by Rachel Bach
I pressed a hand to my mouth, fighting not to gag. I’d known something awful must have happened to make Caldswell so bitter, but the truth was even worse than I could have imagined. “What happened after that?” I asked when I got my voice back. “How did he cope?”
“He didn’t,” Rupert said. “Caldswell went AWOL, vanished for two years without a trace. Fleet command put in temporary commanders while he was gone, but none of them could handle Brenton, who took Caldswell’s desertion very badly.”
My disbelief must have been clear on my face, because Rupert explained, “They used to be very close. The two of them were Maat’s original Eyes, back before the daughters when she could actually travel and take on phantoms herself. When Caldswell finally came back, Brenton tried to get him reinstated as commander, but fleet command wouldn’t have it. They wanted to court-martial him, but Caldswell’s experience was too valuable, so they demoted him to field commander. He’s been there ever since, running things for the rotating roster of commanding officers that Starfleet keeps installing. Commander Martin is our seventh commander since Caldswell’s demotion.”
“Why did Caldswell return?” I asked, because I didn’t think I would have ever come back after that.
Rupert sighed. “Because defeating the phantoms has been Caldswell’s purpose from the very beginning. He told me once that if he gave that up, he’d have nothing. He also came back because he didn’t want anyone else repeating his mistake. He tells the story of his family’s death to every candidate before they agree to the symbiont implantation. Fleet command tries to stop him because he scares away half of the applicants, but he always gets his way in the end. He might not be the head of the Eyes anymore, but very few people will say no to Commander Caldswell.”
“It didn’t scare you away.”
“I never thought I’d have someone to kill,” Rupert said sadly. “Now I’ve made the same mistake Caldswell did.”
“Except I’m still alive,” I pointed out. “You didn’t kill me.”
“But I will.” His voice sounded so tired now. Defeated, I realized with a chill. “So long as I care about you, my symbiont will see you as a target and try to kill you any chance it gets.” He reached out as he spoke, running his fingers gently through my hair. “I knew that, but I selfishly stayed by you. I wanted to be with you so badly I convinced myself I could manage the risk, and it nearly got you killed. I can’t put you in that situation again.”
My chest tightened with every word. I could see where this was going, just like I could see the resolve in Rupert’s eyes when he dropped his hand. He was going to leave. “No,” I said.
Rupert sighed. “Devi…”
“No,” I said again, louder this time. I might have just been brooding over how Rupert poisoned my resolve and made me weak, but like hell was I going to let him run out on me. Especially not over a problem that could be solved with some metal cables and a sturdy bed bolted to a bulkhead. “You are not leaving.”
Rupert’s eyes widened at my vehemence, and for a moment, he looked almost hopeful. But the spark died as quickly as it flared. “I have to,” he said, gently removing me from his lap as he stood. “I put you in danger just by—”
“The only way you put me in danger was by not telling me this shit earlier!” I yelled, ignoring the pain in my throat as I shot to my feet as well. “If you want to beat yourself up over something, beat yourself up over that, but like hell am I letting you abandon me out of some stupid, chivalrous, self-punishing sense of guilt.”
“It’s not—” He cut off, gritting his teeth. “I am trying to protect you.”
“Well don’t,” I snapped, pointing at my neck. “You think this frightens me? This is nothing. I’ve done worse to myself by accident while drunk. I’m not scared of you, and I’m not scared of your symbiont!”
Rupert’s eyes flashed with anger. “You should be.”
“Why, because it wants to kill me?” I shouted, standing on my toes so I could yell in his face. “Tell it to take a goddamn number!”
“This is not open for argument,” he said fiercely. “I have to do this, Devi.”
“Why?” I snarled.
“Because I can’t lose you!” Rupert shouted. His voice cracked on the words, but it wasn’t until he wrapped me so tight in his arms I could barely breathe that I realized Rupert’s panic hadn’t actually gone away yet.
“I can’t lose you,” he whispered into my shoulder, his accent thicker than I’d ever heard it. “If I killed you, I can’t even think what I would do. I don’t want to leave, but I can’t do this again. I can’t risk you.”
I sighed against him, snuggling into his chest. I knew this was counterproductive. I should stay mad at him, use anger to widen the distance between us for my own protection, but I couldn’t. Forget weak, I practically melted against him, wrapping my arms around his neck to slide my fingers through the silky fall of his long black hair.
He froze when I touched him, holding so still I could feel his frantic heartbeat thrumming like a drum against my skin. He was so scared, I realized, deadly terrified, and all for me. And as I listened to the pounding of his hectic pulse, it occurred to me for the first time that I was an even greater weakness for Rupert than he was for me.
That realization sent a crushing wave of tenderness through me, and I knew I’d just lost another inch in my fight not to get pulled any further into this doomed relationship. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to care. I still had to talk Rupert down before he gave himself a heart attack.
“You’re right,” I said solemnly, locking my fingers at his nape. “This won’t be happening again, because I know what to expect now. The next time you go to sleep, we’ll chain you up and let your symbiont thrash all it wants. I’ll wear my suit just in case, and if it tries to take me out again, I’ll give it some new instincts about not messing with Paradoxians. But under no circumstances will I let you leave.”
Rupert opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. “You want to protect me?” I said sharply. “Then stay here and help me see this through. That’s what I need from you, not some self-sacrificing bull about leaving me for my own safety. You were the one who promised I wouldn’t have to do this alone, right? So prove it. Stay with me.” I tilted my head back, smiling up at him. “Please.”
Rupert took a deep breath. “Are you sure you want me to?”
“What kind of question is that?” I asked, giving him a skeptical look. “You put yourself on my team, remember? Like hell am I letting you off the hook.”
Rupert didn’t seem to have an answer for that. He just stood there, looking at me with some strong emotion I couldn’t name, and then he hugged me tight, pressing me into his chest. He didn’t say anything, didn’t make a sound, but I could feel him shaking harder than ever, his fingers digging into my back until I tensed.
“Sorry,” he whispered, loosening his hold at once.
“It’s okay,” I said softly, locking my arms around his chest before he could pull away. When he stopped trying, I pressed my face against his ruined shirt, which still smelled like burning plasma. “It’s okay, Rupert.”
I’m not sure how long we stayed like that. It felt like hours, but it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes before the soft tone of the hyperspace exit alarm pulled us apart. Rupert let me go reluctantly, trailing his fingers down my arms like he wanted to keep touching me for as long as possible.
He still looked like hell, though. “Would you like me to get you a drink or something?” I asked softly. “Anthony stashed some whiskey in the freezer.”
Rupert shook his head. “Symbiont metabolism is incompatible with alcohol. We digest it before it can do anything.”
I arched an eyebrow. “So if you can’t get drunk, what were you doing that night in the lounge?”
He sighed as he walked toward the pilot’s seat. “Trying very, very hard.”
Inappropriate as it was, that made me giggle. I was just walking up to take my own seat
when he suddenly said, “Thank you.”
“For what?” I asked. “Not taking your bullshit? ’Cause I do that free of charge.”
Rupert must have been feeling better, because that got a laugh out of him. “Thank you for drinking with me that night and for not letting me go now,” he said as I sat down. “Thank you for not hating me.”
Maybe I’d hit my head at some point during our fight, because when I got that sudden feeling like my heart was too big for my chest, it didn’t bother me at all. “My pleasure,” I said, shooting him a smile.
He smiled back. A real, wide, honest-to-god smile that went straight to my head and left me stupid and breathless. Sacred King, I thought as I fumbled with my harness, I’d forgotten how good he looked when he did that. He was still doing it, too, the bastard, smiling to himself as he worked the controls. Even when it wasn’t directed at me, the warm turn of his lips made my stomach do all kinds of acrobatics.
Get a grip, idiot, I snarled at myself when I finally managed to tear my eyes away. What part of ‘Nothing could come of this’ didn’t I understand? I had a job to do, one that a lot of good people had sacrificed for. The whole universe could be riding on my virus, and if I let myself get distracted away from that because of a stupid man and his stupid smile, then I was the most selfish, awful, empty-headed idiot of a merc girl ever to put on a suit.
Properly chastised, I turned away from Rupert and began trying to rebuild my walls. I was so busy listing all the ways the events of the last half hour were never happening again, I didn’t even realize the line of phantoms that had been tormenting me for the last four hours had vanished until the jump flash started washing over the ship.
I twisted around in the chair, positive they must have just moved off while I wasn’t looking, but I didn’t catch so much as a glimmer. I was still looking when the jump flash faded, leaving us floating high above a small, cold world.
That made me forget about the phantoms real quick. “God and king,” I grumbled, leaning forward to get a better view of Kessel’s icy mountains, which looked just as cold and miserable as I remembered. “Never thought I’d be back at this dump.”
“You’ve been here before?” Rupert asked, surprised.
“Of course,” I said. “I’m a merc. Kessel is a lawless pirate haven. When pirates steal something valuable from people they shouldn’t, we get hired to steal it back.” And make an example of the thief, which was my favorite part of Kessel missions. “I took my team here to retrieve a shipment not six months ago, right before I quit the Blackbirds. Well, fourteen months ago, counting the eight we lost, but you get the idea.”
“Good,” Rupert said. “So you know how to find a reputable doctor, then.”
“On Kessel?” I said with a snort. “No such thing. We don’t need a doctor, anyway. I’m fine.”
Rupert shot me a cutting glare that had me throwing up my hands. “No,” I said. “Did you not listen to what I just said? It’s a pirate haven. If I go into a clinic down there, I’ll probably come out short half my organs.”
“Your neck needs more than I can do with first aid,” Rupert said, crossing his arms. “You’re going.”
I crossed my arms back. “I am not.”
When Rupert gave me an implacable look, I arched an eyebrow, daring him. But Rupert could be as stubborn as I was when he put his mind to it, and I could almost see him digging for a long fight as he put the ship on auto and turned his chair to face me. I didn’t care. I’d do an arena fight naked before I set a toe inside a Kessel medhack’s lair. But Rupert clearly wasn’t going to see reason easily, so I settled in for the long haul, pressing my back deep into the hard chair as we both began to push.
CHAPTER 4
I caved after only twenty minutes.
Not from any lack of dedication on my part. I would have kept going until the king came to take me home, but the anti-inflammatory shot Rupert had given me had started to wear off halfway through, and the fact that I was having trouble speaking through the swelling was fatally undermining my “I don’t need a doctor” argument. Even if I’d been perfectly fine, I don’t think I could have won. I might have convinced Rupert not to run off in a guilt-induced panic, but I could tell he still blamed himself for what had happened. He was going to get me to a doctor if he had to carry me kicking and screaming, and since we both knew he was perfectly capable of doing just that, it was probably better for everyone that I quit while I was ahead.
He gave me another anti-inflammatory shot to tide me over until we landed, prepping my arm so gently and expertly I didn’t even notice the needle until it was over. And weird as it sounded, I kind of liked that. I might have flat out hated the idea of getting my neck anywhere near the sort of unlicensed quack who’d set up shop on Kessel, but I had to admit it was nice to have someone who cared enough to take care of me even when I fought them. So nice, in fact, that I didn’t even feel too put out that I’d lost the argument—that was, until Rupert told me I couldn’t wear my armor.
“Are you out of your damn mind?” I cried, stabbing my finger against the ship’s window at the planet below. From orbit, Kessel looked a dirty snowball filled with bits of metal and rock, and this was the scenic distance. “That is a pirate haven that I used to raid. If I go down without my suit, I will be dead.”
“Unless you did that raiding with your helmet off, your chances of being recognized and attacked are actually lower without your suit,” Rupert calmly pointed out. “And it’s not like I’m asking you to go unarmed. You’ll have a gun and I’ll be with you the whole time. You’ll be perfectly safe.”
“I’ll be perfectly shot,” I snapped.
Rupert arched a skeptical eyebrow, and I stopped for a deep breath. “Listen,” I said, striving to match his calm. “You’re talking about landing a Paradoxian military ship in an enemy starport and then walking out barefaced. That’s like tying a bow made of bacon onto a pig and then throwing it into a shark-infested sea. They’ll shoot us and steal our ship just on principle.”
“Devi, if you go out there wearing your armor, you might as well throw a party to announce your presence here. I am completely confident in your ability to hold your own against a few pirates with or without your Lady, but I am far less sure of our odds for dodging the Eyes once they hear you’re on Kessel.”
“Eyes are not going to listen to pirate gossip about a supposedly dead merc,” I reminded him.
“Once your Anthony reports back to the Home Office that you’re alive, which he probably already has, they’ll listen to everything,” Rupert said. “Trust me, this way is much safer.”
I crossed my arms and glowered out the window. I couldn’t even say what I was angrier about—that I was going to a doctor on Kessel or that I’d be doing it unarmored. But pissed as I was, even I’m not stubborn enough to ignore sense when it’s spoken. Didn’t mean I had to like it, though.
“Fine,” I snarled. “But I’m bringing my case and weapons with me. First sign of trouble, I’m rolling everything I have.”
“Compromise accepted,” Rupert said, turning back to the flight controls. “Was that so hard?”
I glowered at him. “I think I liked you better when you were desperate for my forgiveness.”
“Really?” Rupert said as he began our descent. “I think you like someone who will stand up to you.”
I didn’t even dignify that with a response, focusing on the view outside as we entered Kessel’s cloud cover.
The trip down was a hairy one. A former corporate mining colony, Kessel had fallen on hard times when the minerals ran out. Its icy surface was littered with the husks of old extractors and huge, open pit mines filled with toxic yellow ice. There were underground mines, too, thousands of miles of abandoned tunnels that ran under the planet’s rocky exterior like termite tracks under bark. Combine that with Kessel’s isolated location far from the core worlds and a shoddy jump gate that tended to “malfunction” whenever the Republic Enforcers needed to use it and you had sm
uggler heaven.
We were headed for Kessel’s only real starport, located at the center of its only major city, the aptly named Port One. This wouldn’t have been a big deal on most planets, but Kessel’s mountainous terrain vastly limited the approach options, which meant that all incoming planetary traffic ended up funneled into a single flight path, and since pirate havens don’t bother with official flight towers or landing regulations, we were dodging ships the whole way down.
In addition to its starport, Port One had also been the central processing facility for Kessel’s mineral wealth. From the sky, you could still see the outlines of the huge factories and warehouse complexes under the crust of caked-on black ice and makeshift repairs. Since it was so cold, most of the planet’s population stayed underground all year long, but judging by how packed the starport was, Kessel was doing good business. There had to be a hundred ships parked on the dock where Rupert set us down, and every single one of them was old, dented, and armed to the teeth without a serial number in sight. They might as well have just spray painted PIRATE on the side and called it a day.
Since I wasn’t going to be wearing my armor like I’d expected to, my lack of shoes was now a problem. Rupert wasn’t much better. Dress shoes and a suit look nice on a ship, but they weren’t much good in the snow. If we were going to make it ten feet without freezing, we needed new clothes.
Fortunately, the Home Guard flies prepared for anything. The ready closet at the rear of our ship was stocked with gear for all kinds of weather. I found a thermal shirt and cargo pants to go over my tank top and leggings from the embassy and a pair of general-issue combat boots that, while two sizes too big, were better than nothing. But while I looked like a kid playing dress-up in my oversized clothes, Rupert looked amazing.
