by Casey Peeler
“Raegan, I can’t believe you’d say that. I love that man more than you know, but if you are okay for a few minutes, I’m going to feed the animals in the barn and check the water. Emmett’s coming around lunch.”
“Good, and that’s fine. I haven’t checked the chicken house either, and Cole, I didn’t mean to be that harsh a second ago. My emotions are runnin’ crazy.”
Cole walks over to me and holds me tightly. “There’s no need to apologize. I feel the same way. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
He exits the room, and I sit beside Grandaddy in the chair next to his bed. I watch as he sleeps peacefully, but his breathing is hard and a big puff escapes when he exhales. As he sleeps, I say what is on my heart, “It’s okay, Grandaddy. I’m going to be fine. You don’t have to hold on any longer, and no matter what, I’ll never let you go.”
In his sleep, he mutters, “I’ll never let you go, Sunshine, but I’m wore slap out.”
“I know you are. Rest a while until the line’s an express lane.” I slide out of my chair and onto the floor beside the bed. I continue to hold his hand as I rest my head on the edge of his bed. Before I realize it, the sounds of voices wake me. Cole and Emmett have slipped into the room.
“Have a nice snooze there?” Cole asks, and panic sets in as I look at Grandaddy to see if he’s still breathing. His breaths are further apart, but he’s resting. “You think we need to call Christie?” he asks. I just shake my head no.
“I just want the four of us in this room when the time comes.”
“Are you sure?” he asks once more.
“I’m sure,” I reply and neither says another word. Cole takes my seat in the chair as I sit on the bed with Grandaddy, and Emmett stands to the side. Grandaddy’s eyes open, and a smile crosses his face when he looks at me. “Grandaddy, you want me to sing for ya?”
“That’d be perfect, Sunshine.” Just like that, I look at him and smile as I begin to sing his favorite hymn, “Amazing Grace”. Grandaddy does his best to sing with me, but by the final verse, he doesn’t say a word. He smiles at me, and mouths he loves me. Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I give him everything I have. As I sing the final note, he takes his last breath.
As the reality sets in, I scan the room to find Cole and Emmett. Cole looks at his watch for Grandaddy’s time of death as Emmett moves toward me, and all I can do is hold onto Grandaddy. His hand is warm as I cry for him and what my life will be like without him. Emmett embraces me from behind, and I sob. Vaguely, I can hear Cole on the phone with someone whom I assume is Christie, but I can only focus on the body in front of me.
Emmett loosens his grip on me, and I crawl into bed with Grandaddy and hug him, just like he did me all those years ago when I lost almost everyone that was important to me.
Emmett
As we walk outside, Cole gets choked up, but pushes the tears behind him. “Cole, it’s okay to cry. He’s like another dad to you.”
“I know, but I promised not to cry. He wouldn’t want it that way,” he says as Christie’s car pulls up the driveway.
She doesn’t knock. She just comes inside and looks at us before making her way to Mr. Lowery’s room.
“Cole, this is a new beginning for all of us. We need to be there for Rae, but we also need to be there for each other. You’re the best brother I could have asked for, and I’m here for ya. Just like I know you’re going to be here for me.”
“You know I’ll be here for ya. I just hope that when Uncle Dover looks down on us, we make him proud in everything we do. I want his legacy in this town to live on, and we can do that keeping up the farm and running it like Uncle Dover did. I hope one day, I’m half the man he was.”
Chapter 41
Raegan
As I lie there holding my grandaddy, I hear the door creak open. I keep my eyes closed and try to hold on to the peace I’ve had for the past few minutes. Those moments where it’s just he and I alone in his room. Then, I feel the bed sag as someone sits.
“Raegan, it’s Christie. The funeral home people are on their way. Are you going to be okay being in here for this?” she asks gently.
“Yes, I’m not leaving him.” With that, I hold him for a little while longer until they arrive, and then I watch as they place him onto a gurney and roll him through the house. As they make their way out the front door and off the porch, I notice Hank following them. “Hank, come here, boy,” I say. He stops to look at me, but continues to follow them. I step toward the door when Emmett stops me. “I’ve got to get him.” He nods, and I walk out the door toward Hank. “Come here, boy,” I repeat as I approach him. I squat down to his level and scratch him behind the ear. “Hank, he’s gone, buddy.” I can see the sadness in his eyes. “I know. I’m sad, too, but he’s with Mama, Daddy, and Mawmaw. It’s just you and me from now on,” I say and wait for his reaction. He tilts his head to the side and grins at me. Inside, I know he understands exactly what I said, and as the van drives out the driveway, we both stand and watch as Grandaddy leaves the Lowery farm for the last time.
When we can no longer see him, I cry uncontrollably, and Hank brushes up against me. I bend down to him and cry until Emmett scoops me up and takes me inside, as Hank trails behind us.
I have no idea what time it is when I wake up, but I feel an emptiness in my soul. Grandaddy is gone. I look to my right and see Emmett at the other end of the couch. When he realizes I’m awake, he smiles my way.
“Hey, Sleepin’ Beauty,” he says, and I smile back.
“Why’d y’all let me sleep like that?”
“You needed it. It’s only been a few hours, and everything is taken care of for now.”
“I’m sure I need to do something,” I say as I sit up.
“No, you don’t. The pastor will be by after supper, Mama has supper on the way, and Cole has gone home to shower and sleep for a little while. I’m not going anywhere.”
Instead of speaking, I just slide into his arms and don’t say another word. We sit like that until there is a knock on the door. He rises to get it, and I wait to see whom it is. I soon realize it’s the beginning of the never-ending food committee. I know I should be thankful, but it’s just me for crying out loud. I’ve never understood why people want to bring so much food anyway. Oh, well. I stand and put on a happy face to greet them and continue to do the same until George and Emma arrive. At this point, she takes over, and once we eat supper, I wait for our pastor.
The remainder of the night, we discuss what service Grandaddy wants, and I pull out the book from the safe. It has every detail of the funeral and then our pastor begins to ask about memories. At this point, I’m not sure if I can handle it, but thinking of all our good times makes me forget that he’s gone.
“Hey, Rae, do you remember that time when you refused to collect eggs because you said you weren’t gonna be a baby bird killer, and that he should just buy them at the grocery store?” Cole asks.
“Uh, yeah, Grandaddy enlightened me on how they ended up in the store, and needless to say, from that day forward, I never bucked what he wanted me to do,” I say. “Cole, do you remember that time he caught you with that case of beer?” I giggle and cover my mouth.
Cole looks at me like he could kill me, and then I realize his dad is here. “Yeah, he made me start pouring all of them out, but then changed his mind because that was being wasteful. He called his buddy Joe, and I had to give them to him. The sad part was, I’d worked so hard to find a way to buy them. I thought I was so slick.” He shakes his head. “But, my favorite is when he talked about the war. Y’all know how he got that gun right there?” We all shake our head. “He traded liquor for it. He loved to tell me those stories when we’d come inside for lunch.”
After those stories, we get serious and talk about things that could be spoken about in the service. He was always singing, working hard, and on the tractor. Everyone knew who he was in the town, and they all admired his work ethic. Most of all, they loved how much he loved the Lord,
even with the cards he was dealt twelve years ago. No matter what, he always spoke the truth, even if it hurt someone’s feelings, and he never gave up. Even today, he never gave up; he knew it was time to move on, and move on, he did.
As the pastor leaves, George and Emma insist I come to their house, but I refuse. I don’t want to leave. This is my home. I look at Cole and Emmett, and they both know what I’m thinking. They aren’t leaving either. Once George and Emma leave, we all decide to call it a night. Cole sleeps in the guest room, and Emmett sleeps with me.
“Do you think he’s gonna strike me dead?” Emmett asks as he holds me close.
“Nah, he might be turning his head, though.” Emmett holds me tighter and kisses my cheek as I cry myself to sleep in his arms.
The next day is full with meeting with the men in suits and making sure everything is in line for the service tomorrow. Grandaddy had chosen to have a service at our church and then visitation afterward in the fellowship hall. He wanted a celebration, and that’s what he was going to get.
As the day of the service approaches, I do my best to hold myself together, but this is making it real. This is the day I have to say goodbye. Cole and Emmett have gone home to shower and get dressed. Honestly, I just wanted a little time alone. As the minutes pass by, I begin to regret my decision to be alone. The deep sadness I feel for not having Grandaddy begins to consume me. I push it to the side, as I get ready. Looking in my closet, I find a black A-line dress with silver embellishments on the neckline, and as I go to grab it from the closet, I change my mind when I see a bright yellow dress. That’s what he would want. I take it and slide it on with the perfect boots. As I apply my makeup and style my hair, I break down as I look in the mirror, but stop myself. I can be strong for him, just like when I was five. I wipe away the tears and apply my makeup yet again and hear a knock on the door.
“Come in,” I say as I apply my lipstick. I see Emmett standing there in a charcoal gray suit with his hair perfectly styled, and I smile at him.
“Are you ’bout ready?” he questions.
“As much as I’ll ever be,” I say as I make my way to him, and he holds me in his arms. I pull away before the tears start again.
As we walk downstairs, Joe, Emma, George, Cole, and a few distant relatives greet us. We make our way to our cars and caravan to the church.
As time approaches, we line up to enter. When we begin to walk inside, I turn to Emmett. “I can’t do this.” I begin to cry and shake my head no.
“Yes, you can,” he says as he clutches me by the arm while Cole takes my other side. We make our way down front and celebrate the life of my grandaddy, Dover Lowery. We laugh, cry, and when it comes time, I leave the pew, and keep my promise to him. I sing “Amazing Grace” the way he loved to hear it, and as I close my eyes, I can hear him harmonizing with me that last time. A tear streams down my face, but not before a smile escapes my lips.
When the song ends, I take my seat and listen to the pastor say a few last words. As the pallbearers carry him out, we exit behind them and then make our way to the fellowship hall. I’m in awe as I see how much people love us in this town. Instead of your typical visitation, there is a meal with plenty of fellowship. It honestly reminds me of a homecoming celebration. Homecoming. That’s what happened, isn’t it? He went home.
This time the men in suits aren’t a threat, because rather than being scared of the unknown or going to say goodbye, we are laughing, reminiscing, and celebrating the life of a man that called me Sunshine.
Emmett
Watching everyone celebrate the life of Mr. Lowery brings a light into my heart. He not only was he the love of my life’s grandaddy, but he was a man that I’ve grown to respect. He never worried about the cards he was dealt, but instead, he took life by the horns and lived it to the fullest.
As the crowd begins to diminish from the fellowship hall, I move in closer to Raegan. It’s almost as if she senses what is about to happen and she holds onto me for dear life.
“Raegan, are you ready?” I ask as the last person leaves. She clutches my arms tighter. “As I’ll ever be.” She says. I kiss the top of her forehead and we make our way to the door with Cole, my mom, and George.
As we drive closer and closer to the farm, I see the tears begin to stream down Raegan’s face. Not knowing what I can do or should do to make her smile, I decide it’s time to take her to a happier place and time. I take the first road once we reach the property line and turn toward the creek. Raegan looks toward me and smiles as tears fall from her face, but as I plug in my iPhone into the radio adapter and begin to play, “That’s Where It’s At,” she grins as if she knows what is about to happen. I walk around the truck, take her by the hand, and we dance by the water. In this moment, I know that her entire family is watching, and I don’t want them to turn their head. I want them to know that I’m taking care of their girl, in this moment and forevermore.
Epilogue
Four Months Later
Raegan
After waking up to the sound of the rooster, I make my way downstairs and begin working on the farm. Over the past four months, my life has changed dramatically. I’m no longer keeping up with appearances; I now wear my emotions on my sleeves and say what I am thinking. I’m still the girl that everyone loves at Cleveland High, but I no longer worry about what others think.
“Hey, Cole,” I say as I turn on the coffee pot. After Grandaddy’s passing, Cole moved in. He’s made a permanent residence here with me. I just don’t want to be alone, and Emmett is not an option because his mother isn’t having it. Plus, it’s not right, and Grandaddy would roll over in his grave.
“Mornin’, Rae, are you ready for this weekend?” he asks.
“You bet! I’ve been waiting on it forever,” I say with excitement.
“Oh, there’s something for you on the table from Joe.” I walk to the kitchen table and see an off white envelope from Joe’s office. Probably some more legal stuff to take care of. I open it immediately and freeze when I recognize the handwriting. Grandaddy. I look up to Cole, and he smiles as a whirlwind of emotions begin to attack my body. He walks out of the room, and I take a seat to read it.
Dear Sunshine,
If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave you alone, and I can honestly say that when I left this world, you weren’t alone. You have a support system that loves you.
When I had to take those treatments, I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I talked to both Cole and Emmett and asked them to keep it from you. I had my reasons. Most importantly, I wanted to spend my days with you enjoying life and not worrying about me. I wanted to see you living. Secondly, I wanted to see how Cole and Emmett would handle the task I had given them. They both succeeded. I’m thankful to have had them in my life as well as yours.
Sunshine, I’m going to miss some important events in your life. From this point on, if you need parental advice, talk to George and Emma, and when Emmett does something stupid, have Cole handle it. I’ll look down on it and laugh from Heaven.
Emmett, now, he’s a catch. We had many a talk without you knowing. Actually Cole and him. He loves you with everything he can give, and one day he’s gonna ask you to be his wife. Don’t act like you didn’t know this already, but act totally shocked when it does happen. When he does, he has my permission. I’ve already told him personally.
When I think about you getting married, I hate I won’t be there to walk you down the aisle, but Cole will be. He is to give you away, and on that day, as well as every other, I’ll be looking down on you, Sunshine! Don’t ever let that light fade. I love you with everything I have to give.
Love,
Grandaddy
I sit as the tears fall, and then Cole comes to stand beside me. I look up at him and stand and wrap my arms around him. “Thank you for always being there, Cole. I love you,” I say mid-cry, and he begins to cry as well.
“I love you, too. Just so you know, it wou
ld be an honor to give you away one of these days.” I smile as I place the note into my back pocket.
Within the hour, we are packing the truck and making our way to Atlanta. As we enter the city, all the big buildings and insane traffic amaze me. I can almost hear Grandaddy fussing the entire way. We check into the hotel and then walk around before supper.
As Emmett and I walk hand in hand, we pass a tattoo parlor. I stop and look at him.
“Are you kidding me?” he asks.
“No.” He looks confused, but follows me inside.
“Are you sure?” Emmett questions.
“More than anything in my life. I want to keep him near me,” I say as I pull the note from my back pocket.
We walk inside, and within the hour, I have the most beautiful signature on my left wrist. Love, Grandaddy. A permanent ink for a man who has a permanent place in my heart. I’m surprised at how the pain felt like it was healing my grieving heart. Emmett looks at it and smiles.
“It’s perfect, but you know he’s fussing for you doin’ that to your body, right?” he says.
“Yeah, well, I want him always, and this keeps him with me forever.” Emmett and I walk from the tattoo parlor and meet up with Cole, Tammy, Jordyn and Ridge. They quickly notice the plastic wrap on my wrist, and Cole’s eyes fill with tears when he sees the handwritten signature.
“Rae, he might be fussing right now, but deep down, he’s in love with it,” Cole says.
We enjoy supper at Hard Rock Café and then head back to the hotel to get ready for the game tomorrow.
The next morning, as we get ready to walk to Turner Field to see the Atlanta Braves play the Boston Redsox, I grab Grandaddy’s old Braves cap and put it on. My heart is heavy, knowing Grandaddy never got to witness a game live, but as we take our seats and I stare down at the ink on my left wrist, I know he’s with me. From this day forward, he continues to live through me. I will forever be his Sunshine, and I’m a better person because he shared his life with me.
