‘Something wrong?’ Mark asked around a mouthful of his pizza.
‘I think the salad must’ve filled me up. I can’t seem to face this.’
‘So don’t eat it,’ Mark shrugged. ‘It’s not like it’s the most expensive restaurant in the world. And besides…’
‘I’m paying,’ Kai finished for him with a smile. She managed to wipe most of the sauce from a fork full of pasta and put it in her mouth. She knew it was good. The pasta was perfectly cooked with just a little resistance as she bit into it and the tomato sauce was tangy with a hint of sweet basil. Encouraged, Kai tried another mouthful but this one defeated her. She dropped her fork in frustration and took a long pull on her beer, closing her eyes to enjoy the cool of the liquid.
Mark was still pulling his pizza apart, using his knife to score it into sections and then eating each one with his hands, completely unselfconscious. A smudge of tomato sauce had collected in each corner of his mouth, but his napkin lay ignored beside his plate as he continued to devour his meal.
‘I take it that’s good.’
‘Hmm? Oh, yeah, their pizzas are the best in town. Do you want a piece?’
Kai could tell from his eyes that Mark didn’t really want to share his food. She suddenly imagined him as a scruffy mongrel guarding his bowl with a growl.
‘What’s funny?’ Mark asked as the thought made Kai smile.
‘Nothing, you just look like you really enjoyed that.’
Mark smiled, picked up his napkin and began to dab at his lips. He checked his hands and wiped each finger in turn before holding them out for Kai’s inspection.
‘Clean enough?’
‘You’ll do I suppose. Look, about your idea. I’m sorry I dismissed it before I’d given it some thought. It might not be so awful but I’m a bit scared of how I’ll react when I get to where it happened. It might bring something back, but it might not be something I want to remember. To be honest I think it could be worth a try, but it’s not something I’d want to do on my own.’
‘Okay, how about if I were to come with you? It’s only a few hours by bus, we could easily get there and back in a day.’
‘How do you know? You sound like you already had this planned, like you knew I’d say yes.’
‘Hey, don’t be so suspicious. I read about your accident in the papers. I was curious so I checked to find out where it happened. It’s just off a popular tourist route called ‘The Loop’. There are bound to be plenty of buses. All we have to do is check at the bus station, get a good map and we could easily find the spot, or close enough. I’d need to spend tomorrow making a few enquiries but we could go the next day.’
It was all a bit hurried. Kai didn’t want to be rushed but she couldn’t seem to come up with any reasonable objections once she’d accepted the plan. Besides, Mark was heading back to Bangkok so they didn’t have the luxury of time. She could spend tomorrow reading the last few pages of her journal and mentally preparing for the trip. How bad could it be?
‘Okay,’ she decided. ‘Let’s do it. If I don’t try, I might end up regretting it and the worst that can happen is that I don’t remember anything.’
Mark smiled and raised his bottle of beer.
‘Cheers,’ he announced. ‘Here’s to finding happy memories.’
***
It was late by the time they arrived back at the hotel. The bar area was quiet, populated by only a handful of solitary drinkers, all men who looked like they had been unable to find themselves some company.
‘Fancy a nightcap?’ Mark asked, already heading towards a corner table. Kai knew that four beers was probably one too many but she didn’t want to offend Mark as he had been so charming and helpful all evening.
‘Why not,’ she said, following him to the table. A waiter appeared from nowhere and efficiently took their order – beer for Kai, whisky for Mark.
‘An evening with me made you want to hit the hard stuff?’ she teased.
Mark grinned. ‘No, I’m just a little bloated after dinner. I can’t drink anything else fizzy.’ Their drinks arrived and Kai turned her chair to face the pool, away from Mark. His suggestion was still tormenting her with doubts. Even though she’d agreed to go with him to where she fell, Kai was unsure and afraid. Mostly the fear was formless, but an insidious, nagging feeling seemed to be warning her to stay away from the countryside, to stay away from her accident, her past. But if she didn’t go she would never know if the trip could be helpful; it would be a missed opportunity.
‘You’re still not sure, are you?’ Mark was frowning at her, studying her expression. ‘We don’t have to do this you know. There’s no pressure.’
We. Mark had taken charge. Kai probed her feelings as though she were examining a decaying tooth for pain. Nothing. She wasn’t angry that he wanted to look after her, in fact there was a slight thrill of pleasure which she struggled to contain. She didn’t want Mark to think she had come to depend on him. She didn’t want to depend on him for anything, but it was agreeable to feel looked after. She wondered if the beer had relaxed her a little more than she’d intended.
Suddenly alarmed, she remembered her diary. Was this how it started? That nice feeling of security, of being cared for? And then what? Control? Power? Violence? She took a small sip of beer then placed the glass carefully back on the table.
‘Look, I’m sorry – I’m more tired than I thought. I’m off to bed.’ She stood up and Mark stood with her.
‘No problem,’ he assured her. ‘I’ll walk you up to your room.’
Kai couldn’t think of a way to say no so she just allowed him to follow her up the dimly lit staircase to her floor. She expected him to continue up to his own room but, instead, he came out on to the balcony that led to the second floor rooms.
Kai stopped and turned to face him intending to say goodnight but, as she opened her mouth, Mark bent his head and kissed her softly on the cheek. Something inside her wanted to scream, but another part of her wanted to pull his lips on to her own, to let him put his arms round her and hold her.
She ducked away and rummaged in her pocket for the key to her room, unable to meet Mark’s eyes in case he was able to recognise the emotions warring within her.
‘Goodnight, Mark,’ she said firmly, walking along the balcony. She was glad he was too far away to see the trembling in her hands as she tried to force her key into the lock on the door of her room.
She fell for it. I can’t believe that she’s that gullible. I was half convinced that she’d seen through me at one point, but I managed to persuade her that she was just being over-suspicious. I felt like throwing up, but I had to stay in control. I can’t allow any weakness now, I’m so close.
It’s a good plan. Shit, it’s a brilliant plan! I already know the exact spot and I know how to get there. It was easy enough to find – all the guidebooks mention it and explain how ‘off the beaten track’ it is. How can it be so off the bloody beaten track if everybody knows about it? I’m so sick of fucking ‘travellers’ all sitting around in self-congratulatory groups in the bars and restaurants talking about their unique experiences. How can they be unique if everybody comes here to do the same thing? I should tell them a few stories about my own travels – talk about unique.
She seemed more willing to let me take the lead today, to look after her. She even let me kiss her and I’m sure I could sense a stronger feeling than her just letting me do it. She wants me, I can tell. It feels a bit like she’s really falling for me. In a way I was tempted to force the situation, to invite myself into her room, then anything could have happened. But I want to keep things exactly as they are for now. I don’t want her too cocky, but I don’t want her too clingy either. Everything is exactly as I want it.
All I have to do is bide my time. And then she’ll give me my chance.
December 2nd – Chiang Mai
I hate this place! I thought all of Thailand would be as laid back as Sangkhom, but I was
seriously mistaken. I’ve checked into an hotel that seems to double as a brothel – it’s full of British men with young Thai women – and it’s not especially clean. I don’t like the signs reminding guests that they are expected to pay for overly soiled sheets and towels. I checked mine for stains but, fortunately, they’re spotless. I also don’t like the looks I get as a lone woman. Maybe the men think I’m here to pick up Thai girls too. Must tell Penny that one.
I spent last night in the hotel restaurant as I couldn’t face wandering around in the dark in search of cheap, safe food. At first I felt really conspicuous but, after a couple of beers, I indulged in some people-watching and started to enjoy myself. I suppose there’s a certain arrogance in watching some of these sad blokes trying to impress women who look totally bored. As soon as the man looks away the woman’s face tends to go blank, then, when he says something to her she becomes animated again. I reckon that’s what David wanted from me, someone who only existed for him, like a doll or a puppet. Maybe he’d like it here.
I trekked out to the bus station today after nearly coming to blows with one of the most belligerent tuk-tuk drivers I’ve met so far. He didn’t seem to understand the concept of bargaining and would only accept forty baht. I offered twenty, thirty, even thirty-five but he was having none of it. I know I should have walked away but some perverse side of me made me accept his fare and, even when he dropped me two streets away from the bus station, I didn’t complain. It’s almost like I’ve lost heart. There are so many westerners here that I don’t want to be one of the usual tight gits – and anyway he probably charges all westerners a flat rate, so who am I to argue?
There should be no problem with the bus. I can get to Mae Hong Son in about four hours. The bus actually passes the point where I start my walk, but I’d have to leave here really early to be able to start at a reasonable time and I just can’t face that. The start of the trail is only about an hour from Mae Hong Son so I’m hoping to spend a couple of nights there and then catch a morning bus back to the starting point and walk while it’s cool.
Nobody smiles in this town. The Thais are too used to tourists to be bothered and the tourists are too used to each other to make any contact with strangers. It’s all very different from the other countries I’ve visited, where every westerner I saw wanted to compare experiences and every local either wanted to sell something, ask a question or just have a laugh. I feel more anonymous here than at any point in the last few months and I don’t like it. It’s weird, I wanted to just melt into the background and observe, but after three months on the road, three months of having to deal with all sorts of people and situations I don’t like blending in. I want contact. I’ve left behind one lot of restraints and constrictions and now I’m suddenly living within another. I can only hope it will be better away from the city.
I spent the rest of today at the hotel so there’s not much to report. I’ve had a swim, after waiting for most of the men to leave the poolside, and I’ve done quite a lot of reading. I managed to find a really cheap internet place so I’ve e-mailed Penny details of my route and my plans. At least this way, if anything happens, Penny can raise the alarm. She’s expecting to hear from me by the end of December. I thought I’d better allow some time for falling in love with the villages and not wanting to come back to this shit hole. It feels a bit ‘anal’ to be telling Penny exactly where I’m going, but I’ve never done anything like this before and I’ll feel safer if someone at home has a good idea of where I am and where I’m going.
Time to find some food. I think I’ll be a bit more adventurous tonight and try something more exotic than chicken and chips.
December 3rd – Mae Hong Son
God, I’m knackered! The four-hour journey took virtually all day and it was practically dark when I got here last night. We set off on time from Chiang Mai and the first two hours of the journey were uneventful. The bus was almost full of tourists – I think I counted six local people who looked a bit fed up about having their luggage space taken over by thirty huge rucksacks. I managed to squeeze mine into the seat with me. It was squashed against my knees but at least it wasn’t causing problems for anyone else. Most of the other bags ended up in the aisles and in a cavernous, dirty space underneath the floor of the bus.
The scenery became increasingly interesting as we got further out from the city and headed into the mountains. It’s very different from the mountainous regions of China and Vietnam as there’s little to see except forest. All the hills are covered in trees and the roads snake along through tunnels of light cut into the greenery. After an hour we began some serious climbing round a series of hairpin bends, which the driver seemed to enjoy taking at speed. He’d crawl for a few yards then floor the accelerator at the last minute and swing wide round the bend. I watched the little boy next to me turn green each time and knew it wouldn’t be long before we were revisited by the crisps his mother had been forcing down him since we left the bus station. At least he pointed his head away from me when he did eventually throw up. I was so glad that I hadn’t stowed my bag in the aisle.
Our first major stop was a small town called Pai. It seems to be a big backpacker place as all the signs were in English and they all seemed to be advertising cookery courses and cheap accommodation. It looked like a nice spot to spend a few days though. I might give it a closer look on the way back. Most of the foreign tourists got out at Pai and the remaining passengers spread out along the bus. The driver and his mate got out and tinkered for half an hour and then we were on our way again… for about three miles. Just after a particularly vomit-inducing bend we hit a hill and… nothing. The engine roared, the driver swore but the bus started to roll back down. This manoeuvre was repeated three times and then we were all asked to get out.
There was enough shade to get comfortable at the side of the road so I settled down for a while. There were only about ten of us at this point, two other westerners and what appeared to be an extended Thai family. The Thais obviously had a better idea about bus maintenance than the tourists as they soon flagged down a passing pick-up truck and piled in. I smiled ruefully at the two Brits sitting opposite me, but they just looked away, embarrassed at my attempt to establish a bond. We sat in silence for about twenty minutes until the bus roared into life and disappeared round the next bend with our bags still on board.
I leapt to my feet but the other two simply shrugged. I half expected one of them to say, ‘Hey, it happens all the time. Chill out,’ or other words of hippy wisdom but they simply sat.
Eventually, the driver returned on foot and gestured to the road. After a few tries we gathered from his sign language that there was another bus due and we were to get on it. I tried to ask about the bags but he simply pointed up the hill. The next bus did arrive as predicted – after we’d been waiting for an hour and a half! Fortunately, after a couple of minutes, it stopped next to our old bus which was parked in a cutting at the top of the hill. We jumped off to grab our luggage and the new bus got us to Mae Hong Son without breaking down.
I’m now sitting on my own veranda listening to the cicadas and watching the moths battering the pale bulb above my table. I managed to get pizza in town and I found a shop selling real European wine so I’m indulging in a glass before bed. There doesn’t seem to be much to do in Mae Hong Son but I’ve only got one day here so I’m sure I can keep myself occupied.
December 4th – Mae Hong Son
I was right, there isn’t much to do in Mae Hong Son. I had breakfast quite late as I managed to finish the bottle of wine that I bought yesterday and slept really well, then I wandered into town to see the sights. There aren’t any! I spent most of the day sitting in cafés drinking cold drinks.
The highlight of the day was a twilight climb up the hill which overlooks the town. I had to wait until quite late in the day as it’s been incredibly hot today and the humidity makes doing anything at all very uncomfortable – at least some of the cafés have air-con. The walk to
the top of the hill was really quiet. I think I only saw two people all the way up, which didn’t prepare me for the crowds at the top. The wat up there seems to be some sort of tourist attraction. I couldn’t quite work out what was going on, but it was like a small market built around the temple. Most people seemed to be buying miniature hot air balloons – paper bags with small candles underneath – the sky was full of them, all rising at different speeds and growing brighter as the sky darkened.
I managed to find a quiet spot behind a minor wat. The view was stunning – layer upon layer of forested hills stretching across into Burma with the sun setting behind the furthest mountains. It really looks like the whole area is totally uninhabited. All my doubts about the next few days have disappeared. It was so peaceful sitting on top of the hill that I want to find more places like that. I really want to get off the beaten track and do some serious exploring away from the supercilious looks of other more experienced travellers. I want to be out of touch with the rest of the world.
I’ve checked the route again – it’s marked on a road map of the area so it should be easy to find. I spotted the bus stop yesterday so I know where to get off. All I have to do now is pack my rucksack and get some sleep. God knows when I’ll sleep in a proper bed with sheets again.
XV
Despite the early hour, the bus station was the most crowded place Kai had encountered since she’d left the hospital and she didn’t feel fully prepared for the hordes of people swarming around the kiosks. Their tuk-tuk driver had taken them as close to the waiting area as possible – following Mark’s instructions carefully in the hope of a big tip – and Mark had left her on a hard, plastic seat while he’d gone to buy the tickets. The row of fixed chairs was full to overflowing and Kai tried not to respond to the jostling from the child sitting next to her, precariously balanced on his mother’s lap. Instead she studied her surroundings, trying to take in details. She knew she’d been here before: something should be familiar.
Forgotten: a truly gripping psychological thriller Page 21
