People keep saying it could have been a lot worse. Duh. Just ask Jordyn. But, even so, it would be a permanent reminder that nothing ever went right for Olivia.
And nothing lasted forever … except for scars.
Time to go. One last deep breath, and Olivia pulled herself away from the mirror and reached in her closet for her black jacket to go over her charcoal sheath dress. She needed to find Mom and hurry her up.
“Livvie?”
Startled at the sound of a man’s voice in her bedroom, she hurried from her closet, half expecting it to be Charles. But thankfully he’d ignored her since the accident. Olivia peeked into her room then squealed and jumped when she saw who stood there beaming at her. She immediately winced as her sore body reminded her it still wasn’t quite ready for excitement. “Jake! What are you doing here?”
Her big brother pulled her into a tender hug.
She let her head drop onto his comforting chest and soaked in the security only he offered. Olivia held on as though she clung to a life preserver in the middle of a vicious ocean.
“I came as soon as I could get away. I needed to see you—to make sure you’re okay.” He pulled back and looked in her eyes. “You are okay, aren’t you?”
Olivia nodded. “Nothing that won’t heal. Well, except for this.” She pointed to her wound.
“Oh, that’s nothing. What a wimpy scar.” Jake tried to make light of it with his words, but his eyes were sad.
“Yeah right.” Olivia smiled for the first time in days. “You coming to the funeral home with us?” Please.
Jake nodded. “If it’s okay with you.”
“Thanks.” She tapped her fingers on her chin in the sign for thank you and breathed a deep sigh of relief. Jake would get her through the visitation and the funeral that afternoon. He’d be her rock.
“I brought you something. I want you to have it—at least for a while.” Jake dug in the front pocket of his jeans and pulled out a gold ring.
Olivia gasped and reached out a finger to touch it then shrank back like she’d been bitten. “You can’t give Dad’s wedding ring to me.”
“We’re calling it a loan. I think you need it more than I do right now.”
She nodded as she accepted her father’s wedding ring and slipped it onto the chain she wore around her neck, letting it drop under her dress. Placing her hand on her chest, covering the dangling ring, Olivia closed her eyes and drew strength from her father’s eternal promise. “Ready?”
Olivia exhaled a shaky breath and nodded. As ready as she’d ever be. It was time to go.
After a short drive, the trio walked through the front doors of the funeral home and up to the registry book where Mom signed them in and included their address.
Olivia shifted nervously and glanced both ways down a stately hallway. Ghostlike forms milled in and out of doorways. Some nodded at each other as they passed, but no one spoke. Where had they put Jordyn? Would the casket be open? How would she look in death?
Mom gestured at a sign directing them to the room on the right.
Entering the visitation felt like getting in line for a beating. The collective pain of the grieving crowd was like a dark storm cloud overtaking the room. Not a dry eye among the mourners. Did everyone know who she was? Did they blame her for the accident? If they did, they were probably right.
Dozens of people stood queued for their opportunity to approach the open casket. She recognized some teachers and students from school. Bailey and Emma stood huddled in line with their parents. Olivia turned to Jake in a panic and clutched his hand. “Do I have to go up there?”
Jake offered a gentle smile. “You only do what you feel comfortable doing. Maybe it’ll get easier in a little while.” He scanned the room. “Which ones are her parents?”
Olivia located Jordyn’s mom lying on a sofa. “She’s over there on the couch. Is she asleep?” Olivia squinted and peered closer.
A plump gray-haired woman with a tissue tucked into the neckline of her black dress leaned in with a whisper. “Penny was having a horrible time of it, and they had to give her something to take the edge off. Jordyn was her only child, you know. She’s sleeping off the effects of the medication.” The woman shook her head and dabbed her bloodshot eyes. “Unthinkable what she must be going through.”
“Thanks,” Olivia mumbled as Mom steered them to three seats in the middle of the room. Mom had told her people didn’t always wear black to funerals anymore, but it seemed like everyone had to this one. Olivia watched as person after person approached the casket and leaned over to say a prayer, touch Jordyn’s hand, or, in some cases, kiss her cheek.
What would it have looked like if it had been Olivia in that casket? Whose faces would have peered down at her? Mom. Jake. Jodie and Pastor Tom. Jordyn. Kids from school. Some teachers. Charles? Maybe, but he hadn’t come to the hospital—not that she’d wanted him to—but who knew if he’d even bother coming to her funeral?
Daddy. She’d always known he’d never be at her graduation or her wedding—but it never dawned on her that he wouldn’t be at her funeral either. If she’d died instead of Jordyn, she’d be with Daddy already. Would he be sad to see her, knowing it meant she was dead? She sure didn’t want to go be with him under circumstances like these had been. She wanted to make him proud, live a long life, give him grandbabies to love from heaven.
Was Daddy disappointed with her choices and the way her life was going? He had to be—that is, if God let him see the bad stuff. That’s if there was even a God. Did Olivia even deserve to go to heaven? Would God let her in? She shuddered at the chilling thought that she might not make it—if there even was a heaven. But there had to be, because if there wasn’t, that meant Daddy was gone forever. Jordyn, too. Impossible.
Maybe the time had come…. Time to make some changes.
She’d already pretty much told Jodie she’d go to Diamond Estates. Even though Olivia’s reply had been weak blinks from a hospital bed, Jodie seemed to have gotten the message. Maybe that place could help her get it together and find some answers to the questions she’d been asking for so long. Maybe it was the right thing to do. In Jordyn’s honor. In Daddy’s honor.
How would she tell Mom? Not like Mom would fight it or anything—she’d probably help her pack. What if Charles said no? He might not want to let her out of his sight. Well, if he said no, she’d just run away to Diamond Estates anyway—if they’d have her. If they wouldn’t, she’d just have to disappear. Her life depended on it … in more ways than one.
Toward the end of the visitation, when the line died down, Olivia gathered her nerve. She stood up, smoothed her dress, and sucked in a rattly breath.
Jake slipped his hand into hers and shifted in his seat as if he planned to rise and accompany her to view Jordyn’s body.
Olivia pressed his hand and shook her head. “I need to do this alone,” she signed.
He nodded and rested back in his chair.
New Louboutin pumps slipping on the carpet, Olivia made her way to the front. Up close, the figure in the casket resembled Jordyn, only … not. Like one of those cheesy wax-figure renditions they made of celebrities. A caricature only reminiscent of the beauty she had once been.
It occurred to Olivia that she’d never seen Jordyn with her blond hair loose and flowy like that. It was always braided or tied back in a ponytail. Olivia reached out to touch her friend’s hand then reeled back as the feel of Jordyn’s icy skin shocked her. There was no life there. It wasn’t gross or weird. It just wasn’t anything.
Olivia remembered seeing her daddy lie like that. Then Mom had taken her out while they closed the casket. Over the years, she’d been so resentful toward her mother for that choice. Still hated her for it. Olivia’s breath caught as she realized her mom had been right to do it. To have a memory of her daddy like the sight she saw before her was bad enough. But to see the casket close on him—Olivia shuddered. Letting a seven-year-old see such a thing would have been cruel. Wow. Mom had
been right.
Olivia felt movement near her arm. She turned her sore neck just enough to see Jordyn’s mom out of the corner of her eye. Olivia took a single step toward the haggard woman and became enveloped in a hug. “I’m so sorry.” Olivia sobbed on the shoulder of a woman she’d met only one other time. A shattered woman who faced the unimaginable task of burying her teenage daughter that very day.
“Jordyn thought you were very special, Olivia.” Penny didn’t look her in the eye. “She wanted to be just like you.”
“She wanted to be like me?” Jordyn was the cool one. She had it all together.
Penny nodded. “She saw something in you. Please promise me you’ll honor her memory by doing something great with your life. Something greater than this.” She gestured to her lifeless daughter. Penny’s knees began to buckle, and she reached out for support. Her ex-husband stepped in and offered his arm.
He turned to Olivia. “I guess I thought you girls were smarter than this.”
Olivia nodded and gulped back her sobs.
The funeral director asked everyone to leave the room so the family could have a few moments alone with Jordyn before the service started.
Olivia, Mom, and Jake left the room as the director pulled the door shut.
“This is when they close the casket, isn’t it?” Olivia whispered.
Mom nodded, her lip quivering.
At that exact moment, Jordyn’s parents were behind the closed doors looking at their daughter for the last time ever on earth. Parents didn’t lay their children in the ground—it was meant to be the other way around. It seemed so unnatural and wrong. Final. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Weren’t teenagers invincible?
A few minutes passed before the doors swung open again. The guests were directed back to the seats in the center of the room, in front of the eternally closed coffin.
Penny’s head rested on her ex-husband’s chest. The trembling of her shoulders was visible from even five rows back where Olivia looked on.
The minister droned. His words blended into one long buzz in Olivia’s ears. She just couldn’t get past the reality that Jordyn wouldn’t get a do-over. A stupid decision. One drunken car ride cost her the rest of her life.
The permanence of it resonated in Olivia’s soul. She could have been the one in that casket.
Next time, she probably would be.
Chapter 13
On the way home from the funeral, Olivia broke the silence with her news. “Mom. I’ve made a decision.” She took a deep breath and then let the words tumble out in one long blurb. “IwanttogotoDiamondEstates.”
Mom’s gaze darted to the rearview mirror and fixed on Olivia. Understanding flickered in her eyes as the words sank in.
Jake’s eyebrows furrowed, and he turned to look at Olivia in the backseat, his eyes full of questions.
“When did you decide this?” Mom’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel.
“Pretty much in the hospital. Jodie and I talked about it, but I had to think things through before I made up my mind.” Olivia straightened her back and nodded. “Now I’m sure it’s the right thing. It’s what I want to do.”
“I think it might be the best move, too. I mean, I’ll hate to see you leave—especially now. But the alternative we saw today doesn’t appeal very much either.” Mom’s shoulders dropped a couple of inches as she exhaled. “I’ll be honest; I’m relieved.”
Easier than Olivia had expected it to be, but what would Charles say? “Mom, if it’s okay, I’d like for us to make all of the arrangements before we tell Charles about any of this.”
Mom pursed her lips and shook her head. “I don’t like that at all. It’s really not fair to him to decide something so important without involving him.”
Not fair to him? What about fair to me? Deep breath. “I’m positive that if we phrase it to Charles like it’s an option, like he has a say in the decision, he will say no.”
“Hmm.” Mom drummed her fingernails on the steering wheel and chewed her lip. At least she seemed to be listening for once.
Jake watched the volley of conversation without jumping in.
“But if we stand up to him and tell him how it’s going to be, at least I have a chance.” Olivia waited for an answer. Her whole future depended on this.
Jake cleared his throat. “I have to agree with Liv on this one, Mom. I’m not exactly sure what he’ll say, but I do know Charles—he won’t make this easy.”
“Okay.” Mom didn’t sound convinced. “He’s not going to like it one bit. But we’ll try it your way.”
“Diamond Estates, this is Ben Bradley. Can I help you?”
He answered his own phone? “Mr. Bradley? Ben? This is Olivia Mansfield. I visited about a month ago. I’m not sure if you remem–”
“Olivia! How wonderful to hear from you. Of course I remember you.” Ben’s voice sounded warm and welcoming. Good sign. “In fact, we just prayed for you in our staff prayer time this morning.”
“Thank you.” I think.
“What can I do for you?”
“Well, if it’s still possible … I mean, if there’s still room …” The words stuck like a lump in her throat. At the last minute, she’d gotten nervous and wanted Mom to make the phone call for her, but Mom thought it would mean more coming directly from Olivia—proof that it was what she wanted. But how could she come right out and say it?
“Yes, Olivia?” Ben obviously had no intention of making it easy for her.
Olivia drew a shaky breath. “I’m ready.”
“That’s all I needed to hear. How soon can you get here?” Ben’s tone grew more serious as he got down to business.
“Is Monday okay?” That would give her five days to pack and say good-bye to her friends.
“It’s okay, if it’s the soonest you can arrange. But these next few days before you arrive are going to be tougher on you than you realize. You should get here as soon as possible—I’d think Friday would be doable.”
“I could probably arrange that. I’m not going to be sad about leaving or anything though—if that’s what you’re worried about.” Scared, maybe, but not sad. “It’s not like I’m going to change my mind.”
“Let’s shoot for Friday—you can call me later today when you’ve made the arrangements. I’d also like to speak with you tomorrow. Be aware, there are evil forces at work that want you to fail. You’ve declared you’re seeking change, but you aren’t equipped yet with the tools to stand up in the face of temptation and peer pressure. This is a very vulnerable time.”
“There won’t be any peer pressure—my best friend is dead.”
How do I pack up my whole life when it all belongs to someone else? Olivia stowed many of her favorite things—jeans, casual tops, yoga pants, and running shoes—in two large Louis Vuitton suitcases. One matching hanging bag held some dressier items that Mom made her pack. No way she’d need them in a house full of teenage girls, but there was no convincing her mother. She’d use her backpack as a carry-on, but she’d wait until the next day to fill it with books, snacks, her laptop, and her iPod, since her flight wasn’t until noon.
Olivia stuffed three extra-large trash bags with the rest of her designer wardrobe, which she stacked in the corner of her closet and marked for charity. She hoped Norma would find them and take care of the donation before Charles noticed them. He refused to give his things to people who, as he said, couldn’t bother getting a job. But Olivia had no use for them anymore. She had no intention of returning to Charles’s house. Ever. No matter what. In fact, if she could manage it, she’d leave the next day without even saying good-bye to him.
Did he even know she was leaving yet? Mom had said she would tell him last night, but Olivia hadn’t heard any screaming or crashing of lamps against the wall. She’d probably chickened out—which might be for the best since Mom had plans to be out for a few hours tonight. Charles wasn’t home either—Olivia hoped that didn’t change before Mom got home. She only had to g
et through one more night, and she’d be free of Chuck forever. Except in her memories.
With nothing left to pack, Olivia decided to treat it like Christmas Eve—go to bed to hurry morning’s arrival. Plus the sooner she slept, the less time she’d have to worry about things she couldn’t change, like where Charles was and when he’d be home.
As she nuzzled her face deep into her fluffy pillow, it occurred to her that she had no one left to say good-bye to. Jordyn was gone. Bailey and Tara hadn’t spoken to her since before the funeral. Her childhood friends had long since been abandoned when she chose her all-new lifestyle and new friends. Jodie had already come by earlier that day—at least someone cared.
What was she doing? Was she really packing up and moving out the very next morning? Olivia squirmed in her bed, the sheets tangled around her feet. Maybe she should rethink things. This was such a severe reaction to some normal life events, natural consequences, and experimental teen choices. She wasn’t bad enough to need a treatment facility—a group home.
Wait! Those thoughts were exactly what Ben warned her to watch for. Olivia remembered his exact words during their most recent phone call that morning: “Thoughts and doubts will assail your mind, trying to convince you that you’re right and everyone else is wrong. They’ll tell you that you don’t need a place like this. Just remember what to watch out for, and be intentional about shutting those voices down before they wreak havoc on your resolve. “
Olivia flopped over onto her back and covered her face with a pillow. It didn’t stop the doubts thundering in her ears, but it made her feel stronger and safer from them while she drifted off to sleep.
CRASH!
Olivia’s eyes flew open, and she scurried off her bed toward the window. The sheet was twisted around one foot, and she fell flat to the floor. She shook her leg and pulled at the sheet until her foot came free then scrambled to the window to see what the noise had been.
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