by Frank Carey
One oddity was the wallpaper on the parlor's south wall. Every wallpaper job that Harvey had ever seen had only one pattern on a wall, but this one had two which met in the center of the wall. They clashed badly and reminded of Harvey of two armies squaring off for battle. Upon closer examination, Harvey saw that both patterns consisted of a mixture of different types of military personnel from different eras. The left side was predominantly blue in color while the right was red. Whoever chose these patterns had very strange taste in design, but Harvey thought it would be inspiring.
That night Harvey sat at the massive desk across the room from the strange wallpaper. He wanted to get some writing in, and what better place to do it than the parlor. As Harvey sat and wrote, he heard a strange sound come from the oddly wallpapered wall. He walked over to the wall to get a better listen. Sure enough, it was a bugle calling a cavalry charge. As Harvey looked closer, the patterns of the two wallpapers were moving and forming skirmish lines.
“What the hell?” Harvey said as he stared, mesmerized by the unfolding battle. As he watched, he heard popping noises as small objects whizzed past his head. Too late, he realized that both armies had targeted him with cannon fire.
Harvey dove behind a huge chair for cover as someone targeted him with a Gatling gun and stitched a line of bullet holes across the back of the chair. When he looked over the back of the chair, he saw a squadron of tiny planes heading his way with machine guns blazing.
Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, he stood up and tried surrendering to the Lilliputian armies, which seemed to enrage them more. Without warning, Harvey heard the distinctive sound of rocket motors as a flight of missiles launched toward him from both sides of the battlefield. He dove behind the massive desk just as the missiles impacted the floor where he had been standing.
As the smoke from the missile strike dissipated, Harvey took a chance and dove for one of the doors. A massive victory cheer rose from the two armies as he disappeared into the hallway.
The victory celebration was short-lived as Harvey ran back into the room carrying two pails of wallpaper remover, which he threw on the two warring armies. Soon, trumpets sounding retreat played across the wall as the two wallpapers crumpled to the floor, forming two soggy, yet quiet, piles.
The next day, as Harvey carted the destroyed papers to the trash, he had the momentary urge to play taps for the two fallen armies of the Wallpaper War.
Ramses
The last blow to his chest plate almost took Ramses down for the count. As he staggered away from Berserker, he knew that he could not take much more of this. His damage control subsystems were threatening to quit, and his current risk assessment system was flashing the infinity symbol. Ramses knew that he had to end this battle before it ended him. As he crawled away from the Berserker, he thought back to twenty-four hours ago, when the only thing he had to worry about was being late to see Dr. Clare.
“Ramses, a minute more and you would be late,” Dr. Clare chided the battle robot.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Clare, but I found a bunny trapped behind the perimeter fence, and I had to free him. I couldn’t risk the little guy having a face-to-face meeting with a mowbot.”
“Well then, Ramses, you have done well. Now, let us get to our lesson.”
Ramses was a prototype battle robot complete with advanced artificial intelligence, augmented strength, agility, speed, and enough weaponry to fight a border war. What he was missing was even a hint of aggression.
Watching from a nearby control room were General Tomas and another roboticist, Dr. Tong.
“Dr. Tong, I understand that Berserker is ready for a test run. Can you have it ready in Combat Bay 3 in an hour?”
“Yes General. That will not be a problem.”
“Good. Make it so.”
At the appointed time, the general, Dr. Tong, Dr. Clare, and Ramses, assembled in Combat Bay 3. The general turned and motioned to Dr. Tong to begin. Dr. Tong picked up a control pad and keyed a code into the pad, which opened a pair of massive doors at the far end of the bay. A rumbling came through the doors as the four attendees watched.
A nightmare robot trundled through the doors into the bay. Like Ramses, it was track driven, but that was where the similarities ended. The behemoth was half-again as large as Ramses and festooned with weapons. The thing looked evil.
“Lady and gentlemen, this is Berserker. Berserker, say hello.”
Berserker brought out every weapon it had and showed it to them in a display of arrogance and hostility that would make Cerberus, the three-headed dog of Hell, proud.
Ramses trundled up to the nightmare and introduced himself.
“Berserker, my name is Ramses. Nice to meet you.”
Berserker looked down at Ramses with three red glowing eyes. After a moment, Berserker backhanded Ramses into a wall while spraying the room with gunfire from a pair of low-mounted Gatling guns. The general grabbed Dr. Clare and threw the both of them behind an old half-track. Dr. Tong was cut in half while he tried in vain to deactivate Berserker.
Berserker headed towards the general and Dr. Clare. Before he reached them, though, Ramses rolled in front of him and let loose with a barrage of gunfire, aiming to take out Berserker’s offensive armament. Ramses was partially successful, which enraged Berserker. It pummeled Ramses until Ramses was forced to retreat. As Ramses put distance between himself and Berserker, he came up with a plan to deal with the killer robot
As Berserker struggled to bring his damaged systems online, Ramses trundled over to where the two humans were hiding.
“General, I need you to call main control and have them evacuate the complex, and open every door between here and the fusion furnace, including the main furnace doors. Dr. Clare, I need you to pull my inhibitors, all of them. I can’t fight this thing while being nice.”
The general got on the phone and issued the necessary orders, while Clare pulled the packs from Ramses' side.
“Now, get out of here. I have some unpleasantness I have to attend to,” Ramses said as he turned to face his opponent. “Hey, butt-ugly, let’s dance,” Ramses said as he unleashed a barrage of death at the giant robot. This time he was aiming to kill.
As Ramses fired, he rolled past the startled Berserker and headed down the hallway toward the fusion furnace.
The hallway ended at an observation widow in the wall of the furnace. Just before reaching the window, Ramses came to an abrupt stop. Unable to stop in time, Berserker slammed into Ramses, driving both of them through the window and down into the belly of the furnace. Behind them, the big safety doors closed, sealing their fates.
There was silence in the control room as the reality of the situation sank in. Clare stormed out of the room, shocked at the fate of her friend and student.
She returned to the classroom, sat in Ramses chair, and broke down crying. Her mourning was interrupted by the general entering the room followed by a robot
“General, I’m really not in the mood, right now.”
“Dr. Clare, I am gladdened to see that you are unhurt, as am I.”
Dr. Clare looked at the robot in disbelief.
“How?” she asked the general.
“When I called the control room, I remembered that we had a Mark 36 Biped on the table ready for an upload, so I transferred Ramses into the M36 at the last moment. That’s why Ramses stopped so suddenly. That body was dead as a brick when Berserker hit it.”
Clare ran over and hugged the big robot, and he gently hugged her back. She then hugged the general while whispering “thank you” in his ear. When she turned back to Ramses, she saw him heading off to the yard, intent on saving another rabbit from an evil mowbot. She sighed, relieved that the universe had returned to normal, at least for now.
Debts
“What do you mean redirect to Dark Star Mine 18? It's an automated mine with no personnel, no AI, and a lot of machinery. What would I do there? Throw rocks?”
“The security system dete
cted an unscheduled landing there three days ago. A security team was sent, but they are yelling for help. Since you are nearby, we thought you wouldn’t mind checking it out.”
“OK, you do realize that I usually work jobs involving things a little more serious than someone parking in a tow away zone.”
“The team said they had found an alien ship of unknown origin and the pilot had holed-up in the mine.”
“I’m on my way. My ETA is three hours at present speed. Will I have any backup?”
“Nope, it's just you this time. The security team has been ordered to dust-off and monitor from orbit.”
“Lovely.”
“Good luck, Hunter. HQ out.”
“Thank you, I think. Royce out.”
Royce changed course and headed towards the mining planet. Royce landed in the center of the main mining complex, next to the alien ship. As the dust settled, he exited his ship and walked over to inspect the alien craft.
The ship was about the size of Royce’s and definitely not human. Royce noted that there was a line of blast pits stitched down its length, a sure sign it had been in a recent gunfight.
He looked around and saw footprints heading toward the mine entrance. Royce pulled his pistol and followed the tracks into the mine.
It was dark inside except for the emergency lights. Per procedure, all mining activities ceased when the intruder entered the perimeter. This was for the safety of the intruder, since an active mine can be a very dangerous place to take a stroll.
The footprints continued past several large machines and stopped at an open door labeled “Parts Depot.” Royce quietly walked through the door.
Inside, a space suited figure was trying to access a catalog terminal. Its suit radio was on, so Royce could hear a lot of muttering and cursing. Royce briefly accessed the mine’s central computer and got the passwords to the system.
“Umm, try “narwhale” for the username and “luggage tag” for the password. That should get you in,” he said as he holstered his pistol.
The figure spun around, startled at hearing a voice on the radio. Royce smiled.
“Hello, my name is Royce. I am the Hunter assigned to this sector. What’s your name?”
“I’m Nalla, First Daughter of Cryss, Fourteenth Emperor of the Systeen Empire. Why aren’t you wearing a space suit? How do you breathe?”
“Damn, I knew I forgot something. I’m an artificial intelligence, and this body is robotic. It doesn’t need a space suit, though I usually wear one for the sake of style. Nice to meet you,” he said as he offered Nalla his hand.
Nalla hesitantly shook his hand. She seemed worried.
“I need to get off this planet and back to my home. Daddy will know what to do.”
“What happened?”
“I snuck into McGuffy’s with a false ID and lost a few times at the tables. I left in a hurry, and they sent someone after me.”
“How much?”
“50,000 Lumpokes.”
“Ouch. Systeen Empire? Haven’t heard of it. Is it nearby?”
“Few light years out from the Casino. We’ve been dealing with the Casino for centuries.”
“Do you know who they sent after you?”
“Someone called Glorp.”
Glorp was bad. The only way to get Glorp off her trail was if she was dead.
“Princess? Are you there, sweetie? I won’t hurt you, I just want the money you owe us,” a voice said over the radio. It was Glorp.
Royce motioned Nalla to switch frequencies.
“OK, he can’t hear us now. I have a plan. Is there anything aboard your ship you need?”
“No. What do you want with my ship? It can’t take off, the engines were on the verge of overloading when I landed, which is why I’m scrounging for parts.”
“Perfect, now stay here until I call you.” Royce walked back outside and opened a channel to Glorp.
“This is Royce, Hunter. Identify yourself, over.”
“This is Glorp. I am pursuing Nalla for failure to pay a debt. This is outside your jurisdiction, Hunter. Stand down, over.”
“Sorry, Glorp, she stole parts from the depot. She's mine, over.”
“Forget it, Hunter, I'm not leaving without her or the money.”
As they argued, a figure ran from another mine entrance to Nalla’s ship. It entered, started the engines, and slowly took off.”
“Nalla, stop, there is too much damage! Your ship will blow,” Royce’s voice called out over the radio. Too late, the ship exploded in a ball of light and debris.
“Too bad. At least she signed an insurance form designating the casino as a beneficiary. So young, so sad. See you around, Hunter,” Glorp said as he took off.
When Glorp was gone, Royce called Nalla out of hiding. She joined him as he surveyed her destroyed ship.
“Daddy is going to kill me!”
“You’re lucky I found a spare android body that matched your size and shape. Isn’t Mcguffy’s going to be surprised when they try to cash in the policy they had on you?”
Royce led Nalla to his ship while he contacted HQ.
“The security team will be down to clean up this mess. When we get underway, you'll need to call your father and brief him. HQ would love to talk to him, if you could arrange it.”
“Daddy’s going to have my hide,” Nalla said gloomily.
“At least you’re alive. Now, let me show you some tricks I use to beat the Casino,” Royce said as he pulled out a deck of cards. "This is called sleight of hand. Now, watch closely."
But Wait! There’s More
“It's new, it's improved, and it's revolutionary. Why wait for the mailman to deliver your purchase? Why go out in the elements to pick up your stuff. Now, you can have your purchase in your hand the moment you pay for it when you use the patented, nifty, revolutionary Stuff-O-Matic…”
David turned off the sound as the TV pitchman continued to tell everyone about the Stuff-O-Matic! Jeez, who comes up with this stuff, he thought as he got back to work.
Dr. David Madison, Ph.D.’s in engineering, mathematics, and physics, and the inventor of the transmat pad, a.k.a. the Stuff-O-Matic, examined the latest version of his invention. Simply put, the transmat pad allowed users to buy things on the web and have them materialize on the pad when the transaction was complete. Big things, little things, it didn’t matter; if you bought it you could have it then and there. Let’s say you want a car. You find it on the web, pay for it, and then point the pad at an open spot on the ground. If everything is safe, the pad will materialize a car in the spot you chose. Small things were even easier. Once you paid, the item would materialize on the pad. No fuss, no muss, no problems.
The ringing phone interrupted David as he was getting started.
“Hello, this is David.”
“Doctor, this is Det. Harrington with the police. We have a situation that requires your expertise.”
“Not a problem, Detective. Where are you?”
The Detective gave him the address. Shortly, David was wending his way through afternoon traffic.
David arrived on scene to find squad cars and police everywhere. A uniformed officer escorted him to Det. Harrington, who was talking to several officers.
“Det. Harrington? I’m Dr. David Madison. You called about a situation?”
As an answer, the police officers stepped aside to reveal a transmat pad lying on the ground next to a spilled cup of coffee.
“Dr. Madison, about an hour ago, 11:42 AM to be exact, a Ms. Johnson was making a purchase using her pad. When she finished paying for the item the pad started a transmat cycle, but instead of materializing the item—a pair of shoes—the pad dematerialized Ms. Johnson. We checked with the main terminal and no one came out the other end. She is gone.”
“Detective, what you are describing is patently impossible. Pads cannot transmit or receive living material, not a bacterium, nor an elephant. It is impossible.”
“Doctor, Ms. Johnson’s fr
iend, a Ms. Smith, was standing next to Ms. Johnson when the impossible event occurred. She was able to capture it on her phone,” the Detective said as he handed the phone over to David. David watched in horror, and then handed the phone back to the Detective.”
I need to go back to the lab and check this out. Can you email me the ID of Ms. Johnson’s pad as well as a copy of Ms. Smith’s video?”
“Of course, Doctor. Let us know what you find.”
When David got back to his lab, he called his supervisor and filled her in on what had occurred. A team of techs was assigned to do checks and back-traces on Ms. Johnson’s pad while another team analyzed Ms. Smith’s video. An answer was soon found. They had a hacker.
While the team was investigating Ms. Johnson’s disappearance, five more people disappeared into their pads. Traces showed that they were taken off-grid to a location in Wyoming. It looked like kidnapping for ransom, but no one came forward with demands. Without more information, they couldn’t pinpoint the kidnapper’s location. Then David had an idea. The kidnapper had hacked into the return purchase system and was able to bypass the ‘living’ filter, activate the return function, and reroute the returned item to a specific pad. All they had to do was wait for that pad to initiate a return, then route the request to a pad of their choosing, which would have an assault team waiting.
Eventually, the trap was sprung and the assault team was transported to the kidnapper’s location. When they arrived, the team found themselves facing a masked individual who ran off to another part of the house. The team followed the kidnapper to a large room that was empty except for a large, glowing disk in the center. The kidnapper ran up on the disk as he pulled off his mask and turned to face the assault team. He wasn’t human. A moment later, the disk flashed and the kidnapper was gone.
The assault team found the kidnapped people unconscious, but unharmed. Each one, though, had obviously had a blood sample taken sometime after arriving at the kidnapper’s location.
Later that day, David was able to determine how the kidnapper had hacked the system, so he was able to remove the exploits the kidnapper had used. Who was the kidnapper and why perform blood tests on the victims? David thought as he turned off the lights and exited the lab, locking the door behind him.
