by Lindy Zart
“I have obligations. I have a job—”
“A job you don't even like! A job you shouldn't be doing. You're not happy there and you know it. You need to stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.”
Fuming, I say in a scathing tone, “Don't tell me what I should be doing.”
“Why not?” His tone is cocky and I don't like it. “Isn't that what you did with me? Told me what I needed to do; practically shoved me out the door. You thought you had the right to decide for me, but I can't for you?”
“You needed to go.”
“Yeah, I also needed you.”
I close my eyes against the rawness of his voice. I hate that I hurt him so badly.
He sighs heavily. “This isn't what I want to do. I don't want to fight anymore. I want you. But I have obligations too, and I have shit I have to get figured out before I can permanently move back here. When nothing else fit, we did. We always have. It's everything else that doesn't fit. I want to be with you. In fact...” He slides his hands across either side of my jaw and cups the nape of my neck. “It's all I've ever wanted, really. Just you. You're it.”
“Why are you building a house that you don't even know when you'll be able to live in?”
“For you, Lily,” he says with fire in his voice. “Don't you get it? Everything is for you. Always. I could be anywhere as long as I was with you. I love you. I love you.”
I whisper it back, too overcome with emotions to speak any louder. I tip my head back and he lowers his until our lips are touching. It starts out deep, so deep I feel a tugging in my belly from the caress of Grayson's lips on mine. He backs me up until I am against the car, assaulting and loving my mouth with his. Catcalls and whoops sound around us. Someone shouts at us to get a room and the voice sounds strikingly like Stone's.
“I'll come back,” he vows. “You know I will.”
I do know he will.
A COOL BREEZE PLAYS WITH tendrils of my hair, sweeping them across my face like the tender caress of fingers. I close my eyes as I turn my face to the sky. The swing gently sways; the sun is warm on my skin, and I imagine it's Grayson touch. He has been gone one week and the ache inside me intensifies as each day passes. I keep telling myself it is temporary and he continues to tell me this as well, but it doesn't feel impermanent; it feels like forever. It feels like the rest of my days will be spent this way—wanting Grayson and being unable to fully have him. I always get parts of him, but it is never enough.
“Hey.”
I drop my head and open my eyes, surprised to find Mia standing before me. Her face looks open where it always seemed to be closed before. A pretty eyelet sundress in white graces her body. Her hair is loose and makes waves around her shoulders.
“Hey. How did you know I'd be here?”
She looks at me, not even answering that as she sits in the swing next to me and begins to gently sway back and forth. “You're a good friend, Lily.”
I smile. “Thanks. So are you.”
Snorting, Mia says, “No I'm not. But I want to be. I want to be as good a friend to you as you have been to me.” She puts her feet down and the swing goes still as she twists to face me. “Don't give up on him.”
I see the conviction in the downward pull of her mouth and the intensity of her gaze. “I don't intend to.”
She heaves a sigh. “I am so glad. Never let them go, not if they are worth keeping. I made that mistake.” Mia looks forward as she swallows. “I'm going to be real from now on. And if people don't like me the way I am, then I don't need them. And if I get hurt, I will also heal.” Grinning, she asks, “How are the dance classes with your mom going? I can't believe she got you to do that.”
Laughter falls from my lips. “I know. It's fun, actually, and it keeps my mind off Grayson. My mom is having a blast. I even caught her and Dad practicing the other night in the kitchen. He was beyond mortified. It was hilarious.”
“I should try to get Ben to do that. He probably would.”
“I think he would too. Does this mean you two are together?” I slowly and widely smile.
“In every way, yes.” Mia laughs. She tips her head so her hair falls down her back in a cascade of embers as she pumps her legs.
“I put my notice in at work. I'll be done the last weekday of November.”
“I thought you might. The whole cleaning teeth, front desk thing really isn't you.”
“It could have been.”
“Yes. But it shouldn't have been. What are you going to do?”
“I'm going to go back to school at the start of the semester. I already signed up for classes at the Tech. I want to be a counselor of some kind; either in a school or nursing home setting. I want to be there for people; be the one they can talk to.”
Grayson was right about that, and once I thought about it—really thought about it—I realized that. Being a receptionist/dental assistant isn't what I want do to as a career and I never should have given up what I truly wanted. At times I wonder if there could have been a different way to handle things with Grayson as well. Maybe we could have made it work somehow. I lost two years with him I can never get back. I like to think we had to be apart for the time we were in order to be together now. That is what I tell myself anyway.
“You're good at it. You know how to make people feel better about themselves without giving them a false sense of security.”
I also made a vow to myself not so long ago: I won't give him up again, no matter what. I'm sticking to it, though I miss him terribly. I just keep telling myself it will be that much better when I do see him again. But I yearn for him in the meantime. The sound of his voice isn't enough and seeing him on a web camera isn't the same as being with him. I need to touch him; I need to feel him.
I turn to Mia. “Meaning?”
“You tell them they have faults, but that they are good people anyway. You're honest.” She smiles softly. “Like you told me about being myself. Thank you for that. I'm glad I listened to you. Do you feel better? Now that you're going to do what you really want to do?”
“Yeah. I do.”
Mia reaches over to tug on a lock of my hair. “Good. I feel better too. It's hard work trying so hard not to care about anything.”
“I know,” I tell her softly.
We swing in silence for a moment, then I ask, “Are you going to go to California?”
“No. Ben's moving back. Being a graphic designer like he is, he can work from anywhere, so relocating isn't a big deal.”
I nod and smile, but my thoughts are on Grayson. What if he decides he doesn't want to come back? He won't. You know that. He loves you. I lower my gaze as the swing slows to a stop.
“Lily.” I look up, surprised that Mia's swing is still and she is watching me. “He's coming back for you. He loves you, more than anything—more than California, more than music, more than fame, more than—”
“Okay, okay. I get your point. I know all that. I'm just being silly, I guess. Having doubts. It's hard to be away from him, especially when we just got back together. I'm just...scared my happiness can't last. It's dumb, I know.” I try to smile, but am not successful.
“I hate doubts. They seriously should not be allowed into our heads. Life would be so much easier without doubts.”
“It would be nice, yes,” I agree.
“Apparently that isn't allowed.”
“Of course not. Who would want an easy life? Then we could be happy all the time and we'd have nothing to complain or worry about. It would be so boring.”
Mia laughs, hopping down from the swing. “Right. Who wants that?”
“I know I don't. Give me confliction any day of the week.”
With a grin, she threads her arm through mine as I stand and we begin to walk. “Let's go eat a disgusting amount of chocolate and paint our nails.”
“Deal.” Chocolate always manages to make me feel better, at least for a while.
IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS since he left—two weeks too long. I need t
o be with Grayson because I am pretty much useless without him. I have accepted this. I can't concentrate at work. I mope around when I am not in contact with him. It is disturbingly dismal. I don't know how much longer he will be away, but I have decided it doesn't matter because I cannot be without him any longer. My mom was right; love is about compromise and I need to do it too.
I did something crazy yesterday. Giddiness slams into me, making my motions jerky and my stomach flip-flop. I am still stunned, but I don't regret it. Life is about taking chances. There is no place for fear in an existence that can be gone at any time. I touch the silver chain around my neck, taking strength from it. Today I am possibly doing something just as crazy. I am searching for the soonest flights to Los Angeles on my laptop when my cell phone chimes and Grayson's number shows up.
“Hey.”
“Where are you?” His voice is urgent.
I straighten, setting the laptop on the couch cushion beside me, knowing something is wrong. “At home. Why?”
“I need you to go to the park. Right now.”
“What? Why? What's going on, Grayson?”
“Just go there.”
“But—” I move the phone away from my ear and see that he hung up on me. What the heck?
Confused and a little irate, I hurriedly pull on sandals and grab my car keys from the table on my way out. Vehicles are parked along either side of the road by the park and further down even. More people than I can recall ever seeing in the park all at once are milling about the playground. I wonder if there is some event I forgot or didn't know about as I walk through the crowd. I don't know why I am here or what I am supposed to be looking for, if anything. Grayson's mysterious phone call certainly didn't tell me anything, other than to demand I show up here.
“Lily!” My mom shouts at me, waving from across the park. Her face is split with a happy smile and my dad is blank-faced beside her. When his eyes meet mine, I see a flicker of something. Relief? Worry? He is too far away to tell.
I hurry over to them. “What is going on? Grayson called me and demanded I show up here and I have no idea why.”
“You'll see,” she says cryptically.
The more I look around, the more I realize I know all the faces I am seeing. Garrett and Emily are standing with their families. Patients and co-workers alike from the dental office are spread out among the park. I even spot Mia and Ben, though they are currently locked in an impassioned kiss and have yet to see me. Aidan is standing by his mom and dad. He waves at me and I wave in return, completely flummoxed.
I turn back to my parents as Scott and Cindy approach. “What is this?” I demand.
“Lily!” is shrieked as I am pulled into a tight hug.
“Bethany?” I stare behind her, seeing Patrick. He smiles and I nod before looking at my friend again. “What are you doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?”
A secret smile is on her lips. “It's a surprise. Are you surprised?”
“Yeah. And suspicious. I have no idea what's going on, but something is.” I eye the people gathered around me.
“What gave it away?” Stone says wryly, Angela and Sam in tow.
I am just about to answer when I see Grayson. I am so consumed with him that everyone else might as well leave. He is walking purposefully toward something and I squint my eyes to make out a stage of some kind. What is going on? Why didn't I know he was back or that any of whatever is going on was going on? My eyes drink him in, longing slamming into me. It doesn't really matter. I am just glad he's back.
He hops onto the stage, his face set in hard lines as he finds me in the crowd. His eyes are riveted to me. His glasses are missing and he is wearing torn jeans and a plain white tee shirt and somehow he is breathtaking. He grabs the microphone and the crowd erupts with screams and whistles. He ignores it, looking at me like I am the only person he sees. And I know I am. I wait with apprehension, wondering what he is going to do.
“I wrote a song recently. No one but the band has heard it yet, but I'm going to play it for you in just a moment.”
The warmth of the mass of bodies swells around me, the excitement evident in the shifting of feet and the words they shout at Grayson. I know these people and yet they are acting like crazy fans.
“But first I have to say something and I hope you'll be patient with me while I say what I have to say.”
It's amazing the power he has over the throng of people. They immediately quiet down to hear his words. I look around, seeing upturned faces and intent gazes directed at Grayson—and me. I frown as I see face after face looking between us.
“I love a girl.” Whoops sound around us and he grins, still watching me. “She is my biggest secret; she is what I cherish most. I tried to keep that part of me hidden too; to keep the best part of me mine, but not anymore—now I want everyone to know. I've loved her for a long time, since I was a kid, really—before I even knew what real love was.
“I didn't think I was good enough for her.” Boos fill the air. He raises a hand and it becomes silent once more. “And then it got to the point where I didn't even care whether I was good enough for her or not, because I couldn't stand not being with her.” He pauses. “Something happened; something I didn't want to understand, but in time, I did. You see, she gave me up; not because she wanted to, but because I needed her to, even though I couldn't see it then. She loved me so much she let me go, and that's what love is about—doing what's best for the person you love even if it isn't what's best for you.”
The calm has a surreal quality to it; the audience is solemn as they listen.
“I'm going to sing this song for you, and it's going to be the last song I sing for a while, at least publicly.” Stunned murmurs follow his declaration, but Grayson is turning away from the crowd and looking to his band members. A slow, steady beats starts. He finds me again; his body forever attuned to mine, and reaches down a hand. “Come here,” he mouths.
I shake my head, already being pushed forward from behind.
“Go, go, go!” is chanted around me.
Stone is the one to give me a firm push. I glare over my shoulder at him and he shrugs, not looking the least bit apologetic. I turn back to Grayson. He nods, one eyebrow lifted, gesturing with his hand. I place my palm in his, and he tugs me up onto the stage. The townsfolk of Fennimore, including my relatives and friends, roar with approval and I laugh, my face red and hot.
“This is the girl I love,” he announces, staring into my eyes. “And this song is for you,” he tells me softly, low enough that no one else can hear.
My heart swells and tears pool in my eyes. I cannot look away from the man I love; the only being that makes me whole.
“Maybe I am unworthy. Maybe it cannot be. But I know when I was lost, you were the one that found me.” He leans forward until his forehead gently rests against mine. “I thought I couldn't be happy. I thought I couldn't have you. But now I know, you thought that too.”
Grayson backs away, holding my hand. “And I am not me unless you are with me,” he sings, his voice loud and clear. Chills go over my skin at the masculine perfection that is his voice. “Wherever you are, is where I need to be. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I can't do it anymore, not one more day.”
I feel the vibrations of the drums, guitar, and his voice inside me, and I go still, letting it all wash over me.
“Maybe I am naïve. Maybe I am too young to know. But I need you beside me, for all eternity. And so I have to ask, will you marry me?”
My mouth drops open as I lock gazes with him. Out of all the possible lyrics for a song to have, those would have never occurred to me as being the next ones. A trembling begins in my body, causing it to jerk from the force of it.
He lowers the microphone, the cacophony of the audience a distant roar. “Will you marry me?” he asks quietly, staring at me like I am his lifeline and he is unsure if he can trust in the security of me or not.
Logically, marriage seems like it should
be far away. I swallow, my mouth and throat dry. But in the future, all I see is him. Grayson is my future.
I shake my head and his face darkens. “No.”
Stunned silence follows that. I swear the witnesses take a collective gasp of despair and surprise.
He stares at me, looking devastated, looking at me like I transformed into something he does not understand. “What do you mean, no?”
I unhook the clasp of the necklace, aware that dozens of eyes are watching my every move; Grayson's especially scrutinizing. Sliding the silver and gold band from the chain, I get down on one knee, gazing up at Grayson, and hold the ring up. “Will you marry me?”
He stares down at me with furrowed brows. My heart is pounding in my chest as I wait and the stage isn't exactly comfortable against my bare kneecap, but I am enthralled with the slow transformation of his face, so nothing else really matters—not even the murmuring from the people around us. As I watch, the frown line between his eyebrows smooths and a slow, sweet smile starts on his lips and lifts to his eyes.
“Daredevil,” he murmurs with affection. “What happened to you?”
“I became fearless.”
“That you did,” he says, his voice full of pride. “I approve. And yes.” He grins. “I will marry you. You kind of trumped my marriage proposal.” He pulls me to my feet, resting his forehead to mine amid cheers.
“I kind of did, didn't I?” I grin and pull back, pleased with myself.
I place the ring on his finger and see that his eyes are bright with unshed tears. If possible, my love grows a little more. He takes my hand within his and I am awed to find his trembling. A ring, silver-banded with a solitaire diamond, blinks up at me from the ring finger of my left hand.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“You like it?”
“I do,” I murmur, starting to laugh.
“Save that for the wedding day.” His lips find mine and the air erupts in shouts and well-wishes, but it all fades in comparison to Grayson.
We just got our forever.
