by Jen Campbell
BOOKSELLER: It starts over on the far wall. Are you looking for anything in particular?
CUSTOMER: Yes, any books by Stefan Browning.
BOOKSELLER: I’m not familiar with him, what kind of books has he written?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know if he’s written any. You see, my name’s Stefan Browning, and I always like to go into bookshops to see if anyone with my name has written a book.
BOOKSELLER: . . . right.
CUSTOMER: Because then I can buy it, you see, and carry it around with me and tell everyone that I’ve had a novel published. Then everyone will think I’m really cool, don’t you think?
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: This might be a stupid question, but do you sell milk?
CUSTOMER: Do you sell lottery tickets?
CUSTOMER: Do you sell screw drivers?
CUSTOMER: Do you have an LGBT fiction section?
BOOKSELLER: We don’t have a specific section, but we do have LGBT literature – Sarah Waters, Ali Smith, Jeanette Winterson, Christopher Isherwood etc. Which author were you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Don’t worry, I’ll have a look through the fiction section – thanks for your help.
OTHER CUSTOMER: Sorry, did I hear you right? Did you just say that all the homosexual books are in with the normal fiction.
BOOKSELLER: All our fiction is one section.
(Other Customer looks suspiciously at the book she’s holding and slides it back on the shelf)
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a biography to read that’s really interesting. Could you recommend one?
BOOKSELLER: Sure. What books have you read and liked?
CUSTOMER: Well, I really loved Mein Kampf.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Loved is probably not the right word.
BOOKSELLER: No. Probably not.
CUSTOMER: Liked, is probably better. Yes. Liked. I liked it a lot.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Didn’t this place used to be a camera shop?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, it did, but we bought the place a year ago.
CUSTOMER: And now you’re a . . .
BOOKSELLER: . . . a bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Right. Yes. So, where do you keep the cameras?
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on the story of Easter?
BOOKSELLER: I’m sure we do, yes.
CUSTOMER: Excellent. Something with lots of chicks and rabbits would be great, thanks.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a book which lists the weather forecast for the rest of this year?
CUSTOMER: Will you be open so I can buy the new Harry Potter book?
BOOKSELLER: Yep, we’re having a midnight opening.
CUSTOMER: Great. What time?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a book of mother-in-law jokes? I want to give it to my mother-in-law as a joke. But, you know, not really as a joke at all.
CHILD: Mum, look, it’s the book of A Hundred and One Dalmatians. Can I get a hundred and one puppies?
CHILD’S MOTHER: No, dear, you’ve already got a hamster. That’s quite enough.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s only seven but he’s so advanced; it’s like he has the brain of a twenty year old. What would you recommend?
(Child finds the light switch and begins to flick it on and off... and on and off)
CHILD’S MOTHER: He’s playing a game he calls ‘Night and Day.’
BOOKSELLER: Could you please ask him to stop? I need to be able to see the till to serve these customers.
CHILD’S MOTHER: It’s ok. He’ll stop in a few minutes. See, he’s pretending to snore at the moment. He’ll stop soon and pretend to wake up, and switch the light on like it’s the sun. He’s so imaginative, isn’t he? David, what time is it in the game?
CHILD: It’s five in the morning!
CHILD’S MOTHER (to bookseller): See. Not long to go now. Just be patient.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any positions available at the moment? I’d like my daughter to get a Saturday job.
BOOKSELLER: If your daughter is interested in working for us, it’d be best if she came and spoke to us herself.
CUSTOMER: I don’t think she’s that keen on having a job, that’s the problem... But you could always come round to our house and try and convince her to come and work for you. Then she might consider it.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Atonement? But not the film cover, please. Keira Knightley’s neck makes me want to punch things.
CUSTOMER: I’d like a refund on this book please.
BOOKSELLER: What seems to be the problem?
CUSTOMER: It’s broken! I barely touched it. It’s ridiculous!
BOOKSELLER: What do you mean?
CUSTOMER: I mean all I did was drop it in the bath by accident. And now, I mean, just look at it: the thing’s unreadable!
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books containing passages which would be suitable to read out at a funeral?
BOOKSELLER: Sure, I’ll help you look.
CUSTOMER: Thanks.
BOOKSELLER: And I’m sorry for your loss.
CUSTOMER: Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s just my daughter’s guinea pig.
CUSTOMER (holding up a Jamie Oliver cookbook): Would you mind if I photocopied this recipe?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, I would.
CUSTOMER: Where’s your poetry section?
BOOKSELLER: It’s just over here.
CUSTOMER: Great. Do you know who wrote the poem ‘Happy Birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too’?
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Do they have their own collection?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a crafts book on how to build a gun?
CUSTOMER: I’ve always thought I’d like to open up my own bookshop.
BOOKSELLER: Oh, really?
CUSTOMER: Yes, definitely. There’s just something about it, you know? I just think it must be ever so relaxing.
(phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Hello?
CUSTOMER: Hi there. I have a complaint I’d like to make.
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry to hear that; what seems to be the problem?
CUSTOMER: My daughter’s been having nightmares about The Gruffalo.
BOOKSELLER: Right.
CUSTOMER: What are you going to do about it?
BOOKSELLER: Well, I hasten to add that I have never heard of a child having nightmares about The Gruffalo before. It’s certainly not meant to be a scary book, and I’m sure the person who recommended this book to you didn’t intend for this to happen either. When did you buy this book from us?
CUSTOMER: We didn’t buy it from you.
BOOKSELLER: . . . Right.
CUSTOMER: I’m calling from Canada. I’ve googled all the bookshops I can find, and I’m calling you up to request that you stop stocking the book immediately.
BOOKSELLER: . . . Right.
(Pause)
CUSTOMER: So, are you going to get rid of the copies that you do have?
BOOKSELLER: No, I’m afraid we won’t be doing that.
CUSTOMER: And why is that?
BOOKSELLER: Because this appears to be an isolated incident, and the book is loved by many of our customers.
CUSTOMER: Right . . . I see. Well. I’ll be splitting my daughter’s counselling bill and sharing it out amongst heartless booksellers like you!
BOOKSELLER: Out of interest, how many bookshops have agreed to get rid of the book so far?
CUSTOMER: I think you’ll find that that’s besides the point.
(Phone goes dead.)
(Customer is reading a book from the shelf, pauses and folds the top of one of the pages over, then puts it back on the shelf)
BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, what are you doing?
CUSTOMER: I was just reading the first chapter of this book, but I’m going to be late meeting a friend for lunch. So, I’m just marking it and I’ll finish reading it when I stop by tomorrow.
Ripping Yarns
www.rippingyarns.co.uk.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me, do you have any signed copies of Shakespeare plays?
BOOKSELLER: Er . . . do you mean signed by the people who performed the play?
CUSTOMER: No, I mean signed by William Shakespeare.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
PERSON: Hi, I’m looking for a Mr. Patrick.
BOOKSELLER: No one of that name works here, sorry.
PERSON: But does he live here?
BOOKSELLER: . . . No one lives here; we’re a bookshop.
PERSON: Are you sure?
CUSTOMER: Hi, if I buy a book, read it, and bring it back, can I exchange it for another book?
BOOKSELLER: No . . . because then we wouldn’t make any money.
CUSTOMER: Oh.
(on the phone)
BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any mohair wool?
BOOKSELLER: Sorry, we’re not a yarns shop, we’re a bookshop.
CUSTOMER: You’re called Ripping Yarns.
BOOKSELLER: Yes, that’s ‘yarns’ as in stories.
CUSTOMER: Well, it’s a stupid name.
BOOKSELLER: It’s a Monty Python reference.
CUSTOMER: So you don’t sell wool?
BOOKSELLER: No.
CUSTOMER: Hmf. That’s ridiculous.
BOOKSELLER: . . . But we do sell dead parrots.
CUSTOMER: What?
BOOKSELLER: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?
CUSTOMER: Erm, no.
BOOKSELLER: OK, well, if you change your mind, do call back.
BOOKSELLER: OK, so with postage that brings your total to £13.05. One second and I’ll get the card machine.
CUSTOMER: No. No, absolutely not. I demand that you charge me £12.99. I will not pay for anything that starts with thirteen. You’re trying to give me bad luck. Now, change it, or I will go to a bookshop which doesn’t want me to fall down a hole and die. OK?
CUSTOMER: What kind of bookshop is this?
BOOKSELLER: We’re an antiquarian bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh, so you sell books about fish.
CUSTOMER: Do you sell ipod chargers?
BOOKSELLER: . . . No.
CUSTOMER: Why?
(phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns Bookshop
MAN: Hello, is that Ripping Yarns?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, it is.
MAN: The bookshop?
BOOKSELLER: . . . Yes.
MAN: Are you there?
BOOKSELLER: How do you mean?
MAN: I mean, are you at the shop now?
BOOKSELLER: Erm . . . yes, you just rang the number for the bookshop and I answered your call.
CUSTOMER: Hello, I’d like a copy of The Water Babies, with nice illustrations. But I don’t want to pay a lot of money for it, so could you show me what editions you do have so I can look at them, and then I can go and find one online?
MAN: Hi, I’ve just self-published my art book. My friends tell me that I’m set to be the new Van Gogh. How many copies of my book would you like to pre-order?
BOOKSELLER: You know, Van Gogh was never appreciated in his lifetime.
MAN: . . .
PIZZA DELIVERY MAN (on entering the shop with a large pile of pizzas and seeing the bookseller, the only person in the bookshop): Hi, did you order fifteen pizzas?
WOMAN: Hi, my daughter is going to come by on her way home from school to buy a book. However, she seems to like to buy books with sex in them, and she’s only twelve, so can I ask you to keep an eye out for her and make sure she doesn’t buy anything inappropriate for her age? I can give you a list of authors she is allowed to buy.
BOOKSELLER: With all due respect, would it not be easier for you to come in with your daughter?
WOMAN: Certainly not. She’s a grown girl; she can do it herself.
CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy your heaviest book, please.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on the dark arts?
BOOKSELLER: . . . No.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any idea where I could find some?
BOOKSELLER: Why don’t you try Knockturn Alley?
CUSTOMER: Where’s that?
BOOKSELLER: Oh, the centre of London.
CUSTOMER: Thanks, I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it.
CUSTOMER: I tell you something, you must get some odd requests, working here.
CUSTOMER: Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs?
MAN: Do you have black and white film posters?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. They’re over here.
MAN: Do you have any posters of Adolf Hitler?
BOOKSELLER: Pardon?
MAN: Adolf Hitler.
BOOKSELLER: Well, he wasn’t a film star, was he.
MAN: Yes, he was. He was American. Jewish, I think.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER (poking his head through the door): Hi, can I bring my dog inside?
BOOKSELLER: Sure, there’s a sign on the door that says that friendly dogs are allowed.
CUSTOMER: Well, she’s not that friendly; she might bite people.
BOOKSELLER: . . . Well then please leave her outside.
BOOKSELLER: Would you like a bag? We’ve got plastic and paper ones.
CUSTOMER: Well I would have asked for a bag, but you said ‘plastic bag’ not ‘pla[r]stic bag’, so now that you’ve said that, I don’t want one.
BOOKSELLER: I’m not sure people say ‘pla[r]stic bag.’ Also, I’m from Newcastle so I say ‘bath’ not ‘ba[r]th’.
CUSTOMER: Clearly you’re uneducated.
(A customer in America ordered a 19th century book and, upon receiving it, said that it was in terrible condition. The booksellers were sure that the book had been accurately described, but said that the buyer could post the book back to them. The customer sent the book back in only a paper bag, with pieces of paper stuck to the pages that showed photographs. The spine was broken, as though he’d put said book on a photocopier, copied the images and posted the book back to the bookshop - never intending to keep it in the first place. The booksellers reported this to ABE books [the antiquarian bookselling website which the customer had bought the book through.]. They gave the booksellers the money to repair the book, and refunded the buyer with a strong warning.)
Several very rude emails ensued with choice phrases such as:
CUSTOMER: You will not forget this transaction. Every time an event goes wrong in your life, you will remember karma . . . I am a prophet and I bring you this message in the name of Jesus Christ.
A few weeks later, the customer posted an A4 envelope to the bookshop stuffed with pamphlets on how to recognise the devil within themselves.
CUSTOMER: I don’t suppose I could have a cup of tea, could I?
BOOKSELLER: Well . . . erm . . .
CUSTOMER: Thanks, I’m parched.
BOOKSELLER (indicating the bookshelves): Have you seen anything you’d like?
CUSTOMER: Oh, I’m not buying. I’m just waiting for my bus.
CUSTOMER (holds up a biography): Do you have this book but without the photographs?
BOOKSELLER: I think the photographs are published alongside the text in every edition.
CUSTOMER: Why?
BOOKSELLER: I suppose so you can see what everyone looked like.
CUSTOMER: I don’t like photographs.
BOOKSELLER: OK.
CUSTOMER: Could you cut them out for me?
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Hi, do you have any new b
ooks?
BOOKSELLER: We’re an antiquarian bookshop - our stock is made up of books which are out of print.
CUSTOMER: So other people have touched them?
BOOKSELLER: . . . Presumably, yes.
CUSTOMER: I don’t think I’ll bother, thanks.
BOOKSELLER: . . . OK.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any old porn magazines?
CUSTOMER (inclining her head): How are you guys doing?
BOOKSELLER: Oh, we’re clinging on.
CUSTOMER: Oh you poor dears, it’s this Kindle!
BOOKSELLER: Well, really, it’s the supermarkets making people think that books aren’t worth paying money for.
CUSTOMER: I hadn’t thought of it like that. It is terrible, isn’t it?
(Five minutes later)
CUSTOMER: How much is this book?
BOOKSELLER: That’s £10.
CUSTOMER: Could I have it for £5?
CUSTOMER: There was a book in the eighties that I loved... but I can’t remember the title.
BOOKSELLER: Can you remember anything about it?
