The reward for our perseverance was a view of a monastery set in the most incredible spot. It was built on a small hill which, in turn, was dominated by huge cliffs behind the settlement soaring up to about thirteen thousand feet. The three of us leapt out of the van and started snapping frantically at the view like it was going to disappear any minute. Reluctantly we allowed the guide to drag us away and we followed him round the side of the monastery, off towards the base of the cliffs. As we got closer to the wall of rock I noticed scraps of cloth caught in the bushes around us. I asked the guide what they were and he replied simply, ‘Clothes.’
Puzzled I followed him into a clearing and he pointed at the ground. ‘Sky burial site.’
The grass was covered in shards of bone, scraps of cloth and, rather gruesomely, a full head of hair like someone had been recently scalped. We listened, fascinated as he told us about the ritual of sky burial where corpses are dismembered and left for the vultures. The other two women were slightly revolted and eager to move on but I stayed behind for a couple of minutes enjoying the tranquillity of the spot. It was incredibly atmospheric to stand on such a site and hear the cries of eagles from the cliffs and the musical instruments of the monks drifting up from the monastery below us in some sort of discordant harmony.
On the way back into town we were stopped by an anxious-looking local woman. She had a hurried conversation with the driver who promptly parked us up a side street and abandoned us. We later discovered that some foreigners had been in a car accident and the police were checking that all local drivers were licensed to carry ‘laowai’. Ours, it seems, was not. We howled with laughter later thinking of how conspicuous a mini-van full of western women parked in an alley must have looked to passers-by. It’s been an amazing day and the joy of it is that it’s all mine. I don’t have to worry about accounting for my time and I won’t have to report back and give a full description of my companions. I’m totally free from the fetters of my past life, I’m living for myself and not having to predict the consequences of my actions. I don’t have to give a toss about anything but myself.
VI
‘Hey, you awake?’
Kai looked up from the magazine that she’d been trying to read to find Ellen grinning at her from the doorway. It was a shock to see the therapist and at first Kai was unsure how to respond. Her instincts told her to be wary of someone who had the tools to prize open her psyche but Ellen’s smile was hard to resist and Kai felt her own lips curving in answer.
‘Barely,’ she replied. ‘I’ve already read this magazine twice. I’m tempted to write to the problem page and ask for some help and a more recent issue, not necessarily in that order.’
Ellen’s grin broadened. ‘Well, I could be just what the doctor ordered. In fact, I am the doctor, so what I say goes.’ She crossed the room and slumped in the bedside chair crossing her legs and shuffling around to get comfortable.
‘So, are you here to mess with my head again?’ Kai teased, uncertain about whether she’d prefer a positive or negative answer. She didn’t feel like another hypnotherapy session so soon after the last one, not while she was still trying to make sense of the little that she had been able to remember, to make some shapes out of the static. The problem was that she was worried about forcing the hazy images into something she wanted to be there rather than something she could actually remember. It would be all too easy to start inventing memories and convincing herself that they were real especially while her grip on reality was still quite tenuous.
‘I think you’re more than capable of messing with your own head,’ Ellen responded as though reading Kai’s thoughts. ‘I just thought you might like some company. I’m on a break. In fact, I’m on a break for most of the day, I’ve only got one appointment. My services don’t seem to be required much at the moment. The Thais don’t really share the American enthusiasm for all things psychoanalytical. It must be the Buddhist thing: the root of all depression is desire and all that. I want to say it’s their loss but I’m not so sure.’
Kai laughed. ‘You’re not exactly the best advertisement for your profession with an attitude like that.’
Ellen started scratching at an almost invisible mark on the arm of the chair, scraping her nails against the wood in a regular rhythm. ‘To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing here.’
‘I thought you were visiting a bored patient.’
Ellen briefly met Kai’s eyes then went back to the stain she’d been scraping.
‘Not here,’ she nodded to indicate the room. ‘Here, in the hospital, in this country.’
Kai kept quiet, unsure where this was leading. It seemed an odd admission from someone she’d barely met, and only then in a doctor–patient context. Ellen obviously had something on her mind and for some reason she’d chosen Kai as a sounding board.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ellen continued. ‘I’m supposed to be cheering you up not dumping my crap on you. How do you fancy a walk?’
‘Where to?’ Kai could hear the suspicion in her own voice.
‘I thought we could start by taking the elevator down to my secret torture chamber. If you survive that there’s a nice little garden area.’
‘Did I really sound so mistrustful?’
‘You sounded like I’d invited you to your own funeral. I honestly came here to see if you wanted to get out of this room and have a look around the hospital. Scouts’ honour, I won’t do the shrink thing. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I can talk enough for both of us and you can analyse me. How does that sound?’
It sounded good. Actually, it sounded like the best idea that Kai had heard in a while. Sitting in her room all day was driving her crazy and she craved a change of scenery and a diversion from her own company however brief. Her intuition seemed to be telling her that Ellen could be trusted, even if she did seem a little odd for a therapist.
‘I need to get ready,’ she said, sliding off the bed. ‘I can’t face the world without making myself look presentable. And it’s a long job.’
Kai went into her bathroom, had a quick wash and dragged a comb through her hair. When she came out Ellen was standing beside the window bleakly contemplating the view. She was obviously feeling troubled and Kai suspected that this trip was more than simply an act of charity to an isolated patient. ‘So, is it the pub first and on to a club or do you fancy the theatre?’
Ellen smiled. ‘If only. I think we’ll have to content ourselves with a walk round the hospital and a long sit in the garden. I could take you down to the canteen, but it really is like that torture chamber that I mentioned earlier.’
She led the way out into the corridor and Kai followed obediently. She wasn’t sure whether it was the time of day or the fact that she didn’t have the same sense of dread, but the light seemed different, brighter somehow. She expected it to highlight more grime than she’d noticed before, but everything felt fresher. Perhaps she was more optimistic, or maybe it was just the idea of getting out of her room for pleasure rather than for something which had alarmed her so much. She even felt more alive, her body seemed to be responding more readily to the demands she made when they began to ascend the stairs, but as they climbed Kai began to feel uncomfortable. The stairwell was much gloomier than the corridor and the chill Kai felt was physical as well as emotional.
‘Hey, I thought we were going out to the garden,’ her pace slowed automatically as she began to doubt Ellen’s lead. This was too much like the route she had taken with Ekachai – the route to Ellen’s office.
Ellen paused a few steps above her and looked down.
‘There’s a really good view of the city from up here. A big picture window at the end of a corridor. I promise you that we’re not going to my office. Unless you want to?’
‘No offence, but no thanks. Look, I’m sorry I keep doing this. It’s really hard to take people at face value when I feel so uncertain about myself.’
Ellen grinned
down at her. ‘I have a therapist friend who would totally understand that. But she’s taking a break this morning. You coming?’
She turned and continued up the stairs leaving Kai smiling uncertainly at her back. They continued up past the floor where Ellen was based, Kai relishing the exercise and freedom, and emerged into a corridor which was flooded with sunlight from the window at the far end.
‘Wow!’ Kai gasped as they approached the immense glass structure. ‘God, you were right. What a view!’
‘Good isn’t it?’
‘Good? It beats looking down on a car park for days on end.’ She leant her hands against a bar at waist height – which was obviously designed to deter potential suicides – and stared out. It looked like the whole city was spread out in front of her. She could make out an L-shape of water and, beyond that, flat roofs and the tops of temples. The hospital overlooked a busy road which ran parallel to the water with cars and tuk-tuks buzzing angrily along in the heat. It was more human life than Kai could ever have imagined seeing.
Keeping her view firmly on the vista ahead she said, ‘I’m not sure I could ever imagine being out there. It looks so busy. I don’t think I’d feel safe.’
‘You get used to it,’ Ellen responded. ‘When I first got here I was fascinated by the place. I spent a week or so in Bangkok and hated it. Chiang Mai is so much smaller, easier to get your head around.’
‘And now? Are you still fascinated by it?’
‘Hardly. I’ve been here for eighteen months and I’m bored, bored, bored. When I was growing up in the States I never felt fully American, now I’m here I don’t feel fully Thai. I speak the language and almost look the part but I feel like I’m a race of one. I had a meeting with hospital administration this morning, my contract’s up for renewal in a few months and they wanted to know whether I want to stay. I’m not sure they want me to. There’s not much work for me but there is funding available for a doctor in my field so they’re obliged to employ someone. I’m just not sure if it should be me.’
‘That’s why you seemed so fed up earlier.’
‘I guess. Sorry about that. I think that’s partly why I came to pay you a visit. I just wanted to sound off to someone who’s not from here, someone who doesn’t understand the country.’
Kai finally tore her gaze away from the window.
‘Ah, so I’m your therapist today. I like that. It makes me feel more in control.’
Ellen grinned in response. ‘How about we have a look at that garden I told you about?’
‘Sounds good. Do you think I’d be allowed to come up here on my own some time or is it against hospital rules?’
Ellen shrugged. ‘Ask Ekachai, he’s better at rules than me. Come on.’
She led the way back down the stairs and through a labyrinth of corridors which left Kai feeling disorientated and slightly nostalgic for the security of her room. She wondered whether she should have left a trail of some sort in case Ellen abandoned her – and then they were there and all her doubts dissipated as the sun warmed her skin. She squinted in the light but it wasn’t too oppressive as the sun was filtered through a vast range of foliage, from small vines to massive palm leaves. Her senses overcome by the barrage of greens, Kai slumped on a bench near the door and looked up. She half expected to see parrots or monkeys peering down at her but instead she caught occasional glimpses of a cloudless, pale blue sky.
‘Okay?’ Ellen parked herself next to Kai on the bench.
‘Fine, just a bit overwhelmed again. I wasn’t expecting this. It’s so beautiful.’
‘I sometimes sneak down here for a bit of peace and the occasional cigarette. It’s supposed to be a sort of recuperation area cum quiet space for the recently bereaved.’
‘Which category do I fall into?’
‘Both, in a way. You’re coming to terms with something you’ve lost but, on the other hand, you want to get better. Maybe its effect will be twice as powerful.’
Kai smiled dubiously but, wanting to give it a chance, she leaned her head back and enjoyed the interplay of light and shade on the wall next to her, it felt comfortable and, somehow, familiar. Kai’s heart quickened as she tried to unravel the delicate threads of memory without breaking the tentative contact with her past. It wouldn’t solidify beyond a feeling, a certainty that this was something she had done before – she had sat in the shade of dense foliage and enjoyed the sun and the light. She took a deep breath.
‘I’ve done this before somewhere.’ She tried hard not to disrupt her focus as she sensed Ellen move away from her.
‘Where?’
‘I don’t know but this feeling is familiar.’
‘Okay,’ she heard the doctor exhale loudly. ‘Try to focus. Think about your other senses. You can see the light, maybe feel the warmth. Can you hear anything?’
It was still in the enclosed garden but Kai was sure she could hear the breeze rasping through the palms – and birds. She closed her eyes immersing herself in this auditory hallucination, almost enjoying the sounds that weren’t really sounds until something underneath the current of the breeze caught her attention. A liquid sound like movement in water, maybe someone throwing stones? No it wasn’t as sharp as that, it was more of a rippling sound, like water lapping at a river bank or a beach.
‘I’m near water. And I’m not on something stable, I can sense movement. Maybe a swing in a park, with a fountain or a pond.’
‘Could be a childhood memory,’ she heard Ellen murmur.
‘I don’t feel like a child. It feels too familiar to be that long ago. I feel contented and– no it’s gone.’ The return to reality was as sudden as the switching off of a light. She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, eyes still closed, trying to recapture the feeling but it had passed. There was only the warmth and silence of the garden. Kai exhaled and rubbed her face with her hands. She knew there was no point in trying to regain the memory – the feeling had gone.
‘Hey, that wasn’t part of the plan,’ Ellen reassured her. ‘This isn’t my off-duty office or anything like that.’ Kai glanced over at the therapist’s worried expression.
‘I know. It just happened. I think you helped, in a way, with your questions. They helped me to focus.’ Ellen nodded and then checked her watch.
‘Well, my services are required elsewhere. I have my only appointment of the day in half an hour. I’ll walk you back to your room.’
They negotiated the corridors in silence as Kai tried to memorise each twist and turn so that she would know the route again if she could persuade Ekachai to let her visit the garden on her own. If he knew what had happened perhaps he’d agree. Maybe he’d see it as some sort of therapy. It certainly felt like the most positive step that she’d taken so far.
She was almost disappointed when he didn’t drop in after lunch but she occupied her time with her diary, skimming over a week of bus and train journeys until something caught her eye.
13th October – Boat No. 19 Chongqing
Another of those amazing times when it’s hard to believe I’m actually doing this. I promised myself a trip down the Yangtze a long time ago but it’s still weird to think I’m here. I’ve got two nights on this boat, in a sense I’m trapped here as my only options for disembarkation (is that a word?) are some towns and cities along the river which promise to be pretty grim affairs – if Michael Palin is to be believed. I’ve booked myself in to second class – I wanted to treat myself to the privacy of first class but the cabins were all full of young smug couples who were probably on honeymoon. At least I’m in a cabin for four, not eight plus extras. My travelling companions turned up about an hour ago – they’re a middle-aged Chinese couple who didn’t look too happy at the prospect of sharing their cabin with a westerner. I can’t see what their problem is: at least I’m clean and quiet. Oh well, tough tits, as Penny would undoubtedly say, they’ll just have to put up with me.
Our section of this deck of the boat cons
ists only of first and second class cabins with an outside deck area and a lounge with a TV. I may need to retire there as Mr and Mrs Frosty-Pants have turned the cabin TV up to an ear-damaging level, no doubt in an attempt to drown out my presence. I hope they feel paranoid enough to think I’m writing about them – perhaps if I look at them between sentences.
No, they’re determined to ignore me.
We had a conversation when they first arrived.
Me: Ni hao
F-Ps: (silence)
Me: (shrug)
F-Ps: (Lots of fast Mandarin to steward with gestures towards me.)
Me: Fuck you then!
Actually I made up the last part, but I wish I had said it. They probably wouldn’t have understood anyway. Perhaps if I turn my light off and try to sleep they’ll turn the TV down just a fraction.
14th October – Boat No. 19, Somewhere on the Yangtze
I did manage to get a bit of sleep last night but the TV was blaring until quite late. To make matters worse I was woken up at 6.30am by an excited Mr F-P trying to get his wife out of bed and organised for an excursion. It looks like they’ve bought a package because they’ve both got some sort of laminated pass. Mr F-P wears his on a ribbon round his neck like an Olympic medal.
The excursion turned out to be a stop at a small town called Fengdu which looked grey and dismal in the dawn drizzle. I dutifully got off the boat, more in search of breakfast than through any interest in the town and, having choked down some dumplings and deep fried batter I thought I’d show willing and explore a little.
Forgotten: a truly gripping psychological thriller Page 8
