Chapter Thirty-Four
Lying on my bed at Clarissa’s house, I feel the wetness of my tears soaking into my pillow. A hundred times I thought about not getting on that plane, but here I am back in the city I was living in before Cameron came smashing into my world. That night when I left, I thought I was feeling complete agony but nothing compares to this. The longer I’m away from him the harder it is for me to breathe. I keep thinking at any moment I will take my last breath because the pain is too much for my heart and soul to handle.
A part of me knows I did what I needed to do. I couldn’t be the girl of his dreams. I’m not someone who should be on the arm of a rock star, but I also know because of him I will never be on the arm of anyone. Cameron McAlister decimated me with his love. There isn’t a do-over here. No way could anyone love me as intensely as he did. Another part of me wishes I could go back to that room and give him everything he needed from me.
“Fate, are you sure about this?” Clarissa whispers as if she’s scared I’m going to go off the deep end at any moment.
“I didn’t have a choice. He deserves someone who can love him without fear of the words and everything being in it brings. He deserves to be loved, Clarissa.”
“And you don’t?” she asks, and I just look away from her. “Are you sure you don’t or can you just not say I love you? It’s okay to not be able to say it after everything you’ve been through. I love you, and I know you love me without you having to tell me. You show me, that’s enough for me.” She brings her hand up, wiping some tears from my cheek and I feel nothing. No flinch, no pain, but even worse, no warmth.
“He was right. I really am the ice princess,” I blurt out and I groan in frustration when Clarissa gasps.
“Fate, why would you say that, but better yet why would he?” She looks over at my empty walls and the room looks like I’m just here temporarily. I haven’t unpacked. I couldn’t. The memories are far too fresh. I don’t know if I will ever be able to confront those memories of Cameron. Once I do, that’s it. Those are all I have left of him. The memories, our beautiful baby steps and all our touches.
“It’s the truth. I thought he’d melted it all away.” Using Cameron’s words brings immense suffering to my soul. “I was wrong. All he did was stand on the outside looking in. I couldn’t let him in all the way. He needs more than I have to offer him.”
“Are you sure about that? Is this about what you think he wants or did he actually say that?” My mind goes back to that night and I wonder if I’d begged him to just give me time to work through the chaos if he let me stay.
“He told me to leave if I couldn’t say I loved him.” Her look would break my heart if it were possible to break an already destroyed heart. I can tell she is feeling my pain too.
“People say stupid things when they are scared. I bet if you called him he’d answer and you could talk this all through.” She doesn’t seem to get that this isn’t something I haven’t already thought about. Every day I sit here thinking about just calling him and explaining everything.
“He hasn’t contacted me, Clarissa.” The discomfort from that is disastrous.
“How could he? When you moved back here you got a new local number and I got a new house since he was here. Maybe he is hoping you will reach out to him,” she says hopefully.
“He’s a rock star, Clarissa. If he wanted to find me, he could. It’s not like I’m hiding.” She lets out a sigh and I hate that I’m fighting her so much on all this but sugar-coating it isn’t going to help me now.
“You left. Maybe he thinks you don’t want him to come looking for you. Rejection can be a horrible thing even for a rock star, Fate. He also knows everything about you. I’m sure he’s worried he would just make things worse for you if the feelings are unrequited.”
“Clarissa, it’s been two months. He has moved on.” Please don’t be in love with someone else. My heart is unbelievably torn. My mind is made up. I can’t love him until I can love myself.
“You don’t know that.”
“I told him to. Finally, I succeeded in pushing him away.”
“Fine, but you can’t just lock yourself in here. You’ve done that long enough and I don’t want you doing that again.” She tries to pull the covers from me, but I hold them tightly.
“I can’t, please don’t make me. It’s still so raw,” I say honestly because the loss is exactly that.
“If it hurts this much maybe you should go to Cameron. Take the chance he wants you to. Let him love you.” That would just be too easy. When I got back here, I could feel it. He wasn’t the problem. I was. I’m broken beyond repair.
“That’s just not in the cards for my life.” I sigh.
“Life is too cruel, without love there would be no reason to live it.” Her words pull on my soul.
“Clarissa, I just can’t. Please drop this,” I beg her.
“Fine, you’re home now, we will work this all out.” Her fake enthusiasm only makes me feel worse.
“But it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Nowhere does,” I say to Clarissa and I’m sure this hurts her, but I know she understands my home was with Cameron.
Clarissa leaves me to dwell, but it isn’t long before she is knocking on my door again. “Fate, something came in the mail for you.” Walking over to me, she hands me the envelope and I put it on my nightstand. “Don’t you want to open it?” she asks, and I just shake my head.
“Doesn’t matter what’s inside of it. It can wait.” Honestly, I don’t care what it is because it’s not what I want. It’s not Cameron. He is off being a rock star again and I’m back where I started. My father is gone, finally out of my life but of course not forgotten. He still haunts me and Cameron is off showing the world how talented he is.
“I think you’ll want to open this,” she states, handing it back to me and leaving me alone in my room. I go to put the envelope back down but something makes me change my mind. Opening it, I pull out a magazine and I see a note on the front of it.
“You should read this. If you don’t you’re fucking stupid. P.S. I miss you.” There is another sticky note holding a page and I flip to it. My heart sinks as I look down and tears begin to drop onto the pages below. There before me is Cameron. It’s an interview he did for this month’s edition.
Reading through it, I feel like I’m there with him.
This week I got to sit down with none other than lead man, Cameron McAlister from Ten Ways Gone, who are currently on tour. They are also in the studio producing their new album that will be released in the fall. Cameron wanted to get down to business right away, jumping in to talk about all the media coverage issues and his image.
This past year he has been attending school at the University of Pennsylvania. Even though the rocker tried to deal with his image issue there were still some speed bumps. He was at the time dating Fate McKenzie, whom he’d met while enrolled at the university. They kept their relationship quiet for privacy reasons, but unfortunately when he was arrested for assaulting her father, news broke of his new relationship resulting in pictures of them being leaked. The charges where eventually dropped but the media frenzy did not stop as rumors came up that her father was a registered sex offender.
Sources close to the couple say the father had served time. Miss McKenzie hadn’t been involved in her father’s life since she was a young child but the rumors of him abusing her were brought into speculation, although nothing has been confirmed. When asking Cameron about Fate’s relationship with her father, all he would tell us was that it was her story to tell and that they were not close.
He spoke about his issues with anger that had contributed to the altercation between his then girlfriend’s father and himself, stating that he regrets his actions but not the passion behind them. He continued to say that Fate was a key player in him being able to get a handle on his anger.
He talked in depth about the incident with Trisha Hanley, who would not comment when we reached out to her. Cameron stat
ed that the picture that was leaked to the media was set up by Trisha herself to cause issues with his relationship with Fate. He went further to say that Trisha has no place in his life. We asked if he indeed kissed her and his response was one we weren’t expecting. Cameron stated he pushed her away as soon as the photo was taken. He let this happen to protect Fate, who was struggling with being hounded relentlessly by the media covering his relationship. His hope was that if they had something else to talk about they might leave them alone. However, he disclosed to us that this was in fact the reason behind their final argument. He set the record straight, and when asked why he thought Fate would be okay with this, he continued to call himself a variety of expletives. He is still our bad boy at some level, but I can tell you after my interview there is no doubt that he loves Fate McKenzie.
Our question is, has their fate already been sealed or can they make this work? When asked about the possibility of getting back together, Cameron went on to say that he was not the one behind the break-up, if you could call it that. To him, this is very much still real and he understood her reasons, but in his mind, they were still very much the real deal. During this interview, I noticed that he was holding a heart pendant in his hand. When asked about the pendant he stated it was special to him. He went further to say that you may be able to get rid of physical things but those words are still etched in your soul. This interviewer asked him to clarify and he said sometimes it’s not about having to choose. He continued to say that he holds no hard feelings toward her and only wishes her happiness.
At the end of the article, there is a tiny heart. Looking at it, I see Cecilia has written something. ‘Looks like I’m not the only one who misses you.’ This only furthers my torment because I know I’m still the problem between us and I haven’t dealt with that yet. Then I think of something crazy but it’s the only chance I have.
“Clarissa,” I call out, and she comes running to the door. “There is something I have to do.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
“I don’t think you are really thinking this through, Fate,” Clarissa says, and I know she is worried about me. She’s a mom to me and having your child in this situation is never something you would support. I know I’d be having the same trouble driving my daughter to this meeting.
“I have to, Clarissa.” I need to see this through.
“You don’t. This won’t fix it.” I know what she is referring to, but I can’t go there. I keep my walls in place.
“I can’t talk about this right now, Clarissa,” I snap back. Her face turns from worry to sadness, causing me to immediately regret my words. “I’m sorry. I just…I have to end this today. Living with the fear is killing me from the inside out.”
When we pull up outside, I know she wants to come in with me. She turns off the car and I feel the memories trying to break through. I stay strong. She gets out and comes around to open my door. She takes a deep breath and looks down at me. “Are you ready for this?” I shake my head and I see her grip on the door tighten. “I’d kill him, you know, to keep you safe.”
“I know and that’s why I can’t let you come in there with me. You will protect me and this is something I have to do on my own. It’s time I take my life back.” She nods, and I get out of the car and walk into the building, never taking a breath until I’m finally through the doors.
Standing in the waiting room, I feel the terror start to take hold of me. Breathe, Fate, you can do this. The bell sounds, startling me. An announcement is made, telling visitors to make their way to the visitation area. The dread is overwhelming. Walking to the gate, I give my ID to the man and he points me in the direction of the visitation area I will be in. When I walk through the door, I see the glass and my breath becomes uneven. I sit in my chair as I wait for this moment.
As he sees me come into his sight, the smile that comes to his face sickens me. He picks up the phone on his side of the glass and I slowly grab mine. As soon as he speaks, I regret being here. “My baby girl couldn’t stay away, she needed her daddy.” All those feelings I have been holding in come out, not in tears but in the anger I have never been able to show him.
“I’m not your baby girl. You lost that right when you snuck into my bedroom after Mom died. A father doesn’t do what you did to his daughter. You don’t deserve that name. The only reason I kept Fate was for Mom, she wanted that to be my name. Always telling me it was her fate to be my mother, but your name I gave that up as soon as I could. I will never be your daughter again,” I say venomously. He doesn’t flinch. He just looks stunned.
“You can’t change blood. You can never change that,” he finally says and I’m already shaking my head in response.
“I can’t change the fact that you had a part in my coming into this world, but you were the reason I hid in this world for so long. What happened, why then? You never came to my room before,” I ask because it’s a question I have been asking myself since that morning I woke up and my whole world had changed.
“After your mother died…I was lonely.” I feel the vomit coming up the back of my throat.
“How dare you? Don’t use Mom. If anything, I think the only reason was because you know Mom would have killed you before she let you touch a child. Because, Kurt, I was just a child. You took that from me. I lost Mom and just like that, I lost my father too. The damage you did in those nine months after Mom was gone will be with me for the rest of my life. You are sick. I hope they keep you in here for a very long time, so you can’t ever do this to another child.”
“It was only you, Fate. I never did this before that night.” He actually looks as if he’s struggling to talk. “The following morning I felt sick to my stomach for what I did to you. I swore I’d never do it again, but every time I got back into the booze I found myself back in your room. Each time I said the same thing until I knew it was no use, I’d do it again. Then I became addicted to it. To that fear I got from you, I never thought you’d tell anyone.” If it hadn’t been for Clarissa, he probably would have never been caught. She just reminded me so much of my mom and when she stood in front of me asking me to let her help, I believed her.
“You destroyed me,” I whisper.
“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t know that. When they took you from me, I was actually relieved. I knew you’d be taken care of better than I could ever do myself. Your mother was my glue. She kept me in line and without her I had to find my own way. I was in a treatment program when I saw you in the tabloids and all over the Internet and it was like I was back in that house again.”
“I’m not yours. I never was. I was your daughter. The job you had was to protect me and you failed to protect me from you. The one person I shouldn’t have had to worry about. I’m studying Law. I’m going to do this not to defend people like you but to make sure they pay for their crimes. So know that if you ever come near me again I will have you thrown right back in here.” I pause, giving him a moment to get his thoughts in order. I know he won’t willingly agree to this.
“You could come to some of the meetings, we could work it out. I could be your dad again.” His words only reinforce that this man is truly sick, he’s all over the place and can’t seem to figure out that this isn’t a second chance for our family, it’s the final straw.
“That’s never going to happen, Kurt. If you don’t stay away you know you will end up back in here or dead,” I threaten. “I may not be able to do it, but Clarissa already wants you dead and Cameron…I’m sure if given the chance you’d be gone. Take this as what it is, a goodbye.”
“I know you’re not together anymore, even in here I have ways of checking in on you.” The pain he caused me as a child was horrendous but nothing compares to the pain I feel with Cameron gone. Sometimes things just don’t work, no matter how much you want them to. Some people are just too damaged to get through things like this.
“Don’t,” I plead, and it flashes back to that night with Cameron asking me the very same thing, beg
ging me to stop this. My heart feels as if it’s being torn into pieces and then set on fire. All that’s left of us is the ashes and they are being blown away. My time with him is gone. I feel the walls I’ve been keeping up since I was a child come crashing down. All those moments with Cameron flash before me and each one is like a knife to my heart. All the things I feel, the good and the bad, I just can’t forget Cameron. He tried to keep me there but all I did was run away.
“I have no right to give you advice, but I am begging you not to let what I did ruin your life. I think about your mother and me…” Kurt pauses and I see the tears coming from his eyes. I have never seen my father cry. “I will see her one day and she will hate me for the pain and devastation I have caused our child. Don’t let me ruin you forever. I know she’s here watching over you. I beg you…” His words are shaky and he is sobbing. “Don’t let the actions of a monster control you. If you do you’re nothing like your mother. She didn’t let me consume her.” With his words, I wonder if my mother ever saw such a hateful side of this man. My heart hurts. She never showed anything, she was so strong. “If I get out and I go back to the booze. If I find you, I am sorry. Sober, I will never bother you again and I hope they keep me in here. I hope they keep this monster in its cage.” This is a piece of the father I saw before my mom died. Mental illness and addictions can change people.
“You won’t find me. I will make sure of it. I don’t know what it feels like to be you, Kurt. I won’t ever know that feeling. I hate you, my own father. But I will also say thank you. If you hadn’t come back and shown me that I had to find my own strength I’d probably be hiding for the rest of my life. I’m done hiding. Do you hear me? I never want to see you again. This ends now.” The force in my voice is something I’ve never experienced before and by the look on his face he knows I’m serious.
Beautifully Destroyed Page 18
