The horses were her favorite part of the ranch, unquestionably. Maybe her next tattoo could be in their likeness. Less than a week before she’d been terrified when faced with the needle, and now she was already planning to return for a second bit of ink!
Matt had been so gentle and caring—and funny, even though she hadn’t dared admit that to him. More than once in the past week she’d recalled his messy strawberry hair and glinting blue eyes, his warm, reassuring smile. What was it about him that kept her thoughts returning to him again and again?
She could honestly say the beginnings of such an obvious crush hadn’t happened to her before. She’d learned young that men were dangerous, how easily they could hurt you. Falling in love hadn’t been good for her mother, and it wouldn’t be good for her, either.
Brenna laughed at herself and shook her head. You don’t even know if he’s single. Or if he’d even be interested in someone like you! Stop assuming.
Besides, weren’t tattoo artists and guys like him normally attracted to similarly inked up girls with dark hair and bright lipstick anyway? Those beauties were nothing like her with her stringy blonde hair and absence of makeup. Brenna would much rather fade into the background than call attention to herself when given the choice. Too often, though, it seemed she didn’t have one.
Not that any of this mattered in the grand scheme of things. She hadn’t come all the way to Alaska to nab a boyfriend. She’d come here to find herself and a way to move past the memories that wouldn’t let go of her.
She closed her eyes for a moment and breathed mindfully as her new ranch therapist had taught her, trying to push away the thoughts that always tried to come through as she remembered her past.
She placed a delicate hand on the inside of her arm where her new tattoo lived. It would be a constant reminder of her new start.
When she opened her eyes again, a tomboyish brunette approached with a friendly smile and an animated wave. “You’re Brenna, right? We were introduced the other day but I’m not sure if you remember me. I’m Kate. I work in the stables taking care of the horses and anything else that needs doing.”
Brenna smiled at the woman who now leaned against the fence facing her. She wore a wool hat and had a scarf wrapped high and tight around her neck.
Buddy was right beside her and he came over to nudge at Brenna’s hand. She laughed and gave the horse some attention. “Buddy sure does enjoy being doted on, doesn’t he?”
“You have no idea. He’s got to be the biggest sap of a horse I’ve ever known. Still, he’s so sweet you can’t help but love him.” Kate reached up and rubbed at Buddy’s back while Brenna continued to pet his neck. She was almost sure she saw his eyes close briefly as he relished in their touch.
“Do you ride?” Kate moved a bit to the side and leaned against the fence post.
“I have before, but it was a long time ago. My mom used to work at a stable outside of our town, and my sister and I tagged along whenever we could.” Brenna continued to rub at Buddy’s neck as the memories from her past flooded her awareness.
The times in the stables with her mom had been the only thing that had saved her. It had been so long ago and lasted for less than a year, but it was also the only place she could be away from him. Her father hated horses and eventually made her mom quit her job, preferring to keep her confined to the house without any outside contact. The only sanctuary Brenna had away from the shouting and the fighting had been taken from her.
And, after that, everything had gotten a hundred times worse.
Kate nodded. “I can tell you feel at ease around the horses. Some guests take quite a bit longer to get comfortable. I’m sure the rest will come back to you soon. Riding a horse is like, well, riding a bike! When you’re ready to go for a ride around the property, just let me know. I’d be more than happy to saddle Buddy here up for you and take you out to show you the sights. For the first trip out, we do always ask that you take one of us along with you to make sure you don’t get lost and so we can point out all of the trails for you to use.”
Brenna thought for a moment before agreeing. “I’d love the chance to go out for a ride. The only days I could likely go would be Sunday or Monday, though, since I’ll be working in the kitchen every other day.” Kate was a bit goofy, but she seemed nice enough—and Brenna definitely preferred the company of another woman to that of a man, no matter how trustworthy he might seem.
“That’s fine with me. I’m here just about every day anyway.” Kate pushed herself away from the fence. “Now, I’ll let you be alone so you can visit with Buddy here. I need to get back in and start settling some of the others in the barn for the night. I just wanted to come over and say hello, welcome you to the ranch. It’s nice to have another woman around here to work with. Sometimes hanging out with all of these cowboys can be a bit tiring.”
Kate laughed as she turned to walk back toward the barn. “See ya later, Brenna. We’ll be seeing much more of each other soon. I’m sure of it.”
“Bye.” Brenna watched the woman walk away, smiling to herself. It had been so long since she had made a real friend. Would Kate be the first of many?
Growing up, she’d never wanted anyone to ever get to close in case they saw the reality of what her life was. So she’d kept her shame to herself, locking others out and locking herself and her sister in. It was going to be a challenge for her to reverse years of behavior, but she knew she had to try.
Kate would be a good first.
That was when Matt’s bright blue eyes popped back into her head again. When he’d looked at her, it was as though he knew she was damaged and that he would need to be tender. But surely, she must have imagined that. How could he have known anything about her from that brief time sitting in his chair?
Befriending Kate would be much easier, much safer. So why couldn’t she let Matt go?
She wasn’t sure what it was about that man, but he’d somehow managed to get into her mind and wouldn’t leave.
It’s because of the tattoo, that’s all. It’s important to you, and you’re accidentally assigning that importance to Matt. He’s just a guy. Don’t lose your head.
And especially don’t lose your heart.
Chapter 5
Brenna’s first month on the ranch proved to be even more wonderful than she’d expected. In addition to feeling confident with her work in the kitchen, she was also enjoying the chance to meet the guests and staff members who stopped in for treats and a friendly chat. Liz and Dorian were the best bosses she could have ever hoped for, and she even liked her new therapist, too. Though her treatment cut deep into her pay, Brenna still felt rich with life and with the possibilities of what might come next for her.
Today, for example, she’d made arrangements with Kate to take her out for a ride. Brenna had made time to visit Buddy every day and had fallen hopelessly in love with the gentle gelding. She couldn’t wait to get back in the saddle and felt guilty it had taken her so long to find the time to do so. Still, it had been important to her to get her bearings in the kitchen and make sure she had mastered her new job before she took any additional time for herself.
After finishing up a quick batch of chores, she was ready to go. Before she could fully pull her coat over her shoulders, however, Brenna’s phone interrupted her. She glanced down at the screen and frowned.
Mom.
Guilt twinged in her chest as she debated not answering. She’d come here to heal, yet her mother was the realest and most constant reminder of all she had suffered. Her mother had suffered, too, of course, but that only added to the discomfort in speaking with her.
Brenna never knew what to say anymore, especially because sometimes her mom talked about missing him. For all his faults, for all the damage he’d done, she’d somehow managed to hang onto love!
The phone clicked over to voicemail. Just as Brenna thought she was off the hook, it rang again. She’d have to take the call eventually. It might as well be now when she had an excuse
to end the call early and a pleasant afternoon planned for after.
“Hey, Mom,” she said, already out of breath from the emotional effort of picking up the phone.
Her mother sounded surprised to have gotten a hold of her. “Brenna, I’m so glad you answered. I was hoping you’d call once you got settled in up there, but I know you’ve probably been super busy.”
“Yeah,” she hedged. How much did she have to say? How much did she have to give when it felt like she’d already lost so much?
“How do you like Alaska?” Her mom’s side of the conversation felt equally stilted, but at least she was trying. Why couldn’t Brenna try harder, too? Why couldn’t she just forgive and forget? Oh, if only she could forget.
“It’s good,” she said, trying to inject a bit of enthusiasm into her voice. “It’s exactly how I’d pictured it to be.”
“I just…” The other woman hesitated for a moment, and Brenna instantly knew she wanted to talk about it, about him. She’d been avoiding calling or even texting her mom for precisely this reason. “I wish you wouldn’t have gone so far away. As family, we need each other now more than ever.”
That’s exactly why I had to go, she thought but didn’t say aloud.
Brenna swallowed hard and sat down on the edge of her bed. Her small cabin had just a bed, a chair for reading beside a small fireplace, a bathroom, and a kitchenette. It was perfect and already felt more like home than anywhere she’d ever lived before.
Her mother was waiting for an answer. She needed to say something.
“It won’t be forever,” she choked out at last, although a very large part of her hoped it would be, hoped that leaving behind Florida would leave behind all the terrible memories she’d formed there.
“And I’m here because I needed something…” She thought very carefully about how to phrase this in a way that wouldn’t lead to more tears, more probing questions. “Something different to help me move forward again.”
“Different doesn’t mean moving thousands of miles away,” her mother said softly.
“Well, I’m already here, so there’s no point in arguing about it. Besides, I like it.” And, she added to herself, he took away my childhood; I’m not letting that man have any more days of my life. Not if I can help it.
The phone was quiet for a moment, and Brenna could picture her mom sitting and chewing on her lip as she fought back tears. That was something they both did—and often.
“Do you still blame me for what happened?” she squeaked out.
“No, I don’t blame anyone but him. Not anymore. Besides, he hurt you, too. I’m just glad he never laid a hand on Olivia,” she said, and that was the greatest consolation—her father had channeled his anger so fully at Brenna and her mother that he’d left her little sister alone.
As much as her mother didn’t like admitting what they’d been through together, Brenna also knew she blamed herself. If only she’d been a better wife, more obedient, anticipated his needs better, then, then, then…
Then nothing. He still would have been a monster who’d hurt his family at every turn.
Her mom had been shouldering the guilt for all the years of abuse their family had withstood at her father’s hands. And it killed Brenna to see her so broken down. She’d tried helping her mom, begging her to see someone who specialized in this sort of thing, but every plea had fallen on deaf ears. That’s when Brenna knew she had to leave, had to get as far away as she possibly could.
It was the only way she stood a chance.
She hoped that if she got help to overcome her own trauma she could someday go back and help her mom get through hers. Even her little sister, who had remained unbattered, was still hurting, too. They’d all been through the ringer and were now having a near impossible time straightening themselves out.
Almost a year had passed since he died and the curse had been broken. The princesses were free to leave the tower of their imprisonment. Still, his legacy of hurt lingered, dragged them down each and every day. Even though she was no longer confined, Brenna knew if she didn’t do something to truly save herself, it would be too late for any kind of happy ending.
Sometimes she wondered if she’d waited too long to seek help, if it wasn’t already too late.
Then she had a thought. “Mom, I’m about to go out for a ride. Maybe you should try to make some time to go out to the stables where you used to work. I know if you could just be around horses again, your own heart could start to heal. Since I’ve been here and had the chance to be out around horses again, I’ve felt a sense of peace that I don’t think I’ve felt since the days I spent out at the stables with you. Think about it, okay?”
Her mother sighed. “I will, Brenna. But I just don’t know if I could show myself back out there. After everything that has happened and now that everyone knows the truth, I think maybe it’s time for me to go somewhere far away, too.”
“No one’s as hard on us as we are on ourselves. We have to fight for what we want or we aren’t going to get it.” She’d learned both of these things from her new therapist and suddenly needed her mom to know them, too.
She heard her mom swallow on the other end of the line. “I’m so tired of fighting. Besides, it’s too late for me.”
Brenna had to fight back tears. Why was her mother giving up when she’d only just gotten the chance at a new life? Why didn’t she care enough about herself to try? “Mom,” she warned, “don’t talk like that.”
Her mother’s voice came out small and shaky, and Brenna had to strain to hear her. “I wish I could be as strong as you, Brenna. But I never have been.”
And I never will be either—the unspoken words hung between them.
“Mom, you’re stronger than you know, and sometimes being strong means asking for help when you need it,” she pointed out, hoping her words were hitting the mark.
The pain and hurt from the years of abuse started to seep back into Brenna’s consciousness—her mother crying in the corner as she shielded Olivia in her arms; her mother with a broken arm; a black eye; a torn dress. So much hurting. She needed to get away from it.
“I have to go,” she said abruptly. “I’ll call you soon.”
Saying her goodbyes to her mother was hard. She missed her so much, and even though she avoided her calls, a part of Brenna still desperately wanted to race back to Florida to be with her again. To see if she could help even though she hadn’t been able to before.
She’d tried all that before. The only thing she hadn’t tried was fixing herself first, being an example of the new happiness healing could provide. The wounds on her body had long since healed. Now it was time to fix the damage that had been done to her heart.
Chapter 6
Brenna took a few moments to steady her breathing after her call with her mother. The last thing she needed was Kate canceling their ride due to Brenna’s encroaching panic attack. She pictured her tattoo, those three little birds taking flight. Her mother was one of them, and so was her sister. But first Brenna had to lead the way for all of them.
And she would.
She was bigger than what had happened to her. She was bigger than this panic attack, too.
Feeling better, she burst out into the bright world outside. The frigid fall air hit her in the face with a whoosh. Foolishly, Brenna had assumed a sunny day would also mean a pleasantly warm one. Okay, so maybe she still had a long way to go before understanding how the weather worked up here. Regardless, a cold day could still be a pleasant one. Perhaps she’d finally get to partake in her first snow.
She smiled as she shoved her gloves onto her hands, thankful she’d remembered to tuck them into her jacket pockets. This would be a good day. Yes, it would be.
As Brenna came up to the edge of the wooden fence around the pen where Buddy stood, she looked around to see if she could spot her missing instructor. Finally finding Kate near the far side of the stable, she crawled through the wooden slats and made her way over to join her. The other
woman had promised her a ride yesterday when she had stopped by the kitchen for one of Brenna’s now famous fruit muffins.
“Hi!” she called, traipsing quickly across the terrain in her new boots. “Sorry I’m late but my mom called. You know what moms are like once they get you on the phone.”
Kate gave her a wistful smile and nodded slowly. “Well, be thankful you have her to talk to. You never know when that will be gone.”
Brenna sensed a deep sadness behind Kate’s words. Suddenly feeling guilty for bringing it up, she tried to change the subject. “So where will we ride to today?”
“I was actually going to come up and tell you that I can’t go now. Unfortunately, something has come up at home and I need to go take care of it. I’m really sorry. If you still want to go, I’m sure we can find someone around here who’d be more than happy to take you. I was looking so forward to being able to spend some time with someone who isn’t full of testosterone for a change.” Kate’s sentence lingered in a way that suggested unspoken words were being held back.
Brenna tried to hide her disappointment. She’d been so excited to go for a ride, but she didn’t really feel like she knew any of the other staff well enough to ask them to take her. Still, she could tell Kate felt bad about having to cancel and that something else was bothering her as well. But Brenna didn’t want to pry. She hated it when people did that to her.
“Oh, it’s no big deal,” she said, waving a hand dismissively. “I’m sure there are a million other things I should be doing today anyway.” She knew there was absolutely nothing else on her to do list except maybe a quick load of laundry. But she’d say whatever she needed to assuage her new friend’s guilt.
“Thanks for understanding.” Kate rushed forward to hug her, but Brenna took a giant leap back. Kate’s face crumpled, and she hugged her arms around herself instead. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
The Strongest Love Page 3
