by Martha Long
‘What, Ralph?’ I said, seeing him stop what he was saying, then just stare at me, looking at my head resting on his arm.
He moved in, pulling my face close to him. ‘I love you,’ he breathed, barely above a whisper.
I could taste and feel his warm breath wafting in through my half-open mouth.
‘You are so wonderful, darling, so extraordinary, you never cease to amaze me,’ he smiled, shaking his head as he slowly searched my face, with his eyes looking so soft. ‘Yes,’ he whispered. ‘I love you so very much,’ he nodded, letting his eyes rest on my lips.
I stared back, leaving my mouth half-open, drinking him in, desperately loving him. I wanted to imprint every line, every facial movement of him, to have it all deeply etched in my memory. I wanted this moment, this time, to last for ever.
He suddenly bent in closer, dropping his face to let his lips rest on mine. I could feel the soft moistness and the warmth as a surge of heat and a tingling electricity started to roar up, locking our lips together. It was threatening to explode a raw passion, bursting it into life. But before it could even be born, he gently pulled his head back. Then he lifted his face, looking at me, and I could see it – the softness and the languid look in his eyes as they settled on mine. I knew he was letting me see his raw need and the desire not to stop. He wanted to take that pulsating raw passion all the way to the end. Just like he could see I was letting my deep longing for him show in my open face and my mouth slack with desire.
I sighed, saying, ‘How much wine did I drink?’
‘Enough for now, darling,’ he laughed. ‘Or would you have me carry you to the car, then take you home to bed?’
‘Eh?’ I said, getting the lovely picture of that.
He laughed, seeing me thinking, and said, ‘But you will miss the best yet to come.’
‘Oh! What’s that?’ I said, feeling my heart leap with excitement, wondering what could be better than this.
‘Madame Bouclé’s cordon bleu! She is a marvellous cook!’ he laughed, seeing my face drop, knowing what I was thinking.
‘Hmm! You are the boss, Ralph. I intend following your lead. So, lead on!’ I said, breaking away from him to reach for a last cigarette.
He leaned over to take the bill just handed to him by the waiter who was wearing the dinner suit. I saw him whip out his wallet then stick some notes inside, saying, ‘Yes, I think we should finish up the afternoon and perhaps steer the car for home. What would you think, Martha?’
‘Yes,’ I said, as the waiter suddenly reappeared, holding out my fur coat.
‘Ready?’ he said, waiting as I fixed my coat, then he took hold of my arm, leading me out the door, heading for the car.
I lay back in the seat, feeling warm and soft and relaxed as I looked over at Ralph. He stared back with a smile in his eyes, saying nothing.
‘Thank you, Ralph, I really enjoyed this afternoon,’ I whispered, seeing him getting ready to start the engine and drive off.
‘Martha, the pleasure for me was in your charming company,’ he said slowly, looking like he wanted to give me another kiss. But then he grinned and winked at me before starting the engine and driving off.
I took in a big sigh, wishing I could wrap my arms around him and just melt into him.
6
‘More wine, Martha?’ Ralph said, holding up the bottle as I smoked my cigarette.
‘Yes, please,’ I said, pushing over my glass.
‘Let us take our drinks inside,’ he said, looking back at the table covered in our dirty dishes from the evening meal.
‘No, let us get the table cleared and the stuff put away first,’ I said, walking back and landing my glass on the table.
‘Oh, no, Martha! Please allow me to do that. I want you to rest, you need to build up your strength,’ he laughed, looking at me giving him a dirty look.
‘Ralph, I am not helpless. My health is well recovering, believe you me. Look at me, for God’s sake!’ I said, looking down at my silk frock that clung to all my lovely growing curves. Another one of Blondie’s presents! Oh, it will be great to see her. Just wait until she hears all about me and Ralph!
‘Look at me,’ I said. ‘Do I look undernourished to you?’
He stood staring at the length and breadth of me, letting his eyes rest on my curves. ‘Hmm, you are filling out nicely,’ he said, showing his dimples in a smile to break my heart with the longing in me for him. ‘But, darling, you are still fragile, believe me. Listen to the voice of wisdom. I speak now as your doctor,’ he said, wrapping his arms around my stomach as he came up behind me. ‘I am not brooking any disobedience from you, my cherished one. Off with you, put up your feet and let me spoil you! Hmm?’ he whispered, breathing into my ear and smelling my hair. ‘You have glorious hair,’ he said, letting his hands stroke it.
I turned around and wrapped my arms around his neck. ‘Do you really love me, Ralph?’
He stared, saying nothing, then pulled me tighter into him. ‘Yes, I do. I wish I could love you completely,’ he said, letting his face lower, looking like his lips were going to touch mine.
‘Do you want to kiss me?’
‘Yes, that and a lot more, darling. I want to drown in you!’
‘So, what do you mean, you wish you could love me more?’
‘I am not free to do that.’
‘Oh!’ I sighed, letting out a huge sigh of resignation. Not wanting to draw him out. Knowing what the answer would be.
‘Now go, please. I will join you shortly, as soon as I have cleared up this mess,’ he said.
‘OK,’ I said, swooping down to pick up my drink and wafting out of the room in a cloud of smoke, puffing like mad to ease my frustration at not being able to draw him out into a real discussion on what he is planning on doing in the future. Then I turned back and said at the door, after thinking of something, ‘Well, Ralph Fitzgerald. As my doctor, you are not supposed to be leading poor me, a helpless woman, a patient!’ I sniffed, ‘astray! I’m having you up before the medical council for disorderly conduct!’ I snorted, then turned and sashayed out the door, wriggling my arse.
‘What!’ he roared. ‘You little minx! Get back here and apologise at once!’
‘Never!’ I boomed, putting me head back in the door, then vanishing out, getting myself moving.
‘I warn you, Martha! You know I do not take threats lightly,’ he said, laughing as he made out the door after me.
‘Oh, bleedin hell!’ I laughed, looking for something to throw at him.
He came tearing in the door, saying, ‘Martha! Where are you? Stand your ground and face me. I intend taking you to task for this outrageous impertinence!’
I flew out from behind the door, dumping my shoes behind me, and shot through the hall, making a breakneck dive for the stairs.
Immediately he was thundering up behind my heels. I screamed with the laugh, hauling meself up the stairs.
‘Come back, you are only making it worse for yourself,’ he warned.
‘Don’t be silly, you are too bloody old now, to catch a spring chicken like me,’ I panted, thinking how I called him an old man once when he did the very same thing – chase me for all he was worth – back that awful, wonderful day all those years ago in the forest! My heart thumped and I felt eighteen again. All the feelings of joy and youth were coursing through my veins. Never again after that had I felt such joy.
‘Oh, Ralph! You will never catch up with me,’ I screamed, hauling myself onto the landing, making for the bathroom.
I was just in the door, sending it flying behind me, when he thudded into it, getting it slammed against him.
‘Oh, rot!’ he moaned, hesitating for a split second while I wondered if he was all right. Then the door flew open, sending me flying backwards to land on my arse! I tried to scramble to my feet, but he was too quick. He hauled me to my feet and grabbed me, carrying me kicking and screaming out the door.
‘Come along! Take your punishment like a man,’ he said, turn
ing me across his arm, giving me a little tap, then pinning me against the landing wall with his body pushed up tight against me. Then he wrapped me in his arms and kissed me hard on the mouth, holding me tight and stroking my body. Then he pushed himself away and grinned up at me, panting like mad. My body was on fire with the electricity flying through me. I could see him shaking and his face was pale, with his eyes glittering for the want of me!
‘Now, my sweet, cherished, divine woman. Tell that to the medical council!’ he ordered. Then he hesitated, with his head going for the door, then looked at me again and decided to keep going straight out the door and down the stairs.
I stayed where I was, still in shock from what just happened. It was the unexpected, the suddenness of it all! I marvelled, feeling me chest heave up and down, while my heart went like the clappers, with me still trying to catch my breath.
Later on, I lay on the sofa listening to Ralph talk about his work in the Congo.
‘Oh, the mission was hundreds of miles deep into the jungle. It took hours to get to the nearest civilisation,’ he said. ‘Goodness, I remember some chaps and I had to take a trip across tracks which had dried out in muddy hard concrete hills, and we were travelling in a dreadfully uncomfortable Land Rover that had no suspension. We were bounced like rubber balls all over the place. My head kept hitting the ceiling. And our driver was a lunatic! Quite bloody mad. He insisted on taking every turn and hill at full throttle. Making us roar like gibbering fools as we clutched on to our seats,’ he laughed, roaring like a maniac. ‘I wanted to knock his bloody block off,’ Ralph said, still getting the picture as his jaw tightened and he took in a deep slow breath, obviously not forgiving or forgetting.
Gawd, he can be quite fierce, I thought, seeing that side of him. But he is too much of a gentleman to ever lose control. I love him for his kindness and his strength, and his dedication and commitment to something he sets his heart on. I love him for so many things. I loved him once as a father, a mother a brother. Then it changed as I grew. I wanted all of him for myself. Body and soul.
I watched him sip his wine as he sat looking very thoughtful, lost in his memories. ‘We did indeed have to do a lot of travelling from one medical mission to another. Some were so remote it took days of travel through some very hostile terrain just to reach them.’
‘What did you do, Ralph, in the mission hospitals?’
‘Oh, ask more what we did not do. We had a hospital set up for leprosy.’
‘Lepers?’ I screeched.
‘Yes, of course. You will find it in Africa,’ he said, looking at me, astonished by my ignorance.
‘How many of you were there, Ralph?’
‘Oh, I was the only missionary priest doctor. There were quite a few native medically trained staff. Nurses mostly, and, of course, we had people from abroad. Our German doctor, Helmut, he was very competent. Quite a likeable chap. We got on very well. We also had two Irish nurses. One from Northern Ireland and the other from south of the border. Eileen! She was a ticket! I enjoyed her immensely,’ he laughed. ‘The mothers and children loved her. She was awfully good with them. Quite the polyglot, too, she was. She could speak six of the native dialects. We would bellow for her when someone came in from the bush with a strange dialect.’
I listened, watching his face change and light up with the mention of ‘Eileen’, the bleedin polyglot!
‘The nearest priest was actually two hundred miles away, driving through treacherous terrain. I would drive there perhaps one a year, just to check up on him, see how things were going. We also had an order of nuns, two of them in fact, both doctors with whom I also helped out.
‘Geraldine was an astonishing woman,’ he said. ‘She ran a very fine hospital. Mostly we dealt with tropical diseases. It was dreadful when a plague broke out. Then it would spread like wildfire. We would expect to work and travel for weeks on end, feeling lucky to grab a bit of shut-eye, two hours over a period of days on the trot,’ he said, sighing.
‘So, what brought you home, Ralph?’
‘Oh, the workload, the climate – it wears you down and eventually you become burnt-out! Most of the overseas workers stay no more than a few years. Then one must simply take a break. I stayed sixteen years, then . . . No more! I upped sticks and came home. One becomes less than useless when the challenge is no longer there. So, here we are, my darling. Now we have turned full circle. You are here with me, and I am once again reunited with you. How wonderful and glorious that is,’ he said, coming over and pulling me to my feet. ‘I wonder how it is I ever managed without you. Goodness, I thought I was delirious when you turned up at my door,’ he said, throwing his head back and roaring laughing. ‘I must say, you are improving with each day,’ he said, holding my shoulders back to look at me. Then he sighed and pulled me in to him. ‘Come, let us go to the kitchen and get something to drink. What would you like? Tea coffee wine, hot chocolate, or . . . Your wish is my command. I just want you with me for company,’ he said, taking my hand and dragging me off behind him.
‘What do you mean, Ralph, when you say, “managed without me”?’
‘What?’ he said, staring into the fridge, looking to see where the milk was.
‘It’s at the side, bottom shelf,’ I said, making a grab for it.
‘Oh,’ he said, now just hearing what I asked him. ‘I mean, darling, you have grown on me so quickly. I find it lonely when you are not by my side. Oh, I know you are in the house, but it is as if something is missing. Like I feel hollow, empty in the silence without your presence close to me.’
‘Really?’ I said, wondering if that was important. Would it make him come to a decision about us? But I dare not bring that up. If he had something to tell me, there is no better man to do it. So I kept quiet, saying nothing.
‘Yes, darling, really!’ he laughed, suddenly lunging for me and lifting me off my feet, swinging me around, holding on close to me.
I screamed, feeling myself going around with him, terrified I would fly out of his arms. Jesus, I just had a feeling of déjà vu!
‘What was it?’ he said, putting me back on my feet and holding me until I got steadied.
‘Being thrown at the ceiling and flying through the air, then feeling pain,’ I half-laughed. ‘Getting fractured pictures of it and sensations of fear and terror and the suddenness of it.’
‘So, it appears you were thrown but not caught,’ he said, looking at me very carefully.
I stayed still, holding on to that vague memory. ‘Yes, Jesus, I must have been only a baby. Because I know I can remember back as far as being around fifteen months old!’
‘Good God! You can remember that far back?’ he said, half-smiling at me, looking amazed.
‘Yes, I was standing in a cot and my mother appeared. I was barely walking at the time. She came to claim me back from a home for adoptive babies. I was up for adoption.’
‘How do you know all this?’
‘Well, she used to go on about the fact I was nearly adopted from a home in Dublin. I knew the place she was talking about. It was run by nuns. And I remember her taking me home. In fact, I remember her wheeling me there in a go-car with my legs sticking out between the cloth over the bar in the middle. I remember she used to put up the footrest when I was sleeping! Oh, I remember every incident of that particular time. The room, the cots, the nurse at the desk in the middle of the room. I remember my mother was wearing red lipstick. She put out her arms when I woke up suddenly, seeing her standing at the end of the cot. Yes, she was smiling at me,’ I said, wondering where I was getting all this from. It was all suddenly coming back to me.
‘Just because you swung me around, Ralph!’ I said, looking at him, seeing him staring at me, listening very intently. I shook my head in amazement. Not able to get over the fact I could remember that from all those many years ago.
‘Yes,’ he said slowly and quietly, putting his arms around me and stroking my hair. ‘It would appear you are getting flashbacks, darling. That one wa
s triggered indeed by me,’ he said, sounding very worried. ‘Come, darling. Would you like me to make you some delicious hot chocolate? I’m awfully good at making that stuff,’ he whispered to me, leading me to the table and sitting me down.
‘Yes, that sounds great,’ I said, feeling myself begin to lift out of that time, that memory. ‘It wasn’t unpleasant, you know, Ralph. That particular time, with my mother. I don’t think so anyway! It was, in fact, a happy memory. Because I think I was pining for her. I know I wouldn’t let go of her skirt after she picked me up and then set me standing on the floor beside her. I know I was terribly anxious then, all right. But it worked out. I remember she asked the nurse for clothes for me. She said she was taking me home. The nurse told her she would have to check with the nun in charge. I remember watching her disappear down a little passage. I understood my mother was anxious, too. I could feel it.’
Ralph sighed, then appeared over beside me with a mug of hot chocolate and a coffee for himself. ‘Yes, darling, it would seem your past may now be coming to the fore. All the bad memories that have lain hidden are coming back at you. In a way, darling, it is a good thing. It proves you are growing stronger. This is clearly related to your difficulty when you hit rock bottom, as you said. Now your emotions are trying to heal. This could continue for many years to come. It depends on how much damage has been done to you,’ he said, suddenly sniffing.
I looked up to see him turn away and rush to the trough, looking out into the lawns.
‘What’s wrong, Ralph?’
‘Nothing, darling, just give me a minute, please, to collect myself,’ he said, holding on to the big old stone sink.
He’s upset by what I just told him, I thought, feeling upset myself now. I had done that. Spoilt everything by talking about the untalkable! I had never done that before. Never even thought about it, never mind talked about it.
‘I’m sorry,’ I muttered, getting up to walk out and find me cigarettes.
‘No! Stop! Where are you going?’ he said. ‘Darling, please! I’m sorry! I’m not deliberately being insensitive.’
