She tittered at the ridiculous nickname. He sounded just like the Wicked Witch of the West. Her heart raced faster, and Brenna wasn’t entirely sure if it was from working so hard to make the snowball or if it was from Matt’s nearness and his compliments. It wasn’t like she’d actually touched his hand when they bumped each other. They were both wearing big gloves. But she was sure she’d still felt a sudden jolt of something between them. She’d been called pretty before, too, but it never made her heart swell. Not like this.
She shook her head and rolled her eyes at herself. She was being ridiculous.
Moving on!
Brenna distracted herself by getting down in the snow again and setting to work on the snowball for their man’s head. She focused on the feel of the cold that surrounded her and willed her mind to be as blank as the fat, fluffy flakes that continued to fall from the sky. Matt was a nice guy who’d offered to take her for a ride, and she was a broken woman who was on the ranch to get help. That’s just how things were going to be. She needed to keep her heart and her body under control, end of story.
“That’s pretty much perfect, just like that.” Matt came over and hefted the ball into his arms, walking the short distance to their snowman and dropping this third and final mound on top.
“Now you need to put some snow between the balls to keep it secure. That’s how all the best snowmen are made.” He picked up some snow and showed her how to press it in between the creases to secure the newly erected structure. Her eyes kept wandering to him, watching him as he worked so intently on making this perfect snowman with her.
“So now what will we use for his eyes?” He crouched down and dug in the snow until he found some stones on the trail. He held his hand out for her to take them. “This is your snowman, Brenna, so you should have the honor of giving him his sight.”
They worked together, sticking two broken branches into the sides for arms and using some other rocks to make a mouth and some buttons.
“He’ll be cold. Don’t snowmen usually need a scarf or something? All the ones I’ve seen, you know, on TV and in the movies have one.” Brenna laughed as he brought his hand up to rub his chin and pretend to think about it seriously.
Finally, Matt pulled his own out from under his jacket. “Well, I don’t want your first snowman to be anything less than perfect, so I guess he can have my good scarf. Luckily I’m tough and can handle a bit of cold while we ride back to the ranch.” He handed it to her with a wide grin.
“Are you sure? It looks like a pretty nice scarf.” She walked up to the snowman and waited until he nodded before tying it around the neck.
When it was all done, she came over and stood beside him to admire their work. “He’s perfect! That scarf was just what he needed. Thank you so much for this day, Matt. It’s just what I needed.” She lifted her head to smile up at him and caught her breath when her eyes met his.
He didn’t say anything but slowly turned to face her, locking his eyes on hers. That was when Brenna noticed they were sparkling with some untold mirth.
Should I tell him I’m not looking for a relationship, or is that too presumptuous? Is he going to kiss me? No, why would he want to do a thing like that? But then, why is he looking at me like that? Oh my gosh, what do I do next? Brenna’s internal monologue ran through her head so quickly she could hardly catch on to a single thought, and when Matt reached forward to grab her hands in his, she froze.
“No, thank you, Brenna,” he said as Brenna’s heart thumped in her ears. “Seeing someone have the chance to do all of this for the first time and being able to enjoy it all through your eyes has been amazing.”
Before she had time to make any further sense of what was happening, Matt’s face lowered and his lips found hers. Brenna’s pulse raced as he gently pulled her closer to him, bringing his arm around her back. Her own arms went up to hold onto the front of his jacket as she struggled to keep her knees from buckling under her. She’d been kissed before, but never like this. There was so much promise in Matt’s kiss that, for the briefest of moments, she allowed herself to believe there were men out there who could be trusted.
But half a second later, reality hit her straight in the chest.
No, they couldn’t. Men would always be stronger and able to hurt a woman at their whim. She refused to be a victim ever again. She couldn’t allow herself to lose focus. She couldn’t compromise her recovery due to a couple enjoyable afternoons in Matt’s presence.
Get out of there. Get to safety!
Brenna pushed hard against Matt’s chest and leaped back, bringing her hands to her mouth to stifle the scream she felt building within her.
Matt turned bright red with embarrassment, regret, something. “I’m sorry, Brenna. I didn’t mean…I mean…I’m sorry. I thought you were feeling the same things as me. I shouldn’t have overstepped.”
Her heart clenched as she saw the genuine pain in his eyes as he thought he’d done something to hurt her. But she wasn’t going to let herself be fooled. Staring at him through wide eyes, she caught the sob that threatened to break from her throat.
“Let’s just forget it ever happened, okay? I think it’s time we headed back anyway.” Her voice shook as much as her legs as she rushed over to mount Buddy. As soon as she was in the saddle, she kicked in her heels and let him take her home.
Matt kept his distance as he followed behind. Luckily, Buddy knew the way back to the stables and was more than happy to lead the way.
Brenna felt so confused as she flew across the snowy landscape. For a moment when Matt had kissed her, it felt warm and cozy. It felt like the way things should be. But then the fear of repeating past mistakes slammed into her, coming in waves as the tears rolled down her cheeks.
Why couldn’t she just be happy? Didn’t she deserve that much after all she’d been through? Could she ever really be free, or would she always be afraid of whatever possibilities life threw her way?
She suspected she knew, and the answer broke her heart.
Chapter 9
For the first time since her arrival at Memory Ranch, Brenna had difficulty sleeping through the night. After waking up for the third time in the space of just a couple hours, she reached for the book she’d borrowed from Liz’s personal library and started reading. And by the time the sun came up, she’d finished the entire journey from Anchorage to Nome alongside the author and her spirited team of sled dogs.
Reading Scarlett Cole’s great adventures made Brenna’s life feel very small by comparison. At least she’d managed to pass the time without replaying the events of her ride with Matt over and over again until they made her sick. She moved through the rest of that day like a zombie, thankful for the numbness her sleep deprivation had brought up.
Fearful of the very real possibility that she might start a grease fire, she instead chopped meat, vegetables, and potatoes and dumped them into the slow cooker for a hearty yet safe meal to feed the residents. She had to learn new ways to cook in the smaller kitchen and without all of the fancy utensils and appliances she’d learned with in the more industrial restaurant kitchens of her past. Ordinarily, on her more well rested days, using the large crock pot to have meals cooking throughout the day was a good way for her to free up more time for baking while still making sure the evening meal was done on time.
When it came right down to it, being in the kitchen made her happy—and she wouldn’t trade that for the world. Cooking and baking were two things she loved, and she could lose herself for hours with just a mixing bowl and spoon to keep her company.
Learning to cook had become vital to her well-being at an inappropriately young age. Her mother was often too hurt to tend to meal preparation, but that didn’t change the fact that her father expected a piping hot dinner on the table every night by five o’clock. If they failed at that, there was always a special kind of hell to pay. What else could she do? What else could any of them do?
Brenna had stepped in to make sure the monster was fed an
d at least couldn’t use that as an excuse to beat them. For the first few years of this arrangement, she’d needed to use a stool to reach the counter and stovetops. That’s how tiny she’d been. Still, he’d complain and catapult the steaming hot food into her face. Sometimes he’d be so dissatisfied in the fruits of her labor that he’d beat her, but at least it meant he wasn’t hurting her mother. Those nights off from the abuse had become so important to her mom’s well-being that it didn’t matter if Brenna had to hurt, too.
With time, practice, and determination, Brenna was able to turn out meals that satisfied both her father’s stomach and his temper. Things got better for a little while then, too.
Until suddenly they weren’t.
The other shoe always dropped. That had become a fact of life as far as Brenna was concerned, and it’s why she had to be so careful still even though her father was gone.
She tried not to think about it as she continued peeling and slicing vegetables for her stew. So what if she’d discovered cooking under duress? It brought her protection then, and it gave her comfort now. Besides, there were far worse ways to spend an afternoon than in a warm, yummy-smelling kitchen.
She finished up with the vegetables and moved on to mix a fresh batch of muffins. That was when she could feel that she was no longer alone. Sure enough, Liz spoke a second later as she hurried through the kitchen toward Brenna.
“Hey, girl, I was hoping I’d catch you in here. How’s everything going?” Liz walked into the kitchen and sat down on a stool across the island from where Brenna was working.
She continued mixing the batter she was working on, unable to meet Liz’s eyes. Brenna knew she’d been in a bit of a mood since Sunday when she’d been riding with Matt, and she was embarrassed that she’d let others see it.
When she’d raced back to the ranch and dismounted, she’d quickly handed the reins to Howard saying she wasn’t feeling well and asked him to take care of Buddy for her. Matt had caught up with her along the way, but he gave Brenna the space she needed without forcing her to talk. As she turned on heel toward her cabin, she heard him telling Howard that he’d brush Buddy down and put him away.
The day after her big kerfuffle with Matt, Liz stopped by to let her know there was an opening with the therapist who specialized in relationship counseling and that Brenna could begin to see her in addition to her regular recovery therapist if she was open to it. Brenna accepted the opening but then pushed Liz out of her cabin before the other woman had a chance to settle in for a more social visit.
Rude or not, Brenna just couldn’t talk what had happened with Matt. Not yet. Sometimes she just couldn’t seem to get her emotions under control, and she always felt embarrassed after. It also made her worry that she was taking after her father despite her best efforts to be nothing like him.
Like she did now, standing with Liz in the kitchen as if nothing had gone wrong.
“Everything’s fine,” she lied. “Thanks for setting up that extra session for me. I think it helped.” That was a lie, too, because while she found it easy to open up to her normal therapist, this new relationship counselor pushed too hard.
“You can keep seeing her if you want. We were all really worried about you after your ride with Matt on Sunday.”
Brenna whipped her head up to look at Liz. “Why?” Had Matt said something, or did Brenna just wear her heart on her sleeve for all to see?
Liz smiled knowingly and shrugged. “Matt told me he might have stepped over a line with you. He feels terrible.”
Brenna looked back down at her batter and sighed. “No, he didn’t really do anything wrong. I just reacted badly.” Her cheeks started to burn as she looked back across at Liz. “He kissed me and I pushed him away, then ran off like I’d been attacked. I didn’t mean to do it, but I guess I’m just not ready to let myself believe all men aren’t the same.”
Liz fixed Brenna with a sorrowful expression. “Matt wouldn’t give the details, but I figured it was something like that. Just know that he’s had his own share of bad luck in his life and would never want to do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. I’m sure if you talked to him, he’d understand.”
“I doubt he’d want to talk to me again after how I acted. I’m a mess, and I’m not sure if that’s ever going to change. You know the worst part? Everything about that afternoon with him up until that point had been pretty much perfect.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard perfect and Matt used in the same sentence,” Liz said with a laugh, but then sobered again after taking in Brenna’s dour expression.
Liz put one hand on the counter as she regarded Brenna. “Matt is far from perfect, and I’m sure he’d be the first one to tell you that if you let him. And this might not be easy to hear, but it has to be said...”
Brenna gulped. Here it was, time for the other shoe to drop—and she’d really begun to enjoy her time here.
Liz took a deep breath before continuing. “Until you give him a chance to prove that he isn’t like your father, I don’t think it’s fair to just assume he is.”
Brenna stared at her batter, wishing she could just be like everyone else and let herself have a relationship with someone without worrying. She’d had a few relationships in high school and one after that hadn’t ended well. And she knew it was all her fault. Her fear always took over.
But Liz was right. She hadn’t broached the topic with her before, but Brenna knew that Liz and the staff had a full run-down of her situation when reading over her application and medical referral to the ranch. Still, she felt exposed. It was hard knowing that others already knew the worst things about her, that maybe they expected her to stumble and fall.
Like she had with Matt.
Brenna realized it wasn’t fair to assume that he would hurt her the way that her father had, but that didn’t make choosing to trust him any easier.
She did like Matt. She did!
And she knew she’d only actually spent a few hours over the span of a couple afternoons in his company, but he didn’t seem anything like her father at all. And when he’d kissed her she’d had a few seconds of feeling like everything was right in the world. Of course, her fears had pushed their way through and ruined what could have been a blissful moment for her, but the beginnings had been there.
Maybe if she just talked to Matt and tried to explain, he would be patient with her. Liz said he had a troubled past of his own. Did that mean he might understand Brenna’s?
And would he even want to talk to her now after how she’d run off like that? What if he thought she was a complete lunatic now? What if her over-the-top reaction had quashed any feelings he’d begun to have for her? What if, what if, what if…?
Chapter 10
Brenna spent the next few weeks going back and forth on whether she owed Matt an apology about her role in their disastrous kiss, whether it was safe to see him again, to make even becoming friends official. Her new relationship therapist had helped her see how flawed her thinking was, but that didn’t mean she could just undo years of trauma in just a few sessions.
Still, she’d decided to take a chance and bet on Matt, bet on herself.
She stared out the window at the rundown house across the street from where her car idled at the curb. This was the address the man at the tattoo shop had given her, but she still wasn’t sure if it was right. When she’d stopped off at Pipeline Ink to apologize to Matt, the artist on staff had explained that Matt had taken the day off to spend some time helping his parents following his mother’s surgery. Brenna had typed the address into her phone, not sure if she’d be brave enough to drive over.
And yet here she was.
Staking out Matt’s parents’ house like some kind of stalker, trying to work up the courage to head to the front door and knock.
What are you doing here? This is crazy! He doesn’t want to see you, and you don’t owe him any kind of apology. Just put the whole thing behind you and move on!
Brenna took a series
of deep breaths. Her inner critic was right. This was one of her worst ideas yet. But just as she was about to start her car back up, drive home, and abandon the whole apologizing idea, the side door swung open revealing Matt carrying a garbage bag and wearing only a pair of plaid pajama pants and slippers.
Brenna’s cheeks burned as she tried to crouch down in her seat before he could see her. But it was too late.
He stopped and glanced directly at her. Even from the distance that separated them, she could see his eyebrows pull together in confusion. Slowly, he walked across the street to her car.
She opened the door and stepped out, acting like it was perfectly normal for her to be here. She tried not to notice his well-muscled arms or the tattoos on his chest that she hadn’t seen previously. He had a bird in flight just like she did. Why hadn’t he mentioned that before? And what did it represent? Okay, now she was staring.
If Matt noticed, he didn’t seem to mind. “Brenna? What are you doing here?” He brought his hands up and rubbed furiously at his arms in a futile attempt to keep warm. His skin had already started to take on a faint bluish tinge. What was he doing in this bitter cold without a shirt? He had to be even crazier than she’d thought before.
“Are you okay?” Brenna couldn’t help but ask. “You are literally freezing over right before my eyes.”
Matt let out a puff of air and rolled his eyes. “Nah, I’m a born and raised Alaskan. I can handle a little cold air. What’s up?”
Brenna felt the need to hurry through her explanation and her apology. She’d hate it if Matt died from hypothermia on her account. “Well, I stopped by the shop to talk to you earlier and your friend said you were here. I probably shouldn’t have come over unannounced. I mean, the guy mentioned something about your mom having surgery and you being here to help out. Now I feel ridiculous. I shouldn’t have come over at all. I’m sorry.”
Now she was babbling like a school girl. If he hadn’t thought her crazy before, he definitely did now. It wasn’t the apology she had envisioned, but it would just have to do. Was it too late to get back in her car and hightail it out of there?
The Strongest Love Page 5
