by David Cross
Uncle invented Ziploc bags
Precociously inventive cook at age eleven
Was a baby model
Grandfather was black
Born without an anus
Has a prehensile tail
Raised by wolves
Drinks own urine
Can play the theremin
Raped by Catholic priest, now HIV positive
Speaks fluent Mandarin
Dad was a morning zoo DJ in Buffalo, NY, named “Doctor Fart”
Unknowingly the rightful heir to the Danish crown
Blew off three fingers playing with blasting caps when younger
Grew up in a suite in a fancy Las Vegas casino that Dad managed
Allergic to water
Suffers from a fear of children
Knew a soldier with AIDS who died in Iraq
Clinically dead for twenty-five seconds after a car accident as a child
Learned how to drive when eight years old
Great aunt makes homemade absinthe
Color blind, partially deaf, and can’t stop farting
Has agoraphobia
Kicked out of school for punching his/her teacher in the face
Plays the sousaphone
Plays the sousaphone in secret
Body uncontrollably gives off the odor of garlic
Allergic to pancakes
Triple-jointed
Once ate a dog on a dare
Into being peed on
Competed in the 2002 Winter Olympics
Disrupted the 2002 Winter Paralympics
Fucked Courtney Love
Was raped by Courtney Love
Has never eaten pie
Sister died in Hurricane Katrina
Was in a gay punk band in high school
Has a very valuable collection of presidential campaign buttons
Won a Clio award
Owns a Banksy
Has only one testicle
Left index finger is permanently fucked up because of a copy machine mishap
Retarded son is an idiot savant when it comes to astro-physics
Can swear in sign language
Was once on a plane that got hijacked to Sweden. Everyone was okay.
Was supposed to be on one of the 9/11 planes but overslept
Lost virginity to Mom’s friend, who many years later killed herself
Records every phone call, and has boxes and boxes of mini digital cassettes
Mom was a truck-stop prostitute
Has a fake kneecap
Speaks Gaelic
Can name every Carol Burnett sketch ever done
Uses a “hamburger” phone
Calls people “home skillet”
Drinks Sunny D straight from the jug
Never met a Jew
Has a third nipple
Can fart the alphabet
Went over Niagara Falls in a barrel
Knows Morse code
Great grandfather owned slaves
Once met Evel Knieval, who was mean to him
Grew up in a biosphere
Dad was a truck-stop prostitute
Dad was head of White Aryan Resistance
So poor once got only a package of Slim Jims for Christmas
Fucked a horse
Ate a tooth on a dare
Allergic to most shampoos
Has a condition called “sleepy eyes”
Has a condition called “weepy teeth”
Has a condition called “giggling ears”
Never seen Star Wars
Has a BB lodged in his/her neck
Was a child star in Canada
Got shit on by G. G. Allin
Got hit on by G. G. Allin
Got sat on by G. G. Allin
Only wears kilts
Lost right testicle jumping hurdles in high school
Was an integral part of making the world’s largest Denver Omelette
Responsible for team losing the 400-meter relay in swimming at the Seoul Olympics
Semen tastes and smells like Grade-A maple syrup
Once a year reads the New Testament aloud atop Mt. Rushmore
Yells at geese
Won’t poo on a plane
Only listens to reel-to-reel
Has an encyclopedic knowledge of the Gobi Desert
Graduated summa cum laude from M.I.T. at age ten
Like her brothers and sisters, was conceived at a NASCAR race
Father jailed for stabbing a mall Santa
Father was stabbed to death while working as a mall Santa
Survived Nagasaki but not 9/11
Does Jeff Mangum’s taxes
Pilot of helicopter that decapitated Vic Morrow
Has a nostril fetish
Raised by fish
Believes The Vagina Monologues are real
Believes in a Sun God
Legally tried to have their astrology sign changed, which went all the way to federal court
Thought of the idea for Survivor but never pitched it
Came in second place at “The Living Statue” awards in Montreal in 2007
Meets with Bob Odenkirk at the Koo-Koo-Roo on Larchmont once a week
Related to the Donner Party
Quit long-time, well-paying bank CFO job to join Clown College
Has a micro-penis
Spent two months in jail for defacing the Wailing Wall with “Yankees #1!”
Jerks off to the fantasy of Will Smith jerking off to him
Aunt invented the pocket fan
As a baby, threw up on Pat Moynihan
Truly believes that he or she is a werewolf
Killed his Grandma, no one knows
Brian Eno’s nephew or niece
Secretly lives in a mall
Youngest scholarship to Dartmouth ever
Shot in the ass, bullet still there
Saved the life of a retarded child
Born with no sense of smell
Saved the life of a retarded child born with no sense of smell
Can name every capital of every country in the world
Does “extra” work but solely in porn films
Spit on President Bush’s food in diner once
Shit himself while getting his first blowjob
Cousin was killed by Laura Bush
Killed and ate a dolphin
Was “possessed” as a child and had to be “exorcized”
Kidnapped by Farq rebels
Won $18,000 on Wheel of Fortune
Received a donor kidney by a murderer on death row
Has not spoken but only whistled since 9/11
Can only achieve orgasm through anal sex
Home brews their own sake
Father invented Krazy Glue but sold the rights for just five hundred dollars
Fucked a hamburger on a dare
Has 5-20 vision
Allergic to darkness
Has a thing for astronauts
Is a white person with sickle-cell anemia
Sings in their sleep
Collects beer cans, deli meat packages, hotel “do not disturb” signs, toenail clippings from around the world, high school yearbooks, used HIV test envelopes, international audio recordings of people sneezing, kaddish candles, racist weather vanes
Grew up in a tree house
OKAY—Wait a second. These are all good and fine if you are making an “indie” movie in the 1990s or early aughts, but that’s not gonna cut it anymore. As a culture we’ve become inured to so many random quirks. If you’re going to make an indie movie these days you need to seriously up the quirk. I recommend doubling up. You should take any of the above and combine them to make your uninteresting movie slightly less uninteresting. For example: Grew up in a Biosphere and fucked Courtney Love. Or, Mom was a truck-stop prostitute and was a precociously inventive cook at age eleven. Hahaha! That’s from J. T. Leroy!!!! Who it turned out is not really real!!!!! Oh shit! Meta-quirk!!!!!!
Sitt
ing on a Pole Trying to Win Some Money
WELL, HERE I AM. I DO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ONE THING. ONLY three people besides me are left. And so I know that I’m gonna win something, even if it’s just the Ani DiFranco tickets. I just wish it wouldn’t take so long. I know that’s part of the whole deal, but anyway, that’s what I wish. Wish? Try pray. That’s what I pray for. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so hard in my life. That’s not true. I remember praying this hard when I was twelve and got caught with Travis Montgomery in his basement smoking cigarettes and we had our penises out and we were looking at a Playboy. Travis already had pubic hair then. He was the one who wanted to do the circle jerk, not me, just for the record. Wow. Why am I thinking about that stuff? I’m a grown man. Enough. Concentrate. If I can last longer than these young clowns, and I will, then I drive away with a new Chevy half-ton “Destroyer.” Loaded. Easy. Larrisa thinks I’m nuts and that I won’t do it. Or she thinks I can’t do it, is more like it. Of all the things we’ve been through, I think that says more than everything else. She truly thinks I can’t do it. I know I can. There’s the difference right there. Hey, if nothing else I got tickets to go see a singer or a band named Ani DiFranco.
I can tell that this little shit two poles over ain’t gonna make it past the hour. She’s skinny, weak, and hungry and starting to get a little crazy. She’s been singing some song in Arabic or something like that. Maybe Jewish? She didn’t bring warm enough clothes, either, and it’s supposed to snow again tonight. I was smart and ate a pound of pure fatback before getting up here. I got fat to burn! I also coated my arms with Crisco so I’ll be warm, and since I was smart and got the butter-flavored kind I’ll be able to sneak a snack in every once in a while. Hard to believe it’s only been three days. It seems like I’ve been up here for a month. Outside of running out of poo room in my pants, I feel pretty good about my situation. It is boring, though. Even with all the people shouting at us. I wish they didn’t put us up so high so that I could actually have a conversation with folks, or at least hear what they’re saying. Five hundred feet is one of those abstract distances that you can only gauge with context. By itself you can’t really conceive of it.
But here I am, a football field and a half straight up in the sky sitting on a 6 x 6 piece of reinforced plywood. I didn’t count on how cold it was gonna be with the wind and all. But I need that truck. What’s the second-place prize? Fuck, I can’t believe I forgot. It’s a year’s supply of something. Noodles? Pimentos? No, it’s something for around the house. Windex maybe? Whatever it is, I’m not settling for it. How much Windex do you use in a year anyway? Three or four bottles at most, right?
The funny thing is I don’t even listen to Wade and the Cowgirl and hardly ever listen to the station at all. I’m not much for today’s modern country. Some of it I like, but I’ll take the classics any day. The Hanks, Snow and Williams. Earnest Tubbs, even Jim Reeves. Those are the greats. These damn D.J.’s don’t know when to shut up with all their guffawing and silly noises and Britney Spears jokes. I had the thing on “scan” and it landed on them talking about the truck giveaway and I locked on. Sounded simple enough. Be the last one down from their pole. Not easy, mind you, but simple. That’s the key, no math or anything that had to be figured out. My kind of contest. When I told Larrisa about it she thought I’d never do it. I think that’s what motivated me to go sign up even. I drove down to Duggan Chevy and did it right then and there. Now here I am, sitting on a pole trying to win some money. Or a truck, rather, but I like to look at it as free money. Because not only will I have a new truck, but I can sell my Dodge “Lacerater” to Marshal and Donna at Lotions For Less and pocket the cash. Pure profit. I wish I didn’t have this song stuck in my head. I don’t even know what it is. I know that Flap Montgomery sings it. I guess it’s called “That’s the Third Time that I’ve Twice Won Your Heart,” cause that’s the chorus part. Oh, I get it now. It’s like third, twice, and the “won” part means “one,” like the number one. Today’s country songs do that a lot. That’s what I was talking about before. I really… Holy shit! What the hell is this about!? There’s a helicopter dropping eggs on us! What the fuck?! Good God! It’s from the goddmamned radio station! There’s a big ol’ helicopter with a Star 96.7 logo on it and… that’s Wade! He’s throwing eggs at us. What’s that? It’s… is that… it’s the mayor! Jesus, he’s got a gun! Fucking hell! Where’s the Cowgirl? Is she part of this? This can’t be right. What are they doing Oh sweet Jesus and Jenny! They shot the Jew girl! How do I get down from here? Wait, no. Fuck that! This is a test. I ain’t quittin’. I need that truck.
Concentrate, goddammit. Now, there’s just three of us left. Ow! Fucking hell! Is that pepper spray? And… pineapples? They’re throwing pineapples at us? There’s no way this was mentioned in that contract thing we signed. Why didn’t I read that thing? Note to self: Read contracts thoroughly from now on! Oh! Someone is lowering a rope? Thank God. Or is this a trick? Oh, God! The Korean War vet just jumped off! Oh God, oh God. He just jumped on his own. Hey, just two left! I’ll at least get the window cleaner. Oh, come on now, I gotta stick this out. There’s a blimp, too? Why is there a blimp? That rope is… not a rope! It’s a fucking snake! Shit! Ahhhh, it’s on me!! I don’t get this?! Why???? Get it off me! The blimp is opening up! There’s a cargo door opening! Oh, thank sweet cousin Jesus! I’m being rescued! This must be one of those prank reality shows! Ha ha! I get it! The blimp is… wait, is that an old Australian man’s flabby ass sticking out of it? Is that… Oh, my God!!!
Didja Know?
Crazy True Fun True True Facts
Eggs are the only food that are both nutritious and mathematically impossible!
If the Sears Tower in Chicago was made entirely out of buttons, it would be the world’s tallest building made entirely out of buttons!
Butte, Montana, is home to the world’s second largest nickel!
It takes more muscles and longer to say, “No, thank you” than it does to not!
Children are America’s future and the elderly are America’s past and 42-year-olds are its present!
The word fucktwit was coined by Harriet Tubman after a shitty bath!
In Georgia, it is illegal for a man to secretly find another man attractive!
The best way to get cum stains out of your hair is with simple peanut butter and very complex soda water!
Although we are taught that blood is thicker than water, on the moon, the reverse is true!
If birds could swim, that’d be awesome! Also, they’d most likely be penguins!
Contrary to the common belief that Mexico is home to more explosive diarrhea than any other nation, surprisingly it’s actually Austria!
You cannot legally fold something more than twice in Canada!
The only two chemicals found in Dippin’ Dots, the unpopular ice cream, are polyhexachlorine and deliciousness!
A quick, and surefire way to tell if you are psychic is whether you are susceptible to coincidence!
In China, it is illegal to try to change your astrology sign.
In the great state of Alaska, fetuses have exactly as many rights as Tonya Gumm, a sixteen-year-old who was raped by Dupree Bellsmith, a retired pipe fitter with the local 173 and registered sex offender who was recently released from prison early due to overcrowding, and actually slightly more than D’nesh Bhowmik, a recent émigré and tech support worker for the United Nations!
I Hate America! or, I Hate America?
I’VE BEEN ACCUSED OF “HATING AMERICA.” NOT DIRECTLY, BUT by association. Because I don’t agree with the majority of pundits and radio talk show hosts and various columnists and bloggers in the mass media—that is to say, on the right wing side of things. But I do agree (most of the time) with the diametrically philosophically opposed on the left of that media spectrum. I like reading Paul Krugman and Greg Sargent and Markos Moulitsas. I usually feel enlightened and not merely pandered to. I try my best to be aware of easy emotional manipulation. And I do enjoy
listening to Sean Hannity and Mark Levin and Rush Limbaugh but mostly for the entertainment value. For instance, I remember once hearing Sean Hannity talk about exorcisms in the Catholic Church (this is for real). A fundamental part of the conversation was the tacitly understood idea that exorcisms were legitimate. Imagine! A grown man treating the idea of exorcising the “Devil” out of some mentally ill elderly woman as a real thing. Crazy! * You’re not gonna find crazy gold like that on Air America.
Personally, and I am being absolutely honest here, I have never felt like I hated America. Not even in my acid-dropping, Hunter S. Thompson–reading, angry punk-listening days. I would even say that maybe, just maybe, I love America. Much like the conflicted love one might have for an abusive parent or caretaker with a bipolar condition making them capable of true empathy and magnanimous compassion while meting out cold, unsympathetic, financial “tough love” lessons. My feelings about my country are in the spirit of caring about a fucked-up friend whose condition you hope doesn’t get so bad that they end up on A&E’s Intervention. I do have a number of negative observations and complaints about America’s domestic and foreign policies and what I would hope against hope would be seen as legitimate questions and/or constructive criticism and not virulent anger spewed and screamed from a clinically insane lunatic fringe lefty, communist moon bat or whatever invective Michelle Malkin is using today.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I really do hate America. I mean, could all of these people who make these accusations be wrong? The odds are against it. They can’t all be wrong, could they? The answer is, of course, “No,” judging by their own criteria. They aren’t wrong. Ever. They have never been wrong about anything. Not once! Not even once. They’ve “misspoken” several times where they’ve said one word but meant something else entirely and weren’t even aware of it until it was pointed out later. Their words have been taken out of context. And occasionally what they’ve said has been unfortunately “misinterpreted,” but that’s not really their fault. In the guise of their public persona, they have never made a genuine apology or, having the valuable benefit of hindsight, changed their position about a polemic event unless it was cajoled by some vague, begrudging idea of propriety. And if they’ve never felt the need to apologize or at the very least take responsibility for those statements, then clearly, they must be right. I mean they have to be right… right? And their counterparts on the left have categorically apologized for past incorrect facts and projections. I’ve heard or read the apologies, I know they exist. So, if those who are always correct say that I hate America, and the people that are accused of hating America but say that they don’t but have admitted to being wrong about certain things, then, ipso facto, I must hate America!
