by K Alexander
Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO RESCUING AND MAINTAINING DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
BY
K. ALEXANDER
Ebook by
PDAFiction.com
DISCLAIMER
Though the characters in this tale may physically remind you of people that you know, they are in no way affiliated with, or based upon, the characters of Xena and Gabrielle as used in Xena: Warrior Princess. It may shock you; nay, disgust you to know that I have watched barely three episodes of your favourite TV series (perhaps four years ago?) and so would not be able to draw upon those characters even if I wanted to. Not my fault, mind you, but that of the broadcasting authorities in my country. However, I am aware of certain physical similarities and therefore invite you to employ your own wild imagination to make the leap.
SEX / VIOLENCE / DRAMA / TRAUMA / SINGING / SWEARING / BAD FASHION / TEMPER TANTRUMS / DISTURBING HABITS WARNING They were tough times, my friends. Dragons, sword-fighting, spouting blood, ale and poufy dresses. And those were just the theme parties. This is a very light-hearted tale with sharp moments but there is nothing that could offend you, methinks. Only one thing: if you're reading this for the sex, you've just wasted one and a half minutes. Subtext. That's all you're getting. Overt, blatant, unashamed tongue-in-somebody-else's-cheek, but subtext nonetheless.
COMMENTS You are most welcome to share them with me, as long as you adore me madly. No, but really. Constructive criticism will be welcomed with open arms. As will credit card details, money orders, cheques, cheese wheels and Diane Lane. Find me at:
[email protected]
AND FINALLY I hope that you enjoy reading this every bit as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Updated 19/10/2006
THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO
RESCUING AND MAINTAINING
DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
CHAPTER ONE
THE DARK KNIGHT hacked valiantly through the thick brambles surrounding the castle. It might have been a noble sight had it not been for the constant and innovative cursing coming from beneath the visor. It only ceased once the tall figure had reached open space and stood for a moment to catch a much-needed breath. Only then did the giant three-headed dog clear his throat almost politely. The knight froze, head tilted back to take in the sight of the huge beast with the slightly embarrassed grin on all three of his faces. Then, with a resigned oath, the knight slid the handkerchief into a bracer and reached for the sword. "Oh bugger."
It was at the top of the turret - what a surprise - that the knight found the princess asleep on an artfully rumpled bed. Her blonde hair was spread around her face on the pillow, framing her features beautifully. The knight did not really care. Sheathing the sword the tall character strode across the floor and leaned over the woman. Her lips puckered ever so slightly.
"Hey," the knight said politely. Her eyes remained tightly shut. Scowling, the armoured figure leaned in closer and spoke directly into her ear.
"HEY".
The word was louder this time and a delicate frown line appeared on her forehead, but her eyes stayed shut. With a snort the knight pulled off the helmet, then took hold of her shoulders and shook her rather sharply.
"Rise and shine, princess!"
The loud words echoed in the almost empty room. Her hair tangled around the knight's arms and now the sleeping woman had a definite frown on her face. "Kiss me" she mumbled from the corner of her mouth.
"Huh?"
"Kiss me, you idiot!" she breathed again, then attempted to assemble her facial expression into a less irritated one. With a sigh and a shrug the knight leaned over and planted a smacking kiss on her lips. The princess slowly opened her eyes and smiled dreamily.
"My knight in shining..."
Her eyes focused on the square but decidedly female face above her. "...what the...?" She rose quickly, then fell right back with the knight almost collapsing on top of her.
"Owww!"
"Lie still for a moment - your hair is caught in my bracer..."
"I can FEEL that! Can you just... what in the... ow ow OW!"
The knight managed to untangle herself and straightened up. "Sorry 'bout that". With a scowl the princess sat up again and combed her hair rather irritably with her fingers. "What I have to put up with.... what are you doing here?"
Frowning slightly the knight peered at the princess for a moment. "I came to... rescue you?" she ventured. "Isn't that the point? Chop down the thorny bits, kill the three-headed thing..."
"You KILLED him?"
"Well, no. I gave him my lunch."
The princess stopped combing her hair and looked at the knight incredulously. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then shut it again and shook her head. The knight tried another smile and removed a clump of blonde hair from her bracer. She looked at it for a moment and then politely offered it to the princess, who ignored her pointedly.
"So if we can just get going..."
"Look, it's very nice of you to drop by and everything, thanks for the effort and I'll be sure to write you a nice poem or something. You're just not..."
"Not what?"
"Not what I expected."
"What? My hair the wrong colour? Plenty of things rhyme with black."
"No, no, you have very nice hair, it's just… you're not…"
"Is it because I bribed the monster with sandwiches??"
"No, no, that's not the POINT!" The princess exhaled angrily and mentally stamped her feet a few times. "The POINT is that I lie here asleep and serene until a handsome prince wakes me with his gentle kiss, and then we go off on his horse to his kingdom where I rule by his side happily ever after."
The knight lifted an arched eyebrow and looked less than impressed. "You've had way too much free time to think about this."
"Princesses have nothing BUT free time, I'll have you know. Now can you just..."
She made a shooing motion towards the knight, then lay back down and started to arrange her hair across the pillow again. With a glower the knight watched her for a moment and then picked up her helmet.
"Right, so you can just give me the crown and I'll be out of your hair."
"WHAT?"
"I said, just give me..."
"I HEARD what you said, bu... why would I give you my crown?"
Sighing, the knight sat down on the corner of the bed. "It's like this. Either you give me your crown so I can feel like I didn't just waste an entire day, or I take you back to your ever-so-grateful father who reimburses me richly for returning his daughter to him". She scratched nonchalantly at a mud-spatter on her armor, ignoring the incredulous expression on the other woman's face.
"What if I refuse?"
"I can carry you downstairs and tie you to my saddle."
Muttering evilly the princess sat up and plastered a sickly sweet smile on her face. "Look, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot here. I appreciate you coming all this way, I really do, but this just won't..."
"Tied upside down on a horse. Just imagine."
&nb
sp; "But if you just..."
"Crown, horse, crown, horse..."
"But..."
"Horse?"
"FINE."
"Fine."
The knight scowled and rubbed a hand across her throbbing head. Her jaw was aching and she was pretty sure that her molars had all been ground down to stubs by now. The pouting had gone on for longer than she knew any human could maintain it, but then it had turned into a running commentary about the surrounding forest, which in turn had given way to this awful howling that the princess seemed to consider singing. Currently the royalty in question was finishing the fourteenth verse of a song that should have been off-limits to someone of her standing, not to mention vocal abilities.
"So the very tired Innkeeper
Looked at the newlywed
With his blush becoming deeper
He cleared his throat and said:
'The walls are thin and I'm a light sleeper...'"
She had not spoken to the knight since they left the castle, merely shaken her head indicating that she'd rather walk than ride, and then set off in an arbitrary direction with her nose pointed firmly at the sky. But somewhere along the way her natural loquaciousness had apparently set in and now the horse was being subjected to random verbal outpourings.
As the princess took a deep breath to prepare for the infamous verse fifteen the knight took advantage of the silence and butted in.
"Princess..."
"Don't call me that"
"But that's what you are... Aren't you?"
"Yes, but the way you say it makes me sound like a disease."
The knight could not remember having sighed as many times in her whole life as she had in the last day.
"Then what?"
"Just call me Helena. Although I'm sure you'll be able to make that sound horrid as well."
Ignoring the impatient sigh Helena turned away imperiously and started walking a little faster. To the knight's great irritation her horse followed placidly.
"Traitor" she mumbled under her breath.
"Did you say something?"
"I was talking to my horse."
"So was I." Helena levelled a narrow-eyed look at the knight and patted the horse's neck in an enthusiastic but thoroughly inept fashion. "So, girl, I bet you could tell me about a lot of interesting adventures".
"Yep," the knight replied as she shot Helena an innocent smile. "Perhaps the most exciting day in her life was when she turned into a boy horse."
A brilliantly evil look was tossed in her direction.
"I wasn't talking to you."
"Yeah. I know. You were talking to Toby."
It was nearing dusk when the knight started looking around for an appropriate spot to make camp. Momentarily diverted, it was only when she heard a rustle that she turned around to be greeted with the sight of Helena marching as valiantly as ever into a random direction, and also directly through a small tough shrub. However pleasurable it might have been for the knight to let her struggle through similarly aggressive vegetation for a little longer, the princess had already wandered off a good distance and it was getting dark. Motioning Toby into a slow trot she pulled up next to the flushing blonde and cleared her throat.
"Oh what?"
"I'm making camp in that direction. When you're finished molesting that plant I'd suggest that you join me by the fire."
"I'd rather dance the two-step with a bald peg-legged beggar with fleas, but thanks ever so much anyway."
Placidly the knight contemplated this comment while Helena tried without luck to rid herself of the thorny vines by stomping her feet. Gradually her stomping grew slower and finally she stood still, glaring at the knight much as usual.
"So?"
A furrow creased the square brow.
"So what?"
"Where's the clever little comment? You'd never let that one go." Helena looked almost insulted. The knight thoughtfully rolled her jaw around a bit, more to taunt the princess than anything else. There was a potent moment of silence. Then:
"I reckon not."
CHAPTER TWO
THERE WAS A slight breeze blowing amongst the trees, which only served to numb the princess's jutting bottom lip further. She was attempting to maintain a perfect sulky pout, but to her great consternation - and indignation - this did not appear to have the slightest effect on the knight. Peering from under her long lashes (surreptitiously, of course) the pouting princess found that the knight was in fact meticulously cleaning her nails with a sharp stick and a great degree of concentration. When the dark woman felt the green eyes on her she intensified her attack, poking her tongue from one side of her mouth for greater effect.
Helena pondered for a moment the mind that would find such a mundane task so intensely riveting. It did not bode well for her forthcoming journey - or for anything much, in fact. Deciding to abandon her pout forthwith, the princess tucked her lip into her mouth and chewed on it thoughtfully to encourage the bloodflow. A quick glance at the knight confirmed that she was still folded double with her brow furrowed, poking carefully at the same dirty nail.
With a sigh Helena studied the gleaming black hair for a moment. There was nothing for it; she was going to have to have a conversation, even if only with this … well. Clearing her throat pointedly she waited for the other woman's response. What would have been polite would of course have been for the knight to immediately lay down her sharp stick and say "Yes, m'lady" attentively. As it was the woman in question merely gave a very unladylike sniff (more of a snort, perhaps) and wiped furiously at her itchy nose for a moment before she returned to her task. Gritting her teeth resolutely Helena cleared her throat once more, staring at the knight with the greatest intensity she could muster. The dark woman just continued to clean her nails, pausing only once to wave away an insistent gnat.
"Knight!" Helena's voice was very startling and strident in the silence.
The knight cleaned the last nail and discarded the stick neatly in the fire, then glanced up. "Indeed."
At the irate look on Helena's face she gave a small smile.
"It crept up on us."
Helena folded her arms rather aggrievedly. "That's not what I meant and you know it! I do not find you amusing in the slightest!"
Grinning, the knight pulled a green apple from her saddlebag and rubbed it against her shift a few times. Then she took a great bite from it, speaking through her methodical chewing.
"That's a pity, for sure."
Helena was about to start stamping her foot petulantly when she realised that the knight's lusty chewing would probably take precedence over any kind of satisfactory reaction. Gritting her teeth she decided to take the horse by the reins, so to speak. Subtlety was obviously wasted on this person.
"What is your name, knight?"
The knight chewed happily for a moment and then - thankfully - swallowed before she answered.
"Crispin."
"Excuse me?"
This time the knight spoke through the obstacle in her mouth.
"Wha? I thed Cwispin."
The princess wrinkled her nose distastefully at the sight of mangled apple.
"Close your mouth. Crispin is a boy's name."
"I can't answer your silly questions if I close my mouth. And do I look like a boy?" Crispin raised one eyebrow over her apple. To her extreme indignation the princess actually pondered the question, studying first her simple clothing, and then her rough dirty boots. Then, with an almost imperceptible glance at her chest, Helena frowned.
"I suppose not."
Snorting, Crispin took another bite from her apple and chewed loudly before she spoke. "So? If I'm not a boy and my name is Crispin, then Crispin is not a boy's name."
"Ha!" Helena gave a rude bark of laughter which was so loud it startled even her. "Your logic is terrible."
Crispin shrugged rather noncommittally. "I'm a knight, not a scientist. Ask me about dragons or horses or swords or something."
Chewing the inside of
her lip pensively Helena tried - and failed - to conjure up an acceptable question. She just wasn't interested in dragons or horses or armour, darn it. She decided to try the next best option.
"What do you do… when you're not doing this, I mean?"
The knight furrowed her brow for a moment before she answered.
"Oh. I'm a ladies' bloomer merchant."
Helena's eyes widened in amazement. "Really??"
"Yes. But not at night. Then I'm a hired mercenary for carnival folk."
Helen gave a squeal of fury and jumped up, stalking off to a shadowy corner. From the darkness her voice came floating out, pouty and petulant.
"Why do you have to be such a pain in the backside?!"
Crispin seemed to consider the question briefly, her long finger tapping her chin. Then, shrugging, she rolled back and sat cross-legged on her bedroll.
"It's not me. It's you." She waited patiently for the unintelligible profanities to subside (noting again just how inappropriate the princess's vocabulary was) before she continued. "Princess. If it looks like a knight. And it rides like a knight. And it rescues your lily-white pantaloons from a beast much like a knight would … then the chances are great that it is, ipso facto, a knight."
Helena was quiet for quite a while, and Crispin was just getting comfortable with the silence, when the slightly less sullen voice came drifting out again.
"Are you a knight all of the time?" Crispin gave an exasperated sigh, and Helena continued quickly. "It's just no profession for a lady!"
"Oh? Would you call me a lady?"
"Not to your face." There was a snigger from the trees. "Erm. Right. But what about a young man? And children and a family?"
Crisping shrugged and looked up at the stars.
"I am actually much fonder of dragons than I am of young men."
She cast a glance over her shoulder, appearing to pinpoint Helena's location with her blue eyes. "Come closer to the fire."
