Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

  That had been a standing joke of his. Taking me in his arms and slapping me so damned hard my back would throb for a few minutes afterwards. If I complained that he’d hurt me, he’d punch me in the arm and tell me to ‘take it like a man.’

  I smiled as the images rolled through my head in a kaleidoscope of memories. I’m not sure why he liked to joke about being men, big tough, burly men as he’d say. Whether it had been because he was gay and he’d felt the need to try and hide it or make fun of his own sexuality, I don’t know.

  He never did explain it, although I’d asked the question of him several times. It had always been the same: laugh it off, and distract me by changing the subject. I pulled up outside the sprawling country home, killing the Land Cruiser’s engine; my thoughts still on Adam.

  He’d been so determined for me to live the life I wanted and not waste it, especially after the accident; and perhaps I’d allowed myself to become too distracted by listening to him and making the start to living my life the way I wanted to, to notice how unhappy he really was. I’d been so fucking determined to deal with the last of my clients, running around after them, clearing the way to do as my brother suggested and go with the sea change, that I’d failed to really see what was going on with him.

  If I’d only known. If I’d only paid attention to the little signs that of course I could see now, but I couldn’t see then. If I’d seen them, if I’d really noticed, if I hadn’t ignored his last calls and pleas to come and see him, I might have been able to save him, to stop him taking his own life. I could have saved him. I could have prevented it. He was dead because of me.

  Chapter One

  Present Day

  “So have you heard the old Jackson house sold, Mr Bailey?” The pimply-faced youth serving me asked. What was his name again? Ben? Toby? No, that wasn’t it. Thomas, it was Thomas.

  This was a small town and although I avoided the locals as much as possible, it would probably be considered the cardinal sin if I forgot someone’s name, including Thomas who worked in the small convenience store.

  “Yeah, I saw the sold sign go up a few weeks ago,” I replied. “I thought I told you my name was Theo?” I raised my eyes to his heavily acne scarred face and saw him blush under my intense stare.

  “Sorry Mr B- I mean, Theo.” He replied, loading my few groceries into bags. “Talk is it’s someone from the mainland; someone who works with animals, although I’m not sure what they do with them.”

  I tried not to let the laugh in me bubble up when my first thought was to ask if they performed experiments on them, or perhaps it was a bestiality thing. Clearing my throat, I handed the money over to Thomas and, after a couple more meaningless exchanges of small talk, I left the store and headed out to my Land Cruiser.

  There was a four-wheel drive ute parked in front of me with a horse float on the back and as I neared it, wondering if I had enough room to get out of my parking space, I noticed a pair of long, jean-clad legs leaning in through the vehicle’s passenger door.

  My steps slowed as I walked, my eyes on those legs, my gaze travelling up to a curvy ass showcased to perfection by the tight denim, and a small expanse of smooth skin that showed between the waistband of the jeans and the top the woman wore.

  For the first time in as long as I could remember, something stirred in me; a tiny spark flickered to life. I slowed down even more but I’d already slowed my pace so much I was nearly standing still, willing the woman leaning into her car to stand up and turn around, to see if the rest of her looked as good as what I could see so far.

  When the loud, excitable barking of a dog sounded right near my head, I jumped so violently from the shock of it that I felt muscles out of touch at being used like that protest at the abrupt movement.

  My head shot towards the sound and it was then that I realised there was some huge monstrosity bawling at me from the back of the ute, copious quantities of drool hanging from its jaw like the creature from the movie Alien.

  I backed up, eyeing off the largest dog I think I’d ever seen in an attempt to not be either bitten or covered in the drool, and missed that I was actually stepping back onto a section of pathway that was uneven. My weaker leg protested, pain lancing up the length of it, and I stumbled. Desperately trying to right myself, arms flailing wildly, I tried to avoid the inevitable and failed.

  Groaning when I ended up on the ground, my damaged leg buckled beneath me, grocery bags dropped and contents scattered, I twisted my body, trying to find something I could lean on to help get back on my feet.

  “Oh my god; are you alright?” I heard someone ask and I turned my head, drawn towards the sweetest sounding voice.

  My gaze travelled over dusty boots to slim, denim covered legs, a tiny waist and generous breasts, and finally met the concern I could see in the brightest blue eyes looking down at me.

  Long lashes framed them, making them appear even brighter. A plump lower lip was being ravaged by a set of perfect white teeth, and auburn coloured hair swung loose, free of any kind of restrictions.

  A delicate hand with long, slim fingers reached for me and I ignored it as I continued to stare into those captivating eyes.

  “Let me help you up.” She shoved her hand at me again. I felt my jaw set into a stubborn line and she grinned. “Aw come on. Don’t go getting all bent out of shape and thinking that male ego of yours has a big old dent in it now. I appear to be the only one who has seen you land on your ass and, I promise, your secret’s safe with me.”

  Sighing because this stranger had summed me up in one glance, I shot her my best glowering look and lifted a hand to take hers. She braced herself, yanking back hard, her grip surprisingly firm on mine. I tucked my protesting leg under me, ignoring the pain, and as she pulled I used my leg to push up until she’d dragged me onto my feet. Clearly, despite her slim frame, she was remarkably strong.

  Pain shot down my leg and I gasped, sweat breaking out on my body. I needed to get out of here and hide myself back in my home where I could load up on pain killers and try to forget this embarrassing moment.

  “Thank you.” I ground out, my teeth clenched tightly together.

  “You’re welcome. I’m sorry about Tiny, too. He just gets so excited when he sees new people.” She smiled, her face lighting up momentarily before a frown crossed her features. “You’re hurt though. Did this big buffoon make you injure yourself?”

  “No, he just surprised me. I…my leg…it was already hurt.” I told her, wondering why I was revealing that much even to a total stranger. “I should go.” I reached down to start gathering my fallen groceries and the woman hurried forward, also bending down to assist me. She was close enough that I could smell a subtle floral fragrance that surrounded her and I breathed it in like some desperate coke snorting addict.

  What the hell was wrong with me? I was acting like a damned adolescent over this woman with the dog that doubled as a horse and alien combo.

  When my groceries were back in their bags, I took the few steps to my car and unlocked it, placing them inside before turning to the woman who had followed me to it.

  She stuck her hand out in front at me. “I’m Autumn Payne.” Her other hand rose to flick her hair. “No surprise really why I got that name.” She grinned. “I’m new to the area. I just bought the house I’ve heard used to belong to the Jackson’s. I guess they were well known here?”

  Reluctantly, I took her hand, feeling sparks of something gravitate out from where our skin touched. She was too beautiful and I didn’t need the distraction. Even now I could barely keep my eyes off her lips or breasts. I was drowning in those eyes of hers. I’d never seen ones so blue before.

  We shook hands, the hand shake going on too long. I knew that, but I couldn’t seem to make myself let her go. The warmth of her touch was rising, searing a path up my arm and down into my chest, making my closed-off cold heart give a few erratic beats. That was until her final words penetrated my brain. The Jackson house. She’d bought the Jackso
n house. Fuck, she was my neighbour. This stunning woman with the drooling monster was my new neighbour. I seriously didn’t need this kind of distraction. I wasn’t interested in exchanging cups of sugar and being all fucking neighbourly. I had to get the hell out of here and give this woman a wide birth.

  I’d moved to Tasmania for the solitude. I’d moved to escape the shit that still haunted me despite trying to distance myself from it. I wasn’t interested in making friendships here or being paired up with someone, since half the locals thought that all I needed to snap me out of my anti-social ways was the love of a good woman. But, most of all, I had no interest in getting to know my new neighbour, no matter how beautiful she was or that she was causing my dick, which had slept so long, to stir in my pants.

  “Theo.” I muttered my name, dropping her hand and turning back to my car. “I have to go. Thanks for the help.” I shot her a final look before climbing into the driver’s seat.

  As I started the engine and pulled out from behind her ute and horse float, I saw her surprised expression in the mirror before she shrugged and turned back to her own car.

  Now I knew she was going to be living next door to me, it was even more important that I maintained my hermit status and, if anything, become even more of a recluse - if that were possible. No matter how attractive my new neighbour was, I had no interest in getting to know her. I just hoped that no one bothered to inform her that we were neighbours because she looked like a complication I didn’t need or want.

  Chapter Two

  Two weeks. I’d managed to go two weeks so far without my new neighbour dropping by to see me. Maybe I’d been lucky and no one had told her we were neighbours yet? Miracles probably fucking happened for some. They didn’t normally happen to me though; Adam was proof of that. I snorted to myself. I could almost hear his voice in my head reminding me that I was a walking, talking miracle. I’d survived the accident that should have killed me.

  I rubbed at my aching leg, lifting it up to the foot stool to ease the pain as I sat on my front verandah admiring the peace and tranquillity. The pain killers were kicking in and when they did, they always clouded my brain, making it harder to think, to concentrate on my work. I would just close my eyes for a moment and rest. Just a moment, that’s all…

  It was the feel of something warm and wet dripping onto my cheek that dragged me from my sleep. I twisted my head from side to side, reluctant to fully waken. Sleep was so hard for me unless it was the pain tablets letting me sleep. When I did manage to get some, I resented anything that brought me awake again. Being awake brought it all back; the guilt, the anger and the pain.

  Again something hit my cheek and this time I realised there was a gusting sound by my ear strong enough to blow warm, humid air against my cheek; air that wasn’t all together pleasant to be breathing in.

  My eyes snapped open and met curious brown ones that were literally just inches from mine. I blinked, staring into them, but before I could react in any way, a large pink thing rolled its way out of what could only be described as the jaws of death and licked its way up my face from chin to forehead.

  “Ugh.” I lunged back, rubbing hands over my face in a futile effort to remove the copious quantities of mucus and spit but this was going to take something bigger and more absorbent than my hands.

  “Tiny…Tiny…” I heard the lyrical sweetness of that voice, the voice that had haunted me in my sleep for the last couple of weeks. “Tiny…oh, there you are.” The voice was closer. “Oh my god, Theo? Tiny, what have you done?” I looked up in time to see hands dragging the monstrous dog away from me by his collar.

  I scrambled into a more upright position once the slobbering, drooling hound from hell had been removed and was now sitting by Autumn’s side, tongue hanging out, mucus dripping steadily onto the aged grey wood of my verandah.

  Forgetting about my leg for a moment and the fact that it was never wise to throw all my weight on it immediately, I climbed to my feet, needing some height over the grey beast who sat watching me with those steady brown eyes.

  “Jesus, can’t you put a leash on that thing?” I snapped, dragging my t-shirt up to wipe over my face in a desperate effort to remove the last of the dog spit from my skin.

  I glared at the silent woman but she wasn’t looking at me, well, not my face anyway. Her eyes were on the section of torso I’d uncovered while using my clothes as a wash cloth.

  Hastily, I dropped it back down but I knew the moment I met her eyes, which had finally lifted to my face, that she’d seen the network of scars that covered parts of my lower stomach. Scars that had left the skin puckered and reddened, like angry furrows that were a constant reminder of what I’d survived: the miracle Adam had insisted I take as a sign to change my life; to not be a slave to work and to earning money. The change he insisted would give me a chance to ‘live life to the fullest,’ as he put it.

  I’d done it. I’d done as he suggested; but the cruel irony of it was he’d taken his life just six weeks before I’d finalised the sale of my business, my home and everything that had been part of that life he’d begged me to give up, and the worst part of it was: I didn’t know why. Why had he insisted I take my second chance at life and live it the way he wanted me to live it if, at the end of the day, he’d had no intentions of being a part of it, to see it all come to fruition? It was just one question of many I would never have an answer to.

  Not even our parents could give me the answers I’d wanted. They’d been devastated by Adam’s suicide. It had been awful in those days and weeks afterwards.

  They had decided to be advocates for the new lifestyles and second chances, same as Adam, and they’d gone off on a working tour, travelling the world. Earning enough to keep them fed and clothed. Living a simple life except for the nest egg they had in the bank from the sale of their property; the nest egg that they only tapped into if jobs proved harder to find.

  They’d been gone for two years and, once they were back in Australia, they’d discovered they were no longer happy to be settled in one location and had decided the grey nomads’ existence was for them. They’d purchased a motorhome and were determined to explore every available inch of this country along the way.

  Still, Tasmania hadn’t been on their list of ‘places to explore’ yet though. I suspected that was partially to do with me. I was a constant reminder of what they’d lost when they looked at me.

  Although we weren’t twins, Adam and I had looked remarkably similar - enough to fool a lot of people when we’d been younger. We’d both had the same hair that was almost black it was so dark. Adam had worn his shorter on the back and sides but longer on top so it flopped over his brow which he’d laughingly told me made the girls go crazy for him. That was a standing joke for him too: that women wanted him but he was gay and only loved men. Many women had tried to convert him, thinking it was as simple as that, or that he might be bisexual, but Adam had no attraction to women at all, much to the disappointment of many.

  We’d both had green eyes but mine were more a bright emerald green whereas his had been moss green. If I’d looked closer, I could see the hazel highlights in them and, under different lighting, they’d appeared green or sometimes a light brown, and smiling. Always smiling.

  I wore my hair longer these days, enough that the ends just brushed my shoulders. It had that constant messy look to it as if I’d been running my hands through it. Usually I had been but, mostly, it was just neglect. I had little interest in doing anything to improve my appearance. I didn’t go anywhere. I had no friends or a girlfriend; so why bother? Samson, my elderly Siamese cat, had no concern over how I looked at all and he was the only living thing I spent any real time with since I’d moved here not long after Adam’s death.

  “Theo, are you alright?” That lyrical voice asked and I started, having forgotten she was here while my mind had been drifting back to a time when I’d still had a brother. “I’m sorry about Tiny but he won’t hurt you. The big old mutt loves everyon
e. He’s just a little enthusiastic about showing that adoration.”

  “The damn thing drooled all over me. I don’t appreciate having animals on my land that aren’t mine. I suggest you keep him on a leash from now on,” I snapped.

  Autumn’s expression changed. The smile wiped from her face with my words and was replaced with growing anger. “I’m sorry alright? I didn’t intend coming onto your land but I was walking Tiny and he got on the trail of something. He’s a dog in the bush. They do shit like that. I ran after him but I couldn’t catch up to him. I’m sorry that my dog found you and showed his affection for you by slobbering all over you. He tends to do that.” She turned away, hauling the oversized dog after her, perhaps a little more aggressively than she normally might. “I didn’t mean to trespass. Have a nice day.” She spat the last words out at me in such a way that I knew there was no sincerity behind them.