“Having fun, boys?” It was the bartender. “I’m closing up so you may want to start heading home...”
That’s when Dan fell again, from the ceiling, back into his own body. It was two o’clock in the morning and the bar was closing. He had been talking to Sean for four straight hours, the beer still in his hand, warm.
They left the bar together. Sean was careful not to touch Dan, after having been told just what a hermit the man next to him was, and how the pretty boys only ever wanted the one thing. Sean had promised himself to make this work.
When Sean walked through the door of the Cave that night, after another great workout with his mates, he immediately noticed the guy in the corner of the bar. His dark hair, his square jaw, the way he seemed so utterly out of place, and he was intrigued. While Sean loved his workouts, loved to stay fit, loved to take care of his body, he didn’t really do so because of himself. He did it because he wanted to be in shape for his man, not that he had one, not right then anyway, but you need to be ready. So he worked out, and regularly replaced the lube and condom he always carried with him.
He couldn’t keep himself from walking over to that mysterious man, someone he had never seen out before. Not at the Roxy, not at the Lantern, and certainly not there, at the Cave. He needed to find out who he was.
When they reached Dan’s condo, Sean quickly kissed Dan on the cheek and promised to call the next day to set up a second date. Then he left Dan at the front door of the high rise where he lived, watching Sean trot away, almost jogging. He went to bed that night thinking about the mysterious man he met. Why he had singled out him, of all the guys at the bar. How had time passed so quickly? How he was falling, falling, falling.
Dan fell asleep with a smirk on his face.
Chapter 11
ODDLY, DAN LONGED for Sean the moment he woke up the morning after their first date, which he wasn’t sure could even be counted as such, because it wasn’t ever set up as a date, but who cares, right?
Dan woke up with a smile and a raging hard-on. He took his time taking care of that, dreaming of Sean. Imagining various ways to bring pleasure to Sean, which was odd, because Sean was so different from the way he had expected him to be, far from his preconceptions of a pretty boy chasing another one night stand.
Sean would continue to shame him every time they met. It would take Dan two months to find out just why Sean was taking it so slow. Why he would never spend the night, why they hadn’t had sex yet, despite the fact that they had seen each other practically every day. Neither Dan nor Sean could stay away from the other and if Sean hadn’t called Dan, Dan would call Sean. They talked over breakfast, met up for lunch or dinner, and went out for a beer whenever time permitted.
Yes, it took Dan two months to find out why Sean was taking things too slowly even for his taste. It was because of something he told Sean that first night.
“...you pretty boys,” Dan had said, “all you ever want is a one night stand, get off quickly, cum and go. To you guys, people like me are just collateral damage...”
Sean had been hurt by the comment, although it wasn’t entirely untrue. Yes, in his past, Sean often met guys he had in fact cum and left without ever looking back. But Dan had no idea that the minute he looked into those eyes and started falling, that Sean had joined him, committed for the long haul.
Sean decided to make this work. He had to prove to Dan that he could indeed take it slow, that he could stick to one guy, commit.
Dan had been ashamed when he finally learned the reason, spending the rest of that night apologizing for the hurtful comment. It took him another month after that before he finally lured Sean into his apartment, and got his hands on the man. Not just hugging and kissing, but actually got his hands under Sean’s clothes, removing them, relishing the sight of his beautiful body, carefully sculpted over years of running to the gym. That beautiful body he had wanted to be his ever since he first looked into the eyes of the man opposite him on the couch.
Their lovemaking was intense. It was like ocean waves crashing on a rocky shore, again, and again, intense, loud. It had been a while since Dan was with a guy, and he cherished every second, every caress, every movement from Sean’s hands and fingers on his body. The way Sean used his tongue to explore his body, the way Sean’s cock rubbed against his thighs, his back, his chest.
He loved the manly, salty taste of Sean’s cock as he finally gained access to it. He tried hard not to gag, failing, but the laughter it elicited from Sean was loving, not judging. Sean also failed miserably returning the favor, gagging as well, leaving both men cracking up. Sean was the first to gain his composure, noticing that in the laughter, Dan had gone limp. He took the man’s sack in his mouth and moved his tongue around the balls, licking that sensitive skin around a man’s cock and ball sack. Then he moved south, trailing backwards, lifting Dan’s legs up on his shoulders, dragging his tongue slowly but deliberately to the sacred spot that sent shivers up and down the spine of every man he’d ever met. Dan was no exception. His moan told Sean that he was on the right track, knew that he would soon have his prize. He rimmed Dan for all he was worth, and Dan’s resistance, if there had ever been any, melted under his tongue’s ministrations.
He entered Dan shortly after, the freshly replaced condom and lube finally coming to some good use. For Sean, it had been three months and four days since he had last slept with a guy. It was a quick encounter at the lavatory of the Lantern. He carefully placed the crown of his cock against Dan’s sphincter and pushed, lowering his upper body down towards Dan’s, meeting him in a deep kiss, as his cock found its place inside Dan. The fucking was slow, deliberate. Sean knew that any sudden move would send him over the edge and he didn’t want to cum quickly. He pulled out, thrust in, carefully, slowly, deliberately, all the way in. Dan was an amazing lover, and like so many men before, he lost his heart to Dan that night while they were making love. Sean had been careful not to cum, hoping that Dan might return the favor, that Dan might be as versatile as he, and they might enjoy each other fully, again and again. Sean also hoped that Dan felt the same way he did.
Sean was right, relieved, and he finally came with Dan’s cock buried deep inside him as they thrust over and over, coming simultaneously, accompanied by a groan that made Sean wonder if the condom would withstand the pressure.
That was the first time he had been invited to spend the night, but Sean still wanted to prove to Dan that he was worth his trust, worth the wait. They continued to see each other every day. They had sex, spent the night together, sometimes at Sean’s place, his small studio apartment in the outskirts, but mostly at Dan’s place, that condo with the amazing view over the city’s central business district.
They continued dating, getting to know each other until, on the one-year anniversary of their first date, Sean arrived at Dan’s place with a suitcase. “I think it’s time we took this to the next level, hon!” It was the best anniversary gift Dan could have imagined. They moved the rest of Sean’s things into the condo that same day. Dan was absolutely sure that he would spend the rest of his life with Sean. Sean had also been relieved, afraid that his crazy idea might backfire, but ultimately, he had gone with his gut. Ultimately, he had been right.
Their relationship was different from most others. Their friends would also date, they would also move in with each other, some even got married and bought houses, but they also fought, argued, and bickered, just like most other couples. Dan and Sean were the exception. Dan was a successful journalist, an award winning reporter even, and Sean was the aspiring paralegal, still in law school, a few months from taking his degree. Sean knew that he would have a position with his firm as a lawyer after he graduated. He worked there for a couple of years and already knew more about the law than many of the lawyers he worked for.
Sean was passionate about the law. He truly cared for justice, not just winning. His empathy was a unique quality of his.
Sean and Dan’s relationship was harmonious, hap
py. Of course, they didn’t always agree. Of course, they argued, but they would never raise their voices, would never shout, would never say hurtful words to each other, much to the amazement of their small circle of friends. They just didn’t have to. Sean could read Dan like an open book, understanding his lover’s needs before Dan was aware of them.
They never argued, not even on the day Sean died. They had spent the weekend at their cabin, two friends of Sean’s had joined them, camping out on the living room floor. Sean wanted to go out and hunt, as their supply of meat was running low, and since Dan wouldn’t be able to pull a trigger, let alone watch someone else do it, Sean invited two of his buddies from town to join him. One was a guy he knew from work, the other an old buddy from his gym. The three men set out early to take advantage of dawn and maybe catch a deer as it returned from the lake.
Dan and Sean kissed each other as the men left, and Dan returned to bed, seeing that five in the morning was no time for any sane human being to be up and about. The forecast promised good weather, but the late fall day had veiled the lake in a thick fog.
Dan remembered hearing the shot.
It was the cold chill down his spine that sent Dan from the warmth of their bed. It was as if someone had just walked over his grave. Dan was freezing for a moment as every hair on his body stood straight, fear and worry clouding his mind if only for a brief moment. He shoved the thoughts aside, put on his sweats and a tee and walked into the kitchen to start breakfast. Sean and his pals would be back soon enough, as soon as they gutted the animal, disposed of its internal organs and carried it back to the house. Undoubtedly, they would be hungry.
Five minutes later, Dan’s world came to an abrupt end as Sean’s friends returned, banging on the door, screaming for an ambulance...
They had gotten separated in the forest for a little while, the fog making it difficult to see. The young lawyer, unaccustomed to hunting, had mistaken Sean’s careful movements in the fog for a deer, shooting him. He hit him in his leg, severing his femoral artery, leaving Sean to bleed to death within minutes. There was nothing that could be done to save him. By the time the ambulance arrived, Sean had been dead for an hour.
Dan never really recovered from Sean’s death. Sean’s friend was fined for having broken some stupid hunting laws, but his real punishment was the look on Dan’s face as he ran to Sean’s body. Seeing the broken man rock the dead shell of his lover on his lap, sobbing, screaming like a mad man. He would have to live with that image on his retina for the rest of his life. Dan did not want to press any charges. Sean was gone, and nothing, nothing would ever bring him back.
After Sean’s funeral, Dan buried the urn in the forest in the spot where he died. When Dan returned to the city, everything felt weird. They had lived there during the weeks for almost four years, but the condo was still his, and without Sean there, Dan couldn’t concentrate on his work. The city felt cold, foreign, hostile.
He sold the condo, stored the furniture and moved permanently to the cabin, returning to his lonely ways, alone, breaking off most of the friendships he had formed with Sean. Those had mostly, well exclusively, been Sean’s friends anyway, and he didn’t want to face them. He didn’t want see their sorrow, didn’t want their pity. Sean was his lover, his man, his loss. He had to deal with it on his own.
Back in the cabin, he was alone, but part of Sean was still there in every corner of the house. He was in the bathroom they had built together, he was in the insulation they added to make the house habitable year-round, he was in the kitchen where they installed a real electric stove and oven instead of the old wooden furnace. Sean was in their bedroom, in their bed, he was in his clothes on the left side of the closet they shared, he was in the toothbrush he had used just a few weeks before, he was in the razor that still hung in the shower, he was in the deodorant left behind, the cologne. Sean was everywhere, and when Dan would look up, he could see his shadow move around the house.
Such was the sorrow and grief of Dan that not even Rascal could console. He had misinterpreted the dog’s intentions when he jumped into bed the night after Sean’s death, almost strangling the critter as he threw him out of his bedroom by the collar. Rascal spent the rest of the night by the door, whining. The next night he jumped up into bed again, but this time Dan left him alone, crying himself to sleep. After that, the dog slept on Sean’s side every night. Every night until Jonathan appeared at his doorstep.
Jonathan, the first real human contact in a year’s time.
That was the story that Dan relayed to Jonathan as they sat at the table, one year and two days after Sean’s death. The day before Jonathan’s eighteenth birthday.
“He was only twenty-seven, you know. Twenty-seven, that’s no age to die. I miss him, Jonathan. I miss him every second, every minute, every hour of every day. So, while having you here has been amazing, and while there is a part of me, a growing part of me, that wants to be with you, there is also a large part of me that just isn’t ready, not for sex, and not for a relationship. Do you understand that?”
He hadn’t looked at Jonathan while he recounted his story. He was afraid that Jonathan might judge him, might consider him insane. Might leave him immediately, extinguishing the tiny flame that had been lit in his heart.
Jonathan wiped a tear from his eye and stretched out his hand to touch Dan’s arms that were folded on the kitchen table.
“Wow,” he said, “that’s…heavy, and here I thought that my life sucked.”
Dan had to laugh at that comment, given that he had thought the same thing about Jonathan’s situation. By comparison, Dan’s ordeal was nothing.
“All I want is to take it slow. I know you feel something for me, I can see it written all over your face, Jon. But I’m not ready, and I’m not sure you are either...” Dan was unsure how to express himself without hurting Jonathan. “I’m thirty-one years old, and I’m a widower. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life, although nothing in comparison to what you’ve been through. However, given your age, your experiences, how would you even recognize that you love someone? Have you ever actually fallen in love? Have you ever been with a guy, sexually I mean? Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to dismiss you, I don’t want to imply you’re immature, but try to see it from my point of view, please?” He looked over to Jonathan who was still holding on to his arm.
“No, I get it. You’re right. No, I’ve never been with a guy, not in any sexual way, not in any way. I mean, I’ve never even kissed anyone, and I’m not sure I can explain what it is I feel for you. I am very grateful for your help, for having opened your door for me, providing me shelter and all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find you attractive, didn’t want to be with you, although I don’t know how...” Jonathan trailed, blushing.
“Jon,” Dan tried, “it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. How could you know? Listen, why don’t you shower, and we’ll take a walk? I think it would be good if you took a few steps outside today. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. You can hold Rascal’s leash if you’d like.” The dog looked up from his quilt, excited about the prospect of finally getting out.
“Yeah,” Jonathan responded, “yeah, I think I’d like that, but I don’t think I have anything to wear...”
“Have a look in the closet. All the stuff to the left was Sean’s. You’re about the same size, especially if you gain back the weight you lost. Take whatever you want, and if you don’t find anything, take anything that’s mine. After your birthday, we can go shop for some clothes for you. Whatever you need, okay?”
Jonathan nodded, and took off towards to bathroom while Dan cleaned up the kitchen. Rascal could barely wait for the two men to get done with their ridiculous morning rituals. After all, he had some urgent business to conduct. As always, happy to get out of the house, to smell the snow and run around it, chasing shadows and any bird that flew in his path.
Jonathan found a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt in the closet and was happy that they almos
t fit him. He loved the warm parka that Sean bought for cold winter days. It was lined with soft rabbit fur, and the cotton beanie and mittens he borrowed kept his hands warm. He wasn’t very excited about going out into the cold, but he couldn’t refuse Dan’s request, not again, not for a second day. Besides, Dan was right. Some fresh air would do him good, so would walking and moving his muscles again. Sadly, Sean’s brand new boots were several sizes too large for him, but they made it work. Dan gave Jonathan three extra pairs of socks to put on, and in the end, he finally felt somewhat stable in the boots, making both men laugh. Rascal just watched them, desperate to pee...
The weather outside was beautiful, every tree covered in snow, every branch carrying a load of the white stuff. The lake was barely visible, the shoreline just a faint line. Dan had to lead Jonathan to make sure he didn’t accidentally walk out on the ice that undoubtedly would still be too thin to carry any real weight. They circled the entire lake, taking way more than an hour, because they literally had to make their own trail through the snow, careful not to trip over any hidden rocks or roots. Rascal had the time of his life, and was exhausted when they returned to the house. Dan offered to make hot chocolate, but noticed, to his chagrin, that he was all out.
“Hey, Jon, we’re fresh out of hot chocolate, and I get anxious when I look at my fridge. Given your appetite, I doubt I’ll be able to cook a decent meal.” Dan chuckled, amazed at the appetite his visitor had displayed, not that he was surprised really. “Mind if I leave you alone for an hour or two, while I go out grocery shopping?”
Jon looked at him with a look of terror and surprise. “But you are coming back, right?”
“Silly.” Dan gave him a hug. “Of course, I’m coming back. This is my house, remember? I live here. I was just thinking since you didn’t want to come along earlier...”
“No, that’s fine,” Jonathan cut in, “I’ll tag along. I’d rather be with you than alone out here.”
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