by Tina Martin
He stood up from the bed and strolled down the hallway to the guest bedroom where she’d slept last night. The door was opened, partially. He pushed it all the way open and walked into the room. Ava wasn’t there. The bed was made, and it almost appeared that she hadn’t been there at all. Hadn’t slept there.
Walking out of the room now, he said, “Ava,” calling out to her. She had to be downstairs, or maybe she was in Andrew’s room. He took a few steps down the hallway, opened the door to Andrew’s room, but she wasn’t there either. And Andrew wasn’t in his crib.
“Ava,” he said, jogging downstairs. “Where are you, baby?”
He searched the kitchen. The office. The library. Family room. “Ava, where are you?”
He stepped outside, standing on the porch and that’s when he noticed her car wasn’t in their horseshoe driveway. He dialed her number, waiting anxiously for her to pick up. Before she could get out a hello, he said, “Where are you?”
“I’m spending time with my son,” Ava responded.
He sighed, felt his anger settle deep at his temples. “Ava, I need you to come back home so we can talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Andre. You said everything you needed to say last night.”
“Where are you?”
“Don’t worry about where I am. I never want you to ever worry about me again. Contrary to what you believe, I can take care of myself.”
“Ava—”
“I’m not a fragile, ninety-year-old lady,” she interrupted.
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not being ridiculous. That’s how you treat me...like I can’t do anything on my own. Like I have to have assistance just to walk up and down stairs or to get in my car. You insist on doing everything for me.”
Andre sighed. “Ava, just come back home so we can talk and get started with our weekend.”
“Our weekend? You’re bored, remember? So why don’t you go on an adventure or something, Dre? Or better yet, why don’t you just work? That’s what you would be doing if we were together anyway, so go ahead. Do it now. You’re free to do whatever you want without Andrew and I being in your way and holding you back.”
“Ava, you and Andrew are not—” he said and then the phone went silent. He looked at his cell to see if it was still connected, not believing she’d just hung up on him. But she did. Andre immediately dialed her number back.
He didn’t get an answer.
He sat down and shook his head. Even though he felt the way he did about his life as he had confessed to Todd, he didn’t want to hurt Ava. But telling her that he was bored on their family days had done just that.
From his perspective, hiding the truth from her was better than hurting her. But holding in his true feelings proved to be more detrimental than he thought it would be.
He sighed. This sucked, especially since he was the one who had convinced Ava that he would never grow to resent her. That he wouldn’t let her condition hold him back from loving her. He promised that he’d love her no matter what and while that was true, he couldn’t predict how he would feel now.
He buried his face in his hands, thinking of what to do next. He had to find out where she was so he could make things right between them.
* * *
After he’d showered, he called his mother-in-law, assuming that Ava was probably there, and if she wasn’t there, Maria would no doubt know where Ava would be.
Pacing the kitchen floor near the island, he dialed Maria’s number.
“Hi there, Andre,” she answered.
“Good morning, Maria. How are you this morning?”
“I’m well. What about you?”
“I could be better,” he said. A lot better. “By any chance is Ava over there?”
“No, she’s not.”
“Has she been by there this morning?”
“No, Andre. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything’s fine. I don’t mean to cause you any alarm. Ava’s just a little upset with me. I’m sure she’s fine, though. She’s probably out shopping or something. I’ll just try her cell phone again.”
“I’ll try her too.”
“Alright, Maria. Talk to you later.”
Andre sat down, feeling a wave of guilt consume him. He had no desire to eat breakfast. He had no desire to do anything but find out where Ava had run off to. As he sat alone in the house, he thought about what had transpired between them last night. Ava was actually trying to do something nice for him. She’d massaged him. Lit candles. Played soft tunes. And it was all for him.
Instead of being an appreciative husband, though, he’d fought her in every way possible to prevent making love to her. He didn’t want to push her away, but he didn’t want to hurt her either. But did that mean he had to make her feel like her efforts were a wasteful use of her time? That there was nothing she could do to satisfy him?
Chapter 4
Ava
. ~ . ~ .
I’M AT THE mall, sitting on a bench waiting for Sasha to meet me. Andrew is in his stroller, pulling the seat belt straps, trying to figure out how to free himself. He’s been extra antsy today, ready to run wild and play but he can’t play because I have him locked in a stroller. At the mall. I don’t even want to be here. In fact, I’d rather taken Andrew to a park and let him play himself asleep, but I didn’t want to risk seeing Andre. I love Andre to death, but I just can’t handle his presence at the moment – not after what he did to me last night.
I glance at my watch. It’s almost 11:30 a.m. Sasha was supposed to be here thirty minutes ago. Said she was picking up some dry cleaning on the way here.
I sigh and hang my head. I have no plans to do any shopping today, but I’m here, just for the sole reason of needing to get away, take a few breaths and evaluate what happened last night between Andre and I. Why? Because when we fight, I end up blaming myself. Like maybe I came on too strong to him. Maybe I’m not looking at things from his perspective.
I hear my phone ringing from my purse as it sits in basket at the bottom of Andrew’s stroller. I have no sense of urgency to look at it because I think its Andre calling again. These types of situations make me regret that I didn’t take the time to program specific ringtones for my phone contacts. Then I wouldn’t have to take the phone from my purse in order to know who was calling.
I reach for my purse, unzip it, then take the phone out, looking at the call log to see who’d just called. It was my mother. I immediately call her back.
“Ava,” she answers.
“Hey, mom. What are you up to?”
“I guess I should be asking you the same thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Andre just called me looking for you. What’s going on, Ava?”
“Nothing, Ma.” I roll my eyes, upset that Andre has alarmed my mother. “We just had a little disagreement,” I say to calm her down.
“You got my baby with you?”
I glance at Andrew. He’s still trying to get out of his stroller. “Yes. I have Andrew. I’m surprised you don’t hear him.”
“Why don’t you drop him off? I haven’t seen him in a few days.”
“Um...okay. I’ll probably bring him a little later,” I tell her. Then I see Sasha walking over to me. “Ma, I have to go. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay, dear. Bye.”
I hang up and smile at Sasha as she approaches. She’s dressed cute – in a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a black, ruffled blouse. Her hair is thrown back in a messy, yet stylish, ponytail.
“Hey, girlfriend,” she says, leaning down to hug me.
“Hey, Sasha.”
“And hi to you, lil’ Drew, or shall I say little Dre.” She giggles. “Girl that boy looks like his daddy.”
“Yeah, I know,” I tell her. Even when I’m mad at Andre I can’t get away from him because when I look at Andrew, I’m still looking at him. Ugh!
“So what are we doing today?” Sasha asks. I
can tell she’s in a good mood. She’s ready to get the day started like she’s down for whatever...ready to buy out the mall and I’m feeling like a total loser. All I really want to do is go home and crawl into bed behind a locked door where I can’t be bothered. But that’s one of my problems – I’m always in bed, weak and tired. I need energy.
“Um,” I finally look up at her and say. “Let’s just walk around for a while.”
“Okay.”
I stand to join her and we’re walking in the crowded mall near some clothing stores after just having passed Claire’s, Footlocker and Sears. Seems the entire city came here to shop today, like the mall stores are having some blowout sales or something.
“So how’s everything going?” I ask her.
“Good. Girl, lately, Todd has been hinting that he wants a baby.”
“Hmm...is that a good thing, or—”
“I’m not trying to lose my body but I have to say, if I snap back like you did, then it won’t be a problem. Only thing is, I don’t know if I will. I can see myself now, eating pickles, popcorn and pizza like a food junkie and gaining a hundred, or so, pounds.”
I laugh at her, though she’s partially right. “It won’t be so bad. I only gained thirty pounds when I was pregnant with Andrew.”
“Thirty pounds!” she squeals. “And you have the nerve to say only like thirty pounds is not a big deal.”
“Yeah, but you lose most of it right after you have the baby, Sasha.”
“I don’t know about all that,” she says, staring at a mannequin in the window display of a clothing store. “If I have a baby, my stomach will never fit in a one-piece romper like that ever again,” she says pointing at the outfit.
I laugh at her. It’s funny why some women choose not to have children.
“Hey, let’s go in here,” she says. “I need a black blazer.”
I follow her into the store and she begins to sift through the racks, looking at jeans, shirts and skirts. We have yet to reach the blazers. And as I’m looking with her, I remember why I never go shopping with Andrew. It’s difficult to freely maneuver through the aisles with a bulky, top-of-the-line stroller. Additionally, Andrew is alternating between screaming and crying. One minute he’s happy, the other he wants out of the stroller. The next, he wants a graham cracker, then his Sippy cup. Ugh.
“Sasha, let me ask you a question, because I guess I need another perspective on this issue I’m going through.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“So Andre and I got into a bad argument last night.”
“Uh-oh...man trouble...”
“Well, let me give you a little background first. So you know I had the open heart surgery and transplant...that whole thing, right?”
“Yeah,” she nods. “How do you feel by the way?”
“I feel fine. I’m a little tired and sluggish sometimes, but for the most part, I feel fine. But anyway, getting back to Andre...he will not touch me.”
Sasha frowns. “What does that mean?”
“It means he won’t touch me,” I tell her. “We went through this phase before when he was scared to touch me...afraid that he would hurt me and I thought he was over it, but we’re back there again. He won’t kiss me, hug me...he won’t even hold my hand unless I reach for his first.”
“Ooh...that’s not good. Usually when a man pulls away like that it means he’s got his eyes on someone else.”
“Thanks a lot, Sasha,” I say, mildly sarcastic.
“I hope that’s not the case, and I don’t see Andre doing something like that, but you have to read the signs, girl.”
“The signs?”
“Yeah. You said he won’t touch you, right?”
“Un-huh.”
“When was the last time you made love?”
“Uh...I don’t remember.”
“It’s been that long?” she asks with raised eyebrows.
“Yes.” I sigh and look around the store to make sure no one is in earshot of us. “I wanted to surprise him last night, so I put on some lingerie and gave him a massage. Then I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away. We argued and he said I was boring.”
Sasha’s mouth fell open. “He said that to you?”
I nod.
“He actually said you were boring?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. And I thought Todd was joking when he told me that.”
“Wait...what?” I ask her. The only way Todd could know anything is if Andre told him. And if Andre told him, then he was surely offloading his frustrations with me off on Todd. Now Todd knows everything my husband doesn’t like about me which, in turn, means that Sasha also knows.
“Listen, Ava...last night when Andre and Todd were out, Todd told me some things they talked about, and he did mention something about Andre telling him that he was bored. Andre had said something to the effect of not being able to travel and do interesting things because you were always sick.”
“But that’s not true. I’m not always sick.”
“Well, that’s what he said, and do me a favor...don’t mention I said anything to you about it. Todd would kill me if he knew I told you this.”
I fight back tears because my worst fears have been confirmed. Andre is beginning to resent me. I told him that he would, even when he had stood his ground, saying that he wouldn’t, going on and on about how he would always love me. How I was the only woman for him. How he’d never loved a woman before me. Now he hates me.
“Are you okay, Ava?”
In the back of my mind, Sasha’s question is floating around, but in the front is the thought that my marriage is headed for disaster.
My husband thinks I’m boring.
The worst thing about his summation of me is that I feel exactly what he thinks I am. Boring. I have no motivation to do anything. I like staying in bed, playing in the yard with Andrew and I prefer eating in versus eating out. I guess I am a person you would consider a homebody. I do like going out, but not too often. It’s because of the way I was raised...
Of course my mother knew everything there was to know about my condition, so to preserve me, she kept me sheltered and I adapted to it over the years. Being behind closed doors was my only way of life while my friends were living their wonderful, exciting, stress-free lives.
That’s why I had to break away from my mother. She didn’t realize what she was doing to me. Her shielding me from everything was doing more harm than good. That’s why I went to the Bahamas for that week – to get away from her and experience life on my own. It was the most freeing experience for me. And it was where I met Andre.
“Ava.”
I blink out of my trance and look at Sasha. “Yes?”
“Are you okay?”
“Oh...uh, yeah. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure? I probably shouldn’t have said anything. Now I feel terrible.”
“Sasha, it’s fine. I had a feeling Andre wasn’t happy. He tries hard to hide it from me, but I already know. He doesn’t even like being home anymore.”
“He’s probably just feeling some type of way...you know how men are.”
“No, not really. I don’t have much experience with men. Andre was my first...my first everything.”
“Really?”
I nod.
“Okay, well, just have a nice heart-to-heart with him.”
“Why? He’s not happy. That much is a given. What good is a heart-to-heart going to do when he doesn’t want to be with me?”
“Wait a minute girl. Let’s get out of this store. We can go to the food court and talk over lunch.”
* * *
In the food court, we both ordered Chinese food then sat at a table near an exit.
“Here’s the thing, Sasha,” I said, continuing our conversation from where we left off. “I knew my health would be an issue for Andre eventually, and all I’m saying is, if he’s not happy, why not just leave me instead of staying and pretending that everything is fine. Like he can tolerate i
t for now...you know what I mean?”
“Girl, stop it. You know Andre ain’t going nowhere.”
“But he wants to.”
“How do you know that for a fact?”
“Intuition. I can tell he’s had enough. He told me that his wants and needs have never mattered in our relationship as if to say that I’m selfishly using him to take care of me, and that’s not true. Most times, he’s on my back about taking medicine and making sure I’m eating right. I don’t ask him to do any of that. He just does it. As a matter of fact, I don’t want him to do anything for me, Sasha. And every...single...time I bring up the fact that I want to start an exercise routine, he says no.”
With raised eyebrows, Sasha says, “No? What do you mean he says no? You’re a grown woman, boo.”
“He says I can’t handle it. Told me that my body is not well enough to endure the strain of exercise. But I signed up for a gym membership anyway. I’m starting with a trainer on Monday.”
Andrew begins kicking and squirming for more rice. The boy loves rice more than he does milk.
“And what are you going to do when Andre finds out you joined a gym?” Sasha questions.
I shrug. “Go anyway. I can’t live in this box he’s trying to put me in. That’s the same thing my mother did to me as a teenager. Like you said...I’m a grown woman. I can’t let people make decisions for me anymore.”
“Gosh. This is a lot of drama, girl.”
“I know. I hate to drag you in this mess, but I had to talk to somebody.”
“Oh, by the way, are we still coming over for dinner tomorrow night?”
“Yep.”
“Okay...just thought I’d ask in light of everything.”
“Yeah, dinner is still planned as scheduled, but be prepared because it’s going to be extremely awkward.”
