by Nora Phoenix
It was like Josh felt the wounds inside of him healing. He hadn’t known, hadn’t realized Noah had made him so much more than a friend even then.
“I held your hand when Graves operated on you, repaired what they’d done to you. It was superficial, though bloody, but the sight of you on that table… I was ready to go AWOL to take you home. It was Graves who convinced me to go up the ranks instead of going rogue. I told your CO what had happened, and when he didn’t seem impressed, I went over his head all the way to my dad. He was furious, anti-gay as he is. He couldn’t believe these guys had desecrated the uniform like that and had done that to a fellow soldier. It took us only 24 hours to find them. Somebody had spotted them coming out of that container and ID’ed them. And you fucking refused to go home, to take the honorary discharge I’d gotten you. I was so fucking angry with you.”
“I wasn’t leaving you,” Josh said. “I saw your pain for me, Noah, watched you push it deep inside. It killed you that I didn’t want to talk about it, couldn’t talk about it, not even with you. You were a big load of C4 waiting to explode. I wanted to tell you everything, but it hurt too fucking much. Maybe I was scared you’d see me differently, treat me differently, like I was even weaker and more of a victim than I’d been before. Just when I started to feel like I could maybe talk about it, you went on that fucking patrol, and I watched you get blown up through my telescope.”
This was the last part and the hardest bit, even more difficult than talking about the rape. He’d known he would survive being brutalized, even as it happened, but seeing Noah explode… That had broken him.
“I should have seen it, Noah,” he finally managed to say what he’d been feeling ever since, what had caused his break down in the first place. “I should’ve seen the irregularities on the surface, should’ve noticed there might be an IED hidden.”
“Bullshit,” Noah said forcefully. “Fucking bullshit and you know it. I was stupid, not paying attention.”
“Because of me!” Josh cried out. “Because you were worried about me!”
“No! Because I was angry with myself for enlisting in the first place. Dammit, Josh, I should’ve never signed up, never. It wasn’t my dream, and it certainly wasn’t yours. I got blown up because I was trying to work out in my head when we could get a discharge, how I could make that happen sooner than later. I wanted both of us out, and I was thinking about that instead of paying attention to the terrain. I was careless, and I paid the price for that.”
“And maybe it’s time to let go of your guilt and start forgiving yourself for all of that, Noah.” It was the first time Indy spoke up. “You’re carrying a wicked amount of guilt, and it’s fucking eating you alive. Josh decided to enlist; you didn’t force him to. Instead of feeling so damn guilty, embrace the love behind that decision. You guys have had each other’s backs for so long, but you’re both feeling guilty for the consequences of that. Your brotherhood is beautiful, but there’s no place for guilt in love, only remorse over mistakes—and that’s what you forgive each other for…and yourself.”
Josh and Noah stared at each other, Josh safe in Connor’s arms and Noah holding Indy.
“I’m sorry for enlisting,” Noah said, his voice thick and raw.
“I’m sorry, too,” Josh brought out.
“I’m so sorry for what happened to you,” Noah said. “More than anything, I wish I could’ve prevented that.”
“I know. I don’t blame you, not one bit. Thank you for standing up for me. I’m sorry for doubting your motives for sleeping with me. I should’ve known better.”
“I understand. It’s hard to feel loved when you’ve received so little of it before.”
“And I’m sorry for not telling you we had that night together.”
“I’m sorry for forgetting. The dreams were pretty sweet, though.”
Josh's mouth curved upward. Peace. Finally. He leaned back, relaxed in Connor’s arms. “How are you, baby?” he asked, turning his head and nuzzling his neck. “Noah hit you pretty damn hard.”
“Much better now that I’m holding you. Besides, the guy hits like a girl.”
Josh chuckled. Classic male pride at work.
“May I remind you that if I hadn’t held Noah down, your face would have looked different?” Indy said, taking offense. “I had to take him in a tight headlock to get him to stop hitting you.”
“Yeah, when I imagined my face between your legs, it was a little different,” Noah said. Indy jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.
Connor said, “Now that we’ve all kissed and made up, can somebody please explain to me why all of a sudden Indy is a guy and from Boston instead of from the Deep South?”
6
There was something eerily familiar about Indy, and it tickled Connor’s brain. The first time he’d seen her in Stewart’s she’d looked familiar, but he hadn’t been able to place her. All of his alarm bells were going off now that he realized Indy was, in fact, a guy. Where had he seen the boy before?
He trained his eyes on Indy. The boy’s hands flew to his stomach, clutching it. He looked to Noah, then to Josh, who had frozen in Connor’s arms. Something was seriously wrong.
“Look, Connor,” Noah started. He visibly tightened his grip on Indy, as if to prevent him from running off.
“No offense, but I’d rather have Indy himself explain. And I let you get away with hitting me, so don’t give me any crap.”
Indy’s grip on Noah’s arm was so hard, the boy’s knuckles were white. That had to leave some serious bruises. What had the kid so scared?
“You’re right, I am from Boston, South Boston. Grew up there.” Indy shifted, wrung his hands. It was obvious he didn’t want to tell this. “A couple of years ago I screwed up, got involved with the wrong guy. I was young, stupid, didn’t know any better. I didn’t see who he was until it was too late. He was a drugs dealer, a nasty one. I got away but stole money from him, and he swore to take revenge, so I’ve been living under a false identity.”
Lightning struck in Connor’s brain. A nasty drug dealer from South Boston who was hell-bent on revenge. Duncan Fitzpatrick. Holy fuck. It was like he was finally able to connect the pieces, had found the right search term for his brain to recognize Indy.
“Stephan Moreau. Holy mother of all, you’re alive.”
Indy scrambled up, pushing himself off Noah, who let him go immediately.
“I’m on your side,” Connor said loud and clear, realizing Indy was about to bolt out the door and would not come back. No wonder. He couldn’t believe Stephan Moreau was still alive. He’d thought the Fitzpatricks had gotten to him, had silenced him forever and dumped his body never to be found again.
“Stephan, I mean, Indy, hear me out for five minutes, okay? Five minutes, that’s all I’m asking. And if after that you decide you want to run, Noah can take my phone and keep me here under lock and key until you’re safe.”
Indy stood, one hand on the door to the garage. “Start talking.”
Connor slowly got up from the floor, untangling himself from Josh. He kept his distance from Indy, not wanting to spook him even more. “My mother is Brenda O’Connor, born Brenda Mary Fitzpatrick. She’s the second daughter of Jeremy Fitzpatrick, Duncan’s grandfather. Duncan’s father Brian is my mom’s younger brother. My mom, she wanted out, was tired of the violence, the risks. So she married a guy she’d met in high school, Anthony O’Connor, and got pregnant with me. She was still part of the family in some way but wasn’t involved in their dealings and neither was my dad.”
Indy’s face was so white, Connor feared he would faint. “You’re a Fitzpatrick. I’m so fucked.” His voice was barely audible, but the fear was palpable.
“I’m on your side, Indy, I promise. I never was a Fitzpatrick.” How could he make Indy believe him? “I’m five years older than Duncan, and I was already in the Marines when he rose to power. I wanted nothing to do with it, and I’m no longer in touch with my family. Believe me, I abhor everything they
stand for. It’s why I joined the Marines, and it’s also why I became a cop.”
“If that’s the case, then why didn’t you ever come forward to testify against them? I didn’t see your name on the list for the prosecution when the DA was preparing the case with me as the main witness.”
Connor winced. He cut right to the core, didn’t he? Fuck, once more he’d have to share more than he wanted to. It seemed to be the theme of his life at the moment. One look at Josh, still on the floor, staring at him with big eyes, made his priorities crystal clear. There was no way he was walking away from this man. He’d share whatever the fuck he had to in order to stay with Josh.
“I’d been in the Marines for years by then, overseas most of the time, and I had no firsthand knowledge of anything recent. But the main reason is that I was scared. They’d warned my parents, my mother especially, what would happen if one of us ever dared to turn against them. I knew what they were capable of…” His voice trailed off as he realized Indy knew better than anyone else. How weak his excuses sounded, compared to what Indy had been through and had still the courage to do.
He cleared his throat. “My mother contacted me in Afghanistan, told me about the case. She begged me to stay away from it. She was scared I’d find out from someone else and would decide to testify against Duncan. After what happened to you, I was terrified of what they would do to my parents, maybe even my friends. When you disappeared, we all thought they’d gotten to you. I wrestled with my guilt for a long time. Fuck, Stephan, I am more sorry than you can imagine.”
“My name is Indy. I buried Stephan Moreau a long time ago.” Indy’s voice was cold as ice. Connor nodded, understood. He wouldn’t make that mistake again.
“When I left the Marines, I left Boston as well. Never been back since. I wanted to stay far away from all of them, all of it. I broke off all contact with my parents, couldn’t stomach it anymore. My dad passed away last year, but I didn’t even go to his funeral. I’m not telling you this because you need to feel sorry for me, but I want you to know the facts.”
You’re not giving him all the facts. No, he wasn’t. Because if he told Indy what he’d known, with Noah and Josh listening in, they’d kick him out the door. He’d been such a fucking coward. He swallowed back the bile of shame.
Indy said, “I need proof. I need to know 100% certain you’re not lying because if you sell me out to Duncan, I’m dead. And don’t even bother telling me you’re a cop because we both know how many boys in blue were on the Fitzpatrick’s payroll. I don’t trust cops, ever.”
“I understand. Merrick, the DA who was on your case, is still there. You know he was definitely not on their side. Ask him to check out my story. He’s determined to bring the Fitzpatricks down.”
Indy shook his head. “I can’t call him. His phone may be tapped, or they’re monitoring his communications. Duncan has people everywhere, and I can’t lead them here.”
With anyone else, this would’ve been ridiculous and overly paranoid, but Indy was rightly worried. After the devastating blow he’d delivered the Fitzpatricks by killing Connor’s cousin Eric, handing over sensitive information to the DA, and then escaping before he could be killed, he was their number one priority. If his family knew Stephan was still alive—and they had to know since they were the only ones interested in killing him and hadn’t succeeded—they’d do anything to get their hands on him. Anything.
There has to be a big, fat contract out on the kid. No wonder he’d been dressed as a woman. Pretty damn effective, too, because even Connor had never seen through his disguise. It probably would’ve taken him a long time to connect the dots, if ever. It’d been hearing that all-too-familiar, thick Boston accent that had triggered his brain to make the right connections, and even then he’d only made it after Indy had supplied extra information.
“Do they have a contract out on you?” he asked.
“I don’t know for sure, but I expect so. I took 50 grand, but it’s not about that. It’s about what I know, and the fact that I killed Eric Fitzpatrick.”
Connor scowled. “That sick motherfucker deserved everything you did to him, and then some. No jury would’ve ever convicted you of murder.”
Indy shook his head. “For a cop who’s related to the Fitzpatricks you’re still damn naive. The prosecution would’ve painted me a whore, Duncan’s whore. And who the fuck would’ve defended me, other than some washed-up pro bono attorney? I didn’t stand a chance, which is why I decided to sell Duncan out. Trust me, if I’d been able to walk away from that murder charge, I would have kept my mouth shut.”
Connor couldn’t say anything, not when he himself had been too much of a coward to step up and do the right thing. No matter what Indy’s motives had been, even if they had been partially self-serving, he’d been the only one willing to testify against the Fitzpatricks.
“I can reach out to the Boston PD, find out about a contract if you want. However you wanna do this, I’m on board.”
“I need time to think,” Indy said. He shot Noah a look filled with desperation. The kid had much to lose, and Connor’s heart hurt for him.
“Look, I’ll hand you my cell phone. If you’ll allow me to call my boss, I can take off for the next few days to sort this out. My chief was getting on my case for too much overtime and accrued leave anyways. I’ll stay right here where you can monitor me until you figure out what you want to do.”
“Why would you do this?” Noah asked. “No offense, O’Connor, but what’s in it for you?”
“I want them brought to justice. I grew up seeing and hearing what they did to people. They’re monsters. It’s why I enlisted, to escape them, to create a different future for myself. I was too scared to do this sooner, but I’m willing now. But to bring them down, the DA needs Indy. He’s the only one who has the knowledge to do it.”
“You mean the only one who’s still alive,” Indy said, the bitterness dripping from his voice.
“That, too,” Connor admitted. “Witnesses do have a tendency to disappear. Though the DA has brought down a whole slew of bought cops in cooperation with the Boston PD. The Fitzpatricks don’t have the clout and the reach they once had.”
Indy bit his lip, studying Connor. He stayed calm under the boy’s scrutiny. You couldn’t blame Indy for being overly cautious. It’s probably what had kept him alive the last two years. There were so many questions Connor wanted to ask him about that, like how he had managed to get a driver’s license under a false name and with a different gender. But questions would make Indy distrust him even more.
“Josh …” It was all Indy said, but Josh nodded.
“My first loyalty is to you, Indy,” Josh said. He didn’t even look at Connor, instead shot Indy a soft smile filled with love. Josh's words hurt Connor deep in his heart, even though rationally he understood. Of course Josh would side with Indy, but after what they had shared, it hurt. Would there ever be a time when he’d be number one on Josh's list, before Noah and Indy?
“For what it’s worth, I trust Connor, and I think he’s telling the truth, but I’ll do whatever you want me to,” Josh added.
“I agree, but it’s your call, baby,” Noah said.
Indy bit his lip again. “I’m too tired to think,” he finally said.
“You can lock me in the guest bedroom for tonight without access to a phone. That way, you can sleep on it and decide in the morning,” Connor offered. He had to be crazy to volunteer to be imprisoned, but he understood Indy’s dilemma. Indy needed time to work it out.
Indy scoffed. “Dude, you’d burst through that window in a second if you wanted to, second floor or not.”
Josh shot Connor a quick look. “I’ll stay with him,” he said to Indy. “You know Connor would never hurt me.”
Indy’s face softened for the first time since he’d found out who Connor was. “I know. But are you okay with that? Does he know about you?”
Josh stepped up to Indy, pulled him close and hugged him. “You’re so
sweet for worrying about me right now. It’s okay, Indy, I’ll tell him. Thank you.” He kissed Indy softly on his mouth, and a stab of jealousy shot through Connor. What was it with all the kissing and the hugging here? First, he’d had to watch Noah kiss Josh and now this?
“Do you need me, Noah?”
What the ever-loving fuck? Was he jumping to conclusions or did Josh ask Noah if he wanted to fuck him, in front of not just Indy, but Connor as well? From the low-key, almost automatic way Josh had asked the question, Connor deducted this was not the shocking question he perceived it to be. How the hell could he offer after what he’d shared with Connor today? Hadn’t that meant anything to him?
“I’m good, but thank you,” Noah said, gently pulling Indy close and kissing him on his head. The love Noah had for Indy was obvious, so how could everyone be so casual about Noah and Josh's sexual relationship?
“Problem?” Noah asked coolly, clearly witnessing the turmoil on Connor’s face.
Connor jammed his hands in his pockets. “Nope, everything’s peachy.”
Josh looked at Connor, and his eyes widened as if he only now realized what he’d said. To Connor’s satisfaction, the guy had at least the decency to blush.
“I’ll go upstairs, seeing as it’s close to ten.” Connor desperately wanted to ask Josh to join him, order him to follow, but he held his tongue. He wasn’t sure anymore where he stood with Josh, not after what had transpired. Maybe he’d attached more meaning to their fucking than he should have.
“I’ll come with you,” Josh said, avoiding Connor’s eyes. His cheeks and ears were still flushed.
“Your phone.” Indy held out his hand.
Connor dug his phone from his pocket, handed it over without delay. “It’s password protected, but the pin is 102704 if you want to check my email or anything else.”
