“Kathy!” Allie screamed as she reached forward in vain. “Kathy! Say something!”
By that time, Linda had begged someone nearby to watch the children for a moment. Anxiously she pressed through the crowd. Chase saw her, pulled her to himself, and wept in her arms. “I think they’re dead, Linda. I think Lane and Kathy are dead.”
Within minutes, the police responded to a cell phone call, EMTs right behind them. Chase and Linda watched helplessly as the experts administered first aid. Chase noticed one of them shake his head while examining the bodies. A policeman patiently spoke to the bewildered pickup driver as the ambulance sped away with Frank and Allie. In a daze, Chase asked another policeman if anything more could be done. Left with no answers and realizing the futility of staying, he and Linda slowly walked arm in arm back to their rental car. Linda insisted on driving.
“I can’t believe I ran that yellow light!” Chase loudly moaned, pounding his hand on the dashboard as they sped toward the hospital. “I should’ve stopped!” He hit the dashboard again.
Linda reached over to touch his shoulder. “Honey, please don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. The other driver obviously didn’t see them in time.”
“You kids all right?” he asked through his tears.
“Yes, Daddy,” they responded, fearful of saying anything more and not used to seeing their father cry.
Chase stared blankly ahead. Everything felt surreal. In one moment they’d gone from a joyful family excited about the possibilities of the future to one struck by tragedy. Why didn’t he stop instead of trying to beat the light? They didn’t have any time limit. What was his hurry? How do you deal with death thrown at you so unexpectedly? he wondered. Where do you place it in your plans for tomorrow, or the next day, or even the following year? And what about the uncanny number of deaths in the last few months—Mom, Dad, and now Lane and Kathy? Is it all merely bad luck, coincidence, the hand of God, or fate? Or does any of that matter?
Chase knew he had to be strong for Linda and the children and maybe for Frank and Allie, who might not be fully aware of what happened. But how could he show strength when he felt responsible for the calamity?
“It’s not my fault,” Chase whispered to himself, repeating Linda’s words. “Of course it’s not. I know she’s right, but man, I’m not sure I can handle this. I should’ve stopped,” he said aloud to no one in particular.
“Chase, don’t do this to yourself,” Linda said. “It could’ve happened to anyone.”
“Yeah, but it happened to me, to us, to the whole family.”
“I know,” she answered tearfully. “We’ll get through it somehow. Please don’t torture yourself like this.”
“I’ll try not to.”
They parked near the hospital entrance. Chase told Amy and Ryan that he and their mother needed to see their Uncle Frank and Aunt Allie and that they would have to stay in the waiting room. After a few questions at the emergency check-in, Chase and Linda entered a room with four or five curtained partitions. They peeked through each of them, and the last one revealed Frank standing at Allie’s bedside.
Chase moved toward them, Linda’s arm tucked in his. “Frank! How are you and Allie?”
“Hey, Chase, Linda,” he answered, visibly in pain. “I’ll be okay. They’re running some tests on Allie. What about Lane and Kathy?”
Chase slowly shook his head. Allie burst out sobbing; Linda stepped over to comfort her, stroking her hair, softly crying with her. The brothers embraced, weeping in each other’s arms. Minutes passed. Frank spoke first, wiping his nose and holding Chase by the shoulders.
“How, Chase? How can they be dead and we’re alive? I don’t get it.”
“I don’t either,” he said, running his sleeve underneath his nose. “I guess … I suppose the way the car split in half … I don’t know, Frank.”
“Well what happened? Felt like a train hit us.”
“Lane caught the tail end of the yellow light, and an old truck slammed into you full force.”
“A drunk?”
Chase shook his head. “I have no idea. Hey, Allie,” he said, stepping closer to the bed, “everything’s going to be all right. We’re here for you, whatever you need.”
Allie held on tightly to Linda’s hand without a word, gazing across the room through misty eyes.
After a few more minutes of silence, Chase whispered to his brother that they should take the children home but that if he and Allie were released, they should call him, no matter what the time, and he would pick them up. They embraced again, Frank allowing more tears to flow. Not knowing what else to say, Chase gently patted his back. Linda squeezed Allie’s hand and then before leaving reached over to gently touch her foot underneath the blanket. “See you soon, Allie. It’ll be okay. We love you.”
CHAPTER 20
For the next hour, during the drive home and while putting them to bed, Chase and Linda attempted to detraumatize their children, helping their young minds process the tragedy. Amy and Ryan asked about Uncle Frank and Aunt Allie. Chase and Linda said they would be fine and would probably be home tomorrow.
Ryan wanted to hear stories about Uncle Lane; he thought he was funny. Chase complied, recalling the time he was in the shower at age nine and his brother somehow managed to unlock the bathroom door, remove all of his clothes and the towels, and quietly exit. The next sound Lane heard came from his brother screaming at the top of his lungs for help. The children giggled.
Then one day, Lane convinced Frank that the two of them should take Chase to the woods and desert him. Lane thought this was hysterical, though he never heard the end of it from their mother.
“Tell us more, Daddy!” Ryan cried. After a few more stories, Chase and Linda tucked the children in, leaving the bedroom door open. Chase called the hospital to check on Frank and Allie. They would be staying the night. The doctor would see them in the morning.
He and Linda appreciated the comfort of the sheets and blankets as they crawled into bed. Chase lay quietly for a while, agonizing over the sudden and painful losses, uncertain of their implications. Could there be some malevolent entity in space that held a grudge against him and his family? Was there an infernal plot to destroy those closest to him? Or could there be an inexorable purpose that had evaded his awareness and understanding? He peeked over at Linda, already drifting off, and whispered. “Linda, you still awake?”
“Sort of,” she answered groggily.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve been thinking about how eerie these past few months have been. I just don’t get it. Is there a deeper message out there we’re supposed to figure out? Could someone—not God of course—could someone or something be against us? Or is it just one of those things?”
“I have no idea. I guess it’s just one of those things, tragic as it all is.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Chase’s eyes welled up, and his tears fell onto his pillow. “I can’t believe this happened. There was no couple on earth like Lane and Kathy. Outside of you and the kids and Frank and Allie, they were the only family I have. How do you process moments like this?”
Linda turned to see his tears freely flowing. “Hon’, I’m sorry.” She gently wiped his cheeks. “I just don’t know the answers. Horrible events are sometimes impossible to understand.”
“So what are we going to do?”
“As far as what?”
“As far as looking at the house and traveling around the East Coast. I can’t see us continuing our plans after tonight.”
“I agree. I’m actually thinking we need to move here.”
“What?” He raised himself on his elbow, brushing away the tears from his eyes. “Really?”
“Frank and Allie are going to need us. They have no one, Chase. I can’t imagine going on with our lives and leaving them here alone.”
“Well, maybe you’re
right. I’m not certain what to do at this point.”
“Why don’t we go see the house and call it our own? Perhaps that’ll distract the children enough. Maybe us as well.”
“I doubt that, but let’s talk about it in the morning. I’m drained.” He rolled over to kiss her. “Thanks for being here for me. I need you, Linda.”
“That is so good to hear you say, hon’. You really have changed.”
“I don’t feel all that changed anymore.”
“It’ll all come back. I understand how you feel, though.”
He wondered if she did.
Released the next morning, neither Frank nor Allie suffered injuries of major concern, Frank a few bruises and neck strains, Allie some back pains that would require several months of physical therapy. The family buried Lane and Kathy a few days later in two plots next to Chase’s mom, same priest, same message. Lane and Kathy’s two boys flew out, but what could anyone say in a situation like this? Chase had no idea. He left it to Allie to find the right words.
Chase showed his family the house. With just a little more than a week left before the return flight, Linda quickly tackled the organizational challenges, deciding where each piece of furniture would go and what they might need to purchase. Amy and Ryan agreed on their rooms. They were a bit smaller than what the children had now, but Linda’s creativity allowed them to keep their beds and dressers and all their belongings without having to jettison anything. The elementary school was within walking distance, and the four strolled over one day to speak to an administrator about the school year that would begin in September. Extremely friendly, he welcomed the children to their new school and promised to introduce them to their teachers.
The rest of the details appeared relatively easy: fly home, place their house on the market, sell one of their cars and some unnecessary furnishings, say good-bye to a few friends and coworkers, and pack up their remaining belongings into a large moving truck. Chase would drive the truck back with Linda and the kids following in the BMW.
Chase wanted to explore the possibility of working in New York for the chemical company, an idea he needed to discuss with the owners. He calculated that the family’s monthly expenses without a mortgage payment might allow Linda the luxury of not having to work. And should his plans fail to materialize, the equity on their home in Glendora had grown to the point that they would have enough money to live for quite some time.
On the day before their departure to California, Chase told Linda he needed to take a walk. A warm morning sun greeted him as he stepped into the street. He heard the chirping of birds competing for positions on the telephone wire above. Wispy clouds adorned the sky, floating by in the gentle breeze. Kicking a rock to the other side of the street, Chase forced himself to focus on what he had been processing for the last several days.
Perhaps everything was a nightmarish illusion, he thought; perhaps each vision merely his mind’s way of coping with stress and anxiety. After all, extreme marital issues precipitated the initial vision, and he couldn’t be positive it took place the way he had related it. In fact, the web itself was quite possibly a lie. Though it appeared real, what he saw may have hidden an emotional breakdown of some sort. That must have led to the other experiences, which could certainly be attributed to the identical mental and emotional trouble of his—
Chase stopped himself. What was he thinking? He could not honestly deny the changes taking place in his life. Even others had noticed. His thoughts turn toward Lane. Was that it? Had Lane’s tragic death left him conflicted, torn between anger and peace, resentment and satisfaction, confusion and resolution? He didn’t know. The event certainly brought nothing new to the table. Or perhaps it did. Could it be that the finality of death exposed a skewed perception of his visions, that it awakened him from an unreal dream and stopped him from chasing after an unattainable mirage? And if so, how could he pretend to move forward based on what might indeed be illusions or, even worse, fraudulent experiences?
On the other hand, maybe his situation mirrored the encouragement he provided to salespeople throughout the country. Surely if he had the ability to shore them up whenever they struggled, he should be able to find a way to fight through his own difficulties.
Chase found himself at the park where two older men sat with a checkerboard between them. He had never played and thought it may be a nice way to distract himself from his thoughts. “You gentlemen mind if I watch awhile?” he asked, approaching.
“Not at all,” said the one wearing an old navy hat and a brightly colored jacket. “You play?”
“No. Just curious.”
“Well it’s easy. Two sides, simple moves, short games.”
“No, Harry, it’s not that easy,” insisted the balding man with glasses sitting across from him. “There happen to be a lot of strategies involved. Why don’t you let me teach you, son?”
“No way, Carl. It’s better if I teach him. I can make it much more understandable.”
“Who wins most of our matches?”
Harry rolled his eyes.
“Listen,” Chase interjected, “why don’t you just go ahead with your game, and I’ll watch. You can both tell me the rules and the strategy as it progresses.”
“Sure, okay,” Carl said with a condescending look at Harry. “What’s your name, son?”
“Chase. Chase Macklin.”
The two turned in unison, Carl wearing a deeply furrowed brow. “Macklin, you say? Not Bobby Macklin’s son?”
“Well, yeah. I’m the youngest. You knew him?”
“Knew him! I’ll say we did. Went drinkin’ with him in the old days. Never could keep up with him, though. Boy, that guy could drink!”
“I know,” Chase responded dryly.
“Whatever happened to your dad?”
“He died a short time ago.”
“Oh, that’s a shame.”
“I’m sorry,” Harry added.
“No, that’s okay,” Chase said, almost cheerfully. “He left his family years ago and we never saw him after that.”
“Yeah, we know,” Carl said, looking absentmindedly at the board. “He was a nice guy, though, always telling jokes, making everybody laugh.”
“He talked a lot about his sons, three if I remember,” Harry said to no one in particular, looking up at the sky.
“Yeah, there were three of us.” Chase’s use of the past tense startled him. “I’m sorry but I need to go,” he announced impetuously, starting to walk away.
Carl, face painted with disappointment, pleadingly called out to him, “You don’t want to learn the game?”
“Maybe later,” he hollered back. “Nice to meet you.”
“Well it’s been a pleasure meeting a Macklin boy! Hang in there! Your move, Harry.”
Chase hurried back to Frank’s house, frustrated with his inability to dismiss the anger he felt toward his father and baffled by the enigma of Lane’s death. He decided to set aside his feelings and his mental torment for the time being.
CHAPTER 21
If only he had stopped at the light! Everything would have been different with Lane still alive. No wavering. No doubts regarding his personal resurrection. No taunting thoughts of throwing it all way.
After being home for a few days, Chase sat outside on the patio swing on a warm summer evening, cigar in one hand, beer in the other. Looking up at a full moon, along with a lone star announcing the approach of darkness, he ruminated upon all the events since April and wondered if he were the only one who wrestled with mental conflicts. He felt compelled to return to the night it all began with his vision of the spider web and those first lies exposed. Chase knew that he must deal with his questions about reality, so he started with the lies since they seemed more tangible.
Prior to Lane’s death, Chase had understood their progressive nature, how a person like himself, so emotionall
y vulnerable since childhood, came into agreement with mostly untrue ideas about himself, subtle notions, easy to accept. Once he agreed with those personal assessments, other lies followed, building layer upon layer of self-deception. The behavior this encouraged confirmed what he believed about himself.
Once he came into full agreement with the many layers of lies, he unknowingly entered into a dysfunctional attachment to their power. The lies actually became him. Completely unable to separate himself from them, and lacking the ability to pull his true self away from the lies, Chase was fully enmeshed in a sticky web. Truth, declaring itself in various ways over the years, would simply cause him to tell himself, Well that may be true, but it’s not me.
Chase now realized that as long as one is trapped in a vicious web of personal lies, truth struggles to unravel them since one’s attachment to the lies become so strong. Truth, in fact, becomes foreign to the ears, unable to break through what is familiar and has dominated one’s thought life.
Relighting his cigar and sitting back with a few reflective puffs, Chase felt better for acquiring a more realistic view of his recent experiences. He concluded that these events must involve a wickedly intense battle for his soul.
Chase looked out upon the unkempt yard and again thought of Lane. Suddenly deep sobs exploded from within him. Unable to control them, he held his face, tears streaming through his fingers. Tossing his cigar onto the concrete, he allowed himself, perhaps for the first time, to feel the anguish of loss.
“I’m so sorry, Lane,” he said half aloud. “I’m so sorry, Kathy. It’ll be so good see you again in heaven.”
Though uncertain of that reality, he felt right about expressing his desire. Removing his hands from his face, Chase let the tears remain. For some reason he had a sense of serenity for the first time in weeks.
Chase’s thoughts returned to his lies when he envisioned an old European castle. Could it be, he wondered, that when you come into agreement with lies, they’re like an impregnable fortress over your mind, your emotions, your actions, and your lifestyle? And if that’s so, then for truth to enter and to take residence, the fortress must be destroyed.
Broken Lies Page 17
