by Anthology
“Erm, hello? Ryan Reynolds.”
Okay he's got me there, but there is one thing he's forgetting about what I'm watching. “Erm, hello? Alex Pettyfer.”
“Oh, I forgot about him. Turn the volume up and let me watch.” He wiggles his eyebrows before turning to look at the TV and I do as he instructs.
I look at the screen myself but my mind is far away. My entire awareness is on the man lying next to me. The deep breaths that he takes as he relaxes, the way he rubs his foot against the sheet without noticing, and I don’t even have to look at him to know he's chewing his bottom lip. He does it automatically when he's watching a movie. I've spent most of my life wanting to bite that lip for him. I've seen a lot of men do the same thing but it hasn’t done anything for me. Usually I think that they need to stop because they look stupid, but not Tristen. No, his glistening lips and slight teeth marks make my dick hard every single time.
“Do you want me to leave?”
I'm pulled out of my thoughts by his sudden question and it takes me a minute to catch up. “No, you can watch the end of the movie.”
He looks away from me and it worries me a little. Tristen never looks nervous around me and I start to wonder why he is now. “I didn’t mean tonight. I mean do you want me to move out?”
Words are stuck in my throat, not knowing what to say. He wants to leave? What did I do?
Chapter Three
Tristen
I don’t know why I feel so nervous bringing this up. It should be a simple question to which he will give me his honest answer. I've wanted to ask him this for a few months but I've never found the courage to do it. I mean what do I do if he says yes? As much as I would love to ignore the whole conversation I know I can’t, and broaching the subject first seemed less painful than him telling me to leave.
He hasn’t even hinted that he wants me to go, but I know he’s probably getting bored having me around. I haven’t seen him go out once since I moved in and I don’t want him to start resenting me for his lack of social life.
“Why the fuck do you think I want you to leave?” He sounds angry and it makes me look away from him, even though he can’t see me clearly in the darkened room.
“I don’t know really, I'm just worried that I might be cramping your style. I don’t want you to feel like you have to look after me, you have your own life to live.”
August sits up and reaches out to turn on the lamp that’s on his side of the bed. I match his position, crossing my legs and leaning my elbows on my knees. “Have I ever made you feel that I don’t want you here? That you’re somehow ruining things for me?”
I lower my head because I don’t want to look at him. I've never felt awkward with August but I'm getting much more out of this arrangement than he is, and admitting that is showing how pathetic I actually am. He brought me here when my life was collapsing around me and gave me everything I needed: support, a home and eventually a job. He’s been here for me pretty much twenty-four hours a day since Ray died and I haven’t given him anything in return. “No, but this situation can’t be great for you. You haven’t been on a single date since I came along and I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. You’ve put your life on hold and I'm feeling guilty as hell about it.”
August’s laughter makes me look up because it’s a sudden departure from the anger and it’s not the response I was expecting. “What sort of life do you think I had before you moved here? I can assure you that I wasn’t exactly a hit with the guys. No secret love affair in my past I'm afraid, just me being boring and alone. So really, you being here is actually a good thing, you keep me company.” He lies down on his side of the bed and when he turns the light off I follow suit
“I don’t believe you by the way.” Staring into the darkness I feel him moving on the bed beside me and when he speaks he sounds a lot closer than he was before.
“About what?”
“You not being a hit with guys. There’s no way you haven’t had men lining up around the corner.” I know I'm probably biased, but I think August is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. Even if you don't fall in love with his kindness and generosity, you will fall for how sexy he is. He has that whole tall, dark and handsome thing working for him. Since his growth spurt in high school, no one has been able to hold a candle to him in the looks department. I don't think he truly knows how attractive he is, always playing down his looks when you give him a compliment. He seems to think that I only tell him how attractive he is to be nice, but little does he know how many times I jerked off while picturing him in his PE kit.
“I hate to burst your bubble but I'm not interested in dating. There hasn’t been anyone that caught my attention like … they need to.”
The hesitation at the end of his sentence peaks my interest. It sounded like he was going to say a name but changed his mind. Is August hiding something from me? “Like … they need to? That little stutter tells me there’s a story that I need to hear. Is there someone important out there, August?” I flip onto my stomach and lay my head onto my arms, getting comfortable for the story but the only thing I’m met with is silence. “Come on, spill it.”
He sighs before speaking and I smile as I think about all the juicy details I'm about to get. August has never been one to share about his love life without me pushing and it’s been a long time since I turned the spotlight on him. “There was just someone I liked but it was never going to happen. Timing was just always wrong so I never went for it. Sometimes you just have to know when it’s time to move on, and eventually I had to understand that I was just not his type.”
“Are you crazy, August? Why would you give up on someone without even finding out how they felt?”
“I just didn’t see the point in ruining a friendship. Can we drop this? It didn’t happen and I’ll get over it. Let’s talk about something more interesting … like your birthday.”
I don’t want to drop the subject. I want to know why August never went after this guy. He has always been the same, it’s like there’s always something holding him back from pursuing happiness. I was hoping that once I had found Ray that he would see how great it was to have someone in your life but I think it made him retreat even further into himself. In all of the years that I've known August he has never had a relationship that progressed past a couple of dates and I hate to see him alone because he really is the most amazing person I know.
“Do we really need to talk about me getting older? I would much rather continue the conversation about you liking this man.”
“Nope, not happening. What do you want to do to celebrate?”
I turn and face the ceiling, biting my lips as I think about my last birthday. It was a few months after Ray had died and I spent the whole day sitting on the couch refusing to acknowledge it. I can’t believe that it was a whole year ago. My grief has been a lot easier to live with in the last six months or so and it’s all because of August. He made sure that I understood that it was okay to get on with my life because Ray wouldn’t want me to sit in and fade away from the world. I think I knew it myself but hearing him tell me it made all the difference. Now just over a year later I feel that I've found myself again, and even though I'm not the same person anymore, I’m finding happiness in my new life. “I really don’t know. I suppose I should do something, right?
“Yes you need to do something. You're gonna be thirty, Tristen. It’s an important birthday and I don’t want to let it pass without celebrating in style, you’ve missed out on enough recently.”
Again he's right. I’ve put my life on hold for a long time now and I need to start living again. I started to heal when I made the decision to celebrate the time I had with Ray instead of mourning him, but I haven’t really done that yet. I need to get out there, meet new friends and just enjoy myself. I love spending time with August and we have developed a routine that we are both comfortable with, and I think that’s become a problem. I’ve become dependent on him and that’s not fair to either o
f us. No, I need to stand on my own two feet and give him a chance to live his own life. I think my birthday is the perfect opportunity for that. “What do you suggest?”
“How about a night out? We could invite some people from work and head to Olympus to get our dance on.”
“I think that sounds like a bloody fantastic idea.” And I'm not just trying to keep August happy, it really does sound great. I haven’t had a night out in longer than I can remember, even when Ray was alive. When we met we quickly got into the habit of staying in when we spent our nights together. Neither of us were big party animals so there was never any great need to go out and dance the night away. We preferred to spend our time watching movies or cooking. We always joked that we were getting old before our time, but we were just happy being together.
“Really? I was sure you’d say no, but I'm glad that you didn’t. I will organise it all so you don’t need to do a thing.”
“Just tell me when to look pretty and I’ll make sure that I get my hair done.”
His laughter makes me smile like it always does. There’s something satisfying about making August happy and as I fall asleep I think about what else I can do to make that smile a more permanent feature on his face.
****
“So Mikey and Craig are definitely coming. Ryan is a yes if he can get someone to take his daughter for the night, and well, you know that Amy and Chele are always up for a night out.”
We are sitting at the dining table eating after another long day at work. This is our normal routine and it’s comforting in its predictability. I skewer a few pieces of pasta onto my fork as I listen to August tell me about what he's planned already, stopping the forkful halfway to my mouth so I can ask a question. “What about Robert and Michael?”
“Oh yeah, they’re coming too. It should be a good night. I said we would meet them at Olympus at ten.” August looks really excited with the night he has planned for me, and with the people that he's invited he should be. I was a little worried about who he would invite since we are in different offices now, but he has a good mixture from both and I really like the people who are coming. I'm glad that it won’t be a huge crowd of people because I'm not sure I would be able to cope with that for my first time out. It’s more than enough for me to have a good night but not too many to make me feel awkward.
“They’re okay with going out to a gay club?” I've never hidden my sexuality from anyone and when I moved here people obviously knew that I had lost my boyfriend, but I know that a lot of straight men aren’t comfortable going to a gay club.
“Yeah they’re fine with it. It’s your birthday so they are willing to go anywhere you want. I'm not saying that the guys won’t take a few minutes to settle but they’ll get over it. I'm not exactly going to take you somewhere you won’t have fun.”
“I haven’t been out in over a year, I'm pretty sure that I’ll have fun no matter where we go. But I suppose it will make it easier for you to pick someone up if we know the men there like dick.” I expect to hear laughter but I get nothing from him. Yet again talking to August about him finding someone or going out on a date shuts down the conversation. I don’t know why he does it and the only reasons I can think about for him avoiding the subject makes my stomach hurt. I worry that he has either lost a relationship because he’s looking after my needs, or maybe he’s secretly seeing someone and doesn’t want to tell me incase my feelings get hurt. I'm just about to ask him about it when he speaks.
“Are you going to be looking for someone?”
That’s a really good question, and it’s one I haven’t actually thought about. If he had asked me a few months ago I would have flat out told him no, that the last thing I was thinking about was dating anyone, but now I don’t know. Maybe that’s what I should be doing? How long do I grieve before I'm meant to move on? “I don’t think so.”
“That’s not a definite no. Have you thought about meeting anyone?”
“Truthfully? No. Going out and hooking up with someone isn’t something that’s even entered my head. I don’t how to explain it. I've not felt the need to find someone but it’s not really due to my grief anymore. It feels more like I just want more time. Maybe I just need to be alone for a while so I can work out what I need.” Now that I've said the words out loud it makes a lot of sense. I was with Ray for a few years, and I honestly thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. Now things need to change and I don't think I should rush into making any big decisions.
August takes a drink from his glass and nods his head at me. “I suppose that makes sense. Just do me a favour, let me know when you're ready to start dating again.”
It’s a strange request but I suppose after everything he's done for me it isn’t exactly too much to ask. It is his house after all and if I'm going to be bringing men home at some point I really should give him the heads up. “You’ll be the first on my list, but I don’t think you will have to worry about that any time soon. Talking about dating, if you ever need me to make myself scarce for the evening while you entertain, I will be more than happy to find something to do. I don’t want you turning into a monk just because I live here.” This gets a laugh from August and I smile around a mouthful of pasta.
“I don’t think you will have to worry about that. I’ve gone so long without sex I think my virginity has grown back.”
I choke on my mouthful of food and have to grab my napkin to try and stop it from spraying all over the table. When I finally stop choking I throw my napkin at August. “Don’t say shit like that when I'm eating. Are you trying to kill me?”
“What? It’s the truth. I think the last time I was with a guy I was still wearing Captain America underwear.”
“Wasn’t that just last week?”
I don’t duck quick enough and end up wearing a handful of pasta salad. I look down at myself and watch as a large piece of pasta slides down the front of my shirt before joining the pile that’s formed on my lap. It’s only been a few days since our pizza fight and now I'm covered in more bloody food. “Seriously? Will we ever be able to go a whole week without one of us being covered in food?”
“I can’t see it if I'm being honest.”
This has apparently become our thing. The first time it started was three months after I moved in. I had just received some of Ray’s belongings from his mum and I was feeling a little sensitive. August had brought home Chinese food but my mood had been shitty. I had picked a fight the whole way through the meal, choosing to take my anger out on him. We were about half way through the dinner when he threw the first spoonful of fried rice. After the shock wore off the whole thing quickly descended into a messy chaos of flying food. By the time we were finished we were sitting opposite each other on the kitchen floor, our backs against the units, and the floor littered with food. It took us nearly two hours to clean it afterwards, but I hadn’t felt so free in a long time.
It was maybe our first food fight but it wasn’t the last. Sometimes I can’t believe the mess we make when it happens, we’ve even had to repaint the living room because of the stains left by barbeque sauce, but it doesn’t stop us from doing it over and over again. As I sit here now, wearing August’s dinner, I know there’s a good chance that we’re going to be repainting again.
Chapter Four
August
“Are you nearly ready? We’re going to be late.” I forgot how long it takes Tristen to get ready. In college we were always at least an hour late to everything and it was always because Tristen could never decide what to wear. I thought he might have outgrown it but apparently I was wrong.
“Don’t rush me.”
Nope, nothing has changed. I knock on his bedroom door and enter when I hear him shout. He’s standing in the middle of his room, surrounded by what looks like every single piece of clothing he owns, and is staring in his mirror with a disgusted look on his face.
“I look like an idiot.”
I'm not sure what Tristen is seeing in the mirror but i
t’s obviously very different from what I can see. He’s wearing tight black jeans that look like they are moulded to his arse and a fitted red shirt that shows off his slim waist. His blonde hair is styled to the side, letting the length almost fall over one eyebrow. He is fucking beautiful without even trying and I know that I'm going to spend most of the night trying not to get hard. He makes me look like nothing when standing next to him, but after being his friend for so long I'm used to blending into the background. “Um, what part looks stupid?”
“The whole thing. Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I'm too old to wear my old clothes.”
I roll my eyes as I walk up behind him. I want to tell him how sexy he looks and that he’s making my dick twitch in my own jeans because he looks so fucking hot, but I can’t so I try to convince him with logic. “Too old? Come on man. You’re wearing a shirt and some jeans, I'm pretty sure that’s a classic combination no matter the age. You’re overthinking this. You’ve told me you aren’t going out looking for a man so as long as you’re comfortable let’s go.”
He huffs but runs his hands through his hair before turning to face me. The move causes his hair to stick up in the most adorable way and I know that a lot of men would pay a fortune for the same look. “Fine, let’s get out of here before I change my mind and order a pizza.
I laugh at his empty threat but not wanting to take any chances, I leave the room and head towards the front door. I grab my leather jacket and make sure I have my wallet and keys. “Right, let’s do this.”
We both leave the house and head towards the town centre which is only a ten-minute walk. I want to make tonight amazing for Tristen. Not only because its his birthday, but because I want to show him it’s okay to move on. My priority tonight is to make sure that he wants to do it again soon.
