After about half an hour Josie fell back and I found myself walking with Callum. We tried the usual pleasantries, ‘How long have you been here?’ ‘Where are you going next’ etc then the conversation took a more personal turn.
‘D’you have a fella waiting for you back home?’
I didn’t know how to respond and Callum took this for coyness.
‘It’s okay, you can tell me, I’m not on the pull, Josie would kill me.’
I took a deep breath and tried to be as honest as possible. ‘There was someone but it didn’t work out. It was time to go our separate ways.’ Even to me it sounded like a cliché.
Callum was kind, telling me that if I didn’t want to talk about it there was no pressure, but I found myself wanting to tell him something at least.
‘His name was David,’ I told him. ‘We lived together but he wanted to get married and he put a lot of pressure on me.’ Ha! Pressure. Christ what an understatement! I just shrugged and Callum let it drop. I got the feeling that he’d decided I was probably running away and to try and persuade him otherwise would only confirm his suspicions. I was surprised to find that I was ready to talk about some of it at least. Until today I’d mentioned David to no-one and I’d tried to stop myself from thinking about him at all. I’m not sure that’s healthy but it seemed to work for me for a time. Perhaps now I’m ready to face up to things and to put it all behind me instead of denying it ever happened.
Callum was a bit quiet after our brief conversation. He probably thought I had some serious problems hidden away but when we stopped for lunch at ‘Daughter’s Pond of Seven Dragons’ he was all smiles again and we had a relaxing break. There was a restaurant of sorts beside the path and Alfie offered us lunch but the mangy corpse of a chicken hanging from the guttering put me off and I decided to stick to the bread I’d bought in town. It was an odd lunch spot, just a hut and three canvas folding chairs which we immediately grabbed, leaving Alfie to sit on a wooden bench inside. We ate in silence, listening to the birds and the roar of the waterfalls behind us. The man running the ‘restaurant’ came out to offer us tea – he was wiping a glass on a filthy bit of cloth which matched his ragged vest – surprisingly, we all declined.
From the waterfalls the path became seriously vertiginous as we headed back out to the ‘front’ of the mountain. The gorges and ravines that the path followed were spectacular – sheer cliffs and odd-shaped rocks carved by thousands of years of rain and wind. On one side of us was a sheer drop and I found myself practically hugging the safety of the cliff on my right as we passed a particularly loose bit of path. It looked like the next big rain would wash it away completely, or the next passing tourist might just dislodge it! I didn’t fancy falling a couple of hundred feet so I trod very carefully.
We walked on to Qingbi Stream, rather disappointingly spoiled by a brand new cable car. There was a real sense of getting ready for the tourists – new steps being built and a blindingly white toilet block. The stream itself was beautiful – a narrow thread of waterfall falling into a turquoise pool – but it was a relief when Alfie led us down the hill, away from the new building.
The path down the mountain was, for me, the best part of the walk – no more slabs and no more steps, although the rocks were slippery at times. Every time I had the confidence to look up from the path the views were wonderful. We’d come some way south of Dali and now the plain was dotted with small villages all the way to the lake. The path led us to a large stream and then continued along the other bank but, unfortunately, there was no bridge. Callum carried Josie across fireman style while I watched, fascinated, as the muscles in his upper arms and shoulders tensed and hardened, wakening a responding quiver in my thigh muscles. Instead of feeling embarrassed I felt relieved, even excited that I could feel sexually attracted to someone again. After David I was ready to avoid men for life, travel the world and have no ties, and no sex! My attraction to Callum made me aware that this wasn’t a necessity, hell, it wasn’t even a probability judging by how horny I felt by the time he dropped Josie on the opposite bank and then came back for me. It was a genuine offer and he could have carried me easily but I just couldn’t allow myself to climb on to his back and trust him to hold me there. When I refused he shrugged but there was something knowing about his expression and I’m sure he was imagining all sorts of things about my relationship with David. Half of them were probably right. I took off my boots and waded across.
Alfie was a good guide, giving us lots of little bits of information. He told us that Dali Beer, which I’ve grown very fond of, is made from water from Qingbi Stream. He also told me that the grave-marker things I kept seeing in the fields and on the hills were, in fact, grave-markers. How clever am I?
We took a bus back to Dali and Callum and Josie immediately disappeared back to their hotel, claiming the fresh air had made them tired. I sat outside a restaurant drinking ginger tea and feeling thoroughly lonely. Perhaps it was the memories that Callum had sparked, perhaps it was the casual intimacy that he and Josie shared. Whatever it was, I’m now looking forward to a new country and new faces. I’ve enjoyed China but it’s time to go.
It’s funny, I’ve convinced myself that I’m not running away, but sometimes I feel that I’m living a lie. I am still afraid. I’m afraid of spending my life alone. I’m afraid of trusting anyone. I’m also afraid of myself and my masochistic need for control over every aspect of my life. Christ, I’m supposed to be getting my head back together. Maybe I need to stop denying myself the luxury of regret.
She kept a fucking journal. Sharing her private thoughts with a fucking book. And who knows what else is in there? Stuff from her past? E-mail addresses, phone numbers? How soon before she finds a way to contact somebody at home and then she’ll be gone for good? I need to see it, I need to see if there is anything in it about me. How often does she write in it? Has Ekachai seen it?
God, I need to get a grip. The diary doesn’t matter as long as she’s the only one reading it – she can write anything she wants about me. Hopefully some sexy stuff that I can use later. Or maybe I can persuade her to let me read it sometime and then burn the fucking thing – sever any last threads of contact with her past. It can’t be a problem. I won’t allow it to be. She’s been awake for nearly two weeks, she’d have found out something by now if there was anything to find out. I can’t afford to lose focus by dwelling on it.
Today has been amazing. Not only did I take her out for the afternoon but I’m fairly convinced that she enjoyed my company. She’d been bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I arrived, wearing my best Prince Charming face, and she couldn’t wait to leave. I stood in the corridor while she got ready, giving her some time to get changed, freshen up, whatever women do in the bathroom when they aren’t being supervised. It didn’t taken her long and she’d practically floated out of the room with an expectant look on her face. She wanted to be shown a good time. I can read her so clearly – she’s attracted to me and that’s something I might be able to use in the future. I might even be able to get her into bed sometime soon, really show her a good time. Now that’s something worth waiting for and working for.
I thought there was a problem in the hospital reception, though, when she saw some old dear looking upset. She couldn’t understand when I told her that it was just her that mattered to me – other people were nothing, a distraction. I managed to get her outside and make her forget Mrs Weepy, but I was worried that I’d let the facade slip a bit because she’d been surprised that I didn’t care. I blagged it though, something about not being able to care about everyone I met and being too preoccupied with looking after her. Hook, line and sinker. God I’m good!
I’d already had a scout round and found a decent place to take her, an old wat down a maze of quiet streets. Not that I was planning anything for today, I’d just wanted to get her away from other people, make her a bit more dependent on me. It worked like magic – she loved the wat, especially after I told her some
old shit about loving Thailand and its religion and culture. Christ, the place is a stinking hole and I can’t wait to get away, but she liked my ‘spiritual side’.
I’d nearly been tempted to try something when we left the wat. I’d taken her far enough from the hospital to tire her out, hoping to get closer to her by having to hold her hand or half-carry her back or something like that. She held on to my arm on the way back and I could feel her shaking with exhaustion; I just hoped that she couldn’t feel my own trembling. Something put her off though because she pulled away as soon as she got the chance. I was a bit worried because she seemed to have some sort of memory flash earlier, something about the weather in Thailand being different from Britain. It was just a split second though. I pretended to be interested, to encourage her to remember but I just wanted to laugh in her face at her disappointment. Stupid cow.
VIII
Kai woke herself up by screaming. Not a full-blown shriek, but a long, drawn-out whimper that seemed to increase in volume as she became more aware of her surroundings. She threw the covers off and sat up trembling, sweating and confused, trying to get her bearings and shake off the fog of the nightmare.
‘Jesus,’ she whispered, grabbing a handful of sheet and wiping her face. As she pulled the damp fabric away she became aware of the moisture around her eyes and nose. She’d been crying in her sleep. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’ she chanted scrubbing desperately at her cheeks and rubbing her eyes until her vision blurred into a milky greyness punctuated by spectacular neon flashes. She threw the sheet back down onto the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest to try to quell the trembling in her limbs. The shaking subsided but the images still played like a slide show behind her eyes; images that, in themselves, weren’t frightening. What terrified her was the intuitive understanding that the people and places she had dreamt about should be familiar. These were faces from her past but, even in her dreams, she couldn’t give them names.
The dream itself had seemed fairly harmless, at first. She could remember walking into a room full of books, all laid out on shelves which were arranged around the room. The room seemed familiar, perhaps a library that she had visited, or a bookshop, but the feeling she got from the place was one of anticipation as though she was waiting for someone, or something. She had been sitting on a chair at a large desk covered in papers when the scene had abruptly changed. Suddenly she was outside a house at dusk. She had been about to knock on the door when it was opened by an elderly women who had greeted her with a smile and a hug. Still nothing sinister. The woman had led her down a dimly lit hallway to another door and, this time, Kai had felt some unease. She knocked tentatively but, before she could open the door herself, the old woman had pushed her through, causing her to stumble across the threshold and slip on the hard wood floor inside the room.
There were people waiting for her. As she’d looked up from her prone position they had formed a circle, all looking down at her and all speaking at once. Most of them were smiling but, even as she tried to speak, the smiles had turned to frowns and scowls of disapproval. As a body the people had turned their backs on her and retreated to the gloomy corners of the room where they had continued to mumble amongst themselves. Just as Kai had been about to struggle to her feet and leave, the mumblings became hushed whispers and, eventually, subsided completely.
The sense of anticipation was back, as were the smiles on the faces of the gathered crowd. Somehow Kai knew that someone else was about to enter the room, someone she didn’t want to see. She’d managed to get up on to all fours and was crawling to the side of the room but, every time she’d got close to one of the waiting people, they had pushed her back to the middle and tried to make her face the door. Finally, defeated, she had hung her head and watched as the slice of light spilling on to the floor from the hallway had grown wider as the door was slowly opened. And that was when she had woken up screaming.
Still trembling, Kai slid off the bed and went into the bathroom. She rinsed her face in cold water and towelled off slowly, resisting the urge to look in the mirror to see if the dream had left any perceptible traces on her features. She held the towel up to her eyes and counted her breaths, trying to make each one deeper and more controlled than the one before. When she finally felt ready, she approached the mirror and lowered the towel. She felt almost disappointed that there was no outward change to reflect her inner anxiety.
***
Ekachai spotted a change as soon as he saw her.
‘You are very quiet this morning,’ he commented as he shone a light into her eyes. Kai simply shrugged, unable to think of a suitable response. Ekachai pulled the light away then flicked it quickly across each eye in turn. He must have been satisfied because he placed the pen-light carefully back in his top pocket and made some kind of note on her chart. Kai avoided looking at him as he placed the chart on its hook at the bottom of the bed and settled himself in the chair.
‘So?’ he began. ‘Did you have a good sleep?’
‘Fine,’ Kai lied.
‘You look tired this morning. I think perhaps you had a restless night.’
Of course, one of the nurses had been in to make her bed while she had been in the shower. Perhaps she’d reported back to Ekachai that his patient had messed up the sheets. Kai smiled. ‘Can’t hide anything in this place.’
‘So you have something you would like to hide?’ Ekachai was smiling back at her, but Kai knew how tenacious he could be when he wanted information.
‘I had a dream, well, more of a nightmare. I think I woke myself up by screaming.’
Ekachai leaned forward in the chair clearly intrigued. ‘Can you remember this dream?’
‘Not really. Just a few images and shapes. It’s faded a bit since I woke up. I feel a bit embarrassed to be honest, screaming like a kid being chased by monsters.’
‘So there were monsters?’ The smile was back, he was teasing.
‘Just people.’
Ekachai continued to smile at her for a few seconds then hurriedly excused himself and left.
The reason for Ekachai’s sudden departure became apparent about an hour later when Ellen appeared in the doorway. ‘Somebody order some dream analysis? I’ve got the latest thing in delving into your psyche while you’re asleep. No charge, just let me have your immortal soul and I’m happy.’
Kai grinned. ‘Too late, I sold my soul to one of your colleagues. He gave it a thorough examination then told me it was beyond repair. You might find it in the bin if you look carefully.’
‘Not had a sense-of-humour bypass then?’
‘This isn’t humour, it’s hysteria. You should see me on the way down.’
‘So, can I come in?’
Kai gestured to the chair, but Ellen ignored it and perched on the bed. Her smile faded as she studied Kai’s face.
‘Shit, do I look that bad?’
Ellen shook her head. ‘You look tired and a bit pale. Ekachai said you’d had a dream that left you feeling ‘disturbed’. How are you feeling?’
Good question Kai thought. How was she feeling, really? Tired certainly, still a little shaken from the residual horror of the dream, but strangely elated as though she were hiding a fantastic secret or about to reveal an amazing discovery.
‘I was a bit shaken,’ she confessed. ‘But now I’m excited. I know it’s not much but surely being able to dream so vividly must be a good sign, don’t you think?’
Ellen looked slightly sceptical. ‘I’m not sure. The dream could have come from memories that you’ve built up since you’ve been here. Possibly even from things you’ve read, conversations you’ve had.’
‘But I can’t remember anything recent that comes close to what I dreamt.’
‘Which was what exactly?’ Ellen prompted. Kai gave her an outline of the dream, trying to stick to sights and sounds rather than emotions that she was still struggling to name.
‘Okay,’ Ellen nodded. ‘So that’s what happened. You wer
e obviously frightened to have woken yourself up like that, but what else were you feeling? Weren’t you just the slightest bit curious about the person opening the door for instance?’
‘I don’t know. At first I had a sense of anticipation and excitement, especially when I was in the library, but when the door started to open I didn’t want to be there. It was like if I saw him I would be changed or captured in some way.’
‘Him? So it was a man?’
Kai thought for a minute. Was it a man? There had been nothing to indicate the gender of the approaching person, so why had she assumed it was a man? Perhaps some of the residual fear from the journal? Perhaps she associated fear with a male presence. Maybe it was just a figure of speech and she had no idea at all, conscious or not, about who was behind the door.
‘I want to say it was a man but I really have no idea,’ she admitted. ‘It could have been a woman, it could have been a thing. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s fine, don’t worry. How about we try another approach?’
‘Such as?’
‘Such as getting you to relax. Come on, sit over here.’ She pointed to the chair and Kai reluctantly left the bed.
‘Okay,’ Ellen said, shifting position so that she was facing Kai. ‘Sit back, get comfortable. Now close your eyes.’
Kai settled herself, stretching out her arms and dangling her hands loosely over the arms of the chair. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes.
‘Good. Now try to focus on your body. Feel how it’s positioned in the chair, feel your muscles relaxing into the cushions.’ Ellen lowered her voice. ‘Now clench your fists, hard, harder, and… relax.’
Kai felt some of her earlier tension dissipate as she relaxed her hands. She became aware of her breathing slowing down in response to the release of tension.
Forgotten: a truly gripping psychological thriller Page 11
