“He might not have said it,” said the orc, “but you can be sure he thought it.”
“You know how wizards are, ma’am,” said the ogre. “And since we’d prefer not having a tail, I’m afraid you’ll have to take your overdone kebabs and spoiled fish elsewhere.”
“This is ridiculous.” Regina reached toward the door.
The ogre latched onto her wrist, and the orc drew his sword halfway from its scabbard. Regina would’ve drawn her own except her other hand was occupied balancing her platter against her hip.
Regina stepped away from the door. The ogre released her, and the guards unsheathed their weapons. She was in poor temper, and she didn’t like being ordered around by a couple of grunts. Miriam hummed to herself, warming up her enchanted voice. But Regina would be damned if she let the siren solve this problem. Before blade or song could be unleashed, the door opened, and Ned stuck his head into the hall.
“Is there a problem here?”
“No, sir,” said the orc. “We were just getting rid of them.”
Ned glanced at the women, both of whom smiled and held up their meals.
“We brought your dinner, sir. Fresh smoked fish.” Miriam lifted the cover.
“And steak kebabs,” said Regina, “with potatoes and gravy.”
“We told them you weren’t hungry, sir,” said the orc.
“Please don’t turn us into newts,” said the ogre.
Ned’s glance passed over the offering and across the women’s eager smiles. He made a peculiar popping sound with his mouth.
“Thanks. Not hungry.”
He withdrew into his office and shut the door.
“You heard the man,” said the orc. “Now are you leaving, or do we have to get rough?”
Regina didn’t respond well to threats. Her face went red. She ground her teeth. She was three seconds from disemboweling the guards when Miriam put a hand on her shoulder.
“Come on, Archmajor. Let’s go.”
Regina grappled with her temper, but in the end she chalked the experience up to another one of those failures Ulga had prepared her for. There was no point in killing these guards; they were just doing their jobs. And if Miriam was walking away too, Regina could live with a draw this round.
The Amazon and the siren retreated in defeat.
“Your kebabs smell delicious,” said Miriam.
“Thanks.” Regina nodded to Miriam’s platter. “I love salmon. And what kind of wine is that?”
“Care for some dinner, Archmajor?”
They shared a smile that, if not outright friendly, was passably civil. Then they found an empty room with a table.
Miriam set aside the platter of devoured kebabs. “Did you cut those roses yourself, ma’am?”
“Yes.”
“Beautiful. So how was the salmon?”
“Delightful.” Regina took the last mouthful and pushed away the plate. “You didn’t try the potatoes.”
“I’m stuffed.” Miriam rubbed her stomach.
“At least have some of the gravy,” said Regina.
“Maybe later.”
They sat across the table, saying nothing, lost in their own thoughts, and enjoying their glasses of wine.
“What are we doing?” asked Regina.
“Ned, you mean?” Miriam hunched over the table and ran her fingers around the platter rim. “I don’t know. He doesn’t seem worth it, does he?”
“Look at us.” Regina glowered. “We’re two well-respected, intelligent women. We’re better than him.”
“He’s a bit of a loser actually.”
“You’re a siren, by all the gods of the sea and air. You can have any man you want.”
“And you’re a resplendent Amazon warrior. Any man would be grateful to share your bed.”
They clinked their glasses together.
“So what are we doing?” asked Regina again.
“I don’t know,” answered Miriam again. “Maybe I should just give up and let you have him.”
“Or maybe I should just give up and let you have him,” said Regina.
Miriam chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” asked Regina.
“Oh, nothing.” Miriam leaned back in her chair and put her feet on the table. “It’s just amusing how you still think you have a chance against me.”
“What?” Regina leaned forward and put her elbows on the table. “Are you implying I couldn’t seduce Ned away from you?”
“I’m not implying it. I’m saying it.”
“I thought I was a resplendent Amazon warrior. I thought any man here would be grateful to share my bed.”
“Oh, sure. As long as they couldn’t share mine.”
Regina’s voice took on a grave edge. “You’re a gods-damned fish.”
“And you’re a wrathful, man-hating she-wolf,” replied Miriam. Her fins raised into an aggressive posture.
“You’re lucky you’re not an Amazon. Or I’d teach you a lesson right here.”
“Don’t let that stop you, ma’am.”
They jumped to their feet. Miriam kicked the table aside, spilling food, utensils, and wine across the floor. Huffing and snarling, they stepped closer until there was less than an inch between them. Regina was taller by a good six inches, but Miriam hardly seemed intimidated.
“You don’t have a sword,” said Regina.
Miriam grinned through bared teeth. “I don’t need one.”
Bodies tense, eyes locked, they stood ramrod straight. Every breath was a snort of rage and disgust.
“What are we doing?” said Miriam. “Are we really going to kill each other over Ned?”
“I don’t know.” Regina heaved a weary sigh. “This is so confusing.”
Miriam shook her head and laughed softly. “Men. They make women do stupid things.”
Regina righted her chair and sat. “Do they always?”
“Almost always.”
They shared a giggle.
“I say screw him,” mumbled Regina.
“Yeah. Screw him!” shouted Miriam.
“Screw him!” they cheered in unison.
They righted the table and began cleaning up the mess.
“I mean, why are we fighting?” said Regina. “We’re sisters. No man should come between us.”
“That’s right.”
“And besides, it wouldn’t be right to fight you. I’m an Amazon, trained for combat. You’re just a siren.”
“Am I now?”
The humor drained from Miriam’s face, replaced by cool rage.
“Oh, yes,” said Regina. “Now if we were to settle the matter with a singing contest, perhaps a glee of some sort, I’m sure you’d have the advantage.”
“I’m sure,” agreed Miriam as she picked up a platter, raised it over her head, and crept up slowly behind Regina.
The door opened, and Ulga entered the room.
“There you are, ma’am. I guess it didn’t go so well.”
“No, not very well. Isn’t that right, Miriam?”
“No, ma’am.” Miriam set the platter on the table with an innocent smile. “Not very well at all.”
Twenty-three
THICK CLOUDS ROLLED over Copper Citadel the next morning, and dawn was dull and gray. Gabel, Frank, and Regina stood in the empty courtyard. The goblin bugler lay snoozing across some rubble.
“Where’s Ned?” asked Regina.
“He’s not coming,” replied Gabel. “He said he wouldn’t be coming to these morning assemblies anymore.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. He just said he wouldn’t. He didn’t bother explaining.”
“That doesn’t seem like Ned,” said Regina.
“How would you know?” said Gabel. “How would any of us know? He’s only been here four days. Can you really claim to know someone that well that soon? People are complex. You can’t just go by your first impression.”
Frank snorted.
“I suppose you have an opinion,”
said Gabel.
Frank shrugged. “Just doesn’t seem like Ned.”
Gabel smirked. “We can’t all have the amazing insight of an ogre.”
“Just because we’re big that doesn’t mean we’re dumb. I believe it was the great ogre philosopher Gary who observed that complexity is, generally speaking, an illusion of conscious desire. All things exist in as simple a form as necessity dictates. When a thing is labeled ‘complex,’ that’s just a roundabout way of saying you’re not observant enough to understand it.”
“Oh, and I infer that you understand everything then.”
“No, but I know enough to know that when I don’t it’s generally a flaw in me and not whatever I’m observing. But when it comes to Ned, there’s not a lot to observe. He’s pretty straightforward.”
“He doesn’t seem the deceptive type,” agreed Regina.
“Have you both lost your minds?” asked Gabel. “I don’t know what’s so special about him. He’s just someone in our way. Or have you forgotten that we all agreed to keep getting rid of these fools until one of us gets the promotion?”
“I don’t know,” said Frank. “I didn’t have any problem knocking off the other guys, but they were all jerks. Ned seems like a genuinely decent guy.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“Maybe,” agreed Frank. “That doesn’t mean I can’t like him.”
Gabel knew any appeal for reason from Regina was doomed. Rather than waste the effort, he went over and kicked the bugler. The goblin jumped to life, and after shaking himself to semi-alertness, he blew the call to assembly just as it started raining. Distantly, thunder rumbled. The rain grew harder, the wind colder. Gabel resented being exposed to this while Ned sat cozy and warm in his office.
It seemed out of character for their new commander, Gabel had to agree. He prided himself on being a good judge of men. He was at least as good as any ogre. And he had a fair idea of what Ned was like. His opinion didn’t differ much from Frank’s. Ned was decent, even likable in an unassuming way. But whereas Frank was easily fooled, Gabel was wisely wary. Ned was too unassuming, too plain. But Ned was also immortal at the very least and possibly a secret wizard as well. It didn’t add up. He was too damned unremarkable, too obviously mediocre to not be up to something. Regardless, he was still in Gabel’s way. He’d worked too hard, assassinated too many people to give up now.
Ogre Company still wasn’t used to getting up this early, but they were ready for it this morning and managed to shave five minutes off their previous assembly time. They didn’t appear happier for the effort. The hard rain didn’t do much to improve their mood, except for Miriam and Elmer who enjoyed a little extra moisture. Sally looked absolutely wretched, having taken on a pallid gray shade while rain-drops steamed on her scales. Though still dangerously warm to the touch, she shivered noticeably.
Gabel addressed the company briefly. For his own amusement he threw in an offhand remark about Ned wanting to behead every soldier just to study their twitching bodies. Then Gabel handed the company over to Frank, who started the soldiers running laps around the citadel, slipping and sloshing through the soggy earth while Gabel went to consult with the commander.
The sentries currently posted at Ned’s office weren’t nearly as devoted as the previous pair, and they allowed the officer to knock on the door. It opened, and Ned stuck his head out.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir,” said Gabel, “but I was wondering if I might have a word with you.”
Squinting, Ned appraised his first officer. “Just you?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Make it brief.”
Gabel stepped into Ned’s office to find it stripped to the walls. There was nothing in it except a mound of cushions. Gabel already knew this, having carried out the orders to have everything removed, but it was strange to see. The commander clutched a red staff, the same staff he’d used to transform the dragon wizard into a platypus.
Gabel hadn’t taken the time to dry off and stood in a puddle growing larger around his feet.
“Why are the men running in the rain?” asked Ned.
“Just whipping the company into proper fighting shape, sir. As per your instructions.”
Ned went to the window and glanced at the churning, gray sky. “But it’s awfully wet out there, isn’t it?”
“They don’t mind, sir.”
“They don’t?”
“There are some grumblings, sir. But you’ve got to expect that sort of thing with this lot. They haven’t had much discipline lately, but they’ll get used to it. I daresay soon they’ll wonder how they ever did without it.”
“Really?”
“Positively, sir.” Or, Gabel thought with a cheerful grin, they’ll storm your office and tear you to pieces. That should slow Ned down a bit, immortal or not.
Ned sat on the pile of cushions. It looked quite comfortable, but he was clearly uneasy. He wrung the staff. There was something different about Never Dead Ned, but Gabel couldn’t quite decipher it.
“What did you want to speak about?” asked Ned.
“Some of the others were wondering how much longer you planned on staying in here, sir.”
Ned wrung the staff tighter with whitened knuckles. His forearms tensed into knots. “I suppose it can’t be good for morale. Everyone out in that weather while I’m dry and warm in here.”
Gabel scoffed. He made a show of it because Ned didn’t seem particularly bright. “I wouldn’t worry, sir. The men know the chain of command. They understand you have important business to attend to.” He glanced about the empty room.
“I can explain this,” said Ned. “I can. Really.”
“Of course you can, sir.” The orc’s long, goblinlike ears tilted forward eagerly.
Ned hesitated. He got up and paced the opposite end of the room. “It’s complicated, but believe me, I have my reasons.”
“Of course you do, sir.” Gabel frowned briefly. He’d hoped for an explanation but hadn’t expected one. He was beginning to suspect that Ned had gone mad. If not full-blown insanity, then mildly unsound peculiarity. Gabel wouldn’t have been surprised. Secret wizard or not, a man couldn’t keep dying over and over again without being affected.
“Believe me, sir,” Gabel added, “I would never dare to question your orders. I trust your judgment implicitly. But there are a few others—I’d rather not name names, sir—who don’t believe in the strength of your command.”
He paused, waiting for Ned to ask for those names. Gabel would of course insist he couldn’t betray any confidences, and only after Ned ordered him would he relent with great reluctance. With a bit of a push it wouldn’t be difficult to get Ned to turn on Frank and Regina, thus forcing them to their senses.
But Ned didn’t ask, proving how difficult it could be to sow discord with a man who apparently lacked even the merest curiosity, much less suspicion. In all Gabel’s military career he’d never met anyone of noteworthy rank like Ned. The commander was an anomaly in Brute’s Legion, and probably in every army in the world.
Gabel didn’t trust anomalies. Anomalies didn’t happen. That was what made them anomalies. He scrutinized Ned more closely, trying to unwrap this puzzle. Everyone was up to something. There were no exceptions. Some might say this observation said as much about Gabel as anyone, but he knew better. The only difference between him and the rest of the world was that he didn’t bother to hide it from himself.
“Anything else?” asked Ned.
“No, sir, I guess not. Shall I tell the men you’ll be staying inside a few days longer?”
Something crossed Ned’s face. Some alien emotion wrinkled his brow and darkened his eye. “Yes. Just tell them ... tell them whatever you like.” His hands twisted the staff still tighter, and he frowned slightly.
“Yes, sir. I’ve got some paperwork to take care of.” Gabel saluted hastily and left. The image of Ned ran over and over in Gabel’s mind. Halfway across the citadel he stopped dead in the pou
ring rain. And he smiled.
Never Dead Ned was afraid.
It was really quite obvious. Gabel only had trouble placing the emotion because he’d never seen Ned afraid before. His most reliable emotions tended to be indifferent annoyance, disinterested indifference, annoyed confusion, and confused disinterest. Even when the dragon had attacked him, Ned seemed more confused than terrified. And why shouldn’t he be? What terror could force an immortal to lock himself in an empty office?
Thunder cracked the sky as Gabel stifled a sinister chuckle. “He’s not immortal anymore.”
The idea was certainly worth exploring, but he wasn’t one to act on his own. He considered himself more of a plotter, the mind behind the muscle. He couldn’t go to either Frank or Regina. They couldn’t be trusted. He needed someone else, someone who disliked Ned. Ogre Company was full of soldiers who wouldn’t mind seeing Ned dead, but Gabel couldn’t pick just anyone. He needed someone he could rely on. Someone who would kill Ned in the blink of an eye. Someone who could take the fall if Gabel was wrong and Ned was still immortal.
A line of soldiers jogged briskly beside him. They all looked soggy and miserable and ill-tempered. But one in particular possessed that hint of murder in his beady ogre eyes. Gabel pulled that one out of formation.
“Yeah?” asked gravedigger Ralph. “What is it?”
“What would you say if I told you I knew a way to insure that you would never have to run in the rain again?”
Ralph wiped at the water cascading down his slanted forehead to dribble in his eyes. “Who do I have to kill?”
Twenty-four
IT RAINED THE next day as well. And the next. And the next. Ned grew restless sitting alone in his office, but the dreary weather encouraged him to keep to his plan. It wasn’t much of a plan, but so far it’d worked. He’d gone four days without dying, a new record for him as commander of Ogre Company. He hadn’t even come close to perishing. The worst incident had been some possibly undercooked chicken brought for his supper on the second day. He’d sent it back with a sense of grand accomplishment. Nothing could touch him while he remained safely tucked away within these four bare walls. Nothing but boredom.
He tried conversing with the speaking staff, but none of the talks went well. The staff seemed to get more bored and irritated as time passed. Ned’s questions were met with snide insults. The staff, never particularly courteous, became downright obnoxious.
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