now, wondering if Kiel had departed overnight. It was a daily battle to convince himself all over again that the man was an impossibility. Something that should never exist. And then the man would be there, looking solid and real, like he belonged among the living. Only later to do something nonliving that would remind them both how unreal their lives had become.
“Kiel? Where are you?”
“Backyard.”
He noticed the back door was open. Walking over to the screen door, he glanced outside at the patio. Kiel was standing in the sunlight, staring out into the distance. He was wearing another suit that couldn’t have been bought with a week’s worth of pay. Sam was amazed someone hadn’t questioned him before now about his wardrobe.
“You okay?”
Kiel gave a grunt. “Oh, yeah. Peachy.”
Going back to pour himself a cup of coffee, Sam dropped two slices of bread into the toaster for a quick breakfast. They had a little less than an hour to get to work. He figured he had time to take a shower before they had to face the traffic.
“Sam, I got a problem.”
“Mmm?” Sam glanced up from his toast to see Kiel staring out the window over the sink. He hadn’t heard the screen door squeak open and close, meaning the man had materialized inside like a wraith.
“It’s J.”
“What about her?”
“I think I’m in love with her.”
Sam’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit, Kiel. Are you sure?”
“No, I’m not sure,” Kiel spat back. “How the hell would I know what love is when I’ve never felt this way before?”
“How do you know it’s not something related to your, uhh, to you being dead?”
“Oh, that’s rich. Like I have to be dead to know I’m in love?” Pivoting around, Kiel headed for the living room with Sam in tow.
“So are you going to tell her?”
Kiel whirled around to face his brother. “Tell her what? Why? What can I offer her, Sam? Huh? What? Tell me, what kind of future can I offer someone like her? And then while you’re at it, explain to me why something this special and fantastic doesn’t happen to me until after I’m dead!”
“You can’t beat yourself up like this, Kiel. You don’t even know if J feels the same way.”
Perching his hands on his hips, Kiel fidgeted a moment, then turned to look back at his brother. “I went over there last night.”
“You what?”
Kiel nodded. “I went over to apologize for all that crap she had to go through yesterday. And to explain why I’m…” He waved a hand from his head down to his waist. “This way.”
“What’d she say?”
“Not much. I-I kissed her.”
Sam raised both eyebrows in surprise but remained silent.
“And then I left.”
“Instead of giving her the chance to say ‘yea’ or ‘nay’?”
“I was afraid.”
“Of what? Rejection? Boy, talk about a doo-doo head,” Sam quipped, using a name he’d often used on his younger sibling when they were children. Kiel narrowed his eyes at him. Recognizing that expression, Sam threw his hands up in surrender. “Hey, toss that evil eye in another direction, bro. I’m giving you my honest opinion, unless it’s something you’re not wanting from me at the moment. And if it isn’t, tough shit. Too late.”
“You know I can’t offer her any sort of future.”
“Yeah, you’ve already said that. But I think you’re missing the whole point here, Kiel.”
“That being?”
“I don’t know what the good Lord intended when He let you end up this way. We may never find out. But I do know that you’ve been given the chance at happiness. Dear God, you’ve found someone to love, and who’s willing to accept you without a warranty! Frankly, I’m jealous as hell, but you don’t see me crying and moaning because I’ve been left out, do you?”
“Sam.”
“Don’t ‘Sam’ me, Kiel Michael. Get your head out of your ass and get down on your knees, and thank the angels you’ve been given this chance to find someone like J. And while you’re down there, see if you can’t ask them to find someone like her for me as well.” He gave Kiel a crooked grin.
They stared at each other for a long moment. Finally Kiel glanced up at the clock on the wall above the television. “We need to get going or we’ll be late.”
Shaking his head, Sam rushed back to the bedroom and managed a quick shower
before he got dressed. The ride to work was mostly silent until they neared the station.
“Now what, Kiel?”
“Well, she still wants to see the first two victims. Plus she wants to find out who owns that apartment building where our trio of victims was found.”
“That’s not what I meant and you damn well know it. What happens now between you and J?”
“Nothing happens, Sam. You know that as well as I do.” The man’s voice was firm, but Sam could tell when his brother was hurting and keeping it tightly bottled up inside.
“And what if she’s not willing to accept nothing?”
The look Kiel gave him was filled with regret, but his brother kept his lips pressed together in a thin line and remained silent for the rest of the trip.
They were just pulling into the parking lot when their call sign came over the radio. “Delta Echo Six Five, we copy,” Kiel answered as Sam slowed the car.
“Captain Redd requests you on two.”
“Copy. Delta Echo Six Five over to two.” He flipped the channels and mouthed the mic. “This is Delta Echo Six Five reporting in.”
“Reese, Stark, where are you two?”
“Sitting in the parking lot. Why?”
“We have another body. Looks like the sixth victim of the Shredder. I’m on my way over. You two go get our little lady and meet me over there.” The captain gave them the address then signed off.
Putting the car in reverse, Sam said, “You might want to call her and let her know we’re on our way.”
“She may already know it,” Kiel admitted, but accepted his brother’s cell anyway.
They could tell it was going to be another long day.
Her heart had leaped when she heard his voice over the phone. Putting the receiver back in its cradle, J quickly swallowed the rest of her tea and put the mug in the sink before hurrying upstairs.
Sometime during the night she had accepted the fact that she couldn’t count on Kiel being here every day. Not when there was the undeniable truth that his existence could blow away at any second. Therefore she had to be willing to take any time she could have with him and cherish it for what it was. For whatever happiness it brought her.
