We spent the rest of the afternoon visiting various temples along the river. Each one was different and yet they all belong to the same branch of the same religion. All I can say is to repeat ‘I don’t get it!’ I’d like to understand more, but I realise that studying Buddhism is a lifelong commitment. The last thing I want from this trip is to return to England having become some sort of hippy cliché. I nodded politely to Michael’s explanations and took a few pictures, but by the end of the day all I felt was tired.
Michael had to meet some colleagues for dinner so I was left to my own devices which was a relief in a way. I enjoyed his company but I was ready for a couple of hours on my own, a shower and a beer on my balcony watching the sun set over the Mekong. Bliss!
I’ve spent most of today sitting next to the pool (where I am now) writing postcards and reading. Oh, and having the occasional swim. I haven’t been in the pool much as my legs ache a bit from the cycling yesterday. I know there’s a school of thought that says exercise helps stiff muscles, but I’m trying the rest and lots of fluids approach. Michael rang to say thanks for my company which I thought was a nice gesture. He’s off to Vang Vieng tomorrow so I’ve agreed to meet him for dinner tonight. I think I’ll spend the rest of the day right here, doing very little.
XII
‘It was an accident. Nothing more sinister than that. You have to understand that this has nothing to do with you.’ Ekachai’s voice was kind but firm as he held her hands in his own and studied her eyes for any flicker of understanding. He had been with her for over an hour now, since he broke the news, and Kai couldn’t imagine ever allowing him to leave her room. How could she be alone after this?
‘Please tell me that you understand what I am saying.’ Lines of sorrow were etched deeply into his face, but his eyes were bright with concern for his patient. He gave up trying to stare down her fears and started to pace the room. Slowly to the door, turn and back to the bed. Again and again.
‘Would you mind not doing that? It’s sending me crazy.’
He turned and smiled at the sound of her voice. Like an eager puppy responding to its master’s command, the doctor scuttled back to the chair that he’d placed next to the bed so he could be close to her.
Kai shuffled round on the bed to sit facing him, her feet not quite touching the floor. She kicked her heels against the restraining frame that hung down almost to the tiles, waiting to be lifted at the slightest sign that the patient was in danger of falling or damaging themselves. That’s what she felt like, doing herself harm, like smacking her fist into her forehead so hard that her brain was forced to respond, to make some sense of what the doctor had told her. How could Ellen be dead? Three days ago they’d been drinking and laughing in the bar and now she no longer existed. Her humour, all her stories, her concern, gone. And Kai knew that, in some way, it was her fault; if she hadn’t involved Ellen in her fucked-up life Ellen would still be alive. That’s what she couldn’t get Ekachai to understand. He kept telling her it was an accident, a hit and run, but somehow Kai felt that Ellen’s death was connected to their friendship. And she knew how crazy that sounded.
‘When exactly did it happen?’ she asked even though she’d heard the whole story and there was nothing new that the doctor could add.
‘As she was leaving the hospital yesterday afternoon. She often walked back to her apartment and, as she crossed one of the busier roads, a car came out of nowhere and, well, I have explained already to you.’
‘And nobody saw the car or the driver?’
He sighed. ‘Whoever it was just carried on. The penalties are high in this country for motoring offences. Perhaps this was someone without insurance or he may have been driving a borrowed vehicle. It is not uncommon, after an accident, for the driver to not be caught.’
He’d said it again, accident. If only he could keep repeating it until she believed it herself. An accident.
Kai rubbed her face with her hands, trying to fight off the memories of her brief time with the therapist. She wanted to feel sorrow, grief, but the only emotion that held any conviction was rage. Blind, red rage.
‘Hey, something wrong?’ A voice from the doorway. She’d forgotten her date with Mark and was shocked to see him smiling in at them both from the corridor. More than ever he seemed to carry with him an essence of outside. Not the sun exactly, but freedom, a carefree quality about his smile and a carelessness about his dress. His presence felt inappropriate.
Kai shook her head. ‘I’m not sure about going out today. Sorry but we’ve had some bad news.’ She felt self-conscious using ‘we’, making herself and Ekachai connected in some way, like conspirators. But they were joined in their loss. Mark was an outsider to their emptiness.
‘What’s happened?’ he asked, the smile quickly replaced by a look of concern. ‘Hey, you haven’t got your memory back have you?’ His brightness dissolved under her glare.
‘Ellen’s dead.’ That was it. Two words, a simple harsh statement. A life snuffed out.
‘Ellen?’ He looked puzzled and turned to Ekachai for some sort of elucidation. The doctor simply shook his head.
‘Ellen. Doctor Thomas. The woman you saw me with in the bar.’ Kai could hear accusation in her tone, the need to blame someone, to punish, making her harsh, bitter.
Mark looked stunned, scanning her face and then Ekachai’s for some sort of confirmation or explanation. ‘I don’t…’
‘Some cowardly fucker hit her with his car and then drove off.’
His head snapped back to Kai.
‘Hit and run?’
She nodded.
‘Jesus. When?’
‘Yesterday afternoon. I just found out.’
Mark sat on the bed, the movement causing Kai to sway towards him as the mattress settled. She stood up before he could attempt to try a comforting arm or offer a shoulder to cry on. She didn’t need that kind of support – she needed to move, to leave.
She walked to the door and turned to look at the two men. Ekachai was lost in his own thoughts, his chin resting on his thumbs, fingers steepled around his nose. Mark’s head was down but she could see him watching her uncertainly from beneath his eyebrows.
‘Let’s get the fuck out of here,’ she demanded.
***
Two beers later and she was starting to feel more in control. Mark had taken her to the bar in his hotel as it was close to the hospital and she couldn’t face going back to the place she’d visited with Ellen. They sat on the terrace, watching lobster-skinned tourists lazing in the pool. Kai loathed them, hated their carelessness as they jumped into the pool for a couple of lengths before another grilling on a towel-covered sun-bed. She wanted to shout at them to be more restrained and respectful. Her friend was dead. How could they just carry on with their frivolous lives?
Mark had tried to make polite conversation, totally inappropriate and inane.
‘Can you swim?’ had been one of his most ridiculous questions. Now Kai felt like laughing as she remembered his hurt expression when she’d snapped ‘How the fuck should I know? How about throwing me in and we’ll see if I float!’ He’d given up after that.
‘I’m sorry. I know I’m not very good company,’ she said, forcing herself to abandon her scrutiny of the other guests.
He shrugged and leaned forward into the shade of the parasol that protected their table from the worst of the sun, the shadow hiding his face.
‘I know you probably don’t feel much like talking. And I know it’s none of my business but drinking won’t help.’
She took another swig from her bottle. ‘It already has helped. At least now I don’t feel like committing murder. I’m back to just being a complete bitch.’
He laughed and finished his own beer, throwing his head back and gulping noisily. For a second Kai expected him to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand and burp.
‘Another one then?’
She shook her head. ‘I’m going t
o give in to your better judgement. Could I have a glass of water please?’
He strolled off to the bar leaving her feeling a twinge of guilt that she couldn’t pay her own way. It had been all right with Ellen, but Kai felt uncomfortable allowing a man to pay for her. What made this relationship any different from the ones she’d witnessed in the bar? A man paying for a woman’s company. Except that she knew Mark wasn’t impressed with her charm or her battered looks. She was just a charity case.
Mark had obviously decided to join her in her abstinence because he placed a Coke next to his empty beer bottle as he sat down. Kai pulled the glass of water towards her, the grooved wooden table top causing the surface of her drink to ripple and sway. She studied the glass, tracing the side of her finger down the side, disturbing the frosting of condensation, completely at a loss for conversation. She couldn’t talk about Ellen, it didn’t feel right. And she certainly didn’t want to tell Mark that she was convinced that her death hadn’t been an accident. She knew how ridiculous her suspicions sounded and she needed to maintain some semblance of sanity. She looked around in search of inspiration.
The hotel looked quite expensive. The rooms were clustered around open balconies which all faced down on to the pool, the balcony rails like teeth guarding dark, open mouths. The bar, off to one side was small and seemed busy for early afternoon but she didn’t see any of the mixed couples who had been so obvious in the other place.
‘Nice hotel. Is it expensive?’
Mark frowned at her as though she were speaking a foreign language. Obviously he hadn’t been expecting small talk after his own pitiful attempts had met with such an unsympathetic reaction. He looked around as though trying to decide what the answer should be and then realisation dawned.
‘Oh, yeah, it’s a nice place. Not too pricy, but then nothing here is as expensive as home. I’m paying seven hundred and fifty baht for a room.’
‘That sounds like a lot.’
‘It’s just over a tenner and I’ve got my own bathroom. Good value.’
She shrugged. His answer was meaningless.
‘How much would you pay in England? For the same sort of thing I mean, not just a cheap hotel – a lot more I suppose.’
‘About forty or fifty quid, especially if you could find a place with a pool.’
An idea was starting to form in Kai’s mind. Her escape plan. It wasn’t ideal and she wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea but she didn’t have much choice. In the confusion surrounding Ellen’s death she’d forgotten that she’d promised herself that she’d get out of the hospital, that she was going to have some photographs taken for the embassy, that she was going to be found. She hadn’t really got much further than the idea of getting out. Freedom had seemed enough, but now she realised how naive she had been. She would need a place to stay and she’d need money. Mark was her only option. Despite her earlier guilt and a twinge of self-loathing for putting herself in a position where she was reliant on a man she pushed ahead with her plan.
‘Do they have cheaper rooms here?’ she asked innocently.
‘I think so. I’m just a bit extravagant sometimes so I took the first room they offered. Why?’
She took a deep breath forcing herself to continue. ‘I don’t want to stay in the hospital, I need to get out, especially now, with Ellen gone. There’s nobody at the hospital I can really talk to. Doctor Ekachai’s all right but he’s not someone I would discuss my troubles with.’ She felt a twinge of guilt for using Ellen’s death in this way, but she was convinced that it would help her case. ‘But I’ll need somewhere to stay, and some money.’
She looked at Mark expectantly, but he wasn’t taking the bait. Then he gave her a dazzling smile. ‘And you want me to be your champion? You want me to rescue you?’
‘Not quite,’ she said, trying to rein in her irritation at his flippant tone. ‘I’d like you to lend me some money. Enough to stay in a hotel for a couple of weeks. I’m going to ask Ekachai to contact the British Embassy about getting my photo circulated. Hopefully someone will recognise me and bail me out. I don’t know how long it’ll take though.’
Mark reached across the table and covered one of her hands with his own. ‘How much do you think you’ll need?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ she admitted, willing herself not to pull away from the damp warmth of his hand as he closed it more tightly around her own. She didn’t want to alienate him now he’d offered to help, but she couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was in no better position than the women she’d seen in the bar a couple of nights ago. If anything she was worse off because she’d only got one man she could rely on; if Mark wasn’t able to help she could hardly go out and pick up someone else.
‘Whatever you need, it shouldn’t be a problem,’ he said grinning at her. ‘If we say a tenner a night for three weeks and some spending money. I could probably manage about three hundred quid. That should be enough for a while.’
‘Great,’ she said. She had no idea when she would be able to pay him back, but she couldn’t allow herself to think about that, couldn’t think about what it might mean to be in his debt. One step at a time.
Their arrangement seemed to clear the air and lift some of Kai’s gloom. Her thoughts kept straying back to Ellen, but she kept control of her paranoia and concentrated on trying to be a charming companion. The pool was empty now and the still surface had become a mirror reflecting the light and heat of the sun directly into Kai’s face. The bar area was becoming stifling as the afternoon dragged towards evening. There were fewer people milling around: they’d obviously retreated to somewhere cooler.
Mark seemed to sense her restlessness.
‘Do you want to go somewhere else?’ he asked, following her gaze to the empty sun-beds scattered around the pool like flotsam. Kai nodded.
‘Another bar?’
‘I’d rather just walk. I enjoyed the wat the other day. Maybe we could go somewhere like that?’
‘Fine. I’ve got just the place,’ he announced, leaping to his feet and draining his Coke.
***
Away from the hotel terrace the sun felt less fierce as though it had concentrated the best of its energy into one place and everywhere else was being granted a reprieve. The streets were warm but not baking and the traffic was light, adding to the airy feel of the city. Mark led the way out on to a broad avenue flanking a rectangle of evil-looking green water.
‘What’s that?’ Kai asked.
‘Moat.’ Mark explained. ‘It runs right around the inner part of the city. At night it’s lit up and you can’t see how murky it really is. I could throw you in there if you wanted to test your swimming ability.’
‘I don’t think so,’ she laughed and allowed him to lead her down a narrow side street. Mark chose the shadiest side of each street, so they could both walk in the cool shadow of a wall or under an overhang of emerald leaves until they turned a corner into a huge square. Then, suddenly, they were back in the full glare of the sun, made doubly ferocious by the shimmering heat haze from the white paving slabs. Overwhelmed Kai sat on a bench and tried to adjust to the change in temperature. Mark stood in front of her, partly obscuring the sun, allowing her to huddle in his shadow.
He looked down at her. ‘Too much?’
Kai shook her head. ‘Just a shock after the shade. Give me a minute and I’ll be fine. Where are we anyway?’
He sat next to her on the bench, uncomfortably close, forcing her to move away.
‘Sorry,’ he said shifting position. ‘We’re in Wat Chedi Luang. It’s one of the biggest wats in the area.’
‘You mean this square is actually part of a temple?’
‘All of it,’ he swung his arm to demonstrate. ‘That structure in the middle is the important part, the chedi, it’s really old but it’s been partially restored. See the elephants?’
Kai could just make out some deformed chunks of stone that might have been some post-modern inter
pretation of elephants. ‘Those?’
‘I know. They look more like some sort of alien life form. Round the other side some of them have been reconstructed in concrete. I like these better though.’
As they sat in silence for a while Kai tried to take in more of her surroundings. The open area was buzzing with small groups of people all transfixed by the centre of the temple. It looked like a stone hut towering above the square on a series of raised platforms that narrowed with height. Steps ran up each of the four sides allowing entrance to doors that resembled the mouths of caves. Around the perimeter enterprising locals had set up stalls selling everything from drinks and postcards to small wicker cages containing what looked like tiny birds. Kai watched, intrigued, as a small boy dragged his parents over to the birds and persuaded them to buy one of the cages. She was just about to ask Mark if birds were a popular pet in Thailand when the boy undid the latch on the side of the cage and half a dozen tiny finches flew out. They circled the square once then landed back at the stall where they had been sold. The woman running the stall reached into her pocket and scattered seed for them to peck before catching them, one by one, and placing them in a different cage.
‘What’s that all about?’ She nudged Mark and pointed to the bird lady.
He studied the stall frowning and then smiled.
‘You pay to set the birds free. It’s like an act of compassion and the Buddha smiles on you for being kind to small creatures.’
‘But she just caught them again.’
‘Ah,’ Mark laughed. ‘They’re well trained. They get fed, have a little fly around every hour or so and everybody’s happy. The woman gets paid, the birds have a taste of freedom and the punter gets his blessing. The perfect arrangement.’
Forgotten: a truly gripping psychological thriller Page 17
