by Rachel Bach
Like a mirage, the real world flickered back into view. I could see the wall of lelgis writhing like shadows cast by a fire. I could also hear the blast of Mia’s plasma echoing from very far away, and all at once, I realized this wasn’t the oneness at all. The darkness was too small, too thin, too finite. And there was light here, a soft glow radiating from the girl in my arms, the girl I was still holding despite the fact that I was sure I’d just been using both hands to snatch tentacles away from my neck.
I must not have actually moved my arms at all, because Maat was still clutched to my chest, only now she was glowing. In the strange, thin dark the lelgis queen had pulled me into, Maat shone like the moon. The light radiating from her was the same soft blue-white radiance that rose from the phantoms themselves, and it was getting brighter.
No!
Fast as they’d grabbed me, the queen’s black tendrils let me go, and I fell choking on the floor. The blackness wobbled when I hit, and for a moment I was back in the hallway with Rupert standing over me, Mia in his hands as he blasted the lelgis back. Before I could do anything, I was sucked back in the dark, but this time, Maat was standing beside me.
That wasn’t quite true. Maat’s body was still in my arms, fragile and limp as ever, but the scale-covered skeleton was just her shell, her mortal shadow. The girl standing beside me in the dark looked like the Maat I knew, the dark-haired, bright-eyed girl in the hospital gown who’d freed me from Caldswell, and her skin glowed like phosphorus as she reached down to help me stand.
“You came,” she said, her voice amazed.
“Of course I came,” I said, grabbing her hand. “I promised you I would.”
She yanked me to my feet with a grip that was every bit as strong as it had been back on Io5, and I felt new confidence wash over me as we turned together to face the lelgis, who was now cowering at the edge of Maat’s light.
Corrupt madness, the alien whispered, the words carrying a stab of hate and fear so intense it made me dizzy. Death will not be yours, mad one. You were given your purpose for the good of all. Go back to your duties now before you spread your corruption any—
“I will never go back,” Maat snarled, gripping my hand so hard I thought she’d break it right off. “I will never be your slave again! Maat will be free!”
You have no choice, the lelgis hissed. You are the wall that must not fall, the barrier against the flood.
“Never,” Maat spat. “Never, never, never, never.”
The repeated words began bumping into each other, but now that I wasn’t being choked to death, I was starting to realize this whole situation was off. “Hold on just a second,” I said. “Why does Maat have to keep being a wall? She was put here to plug the hole the phantoms came through, right? But they just want to go home. I can understand why you’d want to kill me, but why does Maat have to stay? If she opens the door, the phantoms go home and this whole goddamn mess solves itself.”
I cannot begin to describe how weird it felt trying to reason with a black monster I could only see in flashes, but my tolerance for weird shit had gotten pretty high of late, and I’d be damned if I kept my mouth shut when my life was one of the topics being discussed. Besides, I was genuinely confused. From what I knew of the lelgis, they considered themselves the immortal caretakers of the oneness. Heaven’s queens, Dr. Starchild had called them. That in mind, it just made no sense to keep the invading phantoms locked into a universe they only wanted to leave.
When I finished my question, a wave of pity and condescension washed over me. Poor dying mind, the queen whispered. You understand so little. You think we do not hear the aliens’ cries? Their pleading to go home? It has plagued us from the moment we shut the door, but what is that to us?
A lot, it seemed to me, but the lelgis wasn’t finished.
Our concern lies with this universe, it said, filling my mind with a sense of infinity. We are … The thing that came into my head next had no word to go with it, probably because there wasn’t a word in any language to represent the mix of motherhood and stewardship that rolled into my mind.
We were the first to touch the infinite, the lelgis continued. Therefore, it falls to us to protect it, to preserve the purity we were given. The creatures—a picture of an emperor phantom formed in my mind before falling away—are but annoyances, distractions best left to the lesser races. We care not if they come or go or live or die. Our priority is and will forever be to halt the corruption they brought with them.
As the lelgis finished, a story shoved its way into my mind. It was like watching a soundless movie. In it, I saw the oneness as the lelgis had shown it to me before: the infinite expanse of all things hanging in perfect darkness. Then, without warning, a tiny light broke through, carrying pollution into perfection. Everything the light touched was lessened, corrupted, in some cases completely broken down, and so the decision was made that it must be blocked. A queen was the only one who could manage such a feat, but queens were so vital and so few. To sacrifice one would lessen all, but who else could do such a task?
And then, like a gift, the answer appeared. A bumbling insect from one of the lower races who could brush the oneness. She would do. With her to block the light, the perfect darkness could be protected, and none of the great, powerful, irreplaceable queens of heaven would have to die. The perfect solution.
Now do you see, death? the lelgis said, shaping the tale back into words once more. It is not the phantoms that matter. We care nothing for your destroyed planets or the lives of your death-bound kind. Being mortal, your death is inevitable, but we are better. Even your limited mind can understand sacrifice, can it not? And so I ask you, what is one mad, death-doomed creature’s life to that of an eternal queen? What is her suffering next to the preservation of the perfect oneness? Her cries of slavery are mere selfish madness, but you are different. The lelgis’ presence curled to the very back of my head, its presence filling every nook and cranny until nothing was hidden. After all, are you not the one who does what must be done?
I swallowed against the dryness in my throat and glanced down at Maat’s glowing hand, still gripping my own. With the queen’s overwhelming presence in my mind, I couldn’t help seeing things from her perspective. Under her influence, Maat’s light was no longer beautiful, but a corruption, an alien influence from another dimension that disrupted the purity the lelgis had guarded since time untold. Seeing that, Maat’s sacrifice to keep it back felt noble and right. The queens were immortal, superior to humans in every way. It was only fair that we should die for them, suffer for them. Even Maat’s pain was nothing compared to what she guarded, and anyway, I wouldn’t be around to worry about it much longer, since I would be dead. I should go ahead and kill myself, actually, so this beautiful, noble queen who was better than me in every way wouldn’t have to be bothered with something as unclean as death.
That’s right, the lelgis whispered. Listen to reason, little death bringer, and let go of the mad one’s hand. You are the brave hero, and you have fought very hard, but the end has come. Let me end your suffering and save the universe, and when all of humanity is dead and gone, we will remember you. Is that not glory enough?
The words made me shiver. All I had to do was obey and I would have everything I’d ever wanted: glory, honor, a noble death known by all, my name handed down forever. But if that was the case, why was I still so angry?
As I mulled this over, I realized Maat was tugging on my arm. She was tugging on everything, actually, yanking the queen’s black tentacles off me with her plasmex while her mouth moved silently. She looked like she was screaming at me, her face wet with tears, but I didn’t hear anything. That was wrong, I thought, frowning. I should be able to hear.
I tried to pull my hand out of the mad queen’s so I could rub my ears, but she wouldn’t let go, because I’d promised her. There were other hands on me as well, a man’s rough, urgent grip on my shoulders, begging me to wake up. The feeling was so distant it could have been in another
world, but it was very precious to me. He was precious to me, and if I gave in and died here, I’d hurt him.
Forget him, the queen whispered.
My whole body went rigid. “No,” I growled. I’d forgotten Rupert once and it had been terrible. Like hell was I doing it again. And why was I thinking about killing myself for some alien? Why was I listening to any of this crap?
Like a shot out a window, the queen’s illusion crashed to pieces around me. Sound came back in a rush, bringing fury with it. All at once, I could feel the alien’s hold like a sticky film on my mind, and rage like nothing I’d ever felt was rising to meet it. The virus followed on its heels, howling up from the depths like a hellhound to devour the invader whole. The queen must have felt it coming, because the last thing that touched my mind was horrible fear before the black haze fled and I exploded back into the real world.
I was kneeling on the floor with Maat’s body clutched against my chest. Rupert was crouched over me with one hand on my shoulder and the other angling my head to his. Mia was on the ground beside him, her charge spent, and Sasha was right next to her, her ammo counter blinking zero. But though I was back and the darkness was over, the lelgis queen was still floating in front of me. I braced at once, clutching my tingling fingers, ready to use the virus if it twitched so much as a tentacle toward me. But even though I could feel the alien’s anger like pressure in my ears, it didn’t touch my mind again.
“They are afraid of you.”
I looked up in alarm to see Maat’s projection standing next to me. She was transparent now, her body glowing like a phantom’s, and she was staring at the queen with such hate it made my blood run cold. Which was fine with me, I realized. If anyone deserved her anger, it was the lelgis.
“You can kill them,” she said, speaking the words out loud instead of in my head, which was probably for the best. What the lelgis had shown me was still in my head, fanning my rage even hotter, and I knew from the tingling the virus was nearly to my throat.
That wouldn’t do. I couldn’t lose control here, so I closed my eyes and focused my anger by concentrating on what I had to do. What I really had to do, because for the first time, I felt like I was seeing the entire picture.
All this time, I’d thought of Maat as the sacrifice. Now, thanks to the lelgis, I knew Maat was just the focus, the crux of the suffering. The truth was we were all the lelgis’ sacrifice. They could fight the phantoms no problem. They could have hunted down and killed every single glowing bug if they’d wanted to, but they hadn’t. Instead, they’d used us, the disposable lesser races, to hunt down and kill what they were too afraid of risking their precious purity to touch. The only reason they’d risked themselves today was because of me. Because I could kill them, which made me more dangerous than even the phantoms.
I gritted my teeth. Caldswell might have given Maat over, but it was the lelgis who’d come to him. It was the lelgis who’d let us suffer so they could go on unharmed, only bothering to intervene when the emperors got too big for us to handle. They were cowards, I realized. Immortality had done nothing but make them afraid. They clung to their perfection and let others do their dying while they hid away, not even watching.
That made them even worse than the Eyes. Even Caldswell had fought alongside the daughters, but the lelgis had just left us to our fate. They’d let the entire aeon colony of Unity be destroyed because they couldn’t be bothered to take a moment from stomping out the xith’cal’s virus to bother saving the place. Billions dead because the lelgis chose their own safety over everything else.
Even the phantoms were victims, I realized. The lelgis heard their voices, they knew the truth, but they’d kept the poor things locked up and starving because they couldn’t bear to crack the door to let them go home. It was all more of the same bullshit I’d been fighting since I started to learn the truth, everyone sacrificing everyone else and claiming the greater good made it worth it. But there was a line, I decided. The answer to all of this was sitting in my lap, and so long as I had a say, the universe was going to change. I looked down at Maat. I was going to end this.
At that thought, my anger crystallized into action, and the virus faded, falling under my control. It was just like back in Reaper’s cell, only now I understood exactly how I’d done it, and I knew I could do it again. The virus was now mine to control, mine completely, and I knew what I had to do.
I stood up in a rush, making Rupert jump. Maat’s body was still clutched in my arms, but I held out my hand anyway. My clean, uninfected hand. She took it a second later, and I smiled as the warmth of Maat’s illusionary touch pass through my suit to grip my skin. United, we turned back to face the lelgis queen, who backed up several feet.
You don’t know what you do! it cried. We are the mothers! Guardians of that which touches everything! If you persist, if you tear down the wall, we will diminish and all will suffer.
“That’s what you say,” I replied, lifting my chin. “But let me tell you what I see. I see a bunch of cowards hiding behind us and saying their lives and happiness are worth more than ours because they’ve been alive a long time. That our deaths are justified because your lives are more important. But they’re not. You might live in the oneness, but it doesn’t belong to you.”
Foolish child, the lelgis hissed. You would destroy the infinite to save those who are already doomed to die?
“That’s the thing about infinity,” I said. “You can’t destroy it, and you can’t control it.” Even as the words left my mouth, I couldn’t believe I was quoting Dr. Starchild, but truth was the truth, no matter where it came from. “Death and change are part of life,” I went on. “You can plug that hole and hold back the phantoms for a long time, but eventually they’ll get through, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Because the infinite isn’t pure. It isn’t static. Like it or not, the universe goes on with or without your help, and we’re done dying so you can maintain your illusion of control.”
So you would have us stand by and do nothing while the oneness is corrupted? The lelgis roared, weighing the words down with so much doom I almost couldn’t breathe. I found the air somehow, and though I’d asked nearly the same question myself not twenty-four hours ago, I wasn’t surprised to find the answer waiting on the tip of my tongue.
“What you do is your business,” I said. “But just because you’re too cowardly to fight for yourselves doesn’t give you the right to sacrifice us or the phantoms or anyone else.” I held up Maat’s hand. “We’re done suffering for your comfort. This ends right now. I’m freeing Maat. I’m freeing the phantoms. I’m freeing the daughters and the Eyes and all of humanity from your bullshit war to keep your pond clean. I’m going to fling that door wide open and set us all free. If you don’t like it, you can go cower at the other end of the universe, but this cycle of forcing us to suffer and die so you can maintain the status quo is over, and if you don’t back off, you will be, too.”
I pulled away from Maat as I finished, unlocking my glove to reveal my bare hand. When my fingers were free, I focused until the tips turned black and reached out, holding my dirty hand out toward the lelgis’ soft, midnight flesh.
Before I could even extend my arm completely, the alien turned and fled. They all did. The huge crowd of lelgis, all the different types, turned and ran as one, vanishing from the halls as quickly as they’d appeared until Maat, Rupert, and I were alone.
I dropped my black hand, pulling my controlled anger back. The virus vanished as well, and I felt a surge of pride as I bent down to retrieve my glove. When I looked up again, Maat was standing right in front of me.
“The queen ran,” she whispered.
“Cowards always run,” I replied, grinning as I slipped my glove back on. “I have to admit, though, I’m surprised you held back. I was all blacked out for a while there, but you didn’t even touch me.”
Maat set her jaw stubbornly. “You kept your promise. You’re the only one who’s ever kept a promise to Maat, so I wil
l hold faith, too. Maat will not touch you until we’re safe in hyperspace and the daughters will not die.”
“Brenton kept his promise, too,” I said softly. “We couldn’t have gotten you out without him.”
Maat went very still as I said this, and then tears began to roll down her cheeks. She blinked in surprise, reaching up to touch them. “I can’t remember,” she whispered. “John was always important, but there are so many memories, Maat can’t tell which are hers anymore.”
She started to cry in earnest then, and I reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder. “Come on,” I said softly. “Let’s finish this.”
Maat nodded and faded away, her glowing image vanishing like a projection after the power’s cut. I stared at the space where she’d been for a long second before turning back to Rupert.
He was still where he’d been when I’d woken up, standing right behind me to guard my back. Now that the lelgis were gone, he’d pulled the scales back from his face and was looking at me with blatant confusion. “Do I want to know what just happened?”
“Sure,” I said, shifting Maat’s unconscious body so that it was resting comfortably against my chest again. “The lelgis are cowards who tried to brainwash me into shooting myself, but I broke free with Maat’s help, told them straight up that we were done with their bullshit, and then I sent them packing. So that’s over and now we’re back on the ‘get Maat into hyperspace’ plan. Which way was it to the dock again?”
Rupert stared at me for almost half a minute after that, opening his mouth and then closing it again like he’d thought better of whatever he’d been about to say. Finally, he didn’t say anything at all, just shook his head and bent down to retrieve my guns.
“Thanks for watching my back,” I said as he fixed Mia to my back for me since my hands were full with Maat.
“Always,” he replied, slipping Sasha back into her holster as well. “I’m afraid I used up all your ammo.”
