by Bella Grant
The email showed up that afternoon after I had crawled back to the hospital and slumped into my chair. I didn’t pay attention to my wide-open door when I slammed my fists hard down onto my desk. Vickie scurried into my office not long after, concern etched all over her face.
“Are you all right? Is there anything I can do?” she enquired.
“Will you shut the door and have a seat? We need to talk,” I requested, and she did as I asked.
Without another thought, everything poured right out of my mouth. I told her about my initial thoughts about Fiona—how pretty I thought she was, how I was suddenly in over my head, and that Fiona shared my feelings. I told her about our shared hobby of video games and banter. About how comforting it was to be in her presence and vice versa. How I held her not once, but twice, when she desperately needed me to. The one piece of information I kept out was the night with Fiona in my office, but the rest…the rest was all laid out to be judged by my mousey and rather motherly secretary. I held my breath after I was done and waited.
To my surprise, she wasn’t shocked or surprised, or…well, anything really. She did exactly as I demanded of her. She listened. She didn’t butt in and didn’t ask questions. Nothing. I started to wonder about how great a therapist she could be herself.
“So…” I opened the door for my own execution.
“So?” She didn't pick up the axe. “You fell in love with one of your patients. A beautiful young woman who shares similar interests as you and keeps you on your toes. I would be shocked if you didn’t end up falling for her before someone else came and swept her off her feet,” she explained calmly. I was stunned.
Who the hell is this woman and why has she not spoken so bluntly before?
“Dr. Sullivan, if you came to me for comfort or pity, I cannot give you either of those. You know as well as the next doctor that you have to make this choice on your own. No amount of advice from me, Dr. Sampson, or even your own mother will aid you in your current predicament. You are only human, after all, not Superman. But…” She stood up and dusted off her dress pants. “Even Superman had his weaknesses.”
Dinner and wine on me—hell, even a trip to Disneyland with her family. It’s what Vickie deserved after everything she had done for me. I would buy the tickets that afternoon and surprise her on her birthday, which was less than a month away.
“Will that be all then?” she asked as she clasped her fingers in front of her. She was ready for the next point on the agenda, as if what I had just gushed to her about wasn’t a big deal.
I gave her the softest smile. “Tomorrow I have a 7:30 a.m. meeting with Mr. Dean. Please push back my appointments a half hour. Oh, and thank you, Vickie. Please close the door behind you.”
She nodded and left me to rotate my chair to my window. I observed as a man, probably in his early twenties, shifted from one foot to the next as he waited for someone. That someone came out not long after, a young blonde girl who ran right into his arms. He picked her up and swung her around, kissing her cheeks, her lips, and her hair. I witnessed them leave hand in hand, just as I had when Fiona left with Lisa. The feeling of emptiness washed over me.
That’s how I’d wanted to leave the park with Fiona. Hand in hand. Not Fiona upset and stomping away from me with me standing there like an idiot. I never wished to see her cry because of me. I glanced down at my phone in my hand. The itch to text her waited to be scratched. I glanced at the challenging pile on my desk and knew exactly what I had to do. My phone was put on silent mode as I got back to work. Since Dr. Sampson had taken a few new patients off my hands, I had more than enough time between sessions to dictate and read through every single file. I made another note to get a little something for my transcriptionist as well, whose work also suffered due to my slacking.
After working well into the night, my tasks were completed, and this morning, I felt oddly satisfied for the first time in a while. I sat down and drew my phone from my lab coat and reread the text I’d sent late last night. It took a while to come up with the right words, and I worried she would simply ignore me. Still, I took a much-needed break and sent it. Once her text came through around midnight, I couldn’t help but to reread it before I checked the time.
The time read 7:23 a.m. I picked up my coffee and made my way down the hall to Mr. Dean’s office. Once I got to the door with his name on it, I knocked twice before I heard a cough and then a “come in.” I took a deep breath and put my best face on as I turned the brass knob and stepped in to see Mr. Dean at his desk. The man always looked the same, so crisp and clean. He was an older man in his early sixties and had run the hospital as the head honcho for well over twenty years. What he had left of his hair was white. He was plump but wore well-fitted suits and a gold Rolex on his wrist, giving off a vibe of high esteem.
He was in the middle of cutting up an omelet when he acknowledged me with soft blue eyes.
“Ah, Dr. Sullivan, please take a seat.” He dropped his utensils to shake my hand as I sat down in one of the black leather chairs that faced his dark mahogany desk. This man sure had expensive taste, but considering his position, he could afford it.
“Mr. Dean, it’s always a pleasure. How is the Mrs. and the kids?” I enquired, exploring small talk before we got down to the nitty gritty.
“Mrs. Dean is busy redecorating our home for what seems like the tenth time in my lifetime. I swear that woman has too much time and too much of my money on her hands. The kids are doing great. Rebecca is back to work at the veterinary hospital after she gave birth to Jax, and Drew is almost finished with his residency,” he responded between bites.
“That’s great to hear. They always did have good heads on their shoulders,” I said as I took a sip of my coffee.
“Yes, I couldn’t be prouder of them. How about you—how are your parents? Any kids in your near future?”
I choked on my coffee. “Kids? Sir, I’m not even married yet,” I choked, and he handed me a napkin to cough into.
“I know. I said in the near future, did I not? I can’t have my best psychiatrist running off on me just yet, can I?”
I left his questions to linger in the air as the sound of my coughs calmed. I wiped my mouth clean. “Actually, sir, about that…”
“Please, no sir in here. Call me Robert.”
I swallowed the next cough. “Okay, Robert. I wanted to talk to you about some changes I would like regarding my position here in the hospital,” I stated calmly.
He went back to his omelet and put another forkful in his mouth. “Is this why you have given Dr. Sampson some of your patients? Has your workload become too much for you? Because if that is the case, I can have them start spreading out the new patients and—”
“No, that’s not it,” I busted out before he could finish. Both of us were surprised. I was never one to interrupt anyone, especially not my boss. “Look, sir, with all due respect, that is not exactly the case here. I mean, yes, my case load is large and a little daunting, but it’s not the reason I’m thinking about”—I took a deep breath— “a change of scenery.”
He put his fork down and folded his hands under his chin. “Go on.”
I put my cup on the desk and sat up straighter. “Well, you see, I actually have thought about starting a family soon, and well… what it would take to obtain that. You know as well as I do how I’ve strived for this career and this distinguished title for as long as I can remember. Well, now that I’m at my peak, I’m ready for something new. Sir… I mean Robert… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and research over the past month and…” I peered into his eyes as I stated the rest calmly, “I’d like to try my hand at opening my own private practice.”
His left eye twitched, but I explained myself. “I know you're probably as shocked as I was thinking about this, but I want a healthier life for myself. Mentally and physically, I live and breathe this hospital. Shoot, I sleep here more than I do at my own place. I mean, how can I be here for my patients when I am not even taking
care of myself properly? It’s wearing me down. I know you can see it or you wouldn’t have called me in here. I know the first year will be hard, getting started, but I’m ready to make the jump and when it starts to grow, I plan on hiring other psychiatrists and therapists to take the reins so I can hop in the back seat.”
He sighed and leaned back into his own oversized office chair. “Dr. Sullivan, I gotta say, this was not the conversation I expected to have with you today. I simply thought a change of pace was what you needed. This though… this is absurd. How can you leave something you have worked on for so long to start back at the bottom?” he questioned, and I could hear the sternness in his tone.
I knew he would question my choice and I wasn’t hurt by it. He was a dad, after all, and I knew he watched over me like any proud father would. I refrained from smiling at how much he cared for his employees.
“I know it may sound absurd to you, but if I am ever to have my own family to raise and be proud of, like yourself, how am I going to find that when I’m here all the time? I need to be somewhere I can personally manage my own case load and have more time to raise a family.”
“Sullivan, you’re one of the best on the team. I get what you’re saying. Believe me, I do. Sometimes I look back and kick myself for being here more than at home but I had to do what I needed to, to provide for my family, and that kept me going. You, though, you are so young still. Surely we can negotiate this and perhaps I could persuade you to stay.” He placed his empty plate to the side and presented paperwork from the drawer of his desk. “Let’s see, when was the last time I gave you a proper raise?” he said absentmindedly while he put on some reading glasses.
I smirked as he licked the corners of each page delicately as he went through them. I knew it would come to this. After all, he was a businessman on top of being a dad.
“Robert, please, there’s no need for that. Believe it or not, no amount of money will change my mind,” I argued as I stood up slowly.
He stopped mid-lick and eyed me above his glasses. Silence filled the space between us as he studied me for a few minutes. He must have concluded the look on my face revealed my seriousness because the next thing he did was pull out a binder from the same drawer. The binder plopped down in front of us.
“All right. How much longer do I have you for?”
I grinned, and together, we went over the large amount of paperwork that would be the first step towards my new future. One I couldn’t wait to share with a certain someone, who I hoped still felt the same.
Just wait a little longer, Fiona. I promise it will be worth it.
CHAPTER 22
I sipped on the iced tea in my hands as I sat on the familiar leather couch. My legs were crossed, and I couldn’t keep my ankle from rolling out of impatience. I looked at the wall clock. 1:15, which meant Josh was fifteen minutes late to the appointment he had insisted we move up due to my recent hospitalization.
Vickie even seemed off. I mean, she still greeted me warmly and had an iced tea and a blueberry muffin waiting for me. I wasn’t sure if it was simply out of kindness or the fact that Dr. Sullivan was late, but it threw me off, nonetheless. Not to mention I was allowed to wait in his office for him with the door closed, unlike before.
Perhaps it was because I was an outpatient, or maybe she knew something I didn’t. Regardless, I was left to my own devices and my patience was wearing thin. I was half tempted to find the controllers in his desk and play a round of Halo without him. I could already hear him scolding me about it, so I figured a good stretch would help ease my mind.
As I got up and smoothed my long, mint skirt, he came barreling into his office, panting like he had run a marathon to get here.
“Fiona, thank God you’re here,” he breathed as he held onto the arm of the couch.
“Of course I’m here. This is my one session with you for like three months,” I quipped, annoyed, yet my feet went to him. “Are you all right? Why are you sweating like a pig?”
He laughed, and the low sound of it melted a bit of the ice surrounding me. “Because I have been in a meeting with my boss all morning and just got to my rounds before you came in,” he replied and straightened to remove his lab coat and revealed a grey tee that showed off his arms and broad chest, perhaps a little too well. I averted my eyes so I wouldn't blush, but he caught me.
“Casual Thursday today.” He grinned, his hands on his hips, clearly impressed with himself.
I rolled my eyes and turned so my back was to him to refocus on why I was here. Why I had actually showed up, reminding myself I was annoyed and restless.
“Well, someone is in a rather good mood for being in a meeting all morning with his boss. I’m assuming congratulations are in order for some promotion?” And hopefully one with a decent raise, I thought to myself. I heard the steps before I felt the masculine arms around me.
“It’s because I have good news to share, and I want you to be the first person to hear it,” he spoke into my ear, and my body automatically shivered in response. I pushed out of his arms and sensed he was confused by my reaction.
“Josh, please…” I whimpered and hoped he would take the hint to keep his distance. I was so fragile around him.
“Fiona, I had hoped my text last night would have sufficed, but I know you need more than mere words. I need you to hear me out, can you do that? I want you to know ahead of time that what I’m about to tell you is I’m not leaving you. It’s quite the opposite…”
I didn’t move but held my breath and the tears, and lifted my head to the ceiling to keep them from falling. “Go on, I’m listening,” I managed to get out, even though my voice quivered.
“Fiona, I…I quit my job at the hospital.”
I spun around, and the breath I held whooshed out. “You what?” My heart dropped into my stomach.
He took a cautious step towards me. “I quit my job today. That’s why I’ve been in a meeting all morning. It took some convincing on my part since my boss doesn’t want to see me go, but I did it. I made the first step to being with you,” he explained shyly, and his grin widened when he ended his little speech.
He waited for me to respond, and I knew he expected me to simply turn around and throw my arms around him. To tell him how wonderful his news was. For him to spin me in the air as we kissed and laughed and cried tears of joys. We could finally be together, without the obstacles of being doctor and patient. Yet my feet remained planted, the severity of the issue only known by me.
“What will you do now?” I asked and attempted to smile a little for his sake but kept my distance. The little one in my belly occupied my thoughts. What would his/her future be if her father quit his job for my sake? I couldn’t put off the unexpected news any longer.
His shoulders slumped a little, but his smile didn’t lessen. “Well, I figured I have a good enough reputation I could start my own private practice away from the hospital. I’ve got a good chunk of change put away and figured the best use of it would be to put it into a startup. Mr. Dean said he would back me and help me along the way. He even said he would put me at the top of the recommendation list for outpatient services when the in-house one was overbooked.”
I didn’t say a word, which egged him on.
“Don’t you see? I did this because I want to be with you without all the secrets and hiding. I want to be able to kiss you anywhere and everywhere.” He sat on the couch and took my hand in his. His eyes shone with hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams I was about to crush with my news. Before I could speak, he continued.
“I guess what I’m trying to say here is that, well, I’m in love with you, Fiona, and I want to start a real relationship with you. One I hope will be in my near future. I’ve always wanted to branch off on my own, and you coming into my life motivated me to do so. Because I love you. There’s my answer. There’s why I asked you to wait. I hope it was worth it,” he said and kissed my knuckles as the tears rolled down my cheeks.
He loved me. He final
ly said out loud everything I felt. He’d even prepared a speech for me, wrapped up in a bow and ready for me to open it, and I wanted to respond with how much I loved him too. I wanted to open my arms and invite him in, to let him know he wasn’t alone, and I felt the same way. But…
“I can’t.” It slipped out before I even realized it.
“You what?” he asked, his voice barely louder than mine.
“I can’t.” I spoke louder and jerked my hand away. I marched to the other side of the room. I have to. I have to tell him. Before it’s too late.
“Fiona, you can’t what? Be with me?” I heard the heartbreak in his voice before I faced him.
“I can’t do this to you. I have to tell you,” I cried. “Josh, I have some news of my own that I should have told you sooner, I’m…I’m pregnant. With your baby.” My voice was barely above a whisper, but he heard me loud and clear.
His mouth hung open, the grin on his face now gone. He didn’t even have to say anything. I knew from the look on his face.
“Look, I’m sorry for crushing your dreams of being with me and having you own practice and all, but I had to tell you. I-I’m sorry,” I whimpered and turned to leave. He was up before I could turn the knob.
“Fiona, wait. Running away from this won’t solve anything.” His voice was strained, and I couldn’t face him as I became hysterical with emotions and jumbled words.
“I’m so sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I wanted to. I tried to, but every time I was close to saying or texting the words, I froze and pushed it away,” I cried to the wall adjacent to the door.
“How long have you known?” he asked quietly.
“For two weeks,” I blubbered. “I started vomiting two weeks after we were together. I thought it was the flu, then Lisa convinced me otherwise and all three tests I took say I’m pregnant. I haven’t had a chance to go to my gyno to confirm because well, because…”
“Of the panic attack. So it did have something to do with me. You were panicking about telling me.” It wasn’t a question but statements threaded together as he said them out loud.
