by Claire Adams
"Lilly? Are you okay? Where are you?" Kate, my tardy friend had returned my call at last.
"No, I’m not okay but I have help now so thank you." I was short with her too. See, Bullet? I am an equal opportunity abuser this morning.
"Do you need me to come to your apartment? I can be there in five minutes." Kate sounded concerned and I appreciated her but I really just wanted to be alone right now. It was bad enough that I was riding home with Bullet.
"No thanks. I will call you later. Bye!" I turned to him and said, "What were you saying?"
"Well it may seem inappropriate to you, but here it goes. I just want to say thank you for last night. I have been going through some things myself. I was lonely, I saw you there and I felt as if we had hit it off. I am going to be very honest with you, in the past I have been a jerk to women. I did not care about them because I only cared about myself. I don’t feel that way about you. I wasn’t looking to use you for my pleasure. When I was with you I wanted to please you. That never happens to me. I know this is not what you want to hear right now. You have a hangover, I do too, but since you cannot remember as well as I do, I wanted to tell you what I thought and what I felt. I think you are sweet and special. I meet many beautiful women in my line of work but none as smart and beautiful as you. I should not tell you this either but here it goes. I think, no, I know that we probably could have had something special together." The whole time he talked to me, he did not look at me — he kept his eyes focused on the road. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. It sounded as if Dr. Bullet Steinmann had a thing for me. Unless of course, he was lying his pants off. Guys do that from time to time. Ethan taught me that!
"Regardless of what I just said, I am a professional above everything else. I take my sacred oaths seriously. If you choose to keep me as your cosmetic surgeon, I promise to be professional above all else. I know I can provide safe quality work. I do not want you to go somewhere else. But that is up to you."
The security guard at the gate waved us through. I hoped he was not a gossiper. We stopped in front of my building and I looked at Bullet through my pink-hued glasses. "I appreciate your honesty with me. It is nice to know and it is not entirely your fault. I do not believe you took advantage of me in the sense that you did something nefarious to me. I got drunk; I was attracted to you — end of story. I know I was ridiculous when I woke up but please keep in mind I woke up in a strange place, not remembering what had happened to me or where I was. That is not something that happens to me. I do not enjoy that. In addition, for the record, no matter what you remember, I do not sleep around. In fact, I have not been with anyone in almost 9 months. So thanks for the ride. I will think about what you told me and I will let you know my decision. I am determined to have this surgery done but I have some questions."
"I'm sure you do, Lilly. You have my card with all of my numbers. Please call me. I am here if you want me as a doctor or just as a friend. I can separate those two. Go get some rest and drink plenty of water." I nodded behind my big oversized glasses and climbed out of the car. If I had not been so totally hung over, I would have complimented him on his Audi 6.
I watched him drive off and another car pulled up. I knew whose old green beater that was — it was Kate. She looked bright eyed and happy, a rare combination for her. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in."
"Don't give me a hard time, woman! Help me into the house. I feel like my head is going to explode. Either that or I am going to die of shame." I jangled the keys until I found the right one. I slid it into the door and practically fell into my apartment. I kicked off my shoes and stripped off my dress. I walked to the bathroom and Kate followed me. She was not one to stand on ceremony. I turned on the showerheads, stripped down and climbed in.
"I don't know what the big deal is. You had a great time right?"
I squirted shampoo into my hand and worked suds through my hair. "I would agree with you if I can remember. I remember pieces, but I don't have a full memory of last night."
"That can happen when you choose to drink too much." Kate shared her trademark, wicked chuckle.
"What about you? You drank as much as I did. You aren't dying." I grabbed a loofah and began to scrub last night away.
"Yes, and it is called conditioning, lassie." Kate mocked me with an over emphasized expression of her native accent. "You don't have the bones to drink hard liquor. That is a privilege reserved for the Irish."
I turned off the shower and reached for a soft towel. I twisted my long hair squeezing out the water and then began patting it dry. I wrapped the towel around my head and grabbed another one for my body, stepping out of the shower. "The truth is I am mad as hell at Dr. Steinmann for not stopping me. He should have said no. He should've refused."
"Why would he do that? You are beautiful, available and coming onto him — why would he say that? Don't you think you are making a big deal out of nothing? I mean I know it has been a long time since you have been with someone, but you’re kind of acting like a jerk. I mean, did he hurt you? Did he ask you to do something weird? Was he just totally gross?"
"No! Nothing like that. He was not weird, and he did not hurt me, well not in a bad way. There is nothing gross about him either. It just wasn't the way I wanted things to be." I flopped on my bed ready to pass out and get some more sleep.
"It all boils down to this my dear, you are a dater. You are not a one-night stand kind of girl and there is nothing wrong with that. Some women are, some women are not. I think once you get some sleep you will feel better. Hey, at least he brought you home, right? That has to count for something." Kate pulled the covers over me. "You could have done much worse. Bullet Steinmann is an extremely gorgeous man. I bet he was fun to play with. Tell me details!"
"Please, Kate. I want to sleep and not think about anything. If I can remember details, I will give them to you tomorrow, okay?"
Kate dragged herself off my bed and closed the blinds. "Good night, Lilly. Call me later." She left, locking the door behind her.
Now that I was alone and in my own bed, I could think about last night. I struggled at first in my post-tequila haze, just remembering pieces of memories here and there. Eventually, I fell asleep and I dreamed of Bullet. About 1 o'clock that afternoon, I got up not feeling 100 percent but at least I could walk across the floor without wanting to throw up. I made a cup of coffee and sat on the floor next to my couch on my shag rug. I picked up my phone, no messages, no calls, thank goodness.
All of a sudden, I remembered everything. From the first shot to the last hug, it all came back in a wave of memories, and in none of them was I a victim. No, I had been a willing participant — from the beginning to the end. That puts things in a different perspective. I had unleashed my fury on a guy who had not deserved it. Bullet had been an attentive lover even though he was as intoxicated as I was. It still seemed wrong somehow but less so now that I could remember what happened. You are an ass, Lilly.
I had called Dr. Steinmann's office the day after our interlude to book an appointment with him. Partly because I wanted to apologize and half because I knew he was the best at what he did. I had full confidence that he would give me the best breast job available. It had been a week since I saw Bullet; he had not bothered to call or text me. I picked up the phone a few times but just could not bring myself to make the call. Now here I was back in Dr. Steinmann's Kansas City office waiting to see him.
I tried not to think about how long it took me to get dressed. I had carefully selected another silk bra and panty set, not pink this time but black. I had settled on jeans and a dress shirt for this appointment — I was trying to keep it casual. But I had to admit that I kind of looked forward to seeing him- again after all, he had been my only lover for the past eight months.
"Miss Brightwood!" Patsy leaned through the window and smiled at me. "You can step back now." I grabbed my leather purse and walked into the back offices. Patsy led me to a changing table room. "Dr. Steinmann will be
right with you."
"Okay, thank you." I sat in the same chair as last time, flipping through my phone messages while I waited. I was just finishing up a text to a study partner when Bullet walked in. He had a somber look, not as jovial and confident as the last time I visited him in his office.
He walked to the counter and flipped through my file, reviewing my information. "How have you been doing?" Well that was a reasonable question to ask; a good a place as any to start this conversation.
"Good. I really want to talk to you about..."
"Do you still plan to continue with your surgery? If so, my office manager tells me you need to choose a date before you leave since our schedule for the next few months is nearly full." He barely looked at me. What was going on here? Was he giving me the cold shoulder?
Maybe it was time to lay all my cards on the table. "I have to talk about that night or I won't be able to move past it. Can we talk?"
Bullet sat in the chair opposite me. He left my file on the counter. "I told you I was a professional and I'm doing my best not to mix personal with business. I have been more than willing to talk. If you remember correctly, I asked you to call me before I dropped you off but you chose not to. I understand that, you still blame me for that night and you believe that somehow I took advantage of you. I would rather talk about this outside of my office but since you bring it up, all I can say is I am sorry. It will never happen again. If I see you outside of the office, I will not bother you."
There was no hiding the stunned look on my face. This was not what I had expected and not what I wanted. I just wanted to talk, to sort out how I felt since that involved him. I wanted him in the conversation. He had told me he was sorry but what I was hearing was a little different. He sounded angry — no not angry. Could he be hurt? Could he see my not calling as a rejection? I don’t know but this was getting even more complicated. Still determined to explain myself I spoke up.
"I don't often indulge in alcohol and even less frequently do I go to clubs. Do not take this the wrong way but I had some attraction to you before I visited Allistair's. Seeing you there excited me but a sober Lilly would never have visited your hotel room on a whim." He didn't say a word, just looked at me. Man I can't read him at all! I stumbled on. "I know I made things worse by waking up like a screaming banshee. It was so out of character for me, it was easier to believe that you somehow coerced me there. I am sorry for that. I remember...I mean I know now that it was my idea too." He seemed to soften a little but we were both unsure about moving forward.
"As I told you before, I am not a nice guy, Lilly — I mean Miss Brightwood but I can assure you that I had no nefarious intentions towards you. I don't know what else to say."
With a weak smile I said, "I guess that's that then. Are you still prepared to do my surgery?"
"Are you still considering having surgery?"
"Absolutely! I want this; I have been waiting for this for a long time."
"Speaking strictly as a male, and not a doctor, I must confess to you that I think you have a fine figure. Not every man wants a woman with large breasts. Now, speaking as a surgeon, I can tell you that because you are so young and physically fit that the amount of loose skin available for an adjustment is limited. There is enough to go up a cup size but if you want more than that you are looking at more than one surgery. It will take time to stretch the skin but that is easy to do after the first implants."
"I do not plan to have more than one surgery. Going up a cup size is enough for me." I nodded in agreement. I didn’t want to overdo it.
"If you are determined to do this then that is good to hear- however many women say that in the beginning and find surgery kind of addictive. What happens if you feel that one cup size is not enough? Do you think you might change your mind?"
I laughed sourly. This was one weird conversation. "Wow, Dr. Steinmann. Are you fishing for more work?" I could tell he did not find my question amusing.
"No, Miss Brightwood. I am just presenting the facts to you. What you do with them is totally up to you. I have some special harnesses I would like to try on. They will give you a feel for weight and fit of your breasts. Now some breasts are globular, more round in shape while others have an oblong, or a peak shape. If possible, I would like to enhance your natural shape and not change it. Unless you had other ideas." Dr. Steinmann searched through a nearby cabinet looking for the items he described. He returned with two bra-like harnesses.
"Well, you're the expert. I trust your judgment on determining size and shape. Just out of curiosity, what shape are mine?" I tried not to stare into Bullet's blue eyes. If anyone knew the shape of my breasts, he did. The handsome doctor did not hide his amusement very well. I knew he was remembering our encounter but he did not look me in the eyes. Instead, he tugged at the Velcro on the first harness. "In my professional opinion," I noticed the emphasis on professional, "I would say you have the peak shape also described as champagne glasses. They are slightly triangular and full. You would be surprised at how many women want your particular breast shape. I would like to put this harness on you and I would ask you to wear it for a few days, just to get familiar with the extra weight. It goes under your shirt and sits over your bra or you can wear it without a bra."
"Okay, I can do that." I started to pull off my shirt.
"Just a minute, Miss Brightwood. Let me step outside so you can change in private. Once you get the harness on, knock on the door and I will come in and adjust it for you." He walked out before I could say anything. So, I guess that’s the way it’s going to be. He is all professionalism now. I guess he got what he wanted. Why do you care Lilly? You made it abundantly clear that you are not happy about sleeping with him. Now you will pay for it. I felt an overwhelming sense of regret. Kate was right — I had overreacted and now my tardy apology had not helped a bit. I took off my shirt and left on my bra. I closed the harness and tapped on the door. Dr. Steinmann came in and adjusted the straps.
"That wasn't too hard to put on? Was it?" He smiled at me. His blue eyes were irresistible. I had smile back.
"If only the surgery was that easy."
"To me, it is. It is a short surgery and the way I intend to do it, there is minimal pain. As far as this harness goes, wear it as often as you can. It will help prepare you for the additional weight of your enhanced breasts — and prepare you for the stares you will receive afterward. Women with more enhanced breasts tend to get a bit more notice. You seem like a modest person, are you prepared for all the catcalls and attention?" Modest, yeah, that is what I would call it. This was a man who had seen me in almost every sexual position I knew and he was calling me modest. I tried to pretend I did not feel his fingers on my flesh as he adjusted the back strap.
"I am skilled at ignoring people. I don’t think I will have a problem. Besides, this isn't for anyone but me." My stubborn nature appeared and my chin jutted out instinctively.
"Okay, as long as you know what you're doing. Let's make it official. You want to go up a cup size, so that will put you at a large C. We're going to keep your shape if possible. Sometimes when I get in there I may not find enough loose skin to make that happen. If that is the case, I won't have an option. Your breasts will appear more globular but I feel hopeful that we can keep your original shape."
"Thank you for your help, Dr. Steinmann. I really have no idea how any of this works and I am glad that I have you to help me."
"We have talked a little about the physical changes; now let's talk about some of the others. Of course, many women choose to have this surgery because they want to feel better about themselves. They believe that an enhancement of this sort will boost their confidence, make them feel sexy, and in some cases, it is a medical necessity. In almost all cases, I find that breast enhancement procedures are usually accompanied with some change in personality. I would hate to see an intelligent, attractive woman such as you get caught up in that sort of thing."
Despite the complements, I knew Dr. Steinmann wa
s not hitting on me but speaking from his very real experience. I was beginning to think that Bullet Steinmann was a little damaged — that somehow he was a bit broken. For some weird reason, I liked that. When I first met him, he seemed to perfect, just like the women I saw walking out of his office. But the more we talked the more I realized that he was a real guy. "So I guess what I'm saying to you, Miss Brightwood, is I would hate to see any cosmetic changes change your personality. You will probably feel empowered and that is natural but don't allow a cosmetic procedure to change who you are."
I chuckled at the idea of me getting full of myself over my new breasts. "Well unlike some of your patients, I don't think I will have that problem. I have Kate Nicholson in my life. My best friend will make sure I keep it real, doctor."
"I have no doubt she will try." He laughed aloud and my heart warmed. I vaguely remembered kissing those lips — I wished I could do it again. I had a wild idea. He might reject me after I rejected him so soundly, after our first and only night together but here goes...
"Would it be inappropriate to invite you to lunch today? I feel like I owe you a sandwich, drink, or something. I mean it is okay if you say no, I understand this is kind of short notice. I was just thinking well..."
Bullet seemed surprised by my question. I could tell this was not how he planned the conversation to go. Did I make a mistake by inviting him to lunch? Well if he said no, I deserved it. Maybe that would make us even. He stood up and raised a finger. "Let me check with my assistant. I don’t think I had anything planned for lunch but I need to see how much time I have. It would probably have to be somewhere close, is that okay? Or did you have somewhere particular in mind?"
"No, I had no particular plans. Anywhere is fine." He nodded and walked out of the room. What the hell was I doing? After the verbal spanking I gave him about being professional, and sleeping with his patients, now I’m asking him out? I couldn’t help myself. There was something about him besides his devilishly good looks and obvious professional talent that I liked. Oh no, I liked him. I sighed and put my head in my hands. Wow, Lilly. You sure know how to pick them. Five minutes later Dr. Steinmann returned.
