Only Beau knew about the extent of the travails Cadence had been through.
“I should not have told him.” Cadence began to pace back and forth, but then, abruptly stopped, a realization hitting her. “It does not matter,” she slowly said.
Gemma frowned. “What does not matter?”
“If Beau cannot accept me, that is no fault of my own.”
“It most certainly is not.”
“Right.” Cadence nodded, fresh courage flooding her heart. “I am going to find him.”
Leaving the kitchen, she carved a path across the yard and down to the barns. Thanks to her pride, she had gone the whole day without asking Mitch or any of the hands where Beau was. That same pride had doubled now. If Beau was going to ignore her, then fine. Cadence had given him all of herself, exposed her story when just thinking about it made her feel she was internally bleeding.
Beau could be afraid of her because of what she had been through. He could judge her for it. He could change his mind a million times. But she would not let him get away with any of it without at least an ounce of honesty.
Cadence Hurley was after the truth and she would get it.
Beau was not in the stable, nor in his cabin. Finally, she found him in one of the barns, the one that mainly housed hay. He wasn’t working, though, was just sitting on a hay bale, staring at one of the dogs. The barn was empty, perhaps due to the fact that it was the building farthest removed from the main house.
“Beau.”
He started at the sound of her voice, jumping up and turning to face her. Cadence stopped in her tracks.
Something about him was different. This was impossible, but he looked twenty years older. His face was sagged, great dark circles resting under his eyes. And his eyes themselves… they held a new, unnamed sorrow.
Cadence stopped a few feet away from him, breathing heavily. They both stood where they were, staring back at each other.
A stand-off.
The wind howled, entering one open doorway, blowing down the length of the barn and exiting the second doorway. Cadence did not have to say a word. She knew Beau could read the defiance and pain in her eyes.
With a sigh that seemed dragged out of the very depths of his soul, Beau hung his head. Cadence stayed patient, standing her ground as she waited for him to look back at her.
“I’m sorry, Cadence,” he mournfully said.
“I bet you are.”
The fierce words surprised her. If she had been the old Cadence, she would have regretted them, would have wanted to suck them right back down. But that Cadence was gone. The woman standing in front of Beau had been hurt too many times.
His eyes widened slightly at her harsh demeanor.
She crossed her arms. “Just tell me the truth, Beau. That is all I want. Give that to me and I will walk away.” Her lips trembled. She was going to break. “But I cannot keep going on this way, never knowing when you’re gonna retreat… when you might regret what we have.”
Beau’s eyes grew wet. “I don’t regret loving you, Cadence. I just shouldn’t do it.”
Oppressive silence lay thick in the barn. The dog, knowing things were going south, stood up and trotted outside.
“I wish I could beg you to change your mind,” she carefully said, taking her time and enunciating every word. “But you have hurt me too many times for me to do that.”
Beau’s lips pursed. He looked the closest to crying that he ever had—which Cadence did not understand in the slightest. He was the one putting distance between the two of them. What did he have to howl over?
“I’m full of darkness, Cadence. You deserve a man who’s the opposite.”
She threw her hands up in frustration. She had come looking for Beau, thinking this conversation would be short and simple, but now that the interaction was happening, she was being quickly pulled into a hurricane of confusion.
“You told me that before, Beau!” she shouted. “And then, you changed your mind. So, which is it? Or are you just going to tell me this today, then change your mind as soon as another man shows an interest in me?”
Fists clenched, she leaned close to him. Never had Cadence wanted a fight so badly. She yearned to throw herself at Beau, to pound on him until she had no strength left. Until he took her in his arms and kissed her like he was meant to do.
There was no logic here. She could not love a man so much without him being part of God’s plan for her. And yet, that was exactly what was happening. She had fallen for the gruff, sensitive cowboy without knowing that he had never belonged to her in the first place.
Tears filled her eyes, but she did not hide them. Let Beau see her pain. It was real, nothing to be ashamed of. “What is this darkness you talk about, Beau? Because I have yet to experience it myself.”
Beau winced like he was in pain. “I did something a long time ago, Cadence. And if you knew what it was, you would not like me very much.” He leveled his gaze with hers. “In fact, you would hate me.”
“Do not put words in my mouth, nor feelings in my heart,” she hissed. “You insult me with assuming you know what I would experience at any given moment.”
“Oh, Cadence.” Beau turned from her, hand covering his face. “You need to go.”
They were the words that stabbed her right in the heart. “Is that what you want?”
“It ain’t what I want!” he shouted, anger reverberating in the barn. He turned to her, his eyes a hard mix of pain and fury. “What I want is you, Cadence. You probably don’t believe that, but it’s the truth. And because I love you, I have to let you go.”
Cadence swallowed a cry. “And you will never let me know why.”
It was a statement, not a question. Oh, how tired she was of always asking and begging for the answers from him. Life was hard enough as it was. Love should not have been equally difficult.
“I don’t want to break your heart any more,” Beau sadly said, shaking his head. “Don’t make me do that, Cadence.”
Cadence closed her eyes, looking for comfort, but only finding the thing she hated most. Darkness.
“It is in both of us,” she whispered, half to Beau, half to the unfair, wild, treacherous world. Eyes still closed, she swayed on her feet. The wind howled and she knew Beau watched her. Would this be the last time he set eyes on her? Would he think of her always as this way? Heartbroken and angry?
That was not her, just as Cadence knew whatever pain Beau carried was not him.
“We all have pain,” she gasped, opening her eyes, her gaze immediately connecting with his. “We all have darkness.”
Beau watched her, absolutely still but for the nervous ticking in his throat.
“But there’s more light than darkness in all of us,” Cadence continued. “And I believe, Beau Johnson, that the more dark we have, the more light we have. You just have to fight to find it sometimes.”
She turned. She left. Whatever Beau’s answer was, it did not matter. She could not save someone who did not want her help. It didn’t matter that he was the person she loved more than anyone else. Cadence had spoken and lived her truth. Nothing was more important than that.
Chapter Twenty-Four
24. Beau
Chapter twenty-four
Used to be, Beau saw the night as his friend. Past sunset was the time when he could let all his demons out. He could slip away into the welcoming folds of dark. With no one there to see his sins, it was almost as if they didn’t exist.
But now, he saw the night the way Cadence likely did. It pressed in close on him, whispering in his ear. It knew who he was, what he had done wrong. There was no more hiding.
Giving up on sleep, Beau hauled himself from the warm covers. He was fully dressed, ready to go. His limbs had been too heavy for changing before bed, just like his stomach had been too tight for eating. He’d been alone since Cadence turned and walked away from him and that was just right. Not good, no, but what he deserved.
His first exhale outside the cabi
n sent a cloud of ice around his face. Dawn was still hours away, but there was always work to be done. On a big ranch, losing yourself in the endless tasks could become a regular thing, a way of life.
Bubba fell at Beau’s heels as he made his way to the barns. Even through the thick leather gloves, Beau’s hands burned from the chill. Snow was so close, he could taste it, but the sky was still taking her time.
Milk the cows. Feed the horses. Scatter the chicken feed. Break the ice in all the water troughs. In between each task, Cadence’s face flashed in front of Beau’s eyes. She was right up the hill, sleeping in the big house. Those eyes. That soft hair. The wild, strong, and beautiful spirit.
He wanted her so badly, it ached—not just in his heart, but in every inch of him. He wanted to yell, to ask God why this had happened. But there was no point. Beau knew. He had helped innocent people die and losing Cadence—just like he had lost Abigail—was his punishment. He would have never been able to get away from the sin of that day, anyway, but now, he would really get to suck on that memory. Each and every moment for the rest of his life, he would remember Cadence and why he couldn’t have her.
The door to the pig pen opened with a bang, making both Beau and the best sow they had jump.
“What are you doing up so early?” Nat demanded, stamping his feet and blowing on his hands. As if suddenly remembering he had gloves, he yanked them from a back pocket and pulled them on.
“Feeding the pigs,” Beau grunted. “What’s it look like?”
“Good morning to you, too.”
Beau didn’t bother asking Nat why he himself was out so early. He didn’t care. He just pushed past Nat, hanging the empty feed bucket on its hook and going out into the first rays of morning. The frost on the grass sparkled, the whole land covered in a fine diamond sheen. How could it be that this was the same world so much pain happened in?
Nat followed, hot on Beau’s hills. “Did you say goodbye to your fiancée yet?”
Beau halted. “What’s that?”
Nat pushed his hands deep into his pockets, still doing his best to keep the cold at bay. “Did you say goodbye to Cadence yet?”
Beau made a point to look away as he started walking again. “Uh-huh.”
So, Cadence was leaving. And Nat, and probably everyone else, didn’t know what had happened between the two of them. It was for the best.
For the best… for the best. All Beau had to do was keep repeating that to himself.
Nat stopped following him then, gone off to his own morning chores. Beau pushed himself harder, climbing into the hayloft and tossing down bales to feed the cattle that day.
“Beau Johnson!”
Beau dropped the bale in his hands and went to the edge of the loft. Down below, Gemma stood, hands on hips, kitchen apron on. The crazy woman hadn’t even put on a shawl or hat.
“Don’t you start, Gemma.”
Unexpectedly, the angry look on her face transformed into pure sadness. “She is going to the Creerys’. I just thought I should let you know.”
Beau silently stood there, waiting for the lecture. His heart pounded loudly, screaming that it wanted to know about everything Cadence was doing. It wanted her back.
Gemma delicately nodded, affirming something with herself. “That is all.”
She left the barn, her exit much quieter.
Beau didn’t know what had just happened, but, abruptly, his legs no longer worked. Leaving the hay bales, he collapsed on the edge of the loft, legs hanging over the side. His head sank down into his hands and he just sat there.
All the memories he’d stored up his whole life tried to creep their way back in. Meeting Abigail at that dance, so pretty in her blue dress and ribbons. Saying goodbye to his family. Leaving for an adventure out West. Losing Abigail. Wandering around Wyoming for months, sleeping out under the stars and performing odd jobs, doing what he could to survive, but not really caring whether he did or not. Cadence. Sweet, sweet Cadence. He’d known from the start he didn’t deserve her.
The memories wanted ahold of Beau. They wanted to latch on like mosquitoes and suck him dry, but he wouldn’t let them. He sealed his mind shut, just like he’d done with his heart.
But though the thoughts couldn’t get through, the searing, white-hot pain could. It always could.
Chapter Twenty-Five
25. Cadence
Chapter twenty-five
To Whom It May Concern,
Greetings. My name is Cadence Hurley and I have recently benefited from the services of your agency. However, I am sorry to report that the marriage I was set up with did not come to fruition.
Cadence’s pencil hovered over the fresh sheet of paper. One word at a time. One pen stroke, and then another. It was all she needed to do. Just keep writing and soon, the letter would be completed.
“What are you writing, Teacher?” Teddy asked, hanging on the back of her chair.
She gave him a smile that did not reach her heart. “Just a letter to a friend back East.”
“Oh. Okay. Tell them about me!”
This time, Cadence’s smile was genuine. How Teddy always made her mood turn around!
“What would you like me to say about you?”
His gaze roamed toward the ceiling as he thought about it. “Tell them that I have a dog named Buffalo; and that the kittens are gon’ be born soon; and that my friend, Elijah, has a spinning hoop; and we’re gon’ play with it after school; and I have that time down in my house; and...”
Cadence nodded, not sure what he meant by “that time,” but eager to show she cared. She consistently checked her laughter as Teddy went on, listing everything that was good in his life. He stumbled over every other word, he was so excited. Half the time, she didn’t know what he was speaking of, but still, she could listen to him talk for hours.
Could she really leave him behind? Could she leave the whole town—her job, her new friends—behind?
It was Beau she needed to get away from. If only they did not live in the same area, things would just be easier.
Right after leaving Beau in the barn the day before, she had ridden to Mr. Lenox’s and asked to be assigned to another host family.
Staying at Winding Path Ranch any longer than necessary was not optional. As fortune had it, Mr. Creery, Teddy’s father, had been visiting with Mr. Lenox and he offered to put Cadence up right away.
Teddy had been thrilled to have her stop by his house that morning with her belongings, then even more thrilled to share Pip’s last ride to school with her.
Cadence would miss Pip dearly, but he needed to be returned to Winding Path Ranch soon. As the Creerys lived right on the outskirts of town, walking to and from the schoolhouse would be no problem.
Still, losing the horse felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back. She loved riding Pip.
Getting into his saddle on a consistent basis was one of the greatest accomplishments of her life. Thinking about giving that up had tears springing into her eyes. One day, she hoped, she would have her own horse.
“What friend are you writing to?” Teddy asked.
It was early still. The rest of the students would not be at the schoolhouse for five or ten more minutes. Teddy had done a swell job helping to start the fire and open the shutters, basking in the glory of being Teacher’s Helper the whole time.
Putting her pencil down, Cadence turned to him. “You know what? I think I may not write the letter after all.”
“Aw. But why?”
“Because I have more important things to do here,” she explained, quickly tickling his side. Teddy laughed in glee and wiggled away.
What had she been thinking anyway, planning on writing the mail-order bride agency and asking to be placed with a man in another area?
She’d been acting impulsively, reflexively reaching for change after being so hurt by Beau.
With her heart bleeding, she only wanted to get as far away from him as possible and being set up in another area by the
mail-order bride agency seemed like the best option. There was no assurance of a teaching job anywhere else, but there could be assurance of a marriage.
And she could have told Mr. Dunst she was now available for marriage, but that did not feel sufficient either. She did not need him, especially considering he lived so close to Beau.
No, Cadence no longer needed a husband at all. She had confirmed that for herself weeks ago. What she needed was to escape.
Her Wild Journey (Seeing Ranch series) (A Western Historical Romance Book) Page 15
