by Primula Bond
‘This is not goodbye. You will always have Naples and this picture of you.’ He wiped tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.
‘Why don’t you visit me in England?’
‘Even if I could, it may be a very long time before I come.’
I knew deep down it was the brush-off, but it was me who had given myself to him the night before.
‘You’re welcome to stay with me. I would love that,’ I said, looking away from his eyes so I could straighten his shirt collar.
Antonio clasped my hands and held them to his chest. ‘We will probably never see each other again. Just tell me that you are happier with yourself.’ He kissed me. ‘That is the reason you came here, so does it matter how you found the answer?’
I looked away as he stroked stray curls from my face. ‘I suppose it doesn’t, but …’
‘You don’t need me, Stella. You need somebody like Tom. And you will find that man now you feel good about yourself. The answer was always locked away inside here,’ he said, and placed his palm over my heart. ‘The answer was always there, but you lost sight of who and what you really are … a passionate woman.’
Everything he said made perfect sense to me, but his words couldn’t anaesthetise the ache that I felt by letting him go. ‘Antonio, it would be good to see you again, and if you ever come to England …’
‘Stella,’ he said, gripping both my hands, ‘I know you hurt right now, but you will find the person who will love you so much more than I can. Just be true to yourself and let your beauty shine.’ He kissed my forehead. ‘You and I have to go home. I will always think of you.’
With ease and graceful poise, I wrapped my arms around Antonio’s waist. As we stood together, bodies touching, I kissed his lips lightly and drew my head back. ‘Arrivederci, Antonio.’
I picked up my clutch and strolled from his suite. I wanted to keep the image of his smile etched into my memory forever. Despite my determination not to look back, I couldn’t resist one last glance. Antonio stood by the bureau, hands in his pockets, the sun behind his head, making him look like an icon. For a brief moment, his face was in darkness. He raised a hand to wave goodbye. On the stairwell, tears flowed down my cheeks, but within I felt as free as a bird that hovered high on thermal currents.
Chapter Nine
Dawn placed three cups of coffee on the dining table as Mark riffled through my photographs. Maddy and Tasha sat opposite, huddled over their iPhones, totally disinterested in my holiday.
‘So tell us what happened. You look like you had a great time.’ There was a playful and childish twinkle in Dawn’s eyes, goading me to tell all.
I knew she’d notice the difference. What should I say? Oh God … this was embarrassing. ‘I had a great time. I visited all the museums that I always wanted to see. I took some photographs for study … and as from yesterday, I’ve enrolled for a sculpture class.’
‘Good for you,’ said Mark, without lifting his head from the pictures. ‘Who’s the man in the picture?’
‘That’s Antonio. We met at the museum. He’s a photographer and artist.’
‘Is that the guy I spoke to on your phone?’ Dawn chipped in. ‘Mmm, he’s drop-dead gorgeous.’ She opened her eyes wide and wolf-whistled.
‘That’s the one.’
‘You look so different … really happy for once. It’s good to see.’
‘Perhaps she had a holiday romance … C’mon, tell us. Who was he, Stella?’ Mark flinched as Dawn slapped his hand. Maddy looked up from her phone, a stare that could melt the polar ice caps etched on her face.
Just say it, I told myself. What does it matter? As long as I’m happy … that’s all that counts. ‘Well, I did meet somebody and we had a fabulous time.’
‘I knew it. I said that, didn’t I, Mark?’ Dawn winked at Mark and gloated.
‘Yes, she did.’ Mark looked over at me and rolled his eyes in mock exasperation that he’d been outdone again.
‘Stop taking the mickey. So who is he? A tall, dark, handsome stranger …’
‘Not quite … Tall and dark, yes, but he was just a one night-stand.’ Mark backtracked through the photographs until he held up the picture of Antonio. ‘Yes.’ I lowered my head. I had to keep taking deep breaths. Maddy was going to explode any moment. She glared at me, her eyes like lasers threatening to burn holes in my skull.
‘He’s good-looking … I’ll certainly give you that. You don’t mess around, do you?’
Nice try Mark, I thought, but your humour isn’t going to stop her!
‘Mum!’ Maddy slammed her hand on the table. Her eyes narrowed and the redness in her cheeks made her look as if she’d just stepped out of a sauna. I kept my cool and looked her in the eye. There was nothing for me to be ashamed of. Antonio had taught me that much, and I wasn’t going back to what I’d been before Naples.
‘How could you?’ Maddy snapped.
‘Maddy? It’s your mother’s life. She’s free …’ Mark said, and turned his palms upward in the air.
‘She’s my mum. Christ!’ Maddy’s face contorted and reddened as she turned to me. ‘You had sex with a complete stranger. What were you bloody thinking of? You could have caught something.’
Our eyes locked across the table, but however difficult I found the moment, she wasn’t going to beat me. I felt alive for once instead of the downtrodden doormat of a mother and widow who had left for Italy. The repressed Stella had surfaced, and as sure as night followed day, I was never going back to my previous life. Maddy would have to deal with it.
‘Maddy, I never set out to meet anyone … it just happened. And not that it’s any of your business, but I took precautions.’
‘Bloody hell, Mum, what were you thinking of?’
‘My happiness, for once. I’ve been married, raised a daughter, and been widowed. Am I entitled to a little bit of happiness while I’m still young enough to enjoy it? It’s time to think of myself now.’ I passed my hand across the table, but Maddy folded her arms petulantly.
‘Good for you.’ Mark patted my hand. ‘Whatever makes you happy.’
‘Jesus Christ!’ Maddy slapped her palm hard upon the table again, rattling the cups and saucers. ‘This is too much.’ Her chair scraped against the floor as she made to flee from the dining room. I stood to go after her, but Mark held my arm and shook his head.
‘You’re my daughter!’ I yelled at her. ‘Show some respect. I deserve some happiness too. Just because I’m a widow, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.’
The air space between us closed, Maddy reacting like a dog on a leash. ‘A one-night bloody stand. You must have been desperate!’
The sharp slap echoed in the kitchen. As soon as Maddy held her cheek, I knew I’d overreacted. Her eyes widened, unable to comprehend that I’d hit her. Throughout the difficult years since Tom had died, I’d remained the passive mother, cowed and tearful, unable to cope with her violent mood swings. But at that moment, she had forced my hand. I looked at my shaking, reddened palm and then at Maddy, who stormed from the kitchen, knocking the chair over as she flew past me. Of course I wanted to follow her, but Mark restrained my arm. Tasha calmly followed after her, a look of disgust on her face.
‘Leave her, Stella,’ Dawn whispered. ‘It’s a shock, but for what it’s worth … good for you. You deserve some happiness,’ she said, and kissed my cheek. ‘Do you want to go after her, Mark?’
‘Sure.’ Mark gave my arm a gentle squeeze before leaving the room.
‘Thanks, Mark.’ I sank into the dining chair and held my head in my trembling hands. ‘I knew it would be hard news for her.’ We sat in silence, just staring into the steam rising from the coffee mugs. ‘Why shouldn’t I be happy? It’s been bloody hard these past two years. Everywhere I look, somebody has a partner and I’m all alone.’ I glanced at Dawn, who smiled at me reassuringly.
‘Perhaps it’s just hard for her to think of her mum doing that kind of thing. But if it’s any consolation, as long as you enjoyed it
and you’re happy, then it’s not our business.’ She patted my hand and squeezed it gently.
‘He was lovely … he made me feel alive again.’
‘She’s going to need time to adjust. I’ll go and chat with her. You know what she’s like; all bark and no bite. When she realises she’s acting like a brat, she’ll come down and say sorry.’ Dawn stood up and patted my shoulder. ‘I’ll see if she’s picked up her rattle yet!’
‘Thanks. It’ll be easier from you.’
‘No worries.’ The sound of her boots on the tiled floor pounded in time with my heartbeat. From the doorway, Dawn shouted, ‘You’d better pour yourself another coffee. This may take some time.’ I heard her take a sharp breath, as we’d all learnt to do before facing one of Maddy’s “moments”.
Outside, a summer shower had soaked the garden decking and patio slabs. Sunlight peeped between grey clouds, a brief respite before another storm. I walked out through the French windows and into the garden. In the tree at the far end of the lawn, two doves perched in the birch tree, from where soft coos broke the awful silence. None of this matters, I reminded myself. It’s what I need that counts.
Raindrops cloaked the roses, and their heady scent filled the air. I leant closer, cupping a rose between my fingers, wishing that I were back in Naples and smelling the aftershave on Antonio’s throat. Dawn’s voice couldn’t be heard at the bottom of the garden, but I heard Maddy scream, ‘How could she do that?’
It was easy, Maddy, I wanted to tell her. I couldn’t help it and I wanted to. You have no idea how strong the desire is to be touched again.
Maddy had mellowed a little in the last year. It seemed she’d finally come to terms with losing her Dad, but all of her teenage hormones and tantrums were directed at me. There used to be a time when the aftermath of an argument would last at least two weeks, but Dawn and Mark had always been a calming influence on her temper.
I approached the house, heartbeat racing. The sun had disappeared behind a thick band of grey cloud that filled the sky as far as I could see, and yet my temperature rose. Prickly heat covered my neck and face and even the brisk, post-shower wind failed to cool me down. You have to face her, I told myself. This is the start of the rest of your life. Just breathe. Calm yourself.
Dawn stood on the patio and fumbled with her cigarettes. A plume of smoke drifted into the air as she let her shoulders slope. Seeing me, she rolled her eyes and scratched the back of her neck. ‘She’s a wild one. As much as I love her, she does my bloody head in sometimes.’
‘She’s all yours … if you want her?’
She laughed. ‘I don’t know how you do it. You must be a bloody saint. She’ll be down in a minute; she’s just getting herself together. Mark’s done the dirty work.’
‘Thanks, Dawn. He’s sweet. I feel so dry … I’ll have another coffee while I wait.’
‘Sure.’
From upstairs, the banging and stomping subsided. Mark entered the kitchen, standing with hands in pockets, ready for the next instalment in this childish drama. Both of us looked at the ceiling, catching snatches of sound that indicated Maddy was ready to approach me again. I tried to smile, but the cup trembled between my fingers.
‘Let me pour it for you. It’s going to be OK.’
‘Is it, Mark?’
‘I don’t see what all the fuss is about, not these days, anyway. I thought teenage girls were relaxed about their parents having a sex life.’
‘It’s her dad … I guess she feels like I’ve betrayed him. God knows, I felt the same way … you know, before things actually happened. But I can’t go back to what I had. That wasn’t a life. I just existed.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum …’ Maddy’s voice sounded from the hallway, ashamed to come in until she had gauged how I would respond. Dawn entered the kitchen. She was caught between a half-smile and exasperation.
‘Me too.’
The kitchen door opened slowly and Maddy stood in the doorway, clutching a tissue. Her eyes were red, but I suspected out of anger instead of sadness. I took a few tentative steps toward her and she threw her arms around me, stifled her tears, and kissed my cheek. Her voice was heavy, but broke with a nervous laugh. ‘It was a shock, that’s all. But you’re still my mum … and I love you. I always will.’
‘Me too, sweetheart.’
‘I’m not saying I’m happy about it, but if you are, then I’ll have to be for your sake. I just need time to think about it.’
With my handkerchief, I wiped tears away from Maddy’s eyes and held her close. ‘You can take all the time you need.’
‘We’ll leave you two alone … for some mother- daughter chat,’ Mark said, and hobbled through the kitchen toward the lounge.
As Dawn passed by me, she whispered, ‘Are you OK?’
I nodded yes and then looked over at Maddy who was staring out of the window, her head lowered and shoulders hunched.
Maddy and I waited for each other to speak. I picked up an empty mug and started to make a drink for her. ‘Your dad was a good husband and father. I still love him and think of him every day. I always will. But now I need to move on, sweetheart. I’m still young and have a whole life ahead of me. I can’t be a widow any more. I’d expect the same from your dad. Antonio has only opened a door and shown me that there is so much more to life … and I intend to grasp it before it’s too late.’
‘Just tell me that I’m not going to be left out.’
‘Of course not, sweetheart.’ I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tight as she began to cry again. ‘What we had was a holiday romance with no strings attached. He has a life in Italy and I have my life here … with you. I’ll always be there for you.’ The glistening in Maddy’s eyes reminded me of my own sadness that had drained every sparkle of life from me before I’d met Antonio. I picked up the photographs and riffled through them until I found the one of him. Seeing his face again filled me with desire to be next to him, to feel his arms around me pulling me close. ‘He was a lovely guy … you would have liked him.’
As I passed each photograph to her, a smile broke the tension of her features. ‘Mum … he’s gorgeous. I’ll give you that. You have impeccable taste.’
‘I enjoyed myself while I had the chance.’
Maddy finished gazing at the photographs and looked at me, her eyes still red and moist. ‘I trust your judgment … that’s good enough for me. I love you, Mum, and as long as you’re happy …’
‘I am … for the first time since Dad died. And he’d want that, wouldn’t he?’
She hesitated and looked away. ‘Yes, he would, Mum. Dad was always happy when you were happy.’
Chapter Ten
A warm summer glow filled my bedroom. Peering through the curtains, I saw Robbie across the street; he pulled five shopping bags from his car, waddling like a penguin as he tried to maintain balance with the heavy, uneven load. Instead of putting them on the doorstep, he tapped the door with his foot. Dutifully, Jeanette opened it and Robbie struggled past her. After a short while, their automatic security light turned itself off. Their silhouettes behind the curtain made me wrap my arms around myself. There was warmth in being happy for my friends, who still had each other and were obviously very much in love.
Along the avenue, the girl with rainbow hair walked arm in arm with a young lad. What had happened to her girlfriend, I wondered. God, people’s fancies changed like the weather. I glanced at the clock. Nine-thirty. I yawned into my palm and drew the curtains.
I slipped out of my clothes and draped them over the bedroom chair. In the full-length mirror, I admired my new look. You’ve lost weight, girl, I thought. You’re doing well. I scanned my body, twisting to the side to check my core. My breasts were still pert and curvy. My gym membership was money well spent. With one hand, I folded my hair away from my breasts, telling myself I looked great. I ran the other over the Caesarean scar. A sigh slipped from my lips as I remembered the delicate kisses Antonio had planted in that tender place.
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br /> I slipped between the bed sheets. On the opposite wall, the framed sketch of me and Venus took pride of place in the sparsely furnished bedroom. Thoughts of my holiday in Naples flooded through my mind: the lights over the bay of Naples, the devil’s food, and Antonio’s gentle lovemaking. He had opened the door and freed me from an introspective curse, and since I’d arrived home, the nights didn’t drag any more. The dark circles around my eyes had vanished, and instead of the pinched and desiccated smile I once had, my lips dazzled. All in all, I looked fantastic and I felt reborn. Maybe guys had always fancied me and I just didn’t realise it until I met Antonio, but now I saw the way men looked at me. Perhaps it was the new me who wasn’t scared to draw close instead of pushing away. Whatever the reason, I felt liberated and was determined to seize every moment of each day as though it was my last.
On the bedside locker, a bouquet of flowers stood in a vase, delivered that morning. Although it wasn’t Antonio’s handwriting, the message kindled a fire within me.
I want to see you again. I need you. I want you. Meet me in Venice. My treat. Antonio.
A smile spread across my face as I lay on the bed and turned off the bedside lamp. Instead of covering up my body, I let my breasts peep above the bed cover. The night was still warm. My hand slid down, skimmed over my nipples until they hardened. Instant arousal from my hardened buds as I stroked and tweaked them made me shudder with delight. I closed my eyes to enjoy the sensation. In my mind, Antonio lay naked on the hotel bed, propped by one hand under his cheek, a glow on his face from the soft light. His eyes glistened as if I was the only woman he had ever made love with.
My hand moved between my legs and I felt the moist patch there, willing me to indulge its pleasure. As my palm lay on my clitoris, delicious sensations rippled through my core. With slow movements, the fluttering increased outward, down my legs, and soft moans escaped from my throat. My legs parted, accommodating my desire for pleasure, and bent upwards as I forced my back down into the mattress.
