by Duncan Ball
‘I’m sure no one will steal him,’ Dr Trifle shouted back. ‘Even if he is the most valuable dog in the world.’
‘Gulp and double gulp,’ Selby thought as the Trifles went back in the house. ‘I wonder where the dog-nappers are.’
Seconds ticked by and then minutes as Selby watched the street for any sign of movement.
‘When are they going to pounce?’ he thought. ‘I can’t stand this! Come on, smugglers, come and get me!’
Selby shivered in the cold as ten minutes passed. As the excitement began to fade and boredom set in, Selby thought back over what had happened in the past few days. He chuckled briefly as he saw Dr and Mrs Trifle peering out at him from a crack in the curtains.
‘This whole thing is strange,’ he thought. ‘Even the agents’ names deWurming and Leesh sound like made-up names. It’s like some silly story that someone made up. Here I am, old non-valuable Selby, being guarded by hundreds of people while the really valuable dogs at the show have only the two agents to protect them.’
Selby chuckled again and then suddenly a light went on in his head.
‘Hey now, hold the dog show!’ he thought. ‘What if the smugglers don’t come after me? What if they go after the other dogs instead? Hey and double hey! What if those agents aren’t agents at all? What if they’re the real smugglers? What if they’re using me as a doggy decoy to keep everyone away from where the real dog-napping is happening?! Somehow I’ve got to warn everyone! But how?’
Selby pulled and strained on his leash until his collar broke and he was free.
‘He’s loose!’ someone cried as cameras flashed. ‘The world’s only Tasmanian Flea-Breeder is on the loose. Grab him!’
‘Now to make a dash for it!’ Selby thought as he made a dash for it. ‘And lead them all to the show before any dogs disappear!’
Next thing Selby knew he was running down Bunya-Bunya Crescent being chased by a hundred stampeding reporters. In a second a fleet of cars, including the Trifles’ car and the Bogusville police car, took off after him.
‘They’ll catch me on the road,’ Selby thought as he leapt a ditch and took off across a field, ‘but they can’t catch me here!’
Selby ran through bushes and trees but as he crossed a road the posse of press and police roared towards him. It was when he crossed a second road that he saw a ute tearing along the road in the opposite direction.
‘It’s them!’ Selby cried. ‘It’s the InterPooch ute! The agents are getting away! They’re heading for the airport!’
Selby swung round and tried to leap onto the ute, grabbing the cover on the back in his teeth. But in a second the cover had pulled loose and Selby was rolling over and over in it on the road. When he finally untangled himself the Trifles were standing over him.
‘We’ve got him!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘Oh, Selby, why did you run away like that? I guess all the people must have made you nervous. Don’t worry, there’s nothing to worry about now.’
Selby was about to cry out, ‘Let go of me! Can’t you see that the real crooks are getting away?’ when suddenly there was a din of barking from the back of the speeding ute.
‘The dogs from the show!’ Sergeant Short yelled. ‘They’re on the back of that ute in cages! And if I don’t miss my guess, those so-called InterPooch agents are driving! After them!’
As the Trifles picked Selby up in their arms, the police caught up to the agents and quickly had them under arrest.
* * *
Later that night, with the dog show finally judged, Selby and the Trifles went home again and plonked themselves down to watch the chase scene again on the late news.
‘So ends the most exciting dog story ever,’ the newsreader said. ‘And while Selby, the ordinary little dog that stole our hearts, didn’t win Best in Breed, or Best in Show, we have just learned that the Bogusville Canine Society has given him the title of Superpooch Supreme. What a dog!’
‘Gee, golly, gosh,’ Selby said, blinking back a tear. ‘What can I say? I’m speechless.
Paw note: He is, too. Read the story ‘The Shampooed Pooch’ in the book Selby’s Secret and see for yourself.
S
BUNGY BUNGLE
‘Why do terrible things always happen to me?’ Selby thought.
It was true. In his short lifetime he’d been squeezed by a huge boa constrictor, pulled up into the air by a rocket, nearly shredded by a weed-shredding robot, trapped in a cave, fallen into a toilet, and Tina the Two-Tooth Tiger had come very close to eating him for lunch.
‘Whenever something terrible is about to happen to me I try to get away. But, when I do that, something more terrible always happens,’ he thought. ‘From now on, when there’s danger around I’m not going to try to get away — and then nothing will happen to me. I’ll just sit back, take it easy and go with the flow.’
Selby was just thinking this last thought when he saw the terrible sight of Mrs Trifle’s dreadful sister getting out of her car.
‘Speaking of trouble: here comes Aunt Jetty! I’d better run and hide,’ he thought. ‘Now wait a minute. This time I’m not running and I’m not hiding — I’m just going to sit back and relax.’
‘I’ve written a story,’ Aunt Jetty announced as she flounced in the door. ‘A children’s story.’
‘What’s it about?’ asked Mrs Trifle.
‘It’s got a dog in it. Stories with dogs in them are always a hit with kids. They can’t miss. And it’s very realistic. So it should be a real winner. I’ll get it published and soon the kiddies will be begging me for more stories. It shouldn’t be long before I’m incredibly famous and even more incredibly rich.’
‘May I read it?’ asked Mrs Trifle.
‘Of course. That’s why I’m here,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Kiddywinks Weekly Magazine said they’d publish it if I can get it to them by tomorrow morning but I need someone to check it for mistakes. I’ll tell you a little about it first. It’s about a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated and witty woman named Aunt Betty. She’s a bit like me actually. And she has a sister who’s quite a nice person really.’
‘Thank you,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘The sister has a dog named Shelby. He’s a little light-on in the brains department,’ Aunt Jetty said, pointing to her head.
‘You mean he’s not very bright,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Dull as a dingbat, like old whatsit here,’ Aunt Jetty said, pointing to Selby.
‘She’s a great one to talk,’ Selby thought.
‘But Selby’s not dumb,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Well, that’s what you say,’ Aunt Jetty laughed. ‘Of course my story is just a made-up story. It’s not really about your dog. It’s about Shelby. I just used a similar name, the way we authors do,’ she added. ‘Anyway, the story starts when Aunt Jetty I mean, Aunt Betty — and Shelby go bungy jumping.’
‘Bungy jumping?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What do you know about bungy jumping?’
‘What’s to know?’
‘Have you ever done it?’
‘No, of course not. What do you take me for? People jump off a bridge with rubber springy thingies tied to their feet and then bounce up and down till they stop bouncing. What else is there to know? Anyway, the stupid dog,’ Aunt Jetty said, suddenly laughing uncontrollably, ‘this stupid Shelby (ha, ha, ha, ha!),’ Aunt Jetty snorted, ‘the brainless dog ties the rubber springy thingy around his neck instead of around his feet!’
‘Merciful heavens,’ Selby thought. ‘The woman’s a complete idiot! And she thinks I’m dumb.’
‘Let’s see now,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘This dog — this Shelby — actually ties the rubber springy thingy around his own neck, is that it?’
‘Yes.’
‘So he’s no ordinary dog.’
‘He’s one of those talking dogs that act like people — the kind you get in children’s books and on TV,’ Aunt Jetty explained. ‘Anyway, he jumps off the bridge before Aunt Betty can stop him.’
‘Aren’t those
rubber springy thingies too thick to tie around a dog’s neck?’
‘Details, details, ‘Aunt Jetty said. ‘What does it matter?’
‘Well, you did say you wanted the story to be realistic,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Well, yes, anyway the incredibly brave and quick-witted Aunt Betty knows that he’ll break his neck when the rubber springy thingy pulls back so she has to act fast. She runs off the bridge, down into the gorge, swims the raging river, climbs a tall tree —’
‘All of this while he’s still falling?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘I don’t know about this story —’
‘She’s very quick,’ Aunt Jetty insisted. ‘Very, very quick. Then she catches him gently in her arms and saves him from certain death.’
‘This Shelby must have been very pleased.’
‘To have a woman like Aunt Betty around? Of course. Who wouldn’t be?’ Aunt Jetty said, flicking a piece of hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Of course he’s so dumb that he doesn’t even realise that she’s saved his life or that, because of him, she’s ruined her best blouse. End of story.’
‘What’s the story called?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘It’s called “Betty the Brave and Silly Shelby”. What do you think?’
‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ Selby thought.
‘Hmmm,’ Mrs Trifle hmmmed. ‘It’s a good story but I have an idea. Before you fax it off I think we’d better watch some real bungy jumping. It’s important to get the details right, otherwise you’ll get letters from children telling you where you went wrong.’
‘Yes, I wouldn’t want that,’ said Aunt Jetty.
‘Then let’s drive over to Gumboot Gorge where Awful Knoffle gives bungy-jumping lessons.’
‘What a great idea,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘And we could bring Selby to see if the rubber springy thingy will tie around his neck.’
‘Why am I not thrilled with this idea?’ Selby thought. ‘Oh well, my worrying days are over. From now on, I’m just going to go with the flow.’
Mrs Trifle, Aunt Jetty and Selby arrived at Gumboot Gorge Bridge just as the former daredevil-turned-bungy-jumping-teacher, Awful Knoffle, was helping someone into an ambulance.
‘My goodness, there’s been an accident!’ Mrs Trifle said, rolling down the car window. ‘What happened, Awful?’
‘Thick ankles. Little feet,’ Awful said, shaking his head. ‘I hate it when they have thick ankles and little feet. They’re okay on the trip down but when they bottom out, the rope pulls off their feet and splat!’
‘Is he okay?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Yeah, he’ll live. Luckily the rope only slipped off after the third bounce so we just had to fish him out of the river. Stick around if you want to do a jump. I’ll be back from the hospital in a few minutes.’
With this, Awful Knoffle got into the ambulance and sped off.
‘Oh, look,’ Aunt Jetty said, jumping out of the car. ‘He’s left the rubber springy thingy behind.’
‘Yes,’ said Mrs Trifle, ‘and, just as I thought: it’s too thick to tie around a dog’s neck. But there’s a clip thing on the end. Awful must tie a rope around their ankles and then clip it to the thingy.’
‘I’ve got it!’ said Aunt Jetty, climbing up on the platform. ‘In my story, Shelby could clip the clip to his collar.That’s it! Here, put Selby up here.’
‘I can’t believe this,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t believe she’s actually going to clip that bungy thing to my collar. I mean, how realistic does she want this story to be?’
There had been a time when Selby would have kept his legs straight to make it hard for Mrs Trifle to drag him out of the car. And there had been a time when Selby would have thought of crying out in plain English, ‘No, no! Don’t do this to me! I’m Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world!’
‘But not this time,’ Selby thought. ‘This time I’m going to go with the flow and nothing will happen.’
Selby jumped out of the car and Aunt Jetty reached down and lifted him onto the platform.
‘Please be very careful,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You could fall off.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Aunt Jetty said, clipping the clip to Selby’s collar. ‘The important thing is to make sure there aren’t any mistakes in the story. I couldn’t stand it if I got tonnes of letters from little smartypants kids. Anyway, I’ve proved that the whole thing’s dead easy.’
‘Gulp. I wish she wouldn’t use that word,’ Selby said, glancing down into the gorge and the raging river below. ‘I should jump back down onto the footpath right now. But — knowing what always happens to me — if I try to do that I’ll probably trip and fall in the gorge. No, this time I’m just going to relax and everything will be okay.’
‘All right, Jetty,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Unclip Selby and let’s go. This whole thing is making me nervous.’
‘You?’ Selby thought. ‘How about me?’
‘Don’t worry,’ Aunt Jetty said as she picked Selby up. ‘What could possibly go wrong?’
It was just then, before she could jump down to the footpath, that a sudden gust of wind caught her and knocked her off balance. For one terrible sweaty second she swung her arm around and around in the air like a helicopter as she tried to get her balance. But it was no good — no sooner was she balanced again than a second, stronger gust caught the woman, knocking her and Selby off the platform and into the gorge.
‘I’m falling!’ Aunt Jetty cried as she grasped Selby’s leg in her hand. ‘Heeeeeeeeeelp!’
Down they went, falling through the air, to the sounds of Mrs Trifle’s piercing screams from the bridge above.
‘This is it!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m a dead dog! With the full weight of that great galumph clinging to me and the thingy clipped to my collar I’ll break my neck for sure! How did I get myself into this? This is the last time I go with the flow! Gulp. It could be the last time I do anything!’
Selby looked at the panic-stricken woman, her eyes staring up at the sky.
‘She’s completely out of it. She doesn’t know what’s happening!’ Selby thought. ‘Now if I can pull her fingers loose and grab my collar in both paws, I’ll be okay!’
One by one, Selby pulled Aunt Jetty’s fingers loose and already he could feel the wonderful feeling he knew he’d have when the rubber springy thingy bounced him back upwards. He would survive. He’d be okay. He’d have one more thrilling story to tell his writer friend.
‘Now wait a minute!’ he thought. ‘Speaking of writers — Aunt Jetty isn’t going to be so lucky. I think she is about to be no more. She is about to disappear from my life forever.’
A happy feeling came over him followed by a sad one. He began to wonder what life would be like when Aunt Jetty was gone.
‘No,’ he thought. ‘I can’t let it happen. I hate her but I’ve got to do something to save her!’
Just in the instant when he was coming to the end of the rubber springy thingy, Selby quickly unclipped the clip from his collar, clipped it to Aunt Jetty’s belt and then clung to her for dear life. Just then they bounced back up and then down and then up again until they hung just above the water.
‘Thank goodness you’re okay!’ Mrs Trifle sighed as she pulled them over to the riverbank. ‘I was so frightened that I had to close my eyes. What happened?’
‘I — I don’t know,’ Aunt Jetty mumbled. ‘Just get me out of this awful gorge!’
Three hours later, Aunt Jetty had recovered and was sitting at Mrs Trifle’s computer finishing her story.
‘I decided to make the story completely realistic,’ Aunt Jetty told her sister. ‘I just told it the way it actually happened. Now, how do I fax this off to Kiddy winks Weekly Magazine?’
‘You can do it right from the computer,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Let’s see now, I think you just push these buttons …’
‘How does she know what happened?’ Selby thought. ‘She was completely ga-ga. I wonder what she wrote.’
That
night when Aunt Jetty had gone and Dr and Mrs Trifle were sound asleep, Selby crept into the study, turned on the computer, and read the story.
‘Good grief!’ Selby thought when he’d finished reading. ‘She thinks that she rescued me! She’s got Aunt Betty unclipping the clip from Shelby’s collar and clipping it to her belt and then holding on to him! Why, I’ll fix her!’
Selby began typing furiously.
‘I’ll just make a few small changes,’ he thought, ‘and then I’ll tell the editor of Kiddywinks Weekly Magazine that this is a better story — which it is.’
With this, Selby faxed the story off and then turned off the computer.
‘I’m not sure if she’s going to be rich and famous from this story,’ he thought, ‘but the kids should enjoy the real story — “Smart Shelby and Bonehead Betty” — about the dashing, daring, death-defying dog who rescues Aunt Betty from certain death. Hmmm, writing stories is more fun than I thought. Maybe I’ll write my own from now on.
Paw note: There’s another story with Awful Knoffle in it: ‘The Diabolical Disappearing Dog’ in the book Selby Speaks.
S
SELBY, SPACEDOG
Selby sped alone through the silent blackness of space with his face pressed against the window of the tiny spacecraft. He could hear the crackle of conversation over the radio from Mission Control. As he stared at the billion stars around him, the same words went around and around in his head.
‘Help! I want to go back! Save me! Help! I want to go back! Save me!’
An asteroid drifted by, narrowly missing the spacecraft. Selby’s heart pounded and sweat streamed down his nose. He thought of screaming out in plain English to Mission Control. He thought of yelling, ‘There’s been a big mistake! I’m not an ordinary barking dog. I’m Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the universe! I’m too valuable to be sent on a dangerous mission!’
