"So at this point I'm doing it to myself."
"I don't see anybody else who can, Jan. Like everybody else, you have to slay your own monsters. Your monsters are much larger than most people's, but it's still up to you."
"Have you ever had an intimate relationship? A sexual relationship?"
"No. I don't think I can."
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, I've tried viewing VR porn, full immersion, and I can never get past the point where the guy touches me. My skin crawls, and I have to turn it off."
"But that's sex without any feelings, without any intimacy, without any relationship. Both parties are willing, but it's a purely mechanical act between strangers. It has no context, no meaning. Most women don't like porn for that reason. It seems to be more of a guy thing."
"So you don't think that means I can't have a relationship?"
"Why would it? It's like saying you don't enjoy eating when you're not hungry. Or having food forced on you, for that matter. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy food in the proper context, when you're hungry."
"Well, that makes sense, I guess. I never looked at it that way."
"Look. You've told me when you joined the CSF your social skills were basically non-existent. On this you're just going to have to trust me. You don't need to force the issue. To be in a hurry to prove something. Just don't be afraid of it, or think that it's not possible for you. That's the sort of thing that's self-fulfilling."
Jan was at Sigurdsen to work out the actual system peripheries of Commonwealth planets using her hyperspace mathematics and the measured gravitational gradients, and to generalize the book of maneuvers she had built on the Nils Isacsson into a standard Fleet Book of Maneuvers, including division and squadron maneuvers. In addition, she was writing her own book on tactics, begun in earnest when she was frustrated with the CSF Advanced Tactics School.
For recreation, Jan was sparring. Sigurdsen Fleet Base was huge, with the result that there were a lot of Enshin enthusiasts at Sigurdsen. One of her regular sparring partners was William Campbell, a twenty-four-year-old lieutenant in the Intelligence Division. He had graduated high school early, and entered the Academy at age sixteen, so he already had four years in the service. They were pretty evenly matched – he had reach on her, but she was faster – which made it a lot of fun. She looked forward to their bouts.
Early on, he had asked her out to dinner, but Jan had demurred, citing how busy she was with a double assignment and a book in progress. Which was true as far as it went, but the real reason went deeper. She didn't want to lead anybody on, and she didn't think she could offer intimacy. As her therapy progressed, however, and she and Bill regularly hung around cooling down after bouts, she began to regret her earlier refusal. They had a lot of fun sparring, they could talk about her work, and his, or at least the unclassified part of his, he was smart, and he had a sense of humor she could appreciate.
One day after a bout, she opened up to him a bit about her past. As she talked, it became easier, and the whole thing came spilling out. All of it, including things she had not told even her counselor.
"Well, I had heard something about your background through the grapevine, but mostly what you've done in the service. Couple of non-coms at the office are impressed I'm sparring with you. I think they half expect to find out one day I'm dead, sort of by accident. You know, 'Oops. Was that too hard? Bill? Bill? Oh, gosh.'"
Jan laughed.
"But nothing about this other than that you were from Earth's slums and it was pretty awful. This is worse than awful. It's – I don't even know what to call it. It's a nightmare. Ten years? It's amazing you survived."
"Yeah, it was bad. I sometimes still have nightmares, and wake up shaking, in the middle of the night."
"Well, if you wake up in the middle of the night, and you want someone to talk to, or someone to hold you – nothing more – you can always call me."
"That's sweet of you, and good to know."
About ten days later, Jan had another one of the nightmares, and it was a bad one. She lay there trying to calm down. On an impulse, she picked up her phone from the nightstand and punched a code. He took a while to answer, and sounded groggy.
"Campbell."
"Bill, it's Jan. I need you."
"Be right there."
At the discreet knock on the door, Jan tossed on a robe and let him into her apartment. Bill was wearing a shipsuit, the universal casual dress on base, and moccasins on bare feet. He hadn't taken time to do more than comb his hair with his hands on the way over. As he was about to speak, she put a shushing finger to his lips, took his hand, and led him to the bedroom. She stopped at the bed, leaned up and whispered in his ear, "Just hold me." With that she dropped the robe to the side and, wearing just her panties, climbed into the bed facing the wall.
Bill kicked off the moccasins, and took off his shipsuit and set it on a side chair. In his briefs, he climbed into the bed behind her and curled up to her back. Jan had woken in a cold sweat from the nightmare, and he was deliciously warm after his walk across the base. He had one arm under her neck, the elbow bent so he could hold her other shoulder, and one arm around her waist. As they lay that way, after a moment, he felt soft tears falling on his arm.
"Jan, is something wrong?"
Not trusting herself to speak, Jan shook her head. She took his hand from her shoulder, kissed it, and put it back.
They both slept like babies.
It was 6:00 the next morning when they said goodbye at the apartment door.
"Thank you."
"No problem. What are friends for, anyway?"
"See you later."
They took their relationship slowly. Jan took it as fast as she thought she dared, and Bill was satisfied to let her set the pace. It was two months, and many nights of cuddling, before they made love for the first time.
Jan stopped in to Pat Berndt's office a couple weeks later.
"You were right. It's totally different within a caring relationship, with the right person. It's just – I don't know. It's just different," Jan said.
Executive Officer of the Heavy Cruiser
CSS Hu Mingli
"Well, from our point of view, the last two years worked out great, Commander Childers. The work you did on the standard book is outstanding, and the characterization of the inner and outer system envelopes for all the Commonwealth planets will revolutionize our defensive doctrine," Vice Admiral Stepic said.
"Thank you, Sir. I'm glad I could help."
"That being said, this is the Navy, so it will be some time before all the approvals are in hand to put the standard book out and enforce it on admirals and captains. Same thing with the changes to the spacing regulations, although that will probably go faster because it gives admirals and captains more options instead of fewer.
"So it's time to return the favor and work on your career for a bit. You need to spend some time as an executive officer before you can command a heavy warship. As you know, the executive officer actually runs the ship administratively. That's a necessary skill set. You still have a year before you could be considered for captain even on the fast track, so I've been looking for a one-year berth for you. Get you back on ship."
"I would like that, Sir."
"I figured you would say that. And I think I have just the thing for you. We had an engineering casualty on the CSS Jacques Cotillard out in Pahaadon. She's making her way back under reduced power. We're going to send the new-build CSS Hu Mingli out to replace her for the last year of her scheduled deployment. Sort of the shakedown cruise for the Hu Mingli. Nathalie Rodriguez just made Captain and she's been named her skipper. How does executive officer on the Hu Mingli sound, Commander?"
"That sounds great, Sir."
"Excellent. I like to mix people around, but I also hate to break up good teams. And I know Captain Rodriguez is going to adopt your book right off. I don't want to send you off with a captain who's going to insist on his own – an
d to be honest, inferior – book. Captain Rodriguez will be reporting to Rear Admiral Xi, and she's a good one, too. She got wind of the standard book through the grapevine and is reviewing it now. I wouldn't be surprised if she adopts it early for her squadron as a test case. The Hu Mingli will bring her squadron back up to full complement, so squadron maneuvers per the standard book would be very useful in getting it approved.
"I think that's our business for today, Commander, unless you have any questions."
"No questions, Sir, but I do have something for you."
Jan pulled a chip out of her uniform jacket pocket and slid it across Stepic's desk.
"Is this what I think it is?"
"It's the draft copy of my tactical book, Sir. I may have some minor polishing to do, but I would appreciate your input on the book."
"I'd be happy to, Commander. I've been looking forward to it."
So after two years at Sigurdsen, Jan was assigned as executive officer of the CSS Hu Mingli for a one-year deployment to Pahaadon. She and Bill said goodbye. They were both too young to think their relationship would be the last for either of them, and they both knew long deployments led to broken hearts.
"Commander Childers reporting aboard, Ma'am," Jan said.
"Commander Childers! Sit down, sit down. How are you? I haven't seen you in two years," said Captain Nathalie Rodriguez, captain of the Hu Mingli.
"They've been keeping me busy at Sigurdsen, Ma'am."
"So I've seen. You took our book from Nils Isacsson and expanded it a lot."
"Well, I had a lot of help, Ma'am. The amount of staff they were willing to put on the project was sometimes overwhelming."
"That's good, though. With that kind of administrative experience, being XO on the Hu Mingli won't be so overwhelming. I have to tell you, I was tickled pink when Admiral Stepic told me you would be my executive officer. I couldn't believe my luck."
"Me either, Ma'am. I think Admiral Stepic is looking out for me."
"You? What about me? How I could pull the best tactician in the CSF – this is no time for modesty, Commander – as my XO on my first independent command of a heavy warship defies imagination. You know, I'm going to be using your new book on Hu Mingli. As captain, it's my decision, and I'm adopting it whole hog."
"That's very gratifying, Ma'am. Admiral Stepic told me you would probably use it."
"No question. Never a doubt. And guess who our Senior Tac Officer is? Bev Bhatia. She's made lieutenant commander. And she helped you write the book on the Nils Isacsson in the first place. We have our book and a tac department head who knows it already, and we haven't left Sigurdsen yet. You know Admiral Stepic really wants a good deployment test of the new book, putting us all together."
"I saw Lieutenant Commander Bhatia on the crew roster, Ma'am. That's really great news. One thing it means is I can concentrate on getting the administrative side up and running, without having to worry about tactical."
"There's a lot of other good people coming aboard, too. Some old friends, lots of good new people. I've been very pleased looking through the personnel files. And what I've heard about Admiral Xi is positive, too. She's reviewing your new book right now. We may be using it squadron-wide."
Jan just shook her head. It was a dream. It had to be.
"Well, I was going to ask you to join me for dinner in the Officer's Mess, but, if I know you, you'll be dining in the Goat Locker tonight."
"I thought it might make a difference I'm the XO, Ma'am, but apparently not. Senior non-com aboard is Senior Chief Ivan Roberts. We've been friends a long time, since Aquitaine. He hit me with an invitation on my way down from the shuttle bay. There's a few chiefs and senior chiefs aboard from Nils Isacsson and Jean d'Arc as well."
"Well, it's not like we won't be seeing a lot of each other, Commander. Have a good time. We'll get down to business tomorrow."
Commander Jan Childers, five feet tall, twenty-three years old, Executive Officer of the CSS Hu Mingli, CSF Combat medal, CSF Science Medal, with cluster, Distinguished Service Medal, with cluster, Victorious Action ribbon, with two silver stars, was dressed in a plain midnight-blue shipsuit when she knocked on the door of the Chief's Mess aboard the Hu Mingli at 18:00 hours.
Senior Chief Petty Officer Ivan Roberts opened the door.
"Hi, Jan."
"Hi, Ivan. Long time no see. How ya been?"
After five weeks in hyperspace, CSS Hu Mingli arrived in Pahaadon. Jan found an electronic message waiting for her, delivered by fast courier while Hu Mingli was in transit:
From: Vice Admiral Janos Stepic, Tactical Division Personnel
To: Commander Jan Childers, Executive Officer, CSS Hu Mingli
Subject: Book
Excellent. I wouldn't change a word. Permission to publish?
FYI: I have classified it TOP SECRET. Commanding officers only.
Well, that's interesting, Jan thought. After so much time working on the book, to have Admiral Stepic declare it finished, in his opinion, caught her by surprise. And whose opinion would be better?
Jan sent a response in the affirmative. As a classified text, it would be published and distributed in-house within CSF by the Publications Section of the Tactical Division. Their royalties were competitive, though that made little difference to Jan. She never spent any money anyway, and it had just been piling up in her accounts. What would she spend it on? All her lodging, food, and clothes were free.
Captain Rodriguez took Jan with her when she reported in to Rear Admiral Jeanette Xi aboard Xi's flagship, CSS Matheus Oliveira.
"Captain Rodriguez reporting as ordered, Ma'am."
"Boy, am I glad to see you, Captain. We've been short-handed since we lost the Jacques Cotillard. It's nice to be back at full strength."
"Yes, Ma'am. And my executive officer, Commander Childers."
"Pleased to meet you, Commander. You might be interested to know I have already informed Tactical Division we will be using your standard book for both squadron and ship maneuvers. You'll be able to watch firsthand."
"That's exciting, Ma'am."
"I thought you'd like it. Come along, then. My staff has a briefing for you on what we'll be doing. Then we can talk."
Some outer colony force had been probing Pahaadon recently. They would stick their nose in, start to come in on the planet, and then flip ship and bug back out as they probed what the CSF response would be. The CSF forces varied their responses, so a future raid couldn't take advantage of their predictability. They had not used the ability to maneuver inside the published system periphery, because none of the probes had been in a position to threaten the planet, and they had been unable to cut off the probing forces' escape.
The size of the probing force varied, from one ship to four, from destroyers to heavy cruisers. By chance, none of them had ever transitioned out of hyperspace within beam-weapon range of a CSF ship. After all, space was a big place, and seven light-seconds was not a lot of range in terms of the size of the patrol areas.
Rear Admiral Xi's squadron had the northern approaches, the area on the system periphery above the ecliptic over the planet, while Rear Admiral Brendan Patel's heavy cruiser squadron had the area below the ecliptic. Vice Admiral Jane Pulaski and her battleships stayed in Pahaadon orbit.
What Admiral Xi wanted to do, and Admiral Pulaski had approved, is set a trap for these incursions. They would sucker in as many as they could. They would initially close off the northern approaches. If it worked out, the incursions should move to the southern approaches. Admiral Patel's group would then do the same thing on the southern approaches, and hopefully get some more.
"We think we can fry more fish if we don't close the whole system at once. When ships sent to the north don't come back, and the ones from the south do, they should shift to the south rather than stop trying.
"Any questions or comments?" Xi asked Rodriguez and Jan.
Jan looked at Rodriguez and she nodded.
"One comment, Ma'am. I think it
may be even more effective if we can convince the probing ships the ones that hyper out are battleships instead of heavy cruisers. Have two of Admiral Pulaski's battleships maintain some power discipline in orbit, and have two of our outer group wasting power, so that two in orbit look like heavy cruisers, and two on patrol look like battleships. We can rotate that duty to make it easier on crews around Earth and systems on the patrol ships. They won't be as afraid that battleships can catch them," Jan said.
"Oh, I like that. It's sneaky."
"Thank you, Ma'am."
Over the next month, the squadron practiced maneuvers, with each of the heavy cruisers taking turns as the probing force. All the maneuvers of the squadron were from the standard book, but the ship playing the probing force could do whatever it wanted, as long as she respected the published system periphery. Each ship's captain had a couple of opportunities to try to outwit or outmaneuver the squadron. They had reached a level of proficiency in maneuvers such that none ever succeeded, when the time came to use them against a real enemy.
"All right, what have we got this time?" Captain Vincent Gaudet asked on the bridge of the LNS Defender.
"Looks like there's half a dozen heavy cruisers spread out inside the system periphery, and then these two battleships outside the system periphery over here, Sir," Lieutenant Commander Paul Aronsky said.
"Are we sure those are battleships?"
"I show four battleships and two heavy cruisers in orbit around the planet, Sir, so, if they replaced the heavy cruiser that went missing for a while, that would be the same ship's complement as before."
"OK, so they think the battleships will be able to hyper in to our exit position and get us on the way out."
Childers Page 13
