by Carian Cole
She sits up. “Is he okay? Is Lukas okay?”
“I don’t know . . . Lukas is okay, but I need to be there for him.” I can’t tell my daughter that little Katie is gone. How can that even be true? I can’t wrap my head around it. Just a few weeks ago, we all spent the weekend at Lukas’ house while he babysat for Vandal. Macy painted Katie’s nails bright pink with tiny white hearts, and she was so excited. My God, how can this be happening? She’s just a little girl. I cover my mouth with my hand and turn away from my daughter.
“Mom?”
Forcing the tears back, I shake my head. “I need to go. I’ll call you, but please stay here with your brother.”
She nods somberly. “I will. I promise.”
As I get into my car, I realize I don’t even know which hospital Lukas is at, but there’s only one big hospital nearby, so that’s the one I head toward. Hot tears stream down my face as I drive, blurring the road. I’m speeding, but I don’t care; I have to get to him. Maybe I misunderstood him. He was crying and not speaking coherently. I must have heard him incorrectly. Katie has to be fine.
When I reach the hospital, the visitor’s lot is practically empty, but I see Lukas’ Corvette near the main entrance and pull my car in next to it. I’m almost to the glass doors of the hospital foyer when I see him sitting on a bench a few feet away, doubled over, with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. I run to him and drop to my knees on the icy lawn in front of him, wrapping my arms around him.
“I got here as fast as I could,” I say softly, stroking his back as his entire body trembles.
He clings to me, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Oh, God, Ivy . . . I can’t . . .” He swallows hard.
My heart aches and shatters for him, his beautiful soul so broken. “Honey, tell me what I can do for you.” I kiss his wet cheek and hug him to me tighter. “We’ll get through this together. I promise.”
He lifts his head and shakes it slowly, his eyes dark and glazed, seeing things I can’t see. “Katie’s gone . . . Vandal’s hurt pretty bad.” A deep sob robs him of his breath, and he chokes, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “They were in a head-on collision. He had a girl in the car with him, but she’s didn’t make it . . . neither did the other driver.” His eyes finally meet mine. “It’s a fucking nightmare. He’s a mess, but he doesn’t know yet . . . about Katie.” His body shudders again saying her name.
Oh God.
I take his hands in mine. “Is anyone else here? Your family?”
“They’re on their way. I couldn’t see Vandal yet . . . I need a minute. . . . and then I need to go back in . . . they want me to answer questions . . . about them. I just had to get some air.”
I take some tissues out of my bag and wipe his face like I do to Tommy. I feel so helpless. What can I possibly say or do to comfort him?
“Can I call anyone? Please tell me what I can do.” I can’t hold back my tears anymore.
He takes the tissue from me and blows his nose. “Please, just stay with me.”
“Of course. I’m not going anywhere.” I brush his hair out of his face and caress his cheek. “I love you. I’ll do anything for you.”
He grabs me and pulls me to him so tight that he squeezes the breath out of me. “I love you, too.” Taking my hand in his, he stands and pulls me with him. “I need to go inside and take care of this. My brother needs me.”
Lukas transforms the moment he steps foot in the hospital. He’s calm, composed, in control. I stand by his side, silently supportive, his hand never letting go of mine as he meets with police officers and doctors. I’m amazed at the amount of information he has about his brother and niece—their birth dates, blood types, medical histories, Katie’s mother’s name and number, the name of Vandal’s girlfriend. All memorized.
His cousins from the band begin to arrive, and there is chaos in the waiting room as they find out their niece has tragically died. Storm and Evie huddle in a corner and cry. Mikah is pacing, yelling, “What the fuck did he do this time?” while Talon trails after him trying to calm him down. Asher arrives with a gorgeous older woman I assume to be Aria, Lukas’ aunt, who I haven’t met in person yet. They approach us, teary-eyed, and Lukas fills them in with what little he knows.
“I’m going to call our manager and lawyer,” Asher says. “Have they let you see Vandal at all yet? Is he talking?”
Lukas shakes his head. “Not yet. I think he’s still unconscious. No one will give me a fucking straight answer, except to say that he’s going to be all right, but he’s banged up good. Apparently, he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and was thrown from the car.”
Asher winces. “This will gut him and send him right over the fucking edge. We have to make sure the doctors let one of us tell him about Katie. If he hears this from a stranger, he’s liable to strangle someone.”
“I’m not leaving until I can be with him,” Lukas says.
“I’m staying here with you, Lukas,” Aria says, dabbing her eyes. “We’ll tell him together. I’m not leaving you boys to deal with all this alone. Ronnie is on his way here, too.”
I wish I wasn’t meeting Lukas’ family in the midst of a family tragedy. For weeks, we’ve been talking about getting together with his aunt, uncle, and Gram for dinner, but haven’t been able to find a good time. Now, here I am meeting them during a horrific time. I wonder if I should leave them alone to talk, but he holds on to my hand so tightly that it hurts but I refuse to let go. He can crush the bones in my fingers if it makes him feel better. I’m not letting go of him.
Time drags as we all wait in a large private lounge that the nurses moved us into, and soon, the sun is coming up. Lukas and I napped for a short time earlier, leaning against each other on a small couch.
“You should go home and be with the kids,” he says softly. “I’ll stay here and keep you updated.”
“I don’t want to leave you—”
He kisses my lips quickly. “I’ll be okay. I can’t thank you enough for being here this long. He’ll be awake soon, and we’re going to have to deal with that. I promise I’ll call you as soon as I know anything more.”
“Do you want me to bring you something before I leave? Coffee? I could go get you guys some breakfast?”
“I can’t eat anything, but thank you, babe.” He holds my coat out so I can slip into it, and then wraps his arms around me. I hug him tightly, wishing I could steal all his pain away from him.
“If you need or want anything, you call me.” I comb my fingers through his rumpled hair. “I mean it. I don’t mind sitting here with you all day.”
“I know, and that means so much to me. You have no idea. The next few days are going to be even harder. I can’t . . .” His voice catches, and he bows his head down, taking a quick breath. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
I hold his head against mine, my hands wrapping around to clasp behind his neck. “I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved her. I did too.”
He lifts his head to meet my eyes, biting his lip. “You should go now. Text me when you get home so I know you’re okay.”
When I get in my car I find another tiny black feather on my car seat. Picking it up, I put it in my pocket so I can put it with the others I’ve found that are in a tiny velvet pouch in my nightstand. I drive home in a total daze, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I debate turning around and going right back to stay with Lukas, but wonder if maybe, as much as he needed me there, that he also needs to be alone with his brother, too. My heart aches, thinking of Vandal and poor little Katie, and the other victims of the crash. What a horrible reminder of how precious and fragile life is.
I steel myself for the hard road ahead. Seeing Lukas crumble, and then become a rock for his family, exposed layers of him I haven’t seen before. He proved himself someone to be counted on in an emergency, with a level head and quick thinking, but inside, he was falling apart, his heart breaking for his little princess, as he called her. I worry that hi
ding and suppressing his own emotions will take a toll on Lukas emotionally and spark up his past depression.
I have to admit to myself that Lukas was right. He is mature beyond his years, and he’s more of a man than I could ever hope to have in my and my children’s lives.
LUKAS
I BATTLED INTENSE GRIEF AT A very young age. It nearly consumed me and almost turned me into a dark shadow slithering throughout my young life. Since losing Katie, I can feel those demons whispering to me again, luring me back into their fold, but I refuse to let them drag me back down into that dark hole. And while those demons definitely have their gnarly claws in my brother right now, I know he has to fight them on his own. I’ve helped him as much as I can the past few months, and now, I have to sit back and hope he finds his way out the other side of his grief.
Easier said than done, to watch someone you love be hurt, while hurting themselves even more in the process. Even harder when they don’t accept your help.
“I’m going to propose,” I tell Finn once he’s settled in my tattoo chair and under my gun, so he can’t freak out too badly at the news.
“Wow,” he says. “I’m flattered, dude, but I don’t like you in that way.”
I punch his leg. “To Ivy, fool.”
He twitches his arm, almost causing me to gouge his artwork right out of his flesh. “Lukas, are you kidding me? Fucking marriage?”
I lean my elbow on his arm. “Sit still. And yes.”
“Dude. Why.”
I frown up at him. “Because I love her.”
“You can love her and not, like, legalize that shit, bro.” He shoves his shades up on his head, pushing his long hair back, and stares at me like I’ve lost my head.
“I want to legalize it. I really love her and the kids. Her divorce is finally final, too. It took forever.”
His face twists into a smirk. “Fucking divorce! Do you really want to be second, man? The second husband? The stepfather? That shit sucks.”
Turning to my worktable, I shake my head at him. “I don’t care about all that. We love each other. We’re good together. She makes me feel safe.”
“Safe? Is she a ninja? Safe from what?”
I don’t know why I ever bother to talk to Finn about my relationship. He’s had a string of one-night stands since he was fourteen, and has zero concept of commitment or love. I keep hoping that, one day, he’ll meet the right chick and fall in love, and experience it like the rest of the world, but so far, no dice.
Turning back to him, I hold his arm down and continue his sleeve. “I mean content. That kind of safe. Like, I know she won’t hurt me or blow my friends. I can trust her.”
“Speaking of blowjobs, where’s the chick that used to work at the front desk?”
Ugh, Dana worked here for a little while and seemed to think that offering sexual favors to our customers was part of her job description.
“I fired her.”
“Well, shit. That new babe working the front now is even hotter, though. I gotta get me a piece of that.”
I freeze and glare at him. “That’s my younger cousin, Rayne, asshole. Don’t you go near her.”
“What the fuck, cock-blocker.”
Sighing, I try to divert his attention. “Anyway, I’m going to propose this weekend, I think. I just have to organize something really cool.”
He tilts his head. “You could jump out of a plane together and propose in mid-air.”
“No.”
“You could tie the ring around your dick and tell her to blow you, and when she gets down there, kabam!”
“No.”
“You could send her on a treasure hunt. Like, give her clues that she has to solve, and at the end, there you are. With the rock. Boom.”
I nod slowly, wondering how crazy I am for even considering any idea that comes out of Finn’s head. “Hmmm . . . that’s actually not a bad idea. I’ll think about that one.”
“The plane and the blowjob sounds much cooler to me, man.”
Rayne pokes her head around the curtain, and I wave her in. “What’s up?”
“I was gonna order lunch. Do you want anything from the café?”
“Just my usual latte, thanks. Get Finnster one, too, and take some money out of the register.”
She turns on her heel, but Finn stops her. “Hey, baby, wait a sec. If I was gonna propose to you, would you rather jump out of a plane with me and get the ring mid-air, or find it tied around my dick?”
I laugh as she curls her lip at him. “Um, neither?”
Finn feigns a pouting face at her. “What? I’m not good enough for you?”
I watch in horror as she smiles shyly at him. “I’m only nineteen. I don’t even want to think about marriage until I’m like forty.”
“Yes!” he yells. “Perfect answer. You are the woman of my dreams.” He winks at her, and I hold back from punching him, even though I really want to pummel his face for flirting with my sweetheart of a cousin. “Now, you hafta marry me” he says. “When you’re forty, of course.”
I point to the door. “Rayne. Out. Get lunch. Do not provoke him.”
She giggles and skips out, leaving me to glare at my best friend. “Dude. Don’t even think about it. She is off limits. Period,” I warn.
He stretches his arm out, and I start the design on the top of his hand that will extend down his fingers. “Why? She’s legal. And she’s fucking hot.”
“Are you dim? Do you know who she is?”
“Your hot cousin? What else is there to know?”
“She’s the little sister of like everyone in Ashes and Embers. Storm and Asher would kill you if you went near her. Not to mention ruin your career.”
He lets out a low whistle. “Fuck. I didn’t realize she was related to all them.”
“Yeah. So forget it. She can’t be one of your playthings.”
He shrugs and grins. “So, how old is your future stepdaughter?”
LUKAS
MOST PEOPLE THINK THAT A MARRIAGE proposal is all about the woman and making it special for her—and it is (calm down, chicks)—but I think a lot of guys want it to be meaningful for themselves, too. They just don’t want to admit it because they think they’re too cool. Me? I got no problems admitting I want this night to be memorable for both of us. But, yeah, I really wanna blow her fucking mind and obliterate any memories that she once had a first husband.
Finn was kinda right; I hate that someone married my girl before I found her.
I could not have asked for a more perfect night for my plan. The air is warm, but not humid. Placing the last flameless candle on the table, I take a step back and look at the balcony that I’ve transformed. I decided to not use real candles, so I could leave everything set up while we go to dinner and not have to worry about burning the house down. I’ve shoved the love seat to the far side and laid a huge faux fur rug in the middle of the balcony floor. The electric fireplace is lit in the corner, with the heat option turned off, and earlier today, I strung new tiny purple lights around the edges of the balcony. It looks magical, exactly as I envisioned it.
I pick her up at her house and take her out to dinner a few towns away. She looks beautiful wearing a little black dress that shows off her curves perfectly, and I love that she has no clue how sexy she looks. I notice that she’s wearing the amethyst I gave her a few weeks ago, dangling from her neck on a delicate white gold chain. I’ve never bought a girl gifts before I met her, but I love to give Ivy surprises just to see her face light up. Giving her gifts has become a sort of addiction for me. Sometimes, it’s cute things like stuffed toys, or maybe something I’ve made for her, and other times, it’s something expensive like jewelry. The best part is seeing her face light up, how her eyes go wide like saucers, and then she jumps up and down excitedly before tackling me with kisses. She’s the reason I wake up smiling every day, my own sunny anchor keeping my world grounded.
On the drive back to my house after dinner, we hold hands but don’t tal
k a lot. I’m a little lost in my own head, worried that maybe what I’ve planned isn’t good enough and is just too simple. I thought about a thousand proposal ideas, some insane like Finn’s suggestions, some over the top and just cheesy, but I finally decided that romantic is the way to go. What better place than where we had our first real deep moment—on my balcony?
“Tonight’s the night,” Ray squawks when we enter the house, and I want to smack him. He must have heard me on the phone earlier with Finn.
Ivy giggles at him as she takes her coat off. “What’s he talking about now?”
I throw the cover over his cage, hoping he’ll shut up and go to sleep, and shrug nonchalantly. “He’s been watching too much television again. I keep forgetting to turn it off when I go down to the shop in the mornings.”
Grabbing her hand, I lead her upstairs, and I actually feel shaky, like I’m gonna skitz out from nervousness. Calm down. Don’t fuck this up.
“Wow, it looks even more beautiful here tonight!” she marvels when she sees how I’ve got it decorated. “I love it.”
“Let’s sit.” I guide her to the white rug and gently pull her down on the floor with me. She takes off her black high heels and tucks her feet under her, watching me suspiciously.
“Are you okay?” she finally asks. “You look a little pale.” She reaches toward me and puts her palm on my forehead.
“Ivy . . . I love ya, babe, but don’t do the mom stuff right now. I’m fine.” I reach beside the fireplace and grab my violin. “I have a surprise for you, and I’m a little nervous. That’s all.”
“Oh!” she exclaims excitedly. “You’re going to play for me? Finally?”
I grin and nod at her. “I wrote a song just for you. No singing, though. Just an instrumental. I’m sorry it took so long.”
She claps her hands like a little kid, a big smile spreading across her face. “Lukas! I’m so excited.”
She’s been begging me to play for her since she heard me play at the club, but I’ve been writing her a special melody over the past few months and didn’t want her to hear it until it was perfect.
