"I think that they fear ye, milady, if they let me sit with them." Robena's soft voice carried far due to the eerie silence around them. More murmuring filled the room as the people waited for Anice's reaction to what could be considered an insult from Robena.
"You are most probably correct, Robena." Raising her voice, Anice continued, "Robena is welcome in the keep and at meals. Find a seat for her now."
Robert watched in stupefied muteness as there was some shifting at one of the tables and a space opened on the bench next to it. Robena smiled at Anice and walked to the seat as though this were something that happened every day. Soon the meal continued and he looked back at Anice. Why? Why had she done this?
"'Tis true, then? Ye had words with the whore today?" Struan's gruff voice was low enough not to bring attention but loud enough for all at table to hear. Robert then noticed that Struan had aged considerably since Sandy's death—his skin had lost some of its healthy color and his hair was now more white than gray.
"I did visit her, Struan. We had matters to discuss." Anice's voice was even and calm, but he could feel the tension rising between her and her father-by-marriage.
"'Tis unseemly for ye, the daughter of an earl and maither to another, to be calling on the village whore, Anice. Remember yer place, lass." Struan motioned for the tray of meats to be brought and he pulled a small bird from it. Tearing into the roasted carcass, he said, "Ye are a lady and must keep yer distance from those no' worthy of yer attentions."
Although the subject was Robena, Robert felt certain that Struan spoke about him. Anice's many kindnesses had not gone unnoticed by the older man. He met his father's gaze without flinching.
"I assure you, Laird, I do not plan to consort with whores. This was something I needed to do. I will remember my place." Anice nodded and lowered her eyes to her plate, but that did nothing to ease the rigidity in her posture.
"Ye are a good lass, Anice. Ye have done yer duty well by the clan."
There was an odd tone to his voice that made Robert look once more at Struan. The laird simply nodded to Anice and turned his attention back to his plate, leaving Robert to ponder the meaning behind his words. A little while later, Struan stood and pushed back his chair.
"The elders meet with me this eve in the solar. Anice, would ye have some ale brought there before we begin?" At her nod, he added, "And make certain we are no' disturbed."
Anice leaned back in her chair and motioned to Connor, who was standing off to one side. In a seamless effort, no words were passed yet orders were given with nothing more than the wave of a hand and the nod of a head. Anice was clearly back in her position and back in control of all that went on within the keep. And, good God, how she reveled in it!
He realized that she had spent a good portion of her life in charge or in training to be in charge of Dunnedin. That she and Struan had long ago worked out a system between them for handling the duties each one was responsible for. Now that she was completely recovered, she was stepping back into the place she had made for herself.
Once Struan left the table, the servants began clearing away the dishes and cups. Robert looked among the people for his friend and found her in the midst of a lively discussion where she sat. Deciding to find out the reasons behind Anice's actions, he moved to the seat at her side, now vacated by Firtha.
"She is so much the outcast here, it does my heart good to see her included. I thank ye for yer kindness to her."
A blush began to color her neck and face. She smiled at him and then seemed to struggle to find the words she wanted. Finally, she spoke.
"I went to see her because of you, Robert." The surprise must have been clear on his face for she looked away and continued her explanation. "I have been looking for ways to show you the gratitude I feel for your part in saving my son's life." She paused for a moment. "And my own life as well. I knew she was your friend and offered her whatever she might need to make her life a more comfortable one."
"What did she ask for? This?" Robert looked over to where Robena was seated.
"Nay. She asked for nothing. I told her to come to me if she did and then realized that my own words would keep her away. So, I said that the keep would be open to her as long as she did not ply her trade among the married men while here."
"And ye did this for me?"
A frown filled her face and her brows gathered close together. He knew she was thinking of some personal darkness for it was there on her face clearly.
"I went to her because of you and then found I owed her a debt of my own." Anice shook her head and then looked at him. "I have tried today to understand that she does her part for the clan as much as anyone else does here. I cannot condone it, but I am trying to accept it and to accept her. She is entitled as much as any MacKendimen to share in the bounty we have. Now," she said, standing from her seat, "I am finished discussing her and need to see to my wee tyrant above."
He rose next to her and waited for her to leave the dais. Another look was exchanged between her and Robena, which he did not understand at all. Well, if Anice would say no more, that was fine. He knew that Robena would tell him all he needed or wanted to know. She stood and left her bench, accompanied by one of the younger warriors. She would be busy for some time with the bairn so he left the keep and walked the perimeter walls to clear his head. But, the crisp air and brisk pace did not help him that night.
* ~ * ~ *
The fog swirled down the paths and surrounded the cottages in its surreal grasp. A nearly full moon added its light to the landscape, but the rays could not penetrate to the ground. He walked among the shadows, down a familiar lane until he reached his destination. No lamp or fire burned within, so he quietly opened the door and entered. The fire was banked for the night and the first room was empty. He moved soundlessly until he found Robena on her pallet in the second room. Pulling off his plaid, he lay down next to her and fitted his body to hers. He covered them both with the woolen length and settled behind her for the night.
They'd begun sleeping together a few nights a week some time ago, each one wanting the pleasure of holding someone close. Rarely did it move beyond this for them now because even though she was willing, he grew uncomfortable with their sexual liaisons. Now, Robert knew she was awake, for as quiet as he could be, she stirred at the least sound or movement within her cottage. She moved against him, making herself more comfortable now that he had settled down.
"The Lady Anice owes ye a debt?" His words were whispered, since his mouth was so close to her ear.
"Does she say so? I ken of no debt owed to me." Robena let out a loud sigh and scrunched down into the cocoon he'd made around them with his body and plaid. "Truly, I would rather if we didna talk about it."
He waited for another few minutes to pass and then tried again—he would know the details before morn.
"She must feel particularly beholden to ye for something to change her own orders about ye eating in the hall."
"Rob, if I tell ye this, will ye never mention it again?"
He hesitated, now not certain if he should pursue this knowledge or not. Every instinct in him screamed of impending bad news. "Aye, I promise this will be the end of it."
"Sandy returned to Dunnedin filled with anger. He was furious at Struan for delaying his marriage and sending him to England. He was furious at Anice for the part he thought she played in the delay and for what he thought had happened while he'd been away those years with King David." Robena paused but he did not interrupt. "He and his Sassenach friends came here looking for some fun, as they called it, two nights afore the wedding."
He tried to remain still, but he could not stop the tensing of his muscles. He shifted, trying to maintain a relaxed position around her. "And?" he asked, helpless to stop himself now.
"Well, I have had some rough ones afore, but they were no' here for pleasure. Moira did what she could to patch me up afterwards."
Pure rage built within him. Sandy again—and at the center of so
meone else's torment. He tried to force his breaths in and out slowly but it did not help. As a warrior he knew not to let anger control him, but lying here listening to Robena's calm recitation of her terrifying ordeal was more than he could bear. She turned in his embrace and massaged his arms. Then, reaching up, she touched him on the cheek.
"And this is why I have never mentioned it to ye. Or to anyone."
"What injuries did ye have?" She hesitated and he squeezed her. "Tell me."
"Rob. I am well now. Truly. Moira did her best for me and all is well."
An underlying current of sadness tinged her words and he knew deep in his being that all was not well. And he knew also that until he knew the full extent of it, he would keep pushing for the truth.
"Robena, tell me what ye hold back from others. I am yer friend."
She snuggled closer to him and tucked her head against his chest. If he had not been this near to her, he would never have heard her words. And then, once he did, he wished he had not.
"I canna ever have bairns of my own, Rob."
Wave after wave of emotion passed over him and he struggled not to show her anything but the comfort she needed. The roar within him grew until he wanted to pummel his dead brother with his own fists. An arrow in the back was too good a death for the likes of him.
"How could ye do this again? How could ye take men to yerself after he did that to ye?"
She lifted her face to him and, by the light of the moon streaming in the small window in her chamber, he saw the tears running down her cheeks. "But what else can I do? Although a few of the men would be willing to marry me to gain children, now I canna even offer that. Whoring is all I have left."
"Here now," he said as he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs and stroked her hair back. "I want ye to ken that I would strangle him with my bare hands if he were here."
"Oh, Rob. Ye could no' harm yer own brother, even for me."
Now he did stiffen, nothing could have prevented it. She knew?
"Aye, I ken that ye are Struan's son by Dougal's wife. I kenned that the night ye left Dunnedin. And ye would no' be able to hurt Sandy if he were alive now. Ye are too honorable."
"I dinna feel honorable right now," he confessed. He knew his time was ending here and it would soon be time to go. Mayhap she would go with him back to Dunbarton. Could he offer her marriage? He was not certain of that, but he knew they could live together comfortably.
"Will ye come back with me to Dunbarton when I go? We can wed there...." His words drifted off; he was not sure of what to say.
She pulled from his embrace and sat up next to him. "I dinna hold ye responsible for what yer brother and his friends did to me. Ye ken we canna marry."
"Why no? Struan doesna want me here and, unless he acknowledges me as his son, I have no place in the clan. Listen, Robena, I canna promise to love ye, but I would marry ye and care for ye."
"And I canna marry ye if ye dinna love me." She smiled a terribly sad smile and touched his cheek with the back of her hand. "I would want it all with ye, Rob. Or nothing. And ye canna offer me yer love when ye stand ready to give it to someone else."
He would have objected, but she covered his lips with her own. When she drew back from the kiss, she turned and lay close to him once more, tucking the plaid around them. What could he say? She was correct—his love was for someone else. Someone who would never know of it.
When the night was quiet around them again, she whispered something to him.
"I appreciate the comfort we share and yer offer of marriage. I thank ye, but I canna take more than what we share already here."
He held her as she fell asleep, her breaths becoming deeper and more even. And he knew he would not sleep this night as he thought over the truths he had learned. Truths about his brother, about Robena, and about Anice. And his role in all of this.
Chapter 16
"Have mercy, Rob! There is none left to oppose ye now." Brodie held up his hands in surrender from the place where he'd landed in the dirt. Only a warrior of his size and strength would be able to laugh after being pummeled into the ground before his own men. Robert stepped back from his opponent, panting from his own exertions.
Reaching down, he pulled Brodie to his feet. Once he released his friend's hand, he looked around and saw that Brodie spoke the truth- he had challenged and beat every one of the men who were assigned to the training yard this morn. Those few who were just lately watching the exercises would not meet the dare he knew shone forth in his gaze. Finally, he accepted that his attempts to wear himself out with battle were going to be unsuccessful yet again.
As he accepted a dipperful of water from one of the young boys assisting the weapons’ master, he heard Brodie ordering the men to gather their supplies and meet outside the gate in one hour's time. Then Brodie joined him near the fence. For a time they were both silent, then Brodie turned and looked him in the eye.
"To what purpose do ye wear yerself into the ground?"
"What?" Robert asked.
"Ye ken of what I speak, Rob. Ye have been taking on all who would fight ye day in and day out for these last three weeks. I want to ken why."
"So I can sleep at night." That was just the beginning of the reason, Robert knew, but as much as he was ready to admit.
"I would think that Robena would be willing to tire ye out in a much better way." Brodie winked as he spoke. "Really now, this is more about rage than about wearing yerself out. And I fear ye may do injury to yerself or the men in this attempt to work out yer rage on them."
His anger rose quickly. "I wouldna harm any of them, Brodie. Ye should ken that much about me." A few broken noses and some bruises were all the suffering he'd inflicted so far, and one of the broken noses had been his own... twice.
'"Tis about yer leaving, is it no'?"
Of course it was about leaving. Leaving without being acknowledged, leaving without being accepted, leaving without her. For he could not gain one without losing any chance of the other. If named as Struan's son, even his natural one, he could take his rightful place next to his father. But that would remove Anice from him, for neither the church nor she would accept marriage due to their degree of affinity.
If he pursued Anice, there was even a chance, a very big one, that Struan would reveal his parentage just to stop them. Marriage to him would place her son under his authority and Struan definitely wanted the babe in his control. For the inheritance of the leadership of the clan was determined not only by birth, but also by abilities and the vote of the clan elders.
"Aye, 'tis about just that," he finally answered.
"Have ye decided when to return to Dunbarton?"
"I leave in three days."
"Ye dinna sound as though ye want to go."
"Well, Brodie, I dinna have my choice in the matter. Struan haes made his announcements and to say otherwise would be to call the laird a liar," Robert said as he turned once more to face his friend. "And that is something I am no' willing to do before the clan."
"So, ye will have yerself beaten to a pulp and then leave wi'out ever asking Struan if ye can stay?"
"Ask Struan? Me? I should, what, get on my knees and beg for a place in his hall?" Robert could barely speak the words. His blood pounded through him and he clenched his teeth against the sound of it. "Ye ken the truth of it, Brodie. Ye ken that he should be asking me to stay. And now that Sandy is dead, 'tis an even better time, a better chance for him to speak the truth of it before all."
"I ask again, have ye had these words with him? Have ye spoken since Sandy's death?"
"Nay. I've no'. Struan is either too busy to speak to me or someone is always around him." At Brodie's skeptical glance, he continued, "Or he is at Sandy's grave."
"Mayhap that is the perfect place to have this out at last."
He could not, would not, go to that grave. After hearing Robena's words, he feared that his rage would get the best of him and that he would desecrate the b
urial place. "'Tis over, Brodie. I have a place in Dunbarton; one that I have made for myself. I just have to let go of the anger I feel about no' being able to stay and make a life here."
"Can ye do that, Rob? Can ye leave it all and move on with yer life? Do ye even ken what ye want for yerself?"
"I want what ye have—a wife, a home, a bairn on the way. Not much more than that. And until Struan's summons, I was contented to find that with the clan MacKillop. 'Twill be enough once I return and get back to my life and duties."
That was it, he told himself. A year ago, he was preparing to make that kind of life in Dunbarton. Ada had warned him not to raise his hopes and expect more from Struan. It would have been so much easier if he had listened to her advice. Now he stood with his dreams crushed and ready to leave the very people he wanted to be with and the place that he wanted to be.
Brodie clapped him on the back and laughed. "Well, if ye dinna have Moira reset that nose of yers, none of the MacKillop lasses will have ye." The discussion was at an end.
Robert wiped the blood that still dripped from his twice-broken nose. He would see Moira and then begin preparations for leaving. Firtha and Ramsey married in two days and he would depart the next day. Since the summer's end approached, it would be the perfect time to go. If there were such a time.
* ~ * ~ *
The ceilidh to celebrate Firtha and Ramsey's vows was the first since Sandy's death and Craig's birth so Anice chose to sit and watch the dancing. With the bairn on her lap, she chatted with some of the other mothers and laughed over some of the antics of the dancers as they passed in a circle. Tapping her feet, she bounced Craig and talked to him as the music grew louder and louder. Then, with a yell, it was over and the men and women walked away chatting and laughing.
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