"All of those things and more. And I have no' the courage to tell her."
"She haes the courage to hear the truth from ye, Robert. She haes faced down a demon and lived through it. Surely a tale of love would be less frightening than that?"
Robert looked across the table and snorted. "Is there nothing that ye dinna ken?"
"No' much," Duncan said with a laugh. "And what I dinna ken, the Lady Margaret does."
"Do ye share all with her? Even this knowledge?" He was not sure that he wanted his and Anice's story known by anyone but the laird, Ada, and the priest. Duncan stood and walked around the table to Robert. Reaching out to him, the laird grasped his hand and pulled him to his feet.
"I learned many, many years ago that 'twas definitely less painful to simply tell that woman what she wished to ken, rather than struggle to keep things from her. Aye, Robert, she kens as much as I do about ye and yer lady wife." Duncan put his arm around Robert's shoulders and guided him to the door. "And ye have her formidable support as much as ye have mine."
"Even if it brings war?"
Duncan laughed now and put his hand on the handle of the door. "I hold thrice as much land and that many more warriors than Struan can call to face me. He may be a stubborn old man, but he is no' stupid. Mayhap my backing will cause him to think about his reasons for treating ye as he haes and to consider his options once more for the good of his clan."
The laird pulled open the door and stepped into the hallway.
"Now, ye had best get yerself to yer room before Lady Margaret comes looking for ye herself."
He turned and held out his hand. Duncan took it and pulled him into a hug.
"My thanks for all ye have done for me, Duncan."
"'Twill be thanks enough if ye tread carefully as I taught ye and settle this between ye and Anice and ye and Struan."
Robert nodded, for he could force no words from his tightened throat. He was touched beyond belief at Duncan's support for him and Anice. He turned and followed the corridor to his room. Not knowing what to expect, he knocked. He took a deep breath and tried to let the wine he'd drunk in the hall and in the solar calm his ragged nerves. He felt like a bridegroom after the ceremony today and the celebration tonight, but he knew that no bride's welcome awaited him this night.
"Come," her soft voice filtered through the door and he pushed against it.
The soft glow of many candles lit the room and the smell of freshly laid rushes reached him where he stood. He inhaled their aroma and recognized the full and powerful scent of roses. Lady Margaret had worked her wonders on the room after they'd left for the meal and she had turned it into a wedding-night bower for them. If she knew the truth of their situation, then why had she done this?
"She said that every bride and groom deserved such a start to their marriage." Anice's voice traveled to him in the quiet and he finally found her in one corner of the room. "I did not have the heart to tell her the truth."
"I have a feeling that she kens the truth of it anyway, Anice."
"She does?" At his nod, she continued, "Then why carry out this farce?" Her head tilted towards the petal-strewn bed and the decorated room.
"The Lady Margaret is ever hopeful. She wants to believe that the best will happen, even from the worst of beginnings."
He stepped further into the room and pushed the door closed behind him. At least he would not rest among vermin now that the laird's wife had cleaned the chamber. A bed of blankets on fresh rushes before the hearth would be more comfortable than many other nights he'd spent on the ground or on cold stone floors. As he walked closer, he realized that she held a bundle on her lap. Craig.
"I had to feed him, Robert. I missed two other feedings, and the pain of it..." Her words faded as she tried to explain it to him. He did not mind if she nursed the bairn here, 'twas her room now as much as his. "Lady Margaret tried to convince me to let the wet nurse see to him this night, but I needed to." Her one hand moved to her chest and she pressed it against her breast.
"If ye dinna feed him, 'tis painful then?" Robert thought he understood this situation. Like cows if not milked, he thought, and he winced then too as he realized his wife would not be complimented by such a comparison.
"Aye."
He knew now that her clipped response told of her embarrassment on the topic. And since he did not want to dwell on the shape or size or hardness of her breasts, he changed the subject.
"Will he sleep with us here?" He looked around the room and spotted a cradle near the bed. The decision had been made already.
"It is up to you, Robert," she said as she rose from her seat in the corner. Lifting the babe to her shoulder, she patted his back until he let out a loud burp. "Once the piglet is fed, he will sleep anywhere."
He smiled at her name for the babe. She could have asked him for anything and he would have granted it while looking at her like this. The sheer nightrail trailed on the floor and her hair hung down in waves over the plaid she wore as a shawl. The red and gold shades of her tresses were lit by the fire and even her skin glowed from it. The bruise on her forehead was fading even now and would be gone before their return to Dunnedin.
All he could think about was unwrapping her and making love to her before the fire. He wanted to see the blush steal its way up her breasts and onto her neck and face. He wanted to kiss and touch every part of her and he desperately craved her touch on him. And mostly, he wanted her to return his kisses. Return them with vigor and wanting and of her own choice. Sighing, he realized that he was only fueling his own lust and for naught. Nothing but his own discomfort and sleeplessness would come from letting his desires get out of control.
She must have thought his sigh was one of displeasure for she walked to him and reached out in supplication. "Robert, truly, it will be as you wish. Lady Margaret said to call and a servant would take him to the nurse's chambers for the night. I do not wish to disturb your rest."
"Anice, ye misunderstand. If the bairn sleeping with ye will ease yer own rest, then keep him here. The bed is big enough for the two of ye."
Her eyes widened and she looked from him to the bed and back again.
"Where will you sleep?"
"There," he said, pointing at the spot in front of the hearth. "'Tis many a night I've slept on worse. With a blanket or two, it will be just fine."
She looked at him in frank disbelief and then turned and placed the babe in the center of the bed. Opening one of the storage trunks, she pulled out several thick blankets and began to arrange them on the floor.
"Here, Anice, give them to me."
"'Twould seem to be the least I can do for you, Robert." She layered the blankets and took a pillow from the bed and placed it for his use. "This would not seem to be such a good bargain for you, Robert. I cannot imagine what there is in it for you."
At that moment, with his body's desires raging and his mind warring with his wants, he could not think of anything good in this situation either. Mayhap the morning would bring a clearer mind and a swim in the loch outside the village would ease his lust. Then he could understand why he had come up with this hellish torture called a marriage in name only and why he had entered it of his own free will. He finally just grunted at her question, and, peeling off his plaid, he lay down and wrapped himself up before the fire. He could tell a long night awaited him.
* ~ * ~ *
He had barely closed his eyes when the knock came on the door. It could not yet be morning, but the light shining through the small glass window told him it was. He climbed from his cocoon of covers and hastened to the door, not wanting to wake Anice or the bairn. Opening the door a crack, he saw young Kevin standing in the hall.
"The laird said to join him at the stables when ye can, Robert."
"Tell Duncan I will be there immediately, Kevin," he whispered.
"He said to tell ye no' to rush. He said there's time to break yer fast."
Turning back and seeing Anice asleep on the bed, he knew this w
as the perfect time to leave. She would have the privacy she needed to take care of the bairn's and her own needs and he would be able to seek out the relief of the icy waters of the loch.
He nodded at the boy and closed the door. Finding a clean length of plaid, he placed it over his belt on the floor, positioned the pleats, lay on it, and gathered it around him. He still wore the shirt from yesterday, but it would suit his needs for now. Adjusting the extra material over his shoulder, he hooked on the large brooch to hold it in place. He tugged on his boots and was ready to leave when he heard her yawn.
"Is something wrong, Robert, to take you from your bed so early?"
The morning huskiness of her voice wakened his desire for her once more and he stood and stared at her as she sat up in bed... in his bed. Her hair, now loosened from her sleeping braid, flowed over her shoulders and fine wisps of it encircled her face. The sun's rays beaming through the window behind her made it appear as a sparkling crown on her head and his fingers itched to move through it again as he had during their kiss at dinner. If she knew her appeal, she did not show it. Instead she tortured him further by stretching and yawning.
Her breasts, now full and ready for her son's appetite, whetted his own as they pressed against the thin layer of linen she wore. His body reacted vigorously to the enticing view she presented and he knew he had to leave before his lust overpowered his control.
"The laird summons me. I must go now," he said as he turned away to gather his weapons and sporran.
"Now? This early? Is something amiss?"
Anice pushed back the covers, slid her feet to the floor, and reached for the plaid shawl next to the bed. Pulling it around her shoulders, she turned away from him and in but a few moments rebraided her hair. She never realized the unobstructed view of her round, soft bottom that she presented to him with her motions and although he could barely breathe, he could not look away. Memories of holding her on his lap during the ride here flooded his mind and his erection grew harder. Even the loosely hung plaid around his waist would not hide it from view.
This was, he realized in that moment, to be his punishment, his penance for his many sins. He would live in a constant state of wanting his wife who, in spite of the fact she had borne a son, was as innocent now as the day she married. She would never know the effect that her everyday movements, the way her hair flowed down her back or the sway of her hips as she walked, drove him to the brink of explosion. He was to pay for his lies and his coveting by being so near to her and yet never having and never touching her? 'Twould be a long and torturous life ahead if that was the Almighty's plan.
"I must see to the laird's call, Anice. I will see ye later in the day."
She called out a farewell to him, but he could only grunt in response. He could not risk another look at her without also risking her seeing his current state of arousal. And, innocent or not, the sight would be difficult to misunderstand. He left, pulling the door closed behind him. A visit to the loch and then to find the laird. And, with sufficient planning, he would not see her until she was asleep once more that night.
Chapter 24
"He seems to grunt a lot."
Her answer to Lady Margaret's questions caused the other women in the room to exchange knowing glances and then soft laughter filled the room. The laird's wife reached over and patted her hand in a comforting sort of way.
"He is a good man, Anice. Give him time to adjust to yer ways."
"But my mother taught me that 'tis a wife's duty to adjust to her husband. Is this not the way of it then?"
She was confused. She knew how to wheedle what she wanted from Struan; their many years together had shown her his weaknesses and she used them as she needed to in order to accomplish her tasks and duties at Dunnedin. She somehow thought that dealing with a husband would be different from that. Anice shook her head and looked for guidance from Lady Margaret.
"Now, dear, dinna fash yerself over these matters. Ye and Robert will learn each other's ways soon enough."
"'Tis not the same, Lady Margaret. He said you knew..." She realized the others in the room were listening with unabashed curiosity and she could not expose the real basis of their marriage.
"Here now, ladies," Lady Margaret called out. "Please give us some privacy."
Anice watched as the women gathered up their work and left the room. She feared speaking of such private matters even with this woman, but she needed some advice. And so far, all that she'd seen of and heard about the laird's wife told her this was the person to ask.
Lady Margaret stood and walked to the other table and poured both of them some ale. Bringing it back to where she sat, the older woman sat down and looked directly at Anice.
"So, 'tis to be a marriage in name only then? No' a true union of man and wife?" Although she did not expect such a blunt question, Anice could detect no sense of disapproval in her tone.
"That is our agreement."
"And is that what ye want? Marriage to a man who will no' share yer bed? Do ye no' crave more bairns and the happiness of a true marriage?"
Anice began to answer and then stopped. Did she want that? Years ago, when preparing for her move to Dunnedin, she had dreamed of a wonderful life, filled with children and a husband and her duties as lady of the clan MacKendimen. Her innocent imaginings were far from the reality of her life once she arrived. Sandy, whom she had met only twice before, was in England, and she spent her time carrying out Lady Edana's orders. Then after the lady's death, she took over and ran the keep as chatelaine and prepared for her wedding—the wedding that did not come until five years later. Memories of that wedding and the weeks after reminded her of what she wanted.
"I want simply to return to my duties in Dunnedin and be allowed to carry on as I did before, without the attentions of a husband." There. That explained it clearly.
"Even if that husband is Robert?" Lady Margaret sipped from her cup and looked at Anice over its rim. Anice nodded. "Then why did ye seek him out? What did he do to ye that ye would punish him in this way?"
"Punish him? I do not understand your meaning."
"Well, lass. Ye have saddled him for the rest of his life with a wife in name only, one who will no’ give him bairns of his own, one who will no' share his bed. It surely sounds to me that ye meant to punish him."
Anice reeled at her words. She had not thought of the impact of her actions on Robert's life. She had sought him out because she trusted him to help her, never dreaming of the solution he would suggest. In her desperation to escape marriage to another man and losing her babe, she had sentenced him to a life without a family to call his own.
"I did not realize..." she whispered, horrified at the results of her actions.
"Can ye no' commit to him in a real marriage?" Lady Margaret's words were soft, but the question terrified her.
"I cannot. Not even knowing now the wrong I did against him." She had told him that he would have to take whatever he wanted from her, that she could not offer it to him. He knew the truth of their arrangement. Why was Lady Margaret trying to change things between them? "He knew before we married that I could not give in to him that way. That he would have to take his marital rights without my cooperation."
"And kenning him enough to trust him with yer life and that of yer son, do ye think he would take from ye? I raised him better than that, dear. Can ye no' trust him with yer body now that ye have turned yerself over into his care?"
Flashes of the night with Sandy reminded her of the horrors her body and soul had suffered. She would never be able to separate those memories and fears and hold them aside while joining physically with another man, even if that man was Robert. Shivering at the terror provoked even now by those thoughts, she stood and stepped away from the table.
"I want to check on the babe. If you'll excuse me, Lady Margaret?"
"Of course, my dear." Lady Margaret stood as Anice made her way to the door of the solar. "Anice?" Anice turned to face her.
"Why do
ye think he did this?"
"Robert? I do not know. I asked him and he said he haes his own reasons."
"What do you think those reasons are? Have you thought about it?"
"To raise his own standing? To seek the inheritance I bring to my husband? That is why men marry above their station in life, is it not?"
"That is why most men would marry someone with a title and wealth. Do ye think he does it for that?"
Anice just needed to get away—from the lady and her troubling words. She did not want to examine Robert's reasons or her own more closely right now. She just wanted to get back to Dunnedin and settle this with Struan and her father.
"A true union can stand against any and all who threaten it. There is nothing stronger. Remember that, lass."
She almost ran from the words. Craig did not need her right now; that was an excuse to leave. Anice searched for a place to be alone and found it after several tries. She discovered a small herb garden near the lower kitchens and sought some quiet there among the still-growing plants. It was not long before she was on her knees, weeding out the herbs and preparing them for the coming autumn harvest. Only the signal of her very full breasts told of how much time had passed while she toiled there. Wiping her hands on a towel she'd found among the tools, she stood to leave.
The sound of a baby crying echoed through the garden and she felt her milk let down and start to seep into her dress. Crossing her arms over her chest, she walked to the entrance, only to find Robert standing there. He carried her squalling son on his shoulder and smiled when he saw her.
"Emma was about to feed him when I returned to my... our room. I thought ye may have need to?" He looked at the telltale stains on her gown and his gaze seemed to make the milk flow even faster.
She could only nod and take the babe from him. Returning to a bench in the shade, she threw her shawl over her shoulders and loosened the ties on her chemise and her gown. Bringing the babe to her breast, she sighed as the draw on her nipple released the flow and brought with it some measure of relief. It was only then that she remembered Robert's presence.
Once Forbidden Page 22
