by Anthology
In Adam’s hand writing it said: ‘Andrea Bailey. The woman I am, the real me. My family can never know that this is who I long to be. They would never understand, they would never accept. R.I.P Adam Bailey.’
I read the words over and over again, until they blurred and I could no longer see them through the tears that had filled my eyes. Even as they fell, drenching my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt, I still stared at the words until I felt a hand take mine, carefully removing the photo from my fingers. As Autumn stared at the photo and read the words on the back which I knew would be forever engraved on my mind, I could no longer hold back my grief and despair for my brother, who had clearly decided death was a better alternative to revealing the fact he longed to be a woman. God, why? Why couldn’t he have told me? I wouldn’t have cared. He was my brother. My sibling. My blood. Hell, my sister - if that’s what he wanted. I just wanted him alive, no matter what name or sex he lived by.
“Oh Theo.” Autumn’s words were little more than a whisper before she reached for me and wrapped her arms around my waist, tucking her body into mine, clearly attempting to use all of herself to offer me comfort. I shivered as she held me, my body cold, chilled, shocked by this unexpected revelation.
“Why?” It was all I could say. The only word running through my head like a record stuck on repeat.
“I don’t know. He must have been driven near crazy with all this. Wanting to live his life as a woman but fearful of how your parents and you would see him. No wonder he suffered from depression. You never had a clue that anything like this was tearing him apart inside?”
“Fuck no. Why didn’t he say something? None of us flipped out when he revealed he was gay. Why would he think him wanting to be female would make a difference? I loved him and I would have loved him no matter what.” I could feel the shock wearing off as anger began to surge within me.
“This is such a big thing for someone Theo. I’ve heard a person can live for years hiding what they truly desire. They are in denial for a long time. Of course inside they know what they want, what they need to feel complete, to be whole, but I guess fear is a powerful thing. They fear the reaction from friends and family. I know that many suffer alone, reduced to dressing up in the privacy of their homes where no one can see them. It gives them that little bit of time to be who they truly are. I can’t imagine what your brother went through. This would have been an incredibly difficult thing for him. He’s probably lived years denying himself what he needed to be truly happy because he didn’t want to see a look of disapproval on yours or your parents’ faces.”
“I wouldn’t have felt like that.” I snapped.
“I know you wouldn’t.” Autumn soothed, rubbing a hand down my arm. “Adam didn’t know that. Or at least he didn’t trust enough that you wouldn’t abandon him so he opted for concealing it from you. Sadly it seems it all got too much for him and he took his life so he wouldn’t have to make that decision. I don’t know if that’s how he felt for sure of course but, bloody hell Theo, can you picture what it was like for him?”
Fresh tears welled up and began to trickle down my cheeks. “No, I can’t imagine what it was like. I’m sure my attempts to be in his shoes would fall well short of what it was really like. I just wish…” I stopped. “I just wish…he had come to me.” I let out a sound like a wounded animal. “Oh fuck, perhaps he was going to tell me and that’s why he’d wanted to meet up?”
“No.” Autumn’s hands came up to cup my cheeks, dragging my head down so she could push her face up close to mine. “No, you’re not going to think that. Your brother was deeply troubled with the conflict of being a woman stuck in a man’s body. Don’t you dare try to turn this around to make you responsible again. You’ll drive yourself crazy. There is no way in hell you can blame yourself. No one could have predicted this. Clearly Adam was not ready to reveal this to anyone or he wouldn’t have hidden this photo. Where did you get the framed photo from?”
“When my parents and I cleaned out Adam’s apartment we divided up his stuff. They took some photos and things of his they wanted to keep, and I took the rest. This was one of the photos they gave to me.” I gave a bitter sounding laugh. “Dad wanted me to have this one. Probably because Adam’s with his boyfriend and, although he’d become more accepting of Adam being gay, I’m guessing this photo makes it all a little bit too real, you know?”
“Do you think this boyfriend would have known about Adam wanting to be Andrea?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t even know where Jeff is anymore of course. I haven’t seen him in years.”
“There’s probably no point in trying to track him down anyway. It won’t change the outcome.” Autumn gave me a sad smile, reaching up to sweep her thumb across one of my cheeks, wiping away my tears before repeating the gesture across the other.
I took the photo back off her, staring down at it one more time before dropping it to the lounge with the frame and albums I’d intended to share with Autumn. Right now I was too shocked and devastated by this unexpected revelation to do anything but want comfort in the arms of this woman who was rapidly becoming an important addition to my life.
Pulling her into my arms I buried my nose in her hair, inhaling her now familiar scent of vanilla, flowers and that something else that was just her sweet smell.
My arms tightened around her, one lowering to her ass, dragging her as close to me as I could get her. Obviously she knew what I needed from her right now because she curled her arms around me, spreading her legs enough that I could slip one thigh between hers, bringing our bodies as close to one another as possible.
I don’t know how long we stood like that but it was long enough for my tears to finally stop flowing, for the tremors in my body to stop, for the icy cold that had invaded my limbs to leave me, and for Autumn’s warmth to begin raising my temperature so I didn’t feel like I was nothing more than a block of ice both inside and out.
As we stood like that, and I began to feel more human again, my body heated, every inch of me becoming exquisitely sensitive to her and each one of her feminine curves.
Helplessly I responded to her, my cock lengthening and hardening until it was rock hard, pressing into Autumn’s stomach. I groaned silently. This was not the time to be sporting a boner but my dick had no self-control when he was wedged up close to her beautiful body.
Autumn shifted, and I thought for a moment she was going to pull away from me, but she merely angled her lower body away enough that she could unzip me, reaching in to take my length in her hand.
Her eyes lifted to mine, so much emotion showing in them. “You’re so hard.” She said and I nodded, unable to speak. “What do you need right now?”
“You.” I whispered the one word. “But I…” I cleared my throat. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you as a way to forget all this.” I waved a hand towards the photos on the lounge.
“I don’t think that Theo. I care for you very much. I think you know that. If being inside me helps you to cope with what you’ve just found out, then let me help you.” She pulled away and began to strip before me, not stopping until she was naked.
I groaned, my eyes moving up and down every beautiful inch of her. “Fuck.” I ground the word out, my cock now so hard it hurt. I forced my gaze to return to hers. “I can’t guarantee that if I touch you I will be gentle. I have so much hurt and pain, anger and frustration inside me right now; I just want to bend you over and take you hard and fast. You deserve better than to be treated like a vessel for me to spill all my emotions into.”
Autumn stepped up to me, one hand rising to cup my cheek. “I want to give you whatever you need to ease the turbulence that is here and here.” She touched my temple briefly before placing her hand over my heart. “You won’t hurt me. Let me help you.” She moved her hands to my jeans again, removing my belt and opening the button so she could slide the denim over my hips and down my legs, taking my briefs with them.
Once I’d stepped out of them she p
ulled my t-shirt up and over my head until I too was fully naked. Before I could reach for her she curled her fingers around my cock, working her fist up and down my rigid length, forcing a low groan from me as she snagged the drop of pre cum that was beaded at the tip and spread it over the sensitive head, rubbing it into my skin.
Releasing me she turned, and my eyes dropped to her perfect ass as she walked over to the dining table, lowering her body over the smooth wood, her hands above her head, hanging onto the edge of it. Her feet were still on the floor, her legs spread and, from this angle, I had a perfect view between her legs of her wet and glistening pussy.
Limping up behind her I slipped two fingers into her, feeling how easily they slid in due to the slickness of her arousal. From this angle I could see the tightly puckered hole of her ass and, unable to help myself, I brought some of the moisture from her pussy and smeared it over her rosette, watching as she clenched in reaction from my touch. I heard her gasp and felt her stiffen, which convinced me she probably had never been taken there before.
Bending down until my chest rested over her back, I kissed her smooth skin. “Relax baby, I’m not going to fuck you there. Maybe one day you’ll let me. Have you ever had anal sex?”
Autumn didn’t say anything, she simply shook her head and I straightened, slipping a hand back between her legs until I found her swollen clit. I rubbed my fingers over it urgently, roughly, listening to the tiny sounds and whimpers she made.
“I can’t wait, I’m sorry. I need inside you too much.” I groaned, abandoning her clit and grasping the base of my cock as I lined the head up at her wet entrance.
As I surged forward, filling her with one single smooth lunge, we both cried out from the intensity of it. I paused, giving her time to adjust to the feel of me, my teeth clamping together as she tightened around me, her wet heat like a vice against my overly sensitive skin.
“Fuck me Theo.” She turned her head as she spoke the words and my heart leapt wildly in my chest as I stared down at her gorgeous profile. I couldn’t deny it any longer. This woman was making me feel things I’d never felt before. She was chipping the ice away from my heart and I realised I could no longer picture a future without her in it. This revelation both excited me and terrified me.
When Autumn’s muscles closed around me again and she pushed back, clearly wanting me to move, my focus returned to her and the feeling of being back inside her warm, welcoming body.
Taking her hips in my hands I began to thrust, hard, fast, deep, slamming into her, our bodies making a loud slapping noise in the room. I groaned as my orgasm came at me with all the speed of a runaway freight train. I wasn’t going to last long at all.
Changing the angle, and shifting her body until I was grazing over her sweet spot with every thrust, I pounded into her like an animal. Fuck, I felt like one; wild, out of control, desperate for the release that was coming.
“Jesus Autumn, I’m sorry but I can’t hold on.” I squeezed the words out between tightly clenched teeth. My grip on her hips was punishing and I knew I’d probably leave bruises on her soft skin.
“Oh god, Theo, it’s ok, I’m going to come. Oh hell, you feel so good. I love it when you fuck me like this. It feels so good…so good…so…” Her words stopped and she began to scream, her body shuddering, and, as every one of her feminine muscles clamped down on my cock, fluttering and squeezing me, determined to shred the final fragments of my self-control, I let go, my cock jerking inside Autumn as I emptied shot after shot of my release inside her.
It felt like it went on forever, draining me, overwhelming me with the intensity of feelings and emotions that flooded my system. Autumn’s body was unrelenting on mine, forcing every last drop from me as the rhythmic waves of her own orgasm milked me dry until I collapsed over her back, my breaths rasping harshly as I struggled to get much needed air into my lungs.
We stayed like that; my body on Autumn’s, hers still lying over the table and my softening cock still inside her. We stayed like that until our breathing had settled enough for me to extract my body from hers and for us both to make our way to my bathroom, where, under the blissful heat of the shower’s spray, we washed away the stickiness of our primitive coupling and the sweat that had cooled on our skin.
As we stood under the deluge of water I held her in my arms, my emotions a scattered mess. I smiled into her eyes, I kissed her soft lips and I cried again for my brother, held by this amazing woman as I wept. I knew as I kissed her, I knew as she held me and even as I wept, that I could no longer deny how I felt. I was well on my way to falling in love with Autumn.
Epilogue
One year later
“What on earth is wrong with you Theo? You’re as nervy and jumpy as a wild colt.” Autumn frowned as she stared at me and I smiled, trying valiantly to mask the sheer terror I was feeling.
“It’s your birthday. I’m just nervous you won’t like my gift to you.” I told her, which was half the truth at least.
Her expression softened. “Just being with you is enough. I love you Theo. We might have had an unconventional start to this relationship but things couldn’t be better now.”
I hooked an arm around her, dragging her closer to me, kissing the top of her head. “I love you too baby. I never thought I’d find love, and certainly not the neighbour.”
Autumn laughed. “Well, you know what they say?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Love thy neighbour.”
I laughed at her response before nerves took over again and I climbed out of bed. Autumn had moved in with me a few months ago and, although she still had her place, she kept the land for her animals but rented out the house. That meant of course that the massive beast she called Tiny now lived in my home and I’d finally become, not exactly accepting, but accustomed, to the drool that ran from that dog’s mouth like a never ending stream.
It was just as well I’d become used to it because I needed the great lumbering beast to assist me with my surprise for Autumn.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” I said, walking towards the bedroom door.
“Nice ass.” She called out and I turned back, shooting her a grin. I’d forgotten in the heat of my sheer panic that I was naked.
When I made it to the study I unlocked the drawer in my desk and pulled out the small velvet covered box, before heading out to the living room where Tiny was sprawled out on the floor sleeping.
I’d prepared for this moment earlier and the jewellery box was in a small plastic bag which was attached to a length of string. Coaxing Tiny to me as silently as possible, I slipped the string around his neck and fashioned it like a loose fitting collar. Once I was satisfied I called him to follow me back to the bedroom, where my beautiful woman was stretched out on her stomach across the rumpled sheets.
“I brought you a surprise.” I told her, walking over to the bed, my heart pounding so hard in my chest I wondered if she would be able to hear it.
Autumn turned and saw Tiny before turning her amused gaze on me. “I’ll let you in on a little secret Theo: I know Tiny already, so he’s no real surprise. The fact you’ve allowed him into the bedroom though…now that is a surprise.”
“Tiny, go see your mum.” I called the great beast, trying to cajole and coax him to the side of the bed where Autumn was lying. That was enough to get her to roll over, her eyes narrowing as she stared up at me.
“What’s gotten into you Theo? You never let Tiny in the bedroom but now you want him on the bed?”
“Well, not on the bed exactly but I want him to go to you. He…he has something for you.”
I don’t know if it was something in my voice that drew Autumn’s attention. The fact that I sounded a little like someone had put my balls in a vice and crushed them was probably what made her frown at me again before her gaze dropped to Tiny, who was standing near the bed looking unsure. The dog knew he wasn’t allowed in the bedroom normally, so he possibly wondered how long it would take before he was ordered out again.
> I knew the moment she saw what was hanging around his neck by her surprised gasp and her eyes flying to mine.
“Theo? What is…is that?” She asked, her gaze returning to the bag attached to the makeshift collar.
“Why don’t you have a look and see?” I croaked, my voice definitely not sounding remotely like my own.
My heart was pounding so hard I wondered if it was possible for it to explode. Could a heart self destruct from beating way faster than nature probably intended? I was convinced it was a real possibility as I watched Autumn remove the string collar from Tiny and open the bag, extracting the small velvet covered box.
Carefully she opened it and her eyes widened, one hand rising to cover her mouth which had fallen open, her lips forming a perfect ‘O’.
I looked down at the ring that was revealed; a large, single square cut diamond, sparkling when the sunlight streaming in through the windows hit it. It was a simple ring because I knew Autumn wouldn’t like something too cluttered looking. The solitary diamond was a big one though, and an expensive one, making up for the fact that it was the only stone mounted on the gold band.
