by Jen Campbell
CUSTOMER: Is your mother around?
BOOKSELLER: . . . I run this bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Sorry.
(Phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Hi. My friend recommended you to me. She said you sell the most amazing knee high socks.
BOOKSELLER: We don’t sell socks, we’re a bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh, have you sold out?
BOOKSELLER: Of what?
CUSTOMER: Of socks.
BOOKSELLER: No, we’re a bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh, OK.
CUSTOMER (speaking loudly on her mobile): Why aren’t you here yet? I don’t like walking around with two thousand pounds in cash on me! Hurry up and pick me up!
(Customer’s phone rings)
OTHER CUSTOMER: Will you turn that off? There are laws about mobile phones in bookshops, you know.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a restricted section?
CUSTOMER: Is this Hampstead Heath?
BOOKSELLER: No, it’s a bookshop.
(Customer walks in and leaves the door wide open)
OTHER CUSTOMER: Could you close that door behind you?
CUSTOMER: I’m just paying for this book, and then I’m leaving again. I’ll only be two seconds.
OTHER CUSTOMER: You’ve already been in here ten seconds and now it’s freezing in here.
CUSTOMER: That’s because you’re blocking my way to the till!
OTHER CUSTOMER: Just close the bloody door. Where are your manners? This is a bookshop!
CUSTOMER: You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever really read a whole book before...
CUSTOMER: I’ve been looking through your geography section – I can’t find any books on Atlantis.
BOOKSELLER: You know, I think we managed to lose those.
CUSTOMER: You know, if you put boxes of books outside you’d attract a lot more customers.
BOOKSELLER: . . . it’s snowing outside right now.
CUSTOMER: Do you have Philip Pullman’s The Book of Dust?
BOOKSELLER: No, I don’t think a publication date has even been set for that book yet.
CUSTOMER: I know, it’s just I thought you might already have a copy, considering you’re an antiquarian bookshop.
BOOKSELLER: . . . Antiquarian means old. We don’t have books, you know, from the future.
CUSTOMER: Ah.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any comics where the women have really big breasts? It’s . . . er . . . it’s for an art project.
CUSTOMER: Do you have Agatha Christie’s Death in Denial?
CUSTOMER (holding up a book about knitting) Do you think I could knit using my own hair?
CUSTOMER: I’d love to hold a fashion photo shoot in here. We could get models to come in and half bury themselves in books on the floor, or get them to hang from the bookshelves. Do you think your customers would mind?
CUSTOMER: What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: ‘Wow, that guy’s intelligent’?
CUSTOMER: We’ve got so many books at home that we’ve had to start recycling them.
BOOKSELLER: You mean you’re taking them to charity shops?
CUSTOMER: No, I mean we’ve actually started recycling them. You know, putting them out with the bins.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Can books conduct electricity?
CUSTOMER: Who wrote Winnie the Pooh?
BOOKSELLER: A. A. Milne.
CUSTOMER: Ah, yes, that’s right. She hasn’t brought out anything new in a while, has she?
BOOKSELLER: No, you’re right, he hasn’t.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any Robin Hood stories where he doesn’t steal from the rich? My husband’s called Robin and I’d like to buy him a copy for his birthday, but he’s a banker, so ...
CUSTOMER: Do you have any old knitting patterns?
BOOKSELLER: We do, as it happens, yes. They’re over here.
CUSTOMER: And do you sell knitting needles?
BOOKSELLER: No, I’m afraid not.
CUSTOMER: But I’ll need those when using the old knitting patterns.
BOOKSELLER: Well . . .
CUSTOMER: And do you sell wool?
BOOKSELLER: No, just the knitting patterns and magazines.
CUSTOMER: You haven’t thought this through properly, have you? How am I supposed to knit a scarf without knitting needles and wool?
BOOKSELLER: You’re going to have to buy those things from another shop, I’m afraid.
CUSTOMER: It would be much better for me if I could buy everything in one place.
BOOKSELLER: Unfortunately we can’t stock everything relevant to the books we have, otherwise we’d be full of gardening tools, sewing machines, cooking ingredients and paint brushes.
CUSTOMER: What are you talking about? I don’t need any of those things. I only need wool and knitting needles. I’m not going to knit with a paintbrush!
CUSTOMER: I’ve always wondered how one writes a book.
BOOKSELLER: How do you mean?
CUSTOMER: I mean, how did authors do it before computers were invented?
BOOKSELLER: Well, there were typewriters and, before that, they wrote by hand.
CUSTOMER: You would have thought they could have invented computers faster to make writers’ lives easier.
BOOKSELLER: . . . yes.
CUSTOMER: And then, now that they have computers, is there a program that they use?
BOOKSELLER: A program?
CUSTOMER: A computer program that you know, puts everything in the right order. Tells you what to name your characters and things.
BOOKSELLER: No, I don’t think so. Well, I’m sure that there are programs with guidelines but I don’t think people tend to use them. They just write.
CUSTOMER: They just write?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, they just write the story they want to tell.
CUSTOMER: So they just use something like Word?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, I guess so.
CUSTOMER: But, you see, that’s what I really don’t understand.
BOOKSELLER: What?
CUSTOMER: Well Word documents are A4 size, and a book is never that big. It’s a lot smaller.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: So, how on earth do they get it all to fit?
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on Japan?
BOOKSELLER: Sure. A travel guide or a history?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
BOOKSELLER: Which one?
CUSTOMER: Both.
BOOKSELLER: Right.
CUSTOMER: . . . And it should also have stories for children.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Illustrated.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: And it has to be a hardback, not a paperback. And it should be a good price.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: A really nice old edition, with a modern twist.
BOOKSELLER: . . . I’m really not sure what kind of book you’re looking for.
other bookshops
CUSTOMER: Do you sell reading books?
BOOKSELLER: Errr . . .
CUSTOMER: You know, books you can read?
BOOKSELLER: Did you have anything in mind? Fiction? Biography? Any other subject?
CUSTOMER: Just reading.
BOOKSELLER: Oh, sorry, do you mean books on learning how to read? My mistake. Yes, I can show you . . .
CUSTOMER (interrupts): NO! I JUST WANT A BOOK TO READ!
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?
CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.
Lauretta Nagel: Constellation Books, Reisterstown, Maryland, USA.
CUSTOMER: I’ve just been to the funeral parlour to make arrangements should anything happen to me, and to give them my directions for the service. Can I have my funeral service in yo
ur shop?
BOOKSELLER (nervous giggle): Well, I um . . . you’re not serious are you?
CUSTOMER: Well, it would be just wonderful wouldn’t it . . . I mean, not the furnace part, obviously, but the service.
BOOKSELLER: Erm . . .
Sam Barnes: Books and Ink Bookshop, Banbury, UK.
MAN: (sidles up to counter and whispers): Hi . . .
BOOKSELLER: Hello?
MAN: Do you sell condoms?
BOOKSELLER: . . . Sorry, no, this is a bookshop.
MAN: Oh . . . It’s just my girlfriend’s out in the car, and we’re getting a bit desperate . . .
BOOKSELLER: Hmm. Have you tried the service station just out there?
MAN: Oh. No. But are you sure you couldn’t just lend me one?
BOOKSELLER: Sorry, no . . . Try the service station.
MAN: OK. Thanks . . . Better run.
Andrea Jutson: Whitcoulls Bookshop, Auckland, New Zealand.
EMAIL FROM CUSTOMER: Please, I would like to know if this book has any mildew smell. If not I will order it as soon as possible. I have one copy but don’t like the smell. Thank you.
CUSTOMER: This is John. John is five years old. He’s hungry. Do you want to keep him?
BOOKSELLER: ... ?!
Nina Grahmann: Thalia Bookshop, Europa Passage, Hamburg, Germany.
CUSTOMER: I’ve searched your Shakespeare section high and low, and I can’t find a copy of Of Mice and Men anywhere.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
Tom Atherton: Borders, Llantrisant, UK
BOY: Mummy, can I have this book?
WOMAN: Go and see if your dad will buy it for you.
BOY: Dad! Mummy says if you don’t buy me this book, then you can’t sleep in her bed tonight!
Eleanor Potten: Book End, Bakewell, Derbyshire, UK
CUSTOMER: Have you got Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence?
BOOKSELLER (pulling the book off the shelf): Sure. That will be £5.99, please.
WOMAN: . . . Hasn’t he written anything cheaper?
Zoe King: Hatchards, Ipswich, UK
CUSTOMER: Do you have any bookish books?
Emma Milne-White: The Hungerford Bookshop, Berkshire, UK
CUSTOMER: I’d like to return this CD. It’s scratched.
BOOKSELLER: It . . . you must have bought it next door.
(Customer looks around, surprised.)
CUSTOMER: Oh, this isn’t HMV! Where’s HMV gone?
BOOKSELLER: . . . It’s still next door.
CUSTOMER: If I were to, say... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?
Maria Duff: Waterstone’s, Scotch Hall, Drogheda, Ireland.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me, I don’t know the title, the author or what the book’s about, but I know there were two words in the title . . .
BOOKSELLER: Ok, where did you see it?
CUSTOMER: Can’t remember - please don’t rush me. The two words were ‘something’ and ‘something’.
BOOKSELLER: ‘Something and something’? That doesn’t ring a bell I’m afraid, do you remember what the book looked like?
CUSTOMER: Can’t you just search for it?
BOOKSELLER: But . . . I don’t have anything to search for.
CUSTOMER: (Takes a pen and paper) Look, just type this ‘. . . . . And . . . . .’ into the computer. I can’t believe you are so stupid!
Former bookseller: Waterstone’s, UK
CUSTOMER: Do you know of any shop near here which might sell bibles?
BOOKSELLER: . . . yes.
CUSTOMER: Where?
BOOKSELLER: Er . . . here.
David Rees: Books Alive [Christian Bookshop], Brighton and Hove, UK
CUSTOMER (upon entering): So. What does this shop do?
BOOKSELLER: We’re a bookshop. We sell books.
CUSTOMER: Oh. How does that work?
BOOKSELLER: Err . . .
Tanya Caunce, TLC Books, Manly, Queensland, Australia.
CUSTOMER (pointing at the cover of Perdido Street Station by China Miéville): Excuse me, how do you pronounce this writer’s name?
BOOKSELLER: Well, I’ve heard people say Mee-ville, but I think, because of the accent, it’s Me-eh-ville.
CUSTOMER: No, I mean his first name.
BOOKSELLER: . . . Well, it’s, China – like the country.
CUSTOMER: The country?
BOOKSELLER: . . .
Sophie Mayer: Clerkenwell Tales, London, UK.
CUSTOMER (an elderly lady with Dutch accent): Do you have any books around here?
BOOKSELLER: Um, yes.
CUSTOMER: Where?
BOOKSELLER: Um, well, everywhere...
CUSTOMER: I don’t understand. Where is books?
ANOTHER BOOKSELLER: Ah. I think she is looking for Boots – you know, the chemist . . .
BOOKSELLER: Oh!
Martin Brailli: Waterstone’s, Reading, UK
CUSTOMER (holding a copy of ‘Inside WikiLeaks’): What about this Willileaks book, is it any good?
BOOKSELLER: Um, do you mean Wikileaks? Willileaks is a topic I have little to no knowledge about.
Jamaica Zuanetti: Berkelouw Books, Melbourne, Australia.
CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.
BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?
CUSTOMER: That must be it; I wondered what she was up to.
Elizabeth Durand: Bookland of Maine, USA.
CUSTOMER: The things on the walls...
BOOKSELLER: Bookshelves?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
(Pause.)
CUSTOMER: Do people still have them in their homes?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, I think so.
CUSTOMER: My friend’s just made some - would you be able to sell them for him?
(An old lady approaches the till)
CUSTOMER: Yes? What do you want?
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I rather thought that I might be able to help you.
CUSTOMER: Don’t be ridiculous. Do I look as if I need your help . . .?
CUSTOMER: I’ve just discovered that I’m Brad Pitt’s sister and David Cameron’s cousin. Is there a biography about me?
CUSTOMER: Would you mind if I had a little sleep on your sofa?
Hereward Corbett: The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop, Gloucestershire, UK.
CUSTOMER: Are there any cookbooks for people who don’t like to cook, and who don’t want to use many ingredients?
BOOKSELLER: I’m sure there are, let’s have a search on the computer. I’ll search ‘simple food.’
CUSTOMER: I don’t want any foreign food.
BOOKSELLER: Erm, OK, I’ll try ‘simple British food.’
CUSTOMER: Well, I’ve had those types of books before and they use things like olive oil. I don’t want anything with olive oil in it.
BOOKSELLER: Erm . . .
CUSTOMER: Can you just type in ‘cooking with lard,’ and see what comes up?
Sara Waddington: Simply Books, Pocklington, Yorkshire, UK.
MAN: Hi, do you have my wife in here?
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I have lots of wives in here, what does yours look like?
MAN: She’s let herself go a bit, is short and her roots are showing
BOOKSELLER: . . . !
Elizabeth Hurley: Hurley Books, Mevagissy, Cornwall, UK
CUSTOMER: Does this book come in other versions?
BOOKSELLER: I can check on the computer for you.
CUSTOMER: It’s just that I don’t like the way that this one pans out.
CUSTOMER: Do you have this book in stock? (Shows Amazon print out)
BOOKSELLER: We don’t, I’m sorry. It looks to me that it was only published in America . . .
CUSTOMER: But I checked online and it said you had it.
BOOKSELLER: Ah, on our website?
CUSTOMER: You have a website?
Nia Rosser: Waterstone’s, Cardiff, UK.
CUSTOMER: How much is this book?
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BOOKSELLER: $6.
CUSTOMER: I don’t want to pay that much. Will you take $2?
BOOKSELLER: No, the price is not negotiable.
CUSTOMER: I’ve got some cabbage in the truck, would you take some of that instead?
BOOKSELLER: . . . No.
CUSTOMER: How about some potatoes?
BOOKSELLER: No . . . what? . . . How is that different?
Caitlin Fry: Jeff’s Books, Strathalbyn, Australia.
N.B. Pets with Tourette’s is a thoroughly silly book with photos of cute animals with speech bubbles featuring horribly naughty phrases
CUSTOMER (inspecting the book): Oh. That isn’t what I was expecting.
BOOKSELLER: Yeah, it is a bit different to what we usually have in stock but. . .
