by Mandy Magro
Matilda nodded then smiled. ‘Yeah, you could be right.’
Ryan climbed out of the hammock and came and sat beside her. They rested in companionable silence as Mother Nature’s spectacular show stole their attention for a few minutes.
Matilda started when Ryan’s hand came down lightly on her back. She smiled at him to let him know it was okay to leave it there.
‘Tilly, I don’t want to dredge things up but I need to know you’re okay?’
Matilda’s belly somersaulted. She feigned ignorance as she kept her gaze firmly focused on the horizon. ‘Huh? What are you on about?’
‘You know, after last night.’
She shook her head, somehow finding the strength to meet his gaze. ‘What happened last night? Did I miss something?’
Ryan looked a little sad and dropped his hand from her back. ‘Ah, okay, we’re going to play it that way, huh?’ He clasped his hands and sighed. ‘Do you think it’s wise to ignore it, sweep it under the rug?’
Matilda sucked in a shaky breath, her playful facade slipping as Ryan’s intense blue eyes pierced hers. She so wanted to love this man. ‘I think it’s best if we move on, and not go over and over it, yes. If that’s ignoring it ever happened, then yes, I think it’s the right way to go about it. After what our exes have just put us through, we both know we’re not ready for another relationship, Ryan, so why even go there in the first place.’
Goddamn it, she so wanted to throw caution to the wind and jump into bed with this gorgeous hunk of manliness, but that would be absolute stupidity. She would prefer to at least have him as a mate than risk ruining everything by sleeping with him.
Ryan pulled an unconvinced face, then shrugged, his eyes not leaving hers for a second. It was as though he were trying to read her thoughts. ‘Righto, that’s fine with me if it’s fine with you. As long as you’re okay, I’m okay.’
Feeling as though she was falling into the depths of his soul, Matilda turned away. ‘Yes, mister worry wart, I’m fine.’ She turned back to him, forcing a massive smile while at the same time praying he couldn’t see through it. ‘In fact, I’m so good that I’m all in for tonight. I think you and me need to hang out as mates, and like you said, have some fun.’
‘Excellent. You want to grab a counter attack before the band starts?’
She tipped her head to the side. ‘A what?’
‘A counter dinner? You know, like steak, chips and veggies or a chicken snitty and salad.’
Matilda chuckled. ‘Oh, yep, sounds like a plan.’
‘Great, we’ll head in around six then.’ Ryan’s phone chimed from the hammock and he jumped up to grab it. ‘That’ll be Mum, I bet. She calls early because she knows I usually have my phone on silent if I’m sleeping and I’ll answer it if I’m awake … I forgot to flick it over before I conked out.’ He took a quick look at the caller ID. ‘Hey, Mum.’
Listening for a few seconds, he turned to Matilda. ‘She’s right here if you want to ask her yourself.’
A short pause, followed by, ‘Yes, Mum, she’s awake.’
Ryan passed the phone over.
‘Hi, Lisa.’
‘Hi, love, how are you today?’
‘Yeah, I’m good thanks, Lisa. You?’
‘Yes, I’m still breathing, so I can’t complain. Samara and I are going to head into town for our yoga class later this morning and then we’re going to have a bite to eat at the organic cafe. I was wondering if you’d like to join us?’
A lover of anything to do with calming the body and mind, it didn’t take Matilda long to decide. ‘Actually, I’d love to, thanks, Lisa.’
‘Good, I was hoping you’d say yes. I’ll pick you up at ten-thirty, the class starts at eleven.’
‘I’ll be ready.’
‘Righto, love, we’ll see you then, and give that son of mine a morning hug for me, would you?’
‘Will do, see you both then.’ Matilda passed the phone back to Ryan, who watched the screen go black.
‘Oh nice, she didn’t want to talk to me again, and only rang to talk to you in the first place. My mum doesn’t want me anymore now she has you.’ He faked anguish by pretending someone had just stabbed him in the heart.
Matilda gave him a playful shove, and then on the spur of the moment did as Lisa had asked and hugged him. Surprised by her gesture, Ryan tensed, but it didn’t take him long to recover and hug her back. The atmosphere started to heat up, as did Matilda’s entire body. His breath caressed her earlobe, the spot that had the power to send her wild with desire. It felt way too good in his arms. Closing her eyes, she subtly breathed in his manly scent then trying to lighten the mood she gave him a few light slaps on the back before pulling away. ‘That was from your mum.’
‘Oh dang it, and here I was thinking you’ve reneged on the whole let’s forget about it thing.’ He winked but Matilda gave him a stern look. ‘Only kidding.’ He held his hands up in surrender.
Matilda went to slap him again but he ducked and weaved like a professional boxer. ‘You gotta be quick to get me, Miss Denver.’ Jumping to his feet he made his way to the front door. ‘I s’pose I best go get decent, shove some brekkie down my throat and go over to help Dad and Jake before Dad turns up here telling me it’s almost lunchtime and asking what I’m doing with myself.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘As much as he drives me round the bend I still love the old bugger.’
Matilda couldn’t wipe the smile from her face as she watched him disappear inside.
A knock at the front door sent Matilda into a flurry as she was just getting out of the shower. She threw her robe on and raced down the hallway. She swore beneath her breath before she opened the door. Lisa and Samara were half an hour early and she wasn’t near ready yet. Two faces met her on the other side of the flyscreen, one smiling and the other drawn and haunted. ‘Hi, ladies, come on in. I just need to get some clothes on and my crazy hair sorted, and I’ll be good to go.’
‘Sorry, love, no rush. I know we’re early.’ Lisa gave her a kiss on the cheek and Samara walked past, her eyes to the floor. Matilda felt a surge of compassion for the young girl. She knew all too well what the death of a mother and anxiety could do to a person, let alone losing her dad around the same time.
‘Say hi, Samara,’ Lisa said softly.
With a weak smile Samara did as she was told. ‘Hi, Tilly.’
Matilda went to give Samara a squeeze in greeting but sensing her discomfort she held out her hand. ‘Hi, Samara, it’s so lovely to meet you.’
Samara accepted the gesture, her grip soft and unsure as she did so.
‘I don’t need to tell you both to make yourselves at home … and while you do I’ll go finish getting ready.’
A pattering of paws on the floor, coming at full pelt from behind her, sent Matilda twirling around. Huckleberry had obviously just woken up from his nap and realised he was missing out on company. He skidded to a stop at the women’s feet, panting and wagging his tail like billyo. It was then Matilda witnessed a hint of a smile on Samara’s lips. The girl knelt down and showered Huckleberry with love. If anxiety were something a person could see, Matilda was sure they would have seen it pouring out of Samara as she warded off Huckleberry’s doggy kisses.
Samara actually giggled. Matilda smiled as Huckleberry rolled onto his back, waiting for a good belly scratch.
‘Oh, you big smooch,’ Samara said with a soft chuckle. She looked up from the floor, finally meeting Matilda’s eyes. ‘He’s beautiful. How old is he?’
‘I’m not too sure. I found him on the side of the road less than a week ago, but I’m guessing he’d be a couple of years old.’
‘You saved him from being homeless?’
‘I sure did. In a way, he saved me too.’
‘That’s really lovely of you. Not many people would do that.’ Samara offered a smile warm enough to melt Matilda’s heart. And melt it, it did, big time.
‘You can come and visit him anytime you like. As you can see, he’s an att
ention hog.’
‘Thanks, I’d really, really like that.’ Samara turned her attention back to Huckleberry, allowing Lisa to give Matilda a thank-you smile.
Matilda reached out and gave Lisa’s arm a gentle squeeze. ‘I best go get ready so we’re not late.’
Lisa nodded, her smile wide as she watched Samara and Huckleberry bonding. ‘Okay, love, like I said, no rush.’
Ryan’s belly grumbled. It was coming close to lunchtime but until he finished fixing the quad motorbike, he wasn’t stopping. Another half hour and it should be done. It was taking him longer than usual because his thoughts were twirling around like a whirly wind, taking him back to the shared moment by the tyre swing. The beautiful sensation of touching his lips to Tilly’s taunted him, and stirred feelings inside of him he didn’t want roused. What a jerk he was, making a move on her like that. He was angry with himself. He also recalled hearing her say his name as he had come up behind her on the couch, and he so wished he had heard the rest of the conversation. It broke his heart to think she was whispering to her mother.
Jake’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. ‘Are you even listening to me, bro?’
‘Oh yeah, sorry, Jake. I was concentrating on the job. What were you saying?’
‘I said, I’m really looking forward to tonight. It feels like forever since you and I had a night out on the piss.’
‘I’m not going to be getting myself slaughtered. Too old for hangovers.’
‘Oh my God, do you want a violin, old man?’
‘Get stuffed,’ Ryan said good-humouredly.
‘Righto, and while I’m getting stuffed can you pass me the shifter …’ Jake’s grease-covered hand shot out from under the tractor. ‘If I get up the courage I might even make a move on your new flatmate tonight.’
A jolt of adrenaline shot through Ryan with the thought of his brother getting intimate with Tilly. There was no way in hell he would allow that to happen. Ever. Rifling through the disorganised toolbox—a trait of Jake’s that drove Ryan nuts—he finally found what he was looking for. He was glad his brother couldn’t see his face, or hear his quickened breath as he passed him the shifter. ‘If I were you I’d stay away from her, Jake. Tilly’s not in a good headspace at the moment and she doesn’t need the likes of you sniffing around her like a dog on heat.’
‘Come on, bro, that’s a bit harsh.’ Jake slid out. ‘I’m not just looking for a cheap fling. I actually reckon she might be the one.’
Ryan laughed sarcastically. ‘You reckon every girl you meet is the one.’
‘Whatever, no I don’t.’
‘Oh yes you do.’ Ryan stood his ground, his arms crossing defensively. ‘What about Sarah?’
‘Yeah, well, it wasn’t my fault things turned sour.’
‘You drove her nuts with your untidiness and chaotic lifestyle.’
‘She should have just accepted me for who I was.’
‘Aha, maybe you should have accepted her for who she was, and what about Polly?’
‘She left me, not the other way around.’
‘Because you cheated on her, Jake.’
‘I can’t help it if I have a high libido.’
‘You can’t commit … admit it.’ He huffed. ‘While we’re at it, what about Yvonne?’
Jake put his hands up. ‘Okay, okay, enough with the interrogation. Far out, what’s got into you today?’
‘Nothing, other than you.’ Ryan stopped for a second. ‘Sorry, Jake, I’m just a bit tired. Stay away from Tilly, okay. She’s out of bounds, and that goes for your mates too.’
‘Holy crap, bro, you like her!’ Jake pointed the shifter at Ryan. ‘That’s why you’re telling me to steer clear of her.’ He was grinning, pleased with himself, as though he had just unearthed a massive secret.
Ryan got back to what he was doing on the four-wheeler. ‘So what if I do, nothing’s going to come of it. We’re both too messed up and broken to ever be able to make a go of it.’
‘Do you want me to pull out those violins again so we can make it sound even more dramatic?’
‘Oh get fucked, Jake. I just don’t want to see her hurt any more than she already has been. She’s had a really hard time the past couple of years.’
Jake sat down, his usually playful face now solemn. ‘Fair enough. But please tell me you’re not taking her in and doing everything to help her because you’re still beating yourself up about Regan. It wasn’t your fault, man. You got there as fast as you could.’
Ryan busied himself sorting out the shambolic toolbox. He needed something, anything, to do with his hands. ‘I don’t want to hear the whole it’s not your fault speech again, Jake. I’ve heard it a million times and it’s getting old. No, I’m not doing it because of my guilt. I’m doing it because Tilly is a beautiful soul and I believe we crossed paths so I can help her through all this. That’s all.’
‘So how come you don’t want us to tell her about Regan? Why so secretive?’
‘Because I don’t want her to think, like you just have, that I’m doing it to make myself feel better.’
Jake shrugged. ‘Fair call, I suppose. You do know Samara might mention something, seeing as we haven’t told her not to.’
‘Yeah, I’ve already thought about that. If she does, then so be it. But to be honest, Samara doesn’t even mention her mum to us, so it’s not like she’s going to talk about it with Tilly, is she?’
‘True.’
The ringing of Ryan’s phone broke the conversation. In three strides he grabbed it from the smoko table. The caller ID made his stomach jolt. ‘Hey, Jim, everything okay?’
‘Yeah, sort of, Ryan … I’ve just had word from the Northern Territory police that Troy is coming here today to pick up his fourwheel drive.’
‘Today? It’s a bit short notice, don’t you reckon?’
‘Yeah, I know, but before you get your knickers in a knot, I’ve only just been told myself.’
‘Okay, fair enough. Are you on duty?’
‘No, I’m not, but I’m heading down there to wait until he turns up. I gave you my word I’d watch out for Tilly, and I will. I’ll pass his keys over and escort him out of town if I have to.’
‘Righto, well, I better try and get hold of Tilly to let her know. Mum took her and Samara into town for a girls’ day. We don’t want them running into him in there.’
‘No, we certainly don’t, Ryan, so if you can get onto that I’ll go down to the station now.’
‘Will do, Jim. Thanks for the head’s up. Really appreciate it.’
‘Before you go, Ryan, promise me, if you run into him while he’s in town, you’re not going to go doing anything stupid.’
‘You know me, Jim, I don’t like to make promises.’
‘Yeah, well, just stay out of trouble.’
‘I’ll try. Jim …’
‘Yes.’
‘Have you spoken to Greg yet?’
‘I was supposed to go around and talk with him about it this morning, it’s not something I want to do over the phone, but it looks like I’ll have to try and catch him later on, once Troy’s been and gone.’
‘Righto, let me know how you go, can you? I feel like a bastard keeping it from her.’
‘It’d be wrong of you to tell her before I speak to Greg, so you’re doing the right thing, keeping it under lock and key for now, Ryan. We don’t even know if my hunch is right yet.’
‘Okay, Jim, catch ya.’
CHAPTER
13
While in the downward-dog position, Matilda looked between her legs at Samara behind her, just in time to see her panic-stricken face. She was contemplating the only door out of the room with frantic eyes. From experience, Matilda sensed it was because a panic attack was looming. Lisa was beside her granddaughter, her eyes closed as she followed the teacher’s gentle instructions and came into the cat pose.
Samara shot to her feet and dashed towards the door on her tiptoes. Lisa was so engrossed in the yoga position sh
e didn’t notice her absconding. Matilda took the initiative to follow Samara. There was no way she would let her go through a panic attack alone—she hoped Samara would allow her to help. She found Samara outside, her arms wrapped around herself as she tried to breathe.
Matilda gently placed her hand on Samara’s back. ‘Hi, sweetheart, are you okay?’
Samara looked to her, tears streaming down her face. ‘Not really, but I’ll be fine, just go back inside.’
But she wasn’t okay and Matilda wasn’t going anywhere. ‘Samara, I’ve had panic attacks too, so I understand what’s happening.’
‘You have?’
‘Yes, and I know how to make them stop.’
Samara was gasping for air, her entire body now trembling. ‘I can’t feel my legs, Tilly, and …’ She held her hands out and looked at them like they weren’t her own. ‘I don’t feel like I’m in my body.’ She began to sob. ‘Does this mean I’m going mad?’
Matilda fought to hold back tears. ‘No, sweetheart, not at all. It’s just your body reacting to the adrenaline running through you, that’s all. It’s actually very normal to feel like that.’
‘I feel like I can’t breathe. What if my throat closes over?’ Samara was becoming more panicked by the second as she rubbed her neck. ‘Please help me.’
‘It’s okay, I’m here.’ Matilda kicked into action, making sure to keep her voice soft and steady but strong at the same time. ‘I know what I’m about to say is going to sound really strange, because all you want is for the panic attack to stop, and you’re fighting it with everything you have to make it go away, but you need to do the opposite. Defuse its power by flowing with it.’
Samara’s lips were shaking as she spoke. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Think of it like the waves in the ocean. If you fight them they are going to toss you around, but if you move with the waves you can ride up and over them.’
‘How am I meant to do that? What if I make it worse? Please, Tilly, make it stop.’
Matilda was fighting to hold herself together. Seeing Samara going through something she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy was crushing her. ‘Okay, instead of saying, “What if”, say to yourself, “So what if it gets worse, I can handle it.” Say it out loud if you need to.’
