by Ron Foster
“OK, I will tell you. This is a good one! I thought about this long and hard. You know that woman isn’t the easiest to buy for in the world and those boys came up with the gol-durndest idea I heard in a month of Sundays! So it’s pretty difficult to one up or compare to that idea. That’s pretty neat; I still can’t imagine how they came up with making an incubator out of a pizza warming display! Them two boys are some ingenious little critters!” Farley said, laughing.
“Damn it, Farley, you’re doing it again! Would you hurry up and just tell me what it is!” Becky said threatening him playfully with a table lamp next to him.
“OK, unhand that thing, Becky, and I will clue you all in on what it is.” Farley said, pointing at his bedspread that didn’t contain anything but a few wires, a jar, a transistor radio battery and what looked like a couple bits of silver wire.
“There it is! Isn’t it magnificent?” Farley said smirking.
“What in the hell do you think you are doing, Farley? Tell us what it is and quit toying with us. I told you that old woman was beside herself with curiosity and anger she couldn’t come along and I need to be getting back there before she blows a fuse!” Charlie said.
“Well I did tell you! We’re going to give her health and wealth for her birthday! But I’m missing some parts.” Farley declared.
“You going to be missing some of your own parts if you don’t explain what that pile of junk is all about!” Becky said, tired of Farley’s aggravating toying with them.
“We’re going to make her a colloidal silver generator! Why those things are about as useful as can be right now. It’s a business, it cures what ails you, she can dose the boys with it and it doesn’t taste bad and it will keep her busy and out of our hair!” Farley said still smirking.
“Now what in the hell is a colloidal silver generator? You aren’t just making that up to screw me more are you?” Becky asked eying the pile of junk next to Farley.
“Now calm down, this is for real. I ain’t making up anything, Becky. Silver is a cure all, don’t you know?” Farley began before Becky informed him she had her own cure for his meanness that he seemed to be relishing way too much in explaining whatever goofy idea he seemed to be taking his dear sweet time getting around to explaining.
“See, back in the day folks used to take a silver dollar and drop it in the milk jug to keep it from spoiling. Now hear me out, I ain’t bullshitting you, that actually works! See, silver in scientific studies was proven to kill, I think it was, over twenty six hundred germs on contact and no, I’m not talking about ones that come off of vampires or werewolves. I believe it was back in the 1930’s that modern medicine of that time came up with this cure all for man’s ills, but it was just too expensive back then for most people to be able to afford because the processes and technologies back then were just too complex to produce it easily. That’s the funny thing, they got all those cancer drugs and stuff nowadays that cost thousands and it’s not even comparable today. Now bear with me, Becky, I’ll get back to it now. The process today to make this magical elixir that I’m going to explain to you in a minute, and you hang in there too, Charlie, is simplicity itself! Now hear me out. You both know what electroplating is, right? Like for cheap costume jewelry, etc., well this works sort of the same way. If you want to plate a piece of metal with silver or gold or whatever, you hook a pure piece of precious metal to electricity and put a coating on the base metal. When you do this kind of process, you are transmuting the molecules of the precious metal through a medium like water and bonding them to another agent. Now when you leave those molecules suspended in the water and they got no where else to go we call that a colloidal medium. When you look at the water that you’ve done that to, it looks like regular water, you cannot tell that the bits of precious metal are suspended in that solution but they are there. Did you know that silver is the brightest of all metals? Now Biblically speaking or supernaturally talking, we know that light has been said to chase away evil. The silver has the properties of being able to reflect or absorb light and we know from our elementary science that light in it’s various forms is known to kill germs. Now I’m not saying that we are creating light we are merely turning this into another form. Colloidal silver can be ingested or topically applied to do many miraculous things. For example, you might not know this and I’ll be damned if I don’t know why it took modern science so long to catch up with what we already knew to be something as beneficial to the body as the discovery of penicillin was. For example, have you noticed now you can get bandages such as Band-Aids that have silver on them? And because the stupid doctors over- prescribed antibiotics and created superbugs that the chairs and sofas and such in hospitals now contain silver-impregnated fabrics so as to not pass on diseases by mere contact. The military even picked up on this and all your underwear and socks and such now contain either silver fibers or are electrostatically charged with silver to reduce microbes that can either infect you like foot disorders or it’s just there so you don’t smell like a goat after wearing them for a week or two.” Farley said clapping his hands together and saying “Hot Damn! Health and wealth! Do you get it?” to his now enchanted audience.
“Now what in the hell does them few bits of wires and those batteries have to do with the present? Hey, did you get those batteries out of the smoke detectors? I know you said the process is like electroplating but you also said it was a very difficult and expensive process and that’s why in the 1930’s it didn’t become popular. Where does the rest of this Frankenstein machine exist at that you said you were missing the part for?” Charlie asked.
“This isn’t another excuse of yours for us to let you go out pillaging is it, Farley?” Becky asked skeptically.
“No, it’s all right there, that’s it! All I got to do is find a better way of connecting those wires to those silver leads. Of course, I could just wrap the wires around the silver and be done with it but since it’s a birthday present I wanted to make it nice, pretty and easy. I need me some little alligator clips. I see ya’ll are still looking at me skeptically. I didn’t just invent this; this is true medicine that has been known for ages. Do you know why we call royalty ‘Blue Bloods’? That’s because this type of medicine and knowledge was only reserved for the rich and wealthy all the way back to the Middle Ages. Now before I finish the rest of my story, let me tell you this first. In normal usage, colloidal silver has no side effects but if you abuse it and overdose on it like some of those folks did back then, your skin will take on a grayish or bluish hue and you’ll look like a Smurf! But that effect only becomes apparent when you mega dose that over a long period of time.” Farley said fiddling with the bit of wire like it was the most important thing in the world to tell somebody and his disbelieving audience looked up at him like they were still waiting for the punch line.
“I see ya’ll still disbelievers, huh? I got in my preps my own commercially made version of what we’re doing and it’s the same damn thing that we are making except it don’t have a pretty box already made up for it.” Farley said reaching over to display his own unit for creating the best medicine he knew in a grid down apocalyptic world.
“Look here, here’s the directions come with the thing and a listing of the many studies and benefits of this thing so ya’ll will quit being such doubting Thomases.” Farley said as he handed them the directions.
Becky and Charlie examined Farley’s commercial silver colloidal maker and read over the paperwork describing it’s many benefits and both of them started grinning about how Farley actually had come up with such a wonderful present of health and wealth for Miss Feng.
“Now that’s cool as hell, Farley! You ought to give it to her. you came up with it!” Becky said somewhat deflated at the notion she couldn’t share in the giving because after all it was Farley’s thoughts.
“Becky, you got to contribute to this and you are going to have to give up something here that I happened to notice you have. You know that cobalt blue bottle dropper of Pa
tchouli perfume you got around? Silver needs to be stored long term in something like peroxide does that doesn’t get light but isn’t that weird though? Silver is the most conductive and reflective material known to man to reflect or collect light but to keep the suspended particles in a water solution it needs to be hidden from light. You need to pour whatever is in that bottle in something else and wash it out good, and add your special gift that can no longer be found, to the present.” Farley said elevating her spirits.
“Now Charlie, as for your special addition to it, all you have to do is hand it to her and tell her that you are bestowing health and wealth upon her or if you want to you can take these various parts and pieces and find a special container to put them in. Now back to me wanting alligator clips. Can I go to the marina?” Farley asked with a wry smile.
“You are a dog, Farley! A sweet dog but a damn conniving one! And I suppose if we give you permission to go, you’ll be absconding with your stuff too, it isn’t just going to be parts for the birthday!” Charlie said with a smile.
“You aren’t going to that damn marina, Farley! I know if you came up with this idea you ought to be able to come up with another idea of something to use that you could find around here that don’t require your pilfering ways!” Becky admonished.
“I tell you what we ought to do now, she’ll have a conniption fit but since it’s her birthday and it’s a present she won’t voice it very loudly at first. What we ought to do is once you decide, Charlie, what you are going to put the makings of that silver generator in, we’ll put it inside of a tackle box and wrap it all up! She’ll think we’re giving her fishing tackle and won’t know what to do at first.” Farley said with a grin.
“I have been thinking about what kind of box to put that stuff in; she isn’t going to know what the hell it is anyway until we tell her. I suppose I could make one for her out of an old desk drawer or something but other than that I don’t have too many ideas.” Charlie said looking to Farley and Becky for any suggestions.
The trio pondered that question for a moment and then Becky came up with the perfect solution.
“I saw at the check in desk a brass unicorn box they were using for stamps. Why don’t you put it in that one and polish it up real nice for her? But we don’t have any wrapping paper, Farley, how are we going to fix that?” Becky asked.
“Oh I got that! I saw a Home and Garden magazine with lots of flowers and stuff in it; wrap it up in that and it’ll be pretty and functioning.” Farley stated happily.
“Hell yeah!” Charlie said giving Farley a high five as Becky gave him a hug for coming up with such a stupendous idea.
“Oh shit! Here comes the wicked witch from the West!” Charlie said looking out the window at the approaching golf cart. “I guess her patience has run out!”
“I told you! Let me go head her off and tell her that me and you ain’t over here just drinking beer or having a party that she wasn’t invited to. But I’m surprised she decided to head this way so soon.” Charlie said as he proceeded to walk out the door to Farley and Becky’s giggling about him being put on the spot.
“Lizards! There’s lizards in house! You got to come, Charlie, catch him!” Miss Feng said eying Farley like he was probably the one that set it loose.
“Why you got to come all the way down here to tell me that? You could have got one of the boys to get it!” Charlie said wondering if it was just a ruse to get her down here to see what they were up to.
“Where them boys at anyway? Everybody secret secret around here these days. No worry about Miss Feng got Godzilla lizard in her kitchen!” She declared.
“Yeah, where are those two little heathens, anyway?” Farley asked, thinking about it.
“They’re probably down there at the fishing pier.” Becky said knowing that they were busily watching their egg incubator to see if any chicks popped out and not heeding her advice about a watched pot never boils.
“Farley, you go find boys. Tell Fong it lunch time! And I no have me water for toilet and I need now!” Miss Feng said.
“Why me?” Farley questioned before thinking ‘oh hell, it beat staying around here anyway’ and headed out the door.
“I want to talk to you, too. Farley being dinky dau again and I worry about. You know what he do? And don’t you laugh, Becky. I saw him running around other day with you bra on his head singing Mickey Mouse or something! But I worry. He no stay in house when everybody else go to bed. He creep around at night. What he do, Becky?” Feng asked.
“What do you mean he do? You know him, he disappears sometimes.” Becky said, not adding that it was usually because Feng or her was fussing at him.
“I get up middle of the night go take pee and damn Farley I see sneaking down the road. What he do Becky? He supposed to be in bed, be asleep and not being bad Farley.” Miss Feng asked questioning.
Charlie looked over at Becky with a look of bewilderment not having heard about Farley’s alleged night jaunts.
“Miss Feng, I don’t know. He goes back to his cabin and says he’s going to bed. I see the light on in his cabin and he says he’s listening to the radio and going through his stuff but I didn’t know he left his cabin.” Becky said now concerned about what Farley was up to.
“I see him with Jeremy one night when the moon was high, both sneaking around when sane folks in bed! You ask boy what Farley do.” Miss Feng declared looking around to see if she could catch sight of the boys or Farley supposedly looking for them.
“Wait a minute now! Farley was sneaking around after midnight with my son? Why that little goomer. I’m going to have to have a talk with him! What do you think they were doing, Charlie? You think he was checking fish lines or traps at that odd hour and if he was, why was Jeremy sneaking out and not telling me?” Becky declared adding an extra check mark to Farley’s misdeed shit list.
“I got no idea! He ain’t said nothing to me. This is the first I heard of it. You reckon Fong is in on it too?” Charlie asked contemplating why Farley might be sneaking around let alone involving Becky’s boy Jeremy in whatever he was doing.
“No, me check, Fong in bed like good boy, asleep. Only crazy Farley wandering around when sane folks in bed!” Miss Feng said eying Becky like she knew something she wasn’t saying.
“Don’t be mad at me, Feng! I didn’t even know Jeremy snuck out before let alone with Farley! You know Farley sneaks off and drinks sometimes by himself but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do that with my boy around.” Becky said more confused than ever.
“I guess I need to go talk to that man, this sounds kind of serious. I know he isn’t doing anything too terribly wrong but I damn sure want to know what it is that he is doing!” Charlie said starting to rise and go find him.
Charlie walked down the road after thinking about taking Miss Feng’s golf cart but he knew better than that and left the ladies to contemplate and speculate on Farley’s evil ways. Now the major question was where is that son of a bitch at and where were the boys at? He kind of guessed that they were over by the maintenance shed where Feng’s chicken incubator was hidden at until her birthday so he proceeded in that direction.
“Dammit! What in the hell could Farley possibly be doing sneaking around at night? Now if he was off pilfering like he wasn’t supposed to be, he damn sure wouldn’t be walking the camp trails at night, let alone be bringing Jeremy along with him. And if he wasn’t checking fish lines or traps, what else could he be doing?” Charlie said to himself quite vexed by the situation.
Charlie approached the amphitheatre to take the shortcut trail to the utility shed and was rewarded with the sound of giggling boys. Farley was evidently regaling them with one of his wild tales and Charlie approached around the back path to get there so as to not be so apparent in his approach. He liked Farley and he knew he was a pretty good soul normally, still in all he reminded himself, it was still a Farley and he wanted to know just what in the hell they were up to. As he approached by the side trail to the meeting plac
e this camp had for celebrations and such, his nostrils caught the smell of wood smoke and something else kind of acrid.
“What the hell is that smell? I have told them boys the only fires that were allowed were the cook fires. Farley didn’t have time enough to start a fire to smoke any meat or anything and why in the hell would he be doing it back here, and for that matter what in the hell was it he was smoking? He already told me he wasn’t studying eating no skunk.”
As Charlie eased himself around a bush to get a better look and sneak up on the boys and Farley, he saw an unwelcome sight.
That son of a bitch has got him a moonshine still! And he’s got the damn boys helping him with it!
“Farley, you son of a bitch! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Charlie hollered while walking out into the clearing as Farley and the boys turned to look at him with ‘oh Hell, we’re dead’ looks on their faces.
“We’re making turpentine.” Farley tried to say before he noticed that Charlie wasn’t going to buy that. Jeremy gave it a try and said “Actually we’re making ethanol for the cars to run on when the gas runs out.” Fong on the other hand knew better than to even try to lie to his uncle and just sort of tried to stay quiet.
