Hmm. That actually made sense. Didn’t change anything though. “But he’s already won.” Olivia gestured to the pile on the desk.
“No. His victory only occurs if he turns your heart from seeking God. He doesn’t care a bit about that oboe. He wants you.” Ben held her gaze. “Don’t let him win, Olivia. He’s trying to beat you down with this oboe. The Lord will win if you trust Him.”
Transfixed, Olivia nodded. What Ben said really rang true. At least it was some kind of explanation. “Okay. Then what do I do?” Why couldn’t Mom have married someone like Ben?
“You fight.”
Olivia nodded. “I fight.”
“Yes, but Olivia, your fight isn’t against an enemy in this house. It’s not against the person who did this.” He gestured at the desktop. “Or who sent me that text message earlier today. It’s not against your stepfather, or the person driving the car that killed your daddy. It’s not against your mom. Most of all, Olivia, your fight is not against yourself.”
Olivia stared at Ben’s eyes—not blinking, not moving a muscle, afraid she was about to get the answer to her search and any movement would break the spell of the moment. “Who, then? Who do I fight?” Tell me. Please tell me.
“You fight the lies.”
“The lies?”
“The lies that tell you you aren’t good enough. The lies that tell you you’re at fault. The lies that keep you from opening up to us about your pain. The lies that keep you from turning your heart over and trusting Jesus.” Ben looked deep into Olivia’s eyes. “Those lies. Face them so you can fight them.”
Olivia nodded slowly. He’s right.
“Are you ready to do the hard work?”
“Yes.” Whatever it took.
Ben looked at Tammy, all business again. “This is it. This is the week. She’s ready.”
Tammy nodded. “I’m ready, too.” She smiled softly at Olivia. “But Ben, what about …?” Tammy gestured to the oboe.
“No problem. God will work that out.”
“But if I can’t do my solo, I need to let Mr. Gables know.”
Ben put his hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “God will work it out. Do you trust Him?”
Did she? Olivia had no idea. She pressed her lips together in a tight line and shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Do this for me. Say, ‘I trust You, Lord,’ whether you mean it or not, at least once an hour until you see His answer. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try.” Sounded like a kooky idea to Olivia. But nothing else had worked. She might as well give it a shot.
“Good enough.” Ben grinned, his eyes sparkling. “This is my favorite part. This is when God moves—big-time.” He spun on his heels and left in a flurry.
“I. Trust. You. Lord.” Olivia let the words form a cadence as she ran on the treadmill, thankful to have beaten Kira to the machine. Only three hours had passed since she found her destroyed oboe. Six hours since the confrontation with Kira and Ben about the cigarettes. Nine hours since the performance at church. How could nine hours feel like a lifetime had passed? She let Ben’s words wash over her thoughts and tried to stay focused on the fight. He’d been so right about that. She had been held back by lies.
“I. Trust. You. Lord.” Did she? Maybe this was how it started. What did they call that? A step of blind faith? That’s definitely what it was. Blind faith. Trusting Someone who’d seemingly never helped her before.
“I. Trust. You. Lord.” Ben had said once an hour. But more often couldn’t hurt, right?
“Oliiivia. Seems like you’re really trying to get somewhere on that treadmill. When you figure out your destination, send us a postcard.”
Kira. Olivia continued at her same pace with her face forward. She wasn’t going to let Kira get the best of her.
“You did such a wonderful job today. It was simply beautiful.” She turned to walk away then turned back with a snide grin. “Oh, and thanks for teaching my boyfriend how to do that sign language. He’s never looked hotter to me.”
Her boyfriend? Olivia’s face must have registered the shock she felt.
“Yeah. Didn’t you hear? Justin and I are back together. Isn’t that great?” Kira’s syrup slithered over her tongue. “In fact, he said he almost had a little crush on you, but the cigarettes and that horrid scar were just too much for him to take.” Kira turned and bounced away, flinging her blond ponytail over her shoulder.
“I. Trust. You. Lord.”
Olivia’s pace slowed. Could Kira be telling the truth? Was Justin still interested in her? Olivia was pretty sure Kira was lying. But what if Justin really did find Olivia’s scar hideous? Her fingertips crept to her cheek. She felt the raised jagged line. Hardly visible from the front, but from the side—that was another story. What if he had been doing all of this because he felt sorry for her? Oh no. What if he was simply following orders from his dad?
Olivia gasped as she remembered Justin’s words from their first meeting. “It’s just more of the same. Girls come and go…. Every girl here knows it’s only temporary. Dating like that makes no sense to me. “
Who was she kidding? Justin was too smart to get involved with someone like her. And her scar was hideous. Another reason for someone not to love her.
Did she even stand a chance at love … ever?
Chapter 29
It’s time to talk about Charles.” Tammy closed the door to her office, sat down in her chair, and waited. What did Tammy want from her? Olivia wasn’t about to spill out the details as casually as telling a joke or chatting about the weather. It wasn’t as easy to spew out the raw truths as Tammy seemed to think it should be. Olivia couldn’t turn her horror on and off like flipping a light switch. With her arms crossed over her chest, she held Tammy’s gaze. “Tell me.” Tammy leaned forward. “Tell you what?” Olivia didn’t want to have this conversation—not now, not ever. But Ben had said she needed to face it in order to fight it. Sigh.
“Tell me what happened so I can help you,” Tammy coaxed with a gentle tone, but she gave no sign of backing down.
“What happened?” Olivia pointed to her head and banged her fists together then pointed to herself. “Trust me. You don’t want to know what happened. But fine.” She poked her thumb into her chest. “I’ll tell you.” She took a deep breath and pushed the words out like water surging through a broken dam before she had second thoughts and stopped them. “My stepfather molested me from the time I was twelve until just a few months ago. There. You happy?”
“Happy? Nowhere near.” Tammy sighed and pressed on her eyes.
Olivia blew out her breath like a deflating balloon. She had thought the world would feel different to her once that information floated out on the airwaves, but it didn’t. Ju-Ju knew and now Tammy did, but Olivia’s reality remained the same, and voicing it didn’t erase it or change it in the slightest. But, she had to admit, it did free her in a way. She no longer carried it alone, and that was a strangely comforting realization. But now what?
“How often?” Tammy only signed her words as though she didn’t trust her voice.
Was that a quiver in her lower lip? “Total?” Olivia brought her fingertips together in front of her body.
Tammy nodded.
“Sixteen times.”
“Olivia, you need Jesus.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. He just doesn’t seem very interested in me.”
Tammy drew back like she’d been slapped. “What do you mean?”
“Let’s see, where do I even start? He let my dad die in front of me even though He could have stopped it. He let my mom marry Chuck. He let Chuck abuse me for years. He let my friend die in yet another car accident I was in. I either did some royal damage in a past life or He just gets His jollies out of watching me suffer. Or—and I’m sincerely considering this possibility—He simply doesn’t exist.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Tammy shook her head. “You’ve got it all wrong. It’s like Ben said. God didn’t let your dad die;
He held you through the pain of the unthinkable. He didn’t let your mom marry Charles or let Charles abuse you; He held you up in the face of the darkest evil in the world. He didn’t let Jordyn die to make you suffer; rather, He kept His hand on you in the light of the natural consequences of her actions. Do you see?”
Olivia listened intently. Could Tammy be right? “If He’s there, why don’t I feel His presence?” She scooped her open palms up into the air. Presence. Then she signed an unspoken word by touching her fingertip to her forehead and pressing her fist outward. Ever.
“But you do, Liv.” Tammy smiled. “Remember when you told me how you knew deep in your heart that you had to come here?”
Olivia nodded.
“That was the voice of the Holy Spirit. Um … remember when Mr. Gables showed up here from the fine arts school?”
“Yeah?” What did that have to do with God?
“It was a total coincidence he came here that day. No one invited him. He popped in unannounced and uninvited. He’s a big financial supporter of Diamond Estates, and he’s always welcome here for a visit … but he’s never just popped in like that before. And the one day he did, it happened to be at the exact time you were playing. And he happened to be in desperate need of an oboist.”
Hmm.
“Listen. You have these big things in your life. They’re like benchmarks of pain so when you look back, you see only those glaring reminders sticking up like skyscrapers on the horizon behind you. But you’re missing all the beauty beneath them.”
Go on. Please. Tell me about the beauty.
“You’re a loving, amazingly talented girl with a heart of gold. You have a brother you’ve cherished and given your time and attention to. You helped him become the man he is. And your dad, whether you can see it yet or not, he lives on in you. All of the wonderful things about him, the things you shared together, are a part of you. You are his legacy.”
Some legacy. “But wow—I’m not honoring his memory, am I? By living in the past, in guilt, in fear … I’m just making it all a big waste.”
“Right. I’m not going to say that bad things haven’t happened to you. You’ve sure had more than what would seem like your share. But you see, God has kept His hand on you, guided you and girded you with strength through all the junk life has thrown your way.” Tammy grew animated and signed every other word. “Now, in His timing, He’s about to restore some of what the locusts have eaten.”
“Huh? Locusts?”
“It’s in the Bible. God wants to give you back what your enemy stole from you. You just need to surrender to Him. And then, once He’s healed you from the inside, He can work through you.”
Olivia nodded. The walls seemed to inch closer and closer until she felt like she might suffocate. “Would it be possible to have permission to go for a walk? I won’t go far. I just need some air and the chance to think some things through.”
“You bet. Make sure you take a walkie-talkie.” Tammy smiled. “Take as long as you need.”
Olivia smiled as she closed the door to Tammy’s office. There wasn’t a doubt in Olivia’s mind that Tammy was on her computer at that very moment, instant messaging the staff to appear at an emergency prayer meeting for Olivia’s soul.
It was time.
I trust You, Lord.
The pine needles crunched beneath her feet like the chant of the monks who had paced the forest two hundred years before on their own quest for the Almighty. Her search was different, but it was her own.
“Lord? You said You’d be here for me when I called for You. Are You there?”
Olivia fell to her knees on the blanket of evergreen needles. She clutched her hands to her heart. “I can’t do this alone anymore, Lord. I need You.”
You’ve never been alone, My child. You’ve only needed to reach out to find Me.
She fell flat, barely noticing the needles that prickled her cheeks. “Then why? Why?” She pounded her fists into the frozen earth. “Why—if You’ve been there all along—did You let all that stuff happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve it?”
The earth grew damp as her warm tears melted the snow. Why didn’t God defend Himself? Why couldn’t He just answer her one question: Why?
Olivia drew herself to her elbows and glanced around the forest. The fog in her thoughts began to clear as the answer became clear. Jesus, as her Savior, never promised to keep her from pain; He’d promised to hold her through it. The pain might have been inevitable, but her loneliness and misery—those were optional.
“How did things go for you on your walk yesterday?” Tammy closed her door as Olivia stepped into the office for an unscheduled counseling session.
“Pretty good. Me and God? Well, let’s just say we’re getting some things worked out,” Olivia signed as she took her usual seat. “I wish I wasn’t so analytical and could just take things by faith. I was out there for a long time. But I kind of feel like He wanted me to know that He made me exactly like He wanted me. Now I guess I’m supposed to trust Him and watch Him do His thing.”
“You feel like He spoke all of those things to you?” Tammy leaned forward.
“I think so. No. I know He did.” Olivia stood up to pace but made sure to let Tammy see her face when she spoke. “I don’t know how to be sure that I’m—quote, unquote—’a Christian.’ But I do know He promised that He’s working on me and that He’s never left my side.”
“Well, Liv, ‘Christian’ simply means ‘Christ follower.’ The Bible says if you confess your sins—if you admit you need God’s grace—then He is always faithful to forgive your sins and make you clean and righteous before Him.”
Olivia pressed her lips together and nodded slowly. “Yeah, I did that yesterday. I told God I needed Him and that I was sorry for doubting Him and being angry with Him. I told Him I couldn’t do it on my own.”
“That’s it, Liv. That’s what it means to surrender yourself to Him. Now you have to walk in faith, believing you’re forgiven, and watch for God’s hand in your life.”
Olivia shook her head. “I was making it way too difficult, wasn’t I?”
Tammy nodded. “Yes, you were.”
“There wasn’t ever going to be lightning bolts or earthquakes, was there?”
“Usually not. Usually God calls out to us with a quiet voice.”
Olivia let the truths sink in. They rang true in her heart. She knew she’d met Jesus even though she didn’t feel very different.
“Now, unless you have other questions about this subject, I want to get back to what we spoke about yesterday—because this is all wrapped up together. It’s all part of your ultimate healing.”
“Okay. I figured that was coming.” Olivia had thought of nothing else since their talk.
Tammy leaned forward and grasped Olivia’s hands. “I really, really think we need to involve your mom in this. She needs to know.”
Olivia whipped her head side to side. “No way. I’ve tried so many times to tell her. It’s like she knows what I’m going to say and refuses to hear it. I’m done trying.”
“Can I approach her about it? You don’t even have to be a part of the conversation.”
Now, that idea had merit. Even if Mom didn’t believe Tammy, at least Tammy would get a good feel for what Olivia had been dealing with. She nodded. “I think that might be okay.” Scary, but better than having to do it herself.
“All right. I’m going to get a few more details from you; then I’ll set up a call with your mom. Let’s see—” She consulted her calendar. “We’re scheduled to have a counseling call with her this coming Friday. I’ll make sure your mom and I speak before then so the three of us can talk together on Friday.”
Olivia gulped. “Can you let me know when you’re going to do it and then fill me in right after?” The thought of wondering all day, every day until Friday was too much to bear.
“I’ll keep you informed every step of the way.” Tammy pulled Olivia in for a hug. “After we get things ironed o
ut with your mom, we’ll know what to do about the legal issues.”
“Legal issues?” Wait. She didn’t think Olivia was going to press charges and fight Charles in court about this. Did she? How could Tammy expect Olivia to face him ever again?
“You’ll definitely have some choices to make about whether you want him walking the streets or not.”
How can I be expected to make a decision like that?
Chapter 30
The room was bustling with activity when Olivia returned. A fully dressed Skye climbed across her bed, trying to smooth the covers. Ju-Ju applied a little makeup at the mirror in the corner. They were almost ready to go to prayer. Olivia had better hurry. No time for a shower.
She opened the bathroom door, expecting to see Tricia preening at the mirror, but the room was empty. Water streamed from the showerhead, but there were no sounds of movement on the creaky floor. Olivia stepped over to the cubicle and called out Tricia’s name as she peered behind the partition.
Olivia screamed.
Tricia lay in a crumpled heap on the shower floor in a puddle of watery vomit.
“Help me! Someone!” Olivia shouted toward the door as she slid the glass door open and flipped off the running water. She tugged on Tricia’s hands to pull her out, but Olivia’s bare feet slipped on the wet surface. She landed on her back beside Tricia, her hair mopping up water and vomit. Finally, reaching under Tricia’s arms, Olivia pulled her out and let the limp body flop onto the rug. Olivia gasped as she surveyed Tricia’s naked, skeletal body. Her hip bones jutted out like arrows. How had that happened?
Was she breathing? Olivia watched closely until she saw Tricia’s chest rise and fall in a shallow breath. Olivia threw a bath towel over her nude body and slid to the door. “You guys. Someone. Go in the hallway and pull the fire alarm right now.” Skye gasped and sprinted away.
Ju-Ju ran into the bathroom and locked eyes with Olivia. “Is she alive?”
“Barely.”
Wishing Pearl Page 26
