Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

  I’d barely had time for anything other than work before my accident. I didn’t have time for relationships so when I wanted sex, I had a couple of women who worked in corporate positions that I could call on. Like me, free time was something in short supply and, when it came to sex, it paid to have women who felt the same as me. Come together when we needed an itch scratched. No ties, no expectations, no romance, no broken hearts. The perfect situation.

  Adam had given me a hard time about it. He was an incurable romantic whereas I was the realist of the two. He was a freelance photographer and lived life as if every day was his last. He was brilliant at what he did but he never worked more than he had to. He worked to pay the bills and to have what he needed in life; that was all. He had no ambition for great wealth or the material things in life.

  We’d been polar opposites when it came to what we’d wanted in life but we’d been close, really close. He’d dropped everything to help care for me following the accident and the time spent together with him had made us even closer. Nothing quite like having your brother bathe you and wipe your ass for you to really strengthen that bond.

  He’d wanted everything for me and I thought I’d been supportive. I certainly had been far more supportive when he’d come out about his sexual orientation. More so than our parents who had been quick to voice their disapproval. Dad was old school and had been brought up to believe that there was only one kind of love; the love between a man and a woman. Certainly the love between a woman and a woman or a man and a man was frowned upon.

  He’d come around eventually, they both had, and I was always thankful for that. If he’d died before knowing how much they loved him, it would have been a tragedy on top of a tragedy.

  The biggest tragedy of all was that I’d been too caught up in my own shit to see something wasn’t right with my brother. He was always happy, smiling, quick to help others, and he’d certainly been all that to me. Work had been my escape after the accident; a way to deal with the damage done to my body and the fact that I was looked upon by women as an object of pity. I worked harder, longer hours, anything to keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t dwell on what I’d lost.

  Adam had been disgusted with me and my sheer determination to work myself into the ground. After his talk he’d finally gotten through to me and so I’d done as he suggested and started making the changes to improve my life, hoping too that he would join me in my new adventure.

  If I hadn’t been so caught up in selling my business and home, finding a new place to live - doing the so called ‘sea change’ to have that better life without the stress and hectic pace - I might have noticed something was off with Adam. If I hadn’t let the preparations for my new life consume all my time and focus, I would have listened to him more. I would have gone to him when he’d contacted me numerous times to catch up. I would have been there for him instead of cancelling arrangements on him several times because I had other things to do. Things I put ahead of my own brother.

  I couldn’t be there for him when he’d clearly needed me and it was because I was too caught up in my own shit, too selfish and self-centred. I’d figured there would always be tomorrow until that day when I found him in his apartment, dead from an overdose, and I’d known tomorrow would never come.

  I’d had to look at the lifeless body of my beloved baby brother and see him covered in his own vomit. His eyes wide open as if he’d been startled. His lips blue, his skin grey and those eyes, the eyes that had sparkled with such a love of life, had looked back at me, dead, empty, staring at nothing. That spark was gone, the life gone, the love gone. He was gone and I might have been able to do something had I not been the selfish asshole who had put everything else before him.

  A deep meow snapped me out of my pity party and I looked down into the upturned face of my pensioner Siamese cat Samson.

  He looked at me and then his bowl, and I knew he was trying to tell me - no, more like demanding - I replace his food with something more to his liking.

  “That’s all you’re getting. Deal with it.” I told him, stepping past him to head out onto my verandah. As I walked past him he swung a claw at my ankle and I cursed when he broke the skin. “Fuck you, you are such an asshole.” I snapped, hobbling away from him before the bastard could have another go. “Glue factory buddy, glue factory!” I yelled, picking up my laptop and limping to the door.

  It was my standard rolled out response to Samson’s claws. We had a mutual understanding of one another. He ruled the house; I told him I was the boss but I still mostly did as he expected of me. If I got it wrong or he was displeased with me he’d let me know by either teeth or claws. I put up with his shit because he was old. He was fifteen years old and couldn’t live forever, right? Although the little prick would probably do that, just to spite me.

  I settled into my favourite seat out on the verandah and opened my laptop. These days I lived a life of leisure, making money for myself without even having to leave home. Adam had wanted me to find a lifestyle that freed up my time and gave me a chance to do as he said; ‘Smell the proverbial roses.’ I’d always been good at making money for others so I decided to turn my hobby into my career and I’d become highly successful at following the stock market.

  I’d started small; investing modest amounts of money into shares and, as time passed, I realised I had a knack for working out which shares to buy that stood a chance of making me money and when to sell to make a profit.

  When I’d sold my apartment in Sydney and bought the property in Tasmania, I’d been able to buy it outright. The house had needed some work and had all been fully renovated, some of which I’d done myself - although my leg restricted how much I could do.

  After living in a luxury apartment, surrounded by people, this life was the complete opposite. The four-bedroom home was set on fifteen acres, so I had enough land to give me a buffer from immediate neighbours but not so much that it would require constant maintenance.

  I didn’t have animals besides my cranky old Siamese cat so the paddocks were grown out, and one of my other neighbours cut and bailed hay from it. It saved me having to worry about it and it supplied some much needed hay for him to feed his stock over the harsh winter months. It brought in a modest, although seasonal, income but I really didn’t care about the money from the hay. I didn’t need it; so I fed it back into charities along with regular payments from the money I made from the stock market.

  It was all for Adam. I hadn’t been able to save him but I hoped that others could be saved, so I supported several charities related to mental health and suicide prevention.

  For the next couple of hours I bought and sold shares, making myself more money that I really didn’t need. When the pain in my leg reminded me that it was time for my pain medication, I set my laptop down and hobbled in to dose myself up.

  Back out on the verandah, I stared out at the view before me. My home was in a valley with its own river that meandered along through one corner of it. Trees surrounded the house, although not close enough to cause a problem with bushfires or falling on the house during the powerful winds Tasmania was known for.

  It gave me a beautiful, tranquil setting, private and protected before the rest of the property opened up to four sprawling paddocks, divided off with solid post and rail fencing.

  I loved my home but it was still a sad and constant reminder of Adam. He’d approved of this place when I'd brought him with me to look for something to buy. I’d bought it with him in mind because he’d raved about the photographic possibilities. Tasmania had always been the state I’d dreamed of retiring in and, with his encouragement, retirement had come earlier than expected. The only problem was; the joy it should have brought me was dampened by my brother’s suicide and my failure to see that something was wrong.

  Sighing, I leaned back in my chair, the familiar fatigue settling in that the medication caused me. I was like an old man needing to nap, and I could hear Adam’s voice in my head teasing me about how it was almost
time for my pipe and slippers now I was like an old Grandpa.

  At some point, when I was almost asleep, I felt something and opened my eyes enough to see that Samson had jumped up and was settling himself on my lap. Damn cat. Hated me most of the time but didn’t mind a little male bonding or to use me as a bed when it suited him. Closing my eyes again I stroked his smooth fur just once so I wouldn’t piss him off and get clawed and, with a deep sigh, I let myself be claimed by sleep.

  Violent hissing, followed by the agony of needle like claws sinking into my thighs, woke me with a start. Bellowing in agony I flinched, my arms and legs flailing about, causing a different kind of agony in my thigh as it protested at my sudden movements.

  I opened my eyes to meet deep brown ones and, as the fog of sleep began to clear, I had that awful feeling of deja vu all over again. Before I could shove the great slobbering beast off me, twin rivers of drool spilled from his loose lips and dripped onto my leg.

  I cursed, pushing my hands into the massive framework of bone, skin and hair, finally removing the incredible hulk of a dog from my lap just in time to hear a chorus of growls and hisses start up near my ear, and a sharp claw sliced into it with remarkable precision.

  “Fucking hell!” I yelled, leaping up, one hand cradling my ear as blood began to pour from the multiple wounds. The great beast Tiny was either concerned for my welfare or had teamed up with Samson to plot my demise because he reared up, bracing his front paws on my shoulders, and I staggered under the sudden weight of a dog that clearly doubled as a small horse.

  As I lost my balance and stumbled backwards, I somehow managed to turn, banging my shin against the low table my laptop sat on. With Tiny still in my arms, paws on my shoulders, he followed me into what probably looked like some poorly choreographed ballroom dance.

  I just had time to curse my new neighbour and her damn dog before my weak leg gave up the battle, and I went down in an undignified tangle of arms, legs and large dog.

  As the pain exploded through my thigh, I heard the distant, melodic tone of that voice calling out and realised she was not calling my name or the slobbering beast’s name either. The slobbering beast obviously felt I needed watching over and sat next to me, so close I had nowhere to go to avoid the copious quantities of saliva that poured from that dog in an endless stream. What on earth did Autumn see in the mutt? A person could drown if they were around him too long.

  I heard Autumn’s voice drawing nearer and I pushed at the great lumbering oaf so I could try and get up, not wanting to be seen on my ass again. It was the ultimate in humiliation that I’d fallen in front of her twice already. After the way I’d treated her the last time I’d seen her, there was no way I wanted her to find me on my ass again. If she was still angry with me she’d probably take advantage of the situation and kick me in the balls or something. The fact that I probably deserved it didn’t make me anymore receptive to the idea of just lying there and giving her easy access.

  “NANNY…POPPY…” I heard the names called out in that sweet voice of Autumn’s. I groaned; not only from the pain of my throbbing thigh and stinging ear but, if she was calling a couple of names, that could only mean more animals on the loose - presumably in my yard.

  I heard more hissing nearby and turned my head to find Samson looking agitated. His fur stood on end, his eyes wild and he clearly wasn’t at all happy with the current situation. I snorted to myself. ‘Yeah, you and me both buddy,’ I thought.

  Another angry burst of hissing came from Samson which certainly got my attention but the only problem was: his hissing also drew the attention of Tiny and his ears shot up, his droopy looking eyes widening the most I’d ever seen them open and he gave a deep woof, immediately losing interest in me and clambering over the top of me to leap at my terrified elderly cat.

  I cried out when one of his large paws landed right between my legs, bringing tears to my eyes. Just like that, all other pain was forgotten as one well-aimed rear paw, from a dog that had to weigh as much as a small pony, crushed my balls and probably removed all possibility of me ever being able to father children - should I want to.

  I yelled in pain again, my voice a higher octave which was no surprise really, given I’d nearly been castrated. My hands shot to my crouch, cupping my poor family jewels as delicately as I could, and it was in that very position that Autumn found me just seconds later.

  “Tiny, what the hell do you think you’re doing? Leave the cat alone.” Her voice was stern as she ordered her dog off my cat. “How many times have I told you not to break out of…” Her voice trailed off and I realised at that point that she’d finally noticed me lying in a tangle between my chair and the table, covered in drool, pools of it around me, blood running from my ear, down my face and onto my shoulder, and half sitting, half lying, clutching between my legs with tears running down my face.

  Through my tears I saw her rush to me, dropping to her knees by my side. “Oh my god Theo, what happened? Are you alright?” She shook her head. “No of course you’re not alright. Can you get up? Do you need some help?” She fired off the questions as rapidly as a machine gun fired bullets and I could do little more than open my mouth, trying to find an opportunity to answer at least one of them. Finally, her expression hardened. “I’m sorry about Tiny. He keeps finding ways out of my yard but this time he brought a couple of partners in crime. I’m looking for them. I’ll get out of your hair as quickly as possible. I know you don’t want anyone bothering you.” A glimpse of what looked like pain flashed in her eyes before it was gone and she just looked mad again. I felt a stab of guilt when I saw her expression. I’d been such an ass to her the last time I’d seen her, it was right that I should feel bad about it. Despite the way I’d treated her, I wasn’t really a completely heartless prick. I hadn’t been like that years ago.

  Circumstances and my ingrained need to protect myself from being hurt had not exactly turned me into an asshole, but I’d found it better to push people away and not let anyone get close. It stopped me being hurt; but down deep inside I knew it was also the coward’s way out too. That was probably the reason I flinched from the coldness that I could see in Autumn’s eyes as she stared at me. I deserved it. I’d treated her like crap. So why did it make me feel bad to be on the receiving end of her anger when I’d brought it all down on myself?

  Chapter Eight

  Determined not to let her see how the coldness in her eyes affected me, I turned on her, verbally attacking her to cover my true feelings.

  I don’t know how he can find ways out of your yard. It’s not like he’s a Chihuahua or something. He’d need a whole section of fence to be missing to get out. Damn dog is so big he probably just stepped over the fence. Had she made sure it was high enough to keep the massive brute in her yard?” For some reason those were my first thoughts and I didn’t realise I’d spoken out aloud until I saw a defensive look cross her face, followed immediately by anger.

  “Are you calling me a liar?” She snapped, leaving me lying on the wooden deck and climbing to her feet.

  Having her standing over me like that felt strangely intimidating. Probably because I was vulnerable to getting that kick to the balls if I pissed her off much more than I already had.

  “No, that wasn’t what I meant. I’m not calling you a liar, I just…” I stopped, searching for the right words, and ones that wouldn’t anger her more than she already was given she still stood over me, my already damaged balls vulnerable to her foot that was only inches from my exposed groin. “It was more curiosity than an accusation, ok? Look at the size of him. How on earth does he worm his way out of anywhere? What is he? Houdini?”

  Autumn’s body visibly sagged and she sighed before shoving her hair back off her face. “I don’t know how he does it. I swear I don’t send him here to piss you off. It’s a big yard though and I have some of my other pets in the house yard to act as lawn mowers. The trouble is, either this time they saw where he got out and followed him, or he took on the role o
f Steve McQueen like a remake of The Great Escape and he helped them; partners in bloody crime perhaps.”

  She stared down at me and I looked up at her, both of us silent for a moment. God she was beautiful. The longer I looked at her, the more I felt bad for how I’d treated her last time she was here.

  She shook her head slightly as if to clear her thoughts and her expression changed. “Bloody hell, are you alright? You’re bleeding and what on earth are you doing on the ground anyway?”

  “Your…Tiny did this.” I said, trying to keep my voice calm and not let her see how much of a pain in the ass I considered her dog to be. “I was resting and I woke up to him drooling all over me.” I held out my t-shirt to show her the wet patches. “He scared my cat, who just happens to hate me, so he chose to voice his displeasure over your dog frightening him by ripping into me, as he tends to do.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “When Tiny saw my cat he walked all over me in a valiant effort to get to him and, due to a poorly positioned paw, I was in too much pain to get up and that’s how you found me.”