Strong feelings. And it terrified me. I couldn’t allow this to happen. This went against everything that was best for me. He was trouble. This whole ‘arrangement’ was trouble. I was starting to question whether this ‘friends with benefits’ thing was even a good idea. Could two people really use each other just for sex? Somehow feelings always get in the way. I drew in a long deep breath as the thought of cutting him out of my life crossed my mind. That thought alone stabbed at my heart and filled me with more dread than the thought of having our ‘thing’ turn into a relationship. I was so confused I was nearly in tears. I covered my face with the palms of my hands and tried to shut out the outside world.
If we did have a relationship it would end in pain—more pain than the thought of cutting him out of my life. Relationships always ended in pain. This whole situation was like ripping off a band aid. It was better to get it over with now than later. I was afraid the time of ripping it off was coming soon. I couldn’t understand why the thought of leaving him hurt so bad. It wasn’t like we were actually together, but it felt like he had been a part of my life for years.
“I got you a gift,” Ethan said suddenly as he walked back into the room after cleaning up in the bathroom. He shocked me out of my thoughts and I looked over at him with a gentle smile. He pulled a small, white envelope out of a little basket under the nightstand, “I got tickets to the opera you said you really wanted to see.”
I took in a deep breath and gulped. I couldn’t accept these, especially not after the intimate night we had just shared. “That’s really nice, Ethan, but I can’t accept gifts.”
“Why not?”
“That would be crossing the line of our ‘arrangement’. Just sex.”
“What’s so bad about it? Come on, it’s just one outing to the opera.”
I sighed, “Ethan, I can’t. I’m done with relationships.”
He looked a bit downtrodden, but fixed a smile on his face anyway, “Okay then. Just so you know, I’m still totally open to our arrangement.”
______________________
A few days later, I was waiting in the backstage area of a rather large theater. My stomach was a mess of knots and I had to keep gulping down the threatening feeling of being sick. I had prepared a ton for this moment, but that didn’t stop me from being a nervous wreck now that the day had finally arrived. I was strong enough in my craft and committed to the character so that those nerves would dissipate as soon as I stepped onto the stage and said my first line. Until then, however, I was still just Amanda Blake. In the waiting room, I was just the aspiring actress who couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to land an audition.
My name was called and I walked forward. Sure enough, the moment I walked onto the stage I was no longer a budding actress at an audition I dreamed of. I was the character and ready to deliver my lines. My voice was strong and my expression perfect. When the audition ended, I could tell the casting director and those with him truly appreciated my performance.
He walked up to me and congratulated me on making an excellent impression. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re on the list for a call back so be sure to have your phone on you 24/7, Amanda. I am really glad Mr. Wood told us about you.”
In an instant I felt the wind knocked out of me.
“Mr. Wood? Ethan Wood?”
“Yes. He’s a long-time donor of the theater and you came highly recommended by him. I’ve got to say, he does have an eye for talent. Thank you for coming in and for such a great audition, miss Blake. We will be in touch.”
I walked out of the theater completely dumbfounded.
This was beyond crossing the line. It was time for the band aid to be ripped off.
It was Wednesday afternoon and I was in my weekly staff meeting. We had a bit more to talk about because I had just been contacted by a buyer in France. It was new, but promising and I thought it was worth looking into. All the important people of my company were there. I had just wrapped up my presentation when my phone buzzed in my pocket. Everyone was on a quick break, so it was safe to take a peek. It was a text message from Amanda. Thinking she was going to ask if I was free later that night to meet, I eagerly opened it.
-Where are you?-
Maybe she wanted to meet up now? I wouldn’t put it past her to want sex in the middle of the day. But there was something about the text that gave me the feeling that wasn’t it. Just as everyone started to filter back into the meeting room, I replied quickly to let her know I was in a meeting at work. Thirty minutes later, she came storming into the office and stared at me through the conference room window, clearly pissed. I immediately jumped out of my seat, feeling and looking a little embarrassed. I quickly grabbed her hand and dragged her into my personal office.
“What the hell are you doing? You can’t just barge into my meeting like this.”
“I warned you I was coming,” she shot back as if this excused her behavior.
I pulled out my phone and, sure enough, there was a message that she was heading over to my office. How she even found out where I worked was beyond me, but I figured it wasn’t that difficult. It just took looking up my name and finding my line of work. It wasn’t like I owned a small business or was just another corporate drone.
“Doesn’t matter,” I said dismissively, “That was wrong and you know it.”
She stared at me for a moment, “Why is it wrong for me to interfere with your job, but it’s okay for you to interfere with mine?”
I was floored. I had no idea what she was talking about. The two of us remained quiet for a couple moments. The entire time, Amanda was staring daggers at me. She didn’t even look this pissed back when I busted her nose open.
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” I finally said.
She scoffed, “Don’t act innocent, Ethan. You crossed the line and now you want to pretend like you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.”
“It would help if I knew what the fuck you were talking about,” I said tersely. I had very little patience for this type of bullshit in general, but right now it was even lower. She had busted into my office and nearly embarrassed me in front of my coworkers. That was not something I could let slide.
“The audition, Ethan! The audition! I can’t believe I really have to spell it out for you like you’re a damn child!” Her hands clutched at the top of her head in frustration.
“Oh, I’m the child? You’re the one playing the ‘if you can do it so can I’ game even though you’re a damn adult.”
“Sure, go ahead and focus on that to worm your way out of this. Typical.”
“Don’t start in with your ‘typical man’ bullshit, Amanda. Because then I can just as easily fling shit at you. I can’t believe you think this is okay. As if it weren’t enough that you disrupted a meeting and just marched in here, now you’re yelling at me in my own office. Are you trying to make me look like an unprofessional fool here?”
“I’m sure you do a fine enough job–”
“No, fuck that. If there is one thing I won’t take is you standing there and questioning my professionalism. You don’t know jack shit about how I work but maybe it’s because you haven’t ever had a real job.”
I clamped my mouth shut. The instant the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Not only did I not know anything about her work history, I had just crapped on her entire profession as an actress. I knew that was crossing the line. I saw her hands curl into fists and her shoulders tense. She pursed her lips into a thin line. Her look hardened.
“You can’t fucking say that to me.”
“You’re right. That I can’t say to you. What I can say is that your behavior right now is totally and completely over the top. This is far, far from okay.”
“So answer my question and I’ll leave you alone, Ethan. Why? Why did you do it?”
“Do what, for crying out loud?”
“Why did you go and make a call to get me that audition?”
“You have
got to be fucking kidding me,” I breathed out in disbelief. It was inconceivable to me that she would think it was acceptable to do what she just did all because I tried to help her.
“I most certainly am not kidding.”
“You’re pissed because I helped you? Incredible.”
“Incredible as it may be, I am! We agreed it would be just sex between us. That was all. But now you’re going around helping me get jobs.”
I stared at her in disbelief. Of all the reasons I had been chewed out by women in the past, this had to be the most ridiculous of them all. I agreed to the ‘friends with benefits’ because it was supposed to be free of drama, yet here I was arguing with her in my office of all places. This was going down in my workplace. That had never happened to me before.
“Amanda, I was just, I don’t know, trying to be nice? I knew people and I made a call. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“It wasn’t a big deal to you. It wasn’t a big deal to you because you didn’t think anything of it. Is that what you do? Just do things without stopping to think before you act? Why didn’t you at least tell me?”
I cleared my throat, “I was afraid you might get upset about it.”
“FUCK!”
“Keep it down!”
“Keep it down? What the fuck, Ethan? You’re standing here trying to act innocent, trying to make me feel like I’m going berserk for absolutely no reason, yet you acknowledge you knew all along I might get upset about this! Don’t you see how twisted that is?”
“Whatever! Maybe! That’s beside the point!”
“It’s not beside the point! It is the point! Look at us! We’re having a shouting match in your damn office because you pulled this dumb shit on me.”
“Or because you’re being dramatic and bitchy about it!”
“Right, just like a woman, huh? Fuck you, Ethan. That’s such bullshit. Maybe you want to buy into your shit because it’s all you can do, but it doesn’t work out in the real world. If you didn’t want to tell me because you thought there was even a small chance I’d get upset, that means that somewhere deep down you knew what you were doing wasn’t okay. And you still went and did it anyway! Do you know how fucking stupid I felt when the casting director told me about your call and I had no clue about it?”
“So you’re mad because you felt stupid?”
Amanda let out a growl of frustration and tugged at her hair. I watched her pace around my office before stopping and leaning against a wall. She looked up at the ceiling and took deep breaths. I could see her counting the seconds between exhaling and inhaling. She was really trying to calm down, but her body still looked tense.
“I can’t believe you’re acting like this,” she told me angrily.
“I can’t believe you are acting like this,” I spat back.
“Fuck,” she breathed out.
“I did a nice thing, Amanda, but you’re too wrapped up in your hate of men and your fear of relationships to acknowledge it. So I guess I can count a ‘thank you’ note out.”
“Yes, make jokes, Ethan. That’ll help for sure.”
“Nothing helps, apparently. I did something to help and now you’re screaming your head off at me without caring that this is my company. All I wanted was to do something to make you happy and this is what I get for it.”
Amanda stopped and stared at me. I saw her breathing still for a moment. I couldn’t make out what she was thinking, but there was obviously something going on in her mind. I debated talking more, but decided to let her have the next word.
“Why…” She took in a deep breath and asked, “Why would you do that?”
“I just said I wanted to make you happy,” I responded flatly.
“I know, but why?”
I paused. My heart started beating faster than I ever remembered it beating. A ball of nerves settled in my stomach. From one moment to the next, I went from thinking this wasn’t worth it to remembering everything Amanda had ever made me feel. It was overwhelming. She had made me feel a lot of negative emotions, but the truth was, most of them were positive. And the good times definitely outweighed the bad. If I was being honest with myself, she elicited feelings in me I didn’t even know existed. I genuinely enjoyed her company in a way that wasn’t at all sexual, even though that went against our ‘agreement’.
“Why did you want to make me happy Ethan?”
I opened my mouth, “I just did.” It was all I could get out.
I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell her how I truly felt. If she got that angry over an audition, what would she say if I told her I noticed things about her that weren’t out of lust? I remembered her stories. I knew what her laugh sounded like. I liked the sound of her voice when she talked to me. She was never boring. She was unique and it drove me wild; that was something I knew from the start, even if back then I thought it was pure lust.
“Ethan,” she said in a broken voice.
I wasn’t sure what the tremble in her voice meant. Maybe she was disappointed in my answer—or in me. Or maybe, just maybe, I had awoken something in her too. There was only one way to know for sure. I took a step forward. I stopped and looked at her. I peered into her dark blue eyes. I moved and walked around my desk so that it didn’t stand between us. I ignored the apprehensive look she gave me.
My mind was made up.
“I wanted to make you happy because I like to see you smile.”
“Don’t,” she whispered weakly.
“I wanted to make you happy because I think you deserve it. I know how hard it is out there, especially in your line of work, and I was in a position to help. I wanted to be a part of the chance you deserve.”
“Don’t do this.” She looked away.
“I don’t want to interfere or take credit. I just want you to smile. I want you to be happy and enjoy life. I want you to be as free as when we are together. You’re so present in those moments, I just don’t know how to describe it. You’re so alive and you should be like that always, for everything.”
“Ethan, don’t do this now,” she said a bit louder this time.
It didn’t stop me. I couldn’t stop now. I was going to tell her exactly how I felt. “I wanted to hear all about how your audition went. I wished I could have been there when you got the call to see your eyes light up with joy.”
“Just stop,” she mumbled, taking a single step away from me.
“Why, Amanda? Why can’t I just tell you how much I enjoy our time together? Don’t tell me you don’t enjoy it too. We’re so open and honest. I tell you things I haven’t told anyone before. Do you know why? It’s because there’s something about you that gives me the comfort to do so and that’s something I can’t ignore. I tried to push all that away but, guess what? It just kept coming back and getting stronger.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do, Amanda. I really do. For once I’ve met a woman I don’t want to kick out of bed and get her in a cab as fast as possible. You have a certain quality that draws me to you. It’s new, but it’s exciting. I’ll admit it. You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with.”
“Stop! I kept telling you to stop, but you didn’t listen. Ethan, just stop.”
I looked at her. I felt like something inside of me was crumbling, but then I saw her eyes glimmering. Were those tears she was choking back? Did that mean she felt the same way, deep down? My heart lurched. The thought of having a chance with her was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. I couldn’t believe I actually admitted my true feelings. It was something I had denied; even to myself.
“Ethan, I just… I can’t do it. I can’t do this.”
“Amanda,” I said softly, almost pleadingly.
She shook her head vigorously, “No. This isn’t working. We’re done. It was supposed to be sex only, but that’s all fucked up now. So we’re done. Feelings… Feelings, Ethan, all they ever do is get in the way and fuck things up.
I didn’t even bother going after he
r when she turned on her heel and nearly ran out of the office. She had tears streaming down her cheeks as she hastily wiped them away. I left the office early feeling completely overwhelmed. The meeting was ruined anyway and I was embarrassed by the entire situation. I took off and went straight to the park to clear my mind.
I walked aimlessly for a while, replaying the scene over and over. I tried to remember every detail on her face. I wanted to remember the look in her eyes when I told her my true feelings, but I couldn’t. The only thing that stuck in my mind was her tear-stricken rejection. I replayed everything over and over again in my mind. But I came to the same conclusion every time; if she was crying it was because a part of her didn’t want to end things.
Just Sex Page 11
