by Lola StVil
She gives me a half nod, and I feel my insides shrivel up.
“Why him, Grey? Why Dick?” I ask again.
I know she explained to me that she was trying to prove she was over me, but I know her better than anyone. Maybe even better than she knows herself, and I know there’s more to it than she told me. I’m hoping now I’ve really opened up to her, she can open up to me too. I know it’s too late for us, but it would be nice to have an honest conversation, one that might bring us both some closure.
She shrugs, and I sigh.
“I just told you things I’ve never told anyone. At least have the decency to do the same. You owe me that much,” I say.
I see a flash of anger in her eyes.
“Owe you?” she shouts. “You fucking left me, Holden! I don’t owe you a thing. But you want the truth? Fine. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me.”
I give her a sad smile and place Cannon’s keys down on the stairs and stand up.
“Well congratulations, you win,” I say.
I start walking down the stairs. I hear Grey pull herself to her feet, but I don’t look back. I can’t. I can’t bear to see her again, knowing I will never be able to hold her or kiss her ever again. Knowing I will never get to feel her body pressed against mine. Knowing I’ll never again hear her scream my name as we make love.
“Wait. Holden, where are you going?” Grey shouts from behind me.
“Away,” I say. “I’m sorry. I just can’t be here right now. I said too much, and I’m sorry to burden you with that, but yeah, it’s time for me to go.”
“But where are you going?” she presses me.
Is it because she doesn’t want me to leave again? No, I can’t let myself believe that again. She’s made it clear we can’t be together.
“Why do you care? You said it yourself. You can’t forgive me, and you wanted to hurt me, Grey.”
I don’t give her a chance to respond. I go down the stairs two at a time and step out into the cool night air. I start walking. I feel like my heart is being crushed, shattering into a thousand tiny pieces. The dream is over, the fantasy gone. I know now what I’ve always been too afraid to admit. I am alone in the world.
I walk for what feels like hours, trying to clear my head, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There isn’t one. Not anymore. Not if I stay here. Here there is only memories and regrets.
I eventually head home when I finally convince myself that no amount of walking is going to clear my head or make me feel better about any of this. I go up to my room, and I sit down at the end of the bed and put my face in my hands. I sit that way for a minute, defeated. I look up and scan the room. So many memories. Memories I can no longer bear to be face-to-face with.
My eyes settle on my bag, still packed except for the few things I’ve needed on a daily basis. I stand up with purpose. I begin to collect the few belongings I got around to unpacking. I guess deep down I knew it would end this way. That’s why I didn’t bother unpacking everything.
I write a quick note to my mom explaining that I had to leave and that I’ll call her soon, and then I slip out of the front door. There won’t be a bus out of town for the next few hours, but my mind is made up—I can’t just hang around here. I have to feel like I’m moving, leaving. It’s too painful to stay in this fucking town for even another minute.
GREY
As the door at the bottom of the stairs slams shut, my knees buckle, and I sit back down heavily on the stairs. A hot rush of tears floods my face. I wipe at them angrily, but they keep coming, and I give in and let them come, hoping they can purge me of this pain. I curl up into a ball and wrap myself in the jacket; his jacket.
Holden opened up to me, more than he ever has before, and once again I fucked up. I didn’t think I could forgive him for waiting so long to contact me, but hearing it out loud, how he couldn’t bear to contact me because he thought I would reject him, it made sense.
And what happened to the letters?
I mean, didn’t I do exactly the same thing? I could have called him. Hell, I could have jumped on a bus and gone to his base and demanded to see him. But I didn’t. Because like he said, I was so terrified of being rejected that I couldn’t do it.
Holden’s defense mechanism had been to imagine there was still a chance for us, that somehow we could be together. Mine had been to hate him. To blame him for everything, and yet I was at least partially responsible for us not reconnecting sooner.
But then, instead of telling him any of that, I yelled at him and told him I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me. I didn’t know I was going to say it. I hadn’t even told Cannon that was the truth of it. Until I yelled it at Holden, I don’t even think I’d dared to admit it to myself. I mean sure, I did want Holden to think I had some sort of life, not think that I’d spent the last seven years pining for him. But yeah. It was more than that. It went deeper, to the part of me where my anger had festered into something twisted and ugly.
No wonder he walked away from me. How could he love me after that?
Apparently, he couldn’t. He walked away from me again. The realization that I’ve lost him for good this time brings another flood of tears. I let them come, my body shaking from the sobs. When they die to hitching hiccups, I realize my body is still shaking, this time from the cold of the stairs I’m sitting on.
I drag myself to my feet and scoop up Cannon’s keys. They too are cold, the heat from Holden’s body gone from them. A final heartbreak knowing I will never again feel his warmth.
I go into my apartment and go through the motions of taking my makeup off. I brush my hair out without really being aware of doing it. I’m like a robot, acting on autopilot. I take my dress off and replace it with a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt I wear for bed in the colder months. It’s particularly cold tonight, but I feel cold inside. Empty.
Everything in me is screaming at me to go after Holden, to find him and tell him I’m sorry and that I love him and want to make things right between us. But it’s too late. I hurt him more than he ever hurt me because his hurt was unintentional. I went out of my way to hurt him. And look where that got me. I not only hurt him but could have done much worse to myself going out with Dick, and my heart is breaking not just for me but for Holden. I guess it’s fair to say my plan backfired massively.
I should have listened to Cannon and swallowed my pride and given myself to Holden. He was right. I love him, and I’ll never stop loving him. We were meant to be together forever, and in my heart, we will be.
The word forever triggers a memory in me. A memory of the night before Holden left town. He gave me his class ring, a promise ring. I asked him what he was promising me, and he answered me with one word: forever.
Suddenly, I need that ring. I jump up from the stool in front of my dressing table and begin searching through my drawers, throwing things over my shoulder, digging down to the back of each drawer. My heart thumps when my hand connects with a small, hard box.
I pull it out and look at it like it might vanish at any second. I pull it open and lift the ring out. I look at it for a moment, remembering how good I felt when Holden gave it to me. He made me feel safe, warm, loved. I close my fist around it and press it to my heart.
I slip the ring onto my finger. It is still a perfect fit on the outside, only now, on the inside, we aren’t a perfect fit anymore. We are broken, and the jagged edges scrape together, causing more pain for us both.
But it doesn’t have to be like that. It doesn’t. We could find a way to line up the edges, to fill the holes in each other and make each other complete again.
When Holden gave me his ring and promised me forever, he left the next day and broke me inside. And then he promised me forever again, and I threw it back in his face. Maybe that meant we were beyond saving, or maybe, just maybe, it meant we were even. Maybe it meant we would both have some anger to work through, but that we could come back out on the other side of it, equal, two halves of a whole, and make
this thing work.
I barely dare to allow myself to think that is a possibility, but I have to cling to the one tiny shred of hope we have left. Holden came back for me, and I rejected him, but this time, it’s my turn to go after him. I’ll kiss away the hurt and the pain and fuse us back together as one.
I stand up, ready to fight suddenly. I’m going to go and get my man.
I make it as far as the living room when I realize that’s a bad idea. I know Holden. When he’s hurting, he walks. He spent many nights when we were teens pounding the pavement, working through an emotional issue. I would tell him he should come to me, and we would sneak out together, but he always insisted he needed to be alone at those times. He needed space to work it all out in his own head.
I don’t know if that’s the right way to deal with emotional upset, but it always seemed to work for him. If I went out there looking for him now, I don’t think he’d be ready to talk, and I don’t think I have the strength to do this more than once. Plus, we could both wander the streets all night and not bump into each other.
I sit down on the couch. I’ve waited seven years for Holden. I can wait one more night. I’m going to sit here and wait for daybreak. And then I’m going to go over to Holden’s place and make all this right and get him back.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
HOLDEN
When I arrive at the bus station, I discover I was right; the next bus isn’t due for another couple hours. Seven oh three to be exact. Why am I always right about the shit I want to be wrong about?
I alternate between sitting on a hard bench until my butt cheeks go numb and pacing up and down until my feet ache. By the time I see a lone figure coming toward me, my head is pounding from the lack of sleep, although I don’t feel particularly tired. I feel weary, empty… defeated, but at the same time, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep for a long time. Until I get over Grey. So never then.
My heart sinks further as the lone figure came closer, and I recognize him. My fucking father. Perfect. What the fuck is he doing here? Of everyone I could think of, he is the last person I want here. I mean, what could he possibly want? To wave me goodbye? To tell me not to bother coming back again?
If that’s why he’s here, then he’s in luck because I have no intention of returning. I did everything I could do to get Grey back, and it didn’t work. There is nothing else here for me. I will still make an effort to see my mom; she can come visit and maybe even stay with me in the city, or we can meet halfway and find somewhere to have lunch or something.
“You’re leaving,” my father says as he arrives at my side.
“No shit, Sherlock,” I snap back.
He sits down beside me, ignoring my sarcastic remark.
“What happened, son?” he asks, almost pretending to care.
I ignore his question and instead of answering it, I ask him one of my own. A safe one. One that carries no emotional scars.
“How did you know I was here?”
“I saw the note you left your mom, and I figured seeing as you haven’t gotten around to getting a car yet, this is where you’d be.”
“Is Mom okay?” I ask.
My father nods.
“Yes. She hasn’t seen the note yet.”
“Why not?”
“Because it seemed stupid to break her heart all over again when it’s not going to happen,” he says.
“It is going to happen. And what do you mean, break her heart all over again? It’s not like I had a choice the first time, is it?”
My father shakes his head sadly and looks down at the ground.
“No. And that’s exactly what I mean. Holden, I sent you away because I knew I had to do something, and I genuinely believed joining the military was what you needed. I thought it would show you your potential, and help you to become the man I knew was in there.”
He looks up and meets my eyes, a challenging expression on his face.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” he dares me.
I open my mouth to tell him how wrong he was, but I close it again. I can’t. Because he was right. The military was a huge part of shaping who I am today. There’s no doubt in my mind that without it, I would be behind bars—not a successful surgeon. I can’t find the words to tell him this without letting him off the hook for it all, so I just shake my head.
“I know you hate me for it. And I understand why. Deep down I think you know I only wanted the best for you, but maybe that’s not enough. But your mom. Well, your mom felt pretty much the same way as you did. She kept up a united front because she could hear in your voice when you spoke to her that you were proud to be in the military, and she didn’t want you to walk away from the new life you were building.
“But son, she hated me for a while back there. I really didn’t think we’d get through it some days. She said I sent her only son away, that you were just a kid. She thought we should have tried harder to reach you, found a way to bring you back to the sweet boy you always were growing up.”
“I think I was past that point,” I say honestly.
“Your mom never did understand that, Holden. She was so happy when you came back. She figured she could make up for all of those lost years. She warned me and warned me that I had to fix things with you. I knew it was too late for that, but I thought we had reached an understanding.”
I frown, confused.
“We did. Be civil for Mom’s sake, and keep out of each other’s way,” I agree.
“Right. But here you are, and I honestly don’t know what I did to send you away again, but Holden please, whatever it is, give me another chance. I can’t bear to see your mom so broken again. And this time, our marriage won’t survive it. I know I have no right to ask you for any favors, but I’m asking you all the same. Come home, Son. Let’s fix this.”
“Wait, you think I’m leaving because of you?” I ask, surprised.
His expression matches mine.
“Well, yeah. Why else would you leave in the middle of the night like this without so much as a goodbye?”
His words pierce my heart. I am doing to my mom the exact same thing I did to Grey all those years ago. I push the hurt aside and focus on the conversation.
“It’s not because of you, and I’ll make sure Mom understands that. So, if that’s everything …?”
He looks at me, his face full of raw emotion as I cut him off.
“That’s not everything. It’s not even close. Holden, I don’t get it. You admitted that the military life saved you from yourself. Why are you still so mad at me?”
“Because of her, Dad,” I shout, surprising myself by calling him Dad instead of the more formal Father, the way I’ve thought of him since the moment he sent me away instead of being a dad and trying to reach me. “Because when you sent me away, I lost Grey.”
“You didn’t lose her, Holden. She was as in love with you after you left as she had always been. She came to the house looking for you. I didn’t tell her the whole situation, I figured that was something you would tell her in your own time, but I told her you’d gone to join the military. I asked her what it meant for you guys, and she smiled sadly and told me it meant a long wait and then the best reunion ever. She said she’d be waiting for your call. What on earth did you say to her when you called that you lost her?”
“She was willing to wait for me?” I ask.
He nods.
“I fucked up, Dad. I never called her. And then I spent seven years wishing I could. Seven years blaming you for us losing each other, when the truth was right there in front of me all along. I didn’t lose her because of you. I lost her because of me. Because I was too much of a coward to call her and risk her rejecting me.”
“Oh, Son,” my father says. “You were never a coward. You were young, adjusting to a new life.”
I shrug. It doesn’t matter what I was; it’s just semantics. The end result is the same.
“Do you want to know something? Something not even your mom knows?” he asks me.
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I nod, although I’m not sure I do.
“You hated me for sending you away. Your mom hated me for sending you away. I knew it was the right decision, and I told myself to be strong and do what had to be done. But no one hated me as much as I hated myself when I took you to the base and left you there.”
I feel a lump in my throat at his words. His voice is raw, and I know he’s telling me the truth.
“I always thought you were glad to see my reflection in the rearview mirror as you drove away. I was so much trouble.”
“Never,” my father says. “Not a single day went by when I didn’t consider reaching out to you. But I couldn’t. For pretty much the same reason as you couldn’t reach out to Grey. I guess we’re both too damn stubborn for our own good. Neither of us are exactly the kind to wear our hearts on our sleeves, huh?”
I can’t help but laugh. He pretty much nailed it.
“Listen, Son, I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know if we can ever go back to the way things were between us before you started acting out. But I’d like us to try and have a relationship again. Even if it’s as casual as the odd pint down at the bar every now and again. What do you say, Son? Will you come home and give me a chance to make this right between us?”
“I’d like that,” I say honestly. “I really would. As much as I told myself I hate you and I don’t need you, it’s bullshit. I missed you, Dad.”
He pulls me into an embrace, and I let him hold me. I even hug him back a little. We pull back from the embrace.
“I really would like to work on our relationship. I meant that. But I can’t stay here,” I tell him.
“You can’t?” he asks. “Holden, talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
I sigh and shake my head.
“It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing here for me anymore.”
“You tried to win her back, didn’t you? And I take it that it didn’t go so well?”
What harm can it do to tell him? It’s not like I’ll be back here having to face him every day knowing he knows I failed at the one thing I really wanted to do.
“I did. I went to see her, and she acted like she barely remembered me, but I persevered, and I was starting to get through to her. I explained why I left, why I didn’t say goodbye. And I thought we were going to be okay, you know. We started seeing each other, but she was still dating other guys. I figured if I could just make her remember how good we were together, she’d be mine again.
