by Lynda Aicher
Laughing, he rolled his shoulders, loosening the remaining tension. “More than we want to know.”
She gave an exaggerated shudder. “I don’t need anyone else watching me.”
The tightness across his shoulders returned instantly. “Who else is watching you?” His voice sounded sharper than he’d intended, and she leveled him with the same narrow-eyed stare that he gave her.
“No one...besides you,” she said, the challenge laid down for him to deny.
He couldn’t. The fact that he’d been caught picked at his pride. “Not in the way you meant. I’ve watched you because you interest me. Who else is watching you that’s put you so on edge?”
“No one,” she gritted out.
“Now you’re lying.”
She whipped around like he’d hit her with his harsh statement.
He winced at his error, taking a breath before explaining. “Only people who’ve had their privacy invaded know what it feels like to be spied on like that. It’s like an unknown survival instinct that hones in quick and precise when it senses danger.”
“Is that why all kinds of warning lights go off whenever you’re around?”
He stopped now and waited until she turned back to look at him with wary eyes. “Do they, really? The warning lights?”
Every emotion drained from her face to reveal nothing but blankness, making him uncertain if she would answer. Christ, he wanted to know what caused her to be so guarded. Would she ever trust him enough to tell the details?
“You have to know by now that I would never harm you, Kendra.” She didn’t back away as he took the three steps, bringing them chest to chest. “So what are those warnings really about?” Taking a chance, he reached out and stroked the back of his fingers over her rosy cheek. Her skin was chilled despite her flush.
Her breath stuttered when she inhaled and her eyelids drifted down in a sensual half close even as her hands fisted at her sides. “I’m not afraid of you physically hurting me more than I want,” she said quietly. “In or out of a Scene. You’ve proven that to me. It’s all of the other ways you can hurt me that make the lights go off.”
There it was. The first indication from her that maybe what they had, what they were doing, was more than just Scenes in the Dungeon.
He tilted her chin up to see her face. “How can I make them stop?”
She swallowed, hesitating. “I don’t know.”
He admired her honesty. He couldn’t ask for more than that right now. Leaning down, he brushed his lips over hers, wanting to reassure her. Wanting more than anything just to hold her. It was a chaste kiss by club standards, a light touching of warm lips that slowly nibbled and nipped at each other before he pulled away.
Her eyes were wide with wonder and confusion, so many things flashing in their depths that he couldn’t catch them all. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her breath fanning his cheek.
He wrapped her in his arms, tugging her in for a hug as he’d ached to do. “There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he reassured, his lips grazing her temple, the tiny curl there tickling.
He closed his eyes, savoring the moment when her arms went around his waist and she let her weight sink into his. For once in his life, everything else faded away. He was aware of only her. Her warm breath against his neck, the wisp of lilac, her breasts where they pressed to his chest. This was a trust that went outside of the club, outside of a Scene. And God, he hadn’t realized how much he’d wanted it until she’d given it to him just now.
They stood like that until she started to shiver. “You’re getting chilled,” he said as he loosened his hold, and she did the same.
They finished the walk in comfortable silence. When they got back to the corner of their condo building where they’d split to their own units, he paused. “Would you mind if I joined you again?” Another chance meeting on the trail wouldn’t get past her as coincidence.
She thought about it for a moment. “I don’t have a set time that I run each day.”
He caught himself right before he responded with I know. The grin she gave him said she knew that too. He chuckled. “Right. How about you text me when you’re heading out, and I’ll meet you if I can?” They’d exchanged cell numbers right after signing the contract, making it easier to schedule sessions.
She assessed him for a second before turning toward her condo. She glanced over her shoulder as she left. “I’ll think about it.” Taking off in a light jog, she didn’t look back again as he watched her until she went up the path to her unit, waving and chatting briefly with her neighbor, Edith Jennings, before heading inside.
This meeting hadn’t been an out-of-the-park success, but it wasn’t a strikeout either. Baby steps. That’s what he was taking with her. Lots and lots of baby steps. He had no clue if his patience would be rewarded. But with her, he had to try.
Once again she had evaded anything personal about herself. He could find out more on his own, but he wouldn’t break her trust like that. She’d tell when she was ready.
When she could trust him.
He just had figure out what he needed to do to fully earn it. If he ever could.
Chapter Fifteen
“You cold?” Cali asked, noticing the shiver Kendra couldn’t suppress.
She tucked her hands under her legs, the snug spot a warm place for her icy fingers. The room wasn’t cold, not really. With the fire burning across the room in the gas fireplace and the aroma of coffee filling the space, it was actually quite cozy. But she couldn’t seem to shake the chill that had settled under her skin.
Coffee time with Cali and Allie was one of the things Kendra looked forward to each week. Yet she couldn’t get into the light chatter today.
She moved her hands to cradle the coffee cup, looking for some residual warmth, and made an effort. “I’m fine. How’s the new client going?” Cali’s bookkeeping business had been the topic of many conversations since the three women had started meeting for Saturday coffee last summer.
“They’re fine.” She brushed off the subject with a wave of her hand. “Disorganized as heck, but I’ll get them figured out. Or their books, at least. I can’t do much for the rest of the place.” She shook her head, a look of disbelief mixed with disgust on her face.
“I hear you,” Allie piped in. “I don’t know how people can manage to work in total chaos. There are lawyers in our firm who can barely find their desks. It would drive me nuts.”
“I agree.” Cali leaned on the table tucking her hair behind her ear, the shoulder-length blond strands smooth and silky as always. Even on a Saturday afternoon, she was neatly put together in black slacks and a burgundy turtleneck sweater. Cashmere, if Kendra guessed right. “I can’t stand to work with piles of random papers stacked around me. Of course, that usually presents a problem when I go into customer sites.”
The other women laughed in their mutual agreement, and Kendra pushed back her chair heading to the kitchen for more coffee. She couldn’t sit still. It’d been five days since she’d been to The Den. Only five pitiful days since her last session with Deklan, and her body was acting like it was deep in withdrawals. It was insane.
She rubbed her palms on the jeans, tried to generate some circulation in her fingers before picking up the coffee pot. The stress of wondering when Eric would strike next, of when he’d drop in and ruin this nice little world she’d made for herself, was getting to her. The letter was a taunt that was working exactly as he’d wanted it to.
On top of that, she’d finally admitted to herself that Deklan was getting to her too. Their schedules had been off that week so she hadn’t even seen him for their runs, which she’d somehow allowed herself to get used to. This was the longest she’d gone without seeing him since they’d signed the contract, and it really pissed her off that she missed him. Not just the sessions, but him. Damn it. She didn’t want these feelings.
“Do either of you want more?” She held up the pot, trying to focus back on the conversation in the room. At their consen
t, she took it with her back to the small breakfast table. By some unspoken agreement, the three of them always met at Cali’s house for coffee. It was comfortable here, homey in a way that Kendra’s place wasn’t even close to being.
“Did you work today?” Allie asked.
Kendra returned the now-empty pot to the coffee machine and switched it off as she answered. “I did the early morning shift.” Her shelf stocker job at Target wasn’t her life goal. Hell, it wasn’t even close to what she’d envisioned for her life. But it paid her bills and kept her hidden for now.
Allie watched her as she rejoined them at the table, steaming cup of coffee in her hands. “Why do you work there anyway?”
Allie’s directness, although jarring, was not surprising. “Because they pay me.” She kept her face passive. It was the truth, after all.
Allie shoved her curly hair away from her face and leaned in, her posture forceful like she was gearing up to grill a defendant. Her brown eyes narrowed as she assessed Kendra, her intensity undiminished by her casual attire. Even in jeans and a sweater, Allie could pull off the lawyer inquisition with ease. “But it’s obvious that you can do better than that. You’re intelligent, educated, well-spoken...so what gives? What are you hiding from?”
“Allie,” Cali snapped, shooting an annoyed glare at her. “Let it go. It’s not our business.”
“What?” Allie raised her brows. “Am I wrong?”
“It’s okay,” Kendra found herself saying, laying a hand over Cali’s arm before she could respond to their pushy friend. She gave Cali a smile of reassurance at her concerned expression. “Maybe it’s time I talk about it.” She needed to do something before she combusted.
Cali covered Kendra’s hand with her own, her warmth easing into Kendra’s frozen fingers as she searched Kendra’s face. “You sure? It’s up to you, of course. Don’t let us pressure you into talking about anything.”
Kendra pulled her hand away and stared at her coffee. Was she sure? She didn’t know for certain but it felt right. Finally. She couldn’t run forever. Maybe it was time to face this part of her past as well. Her many sessions with Deklan over the last six weeks were helping her overcome her pain issues. Or more truthfully, come to accept her pain desires. A part of her healing process meant accepting who she was, and that included all of her past as well. Talking about it with friends was another step in establishing trust and moving forward.
“Hey,” Allie said, breaking into Kendra’s thoughts. “We only want to help. We’ve been worried about you for a while.”
Kendra gave them a weak smile and hid her nerves behind a sip of coffee. Fortunately her hands weren’t shaking enough for anyone to notice. Her stomach churned and did a small flip as the warm liquid hit it, and she took a deep breath to keep the coffee down. “Thanks,” she finally managed to say as she set her cup down. “That means a lot.”
“You know we’re here for you no matter what, right?” Cali looked at Kendra until she nodded. Cali gave a small laugh. “Heck, if you guys can accept my admission about being a submissive, then I doubt there’s much that would stop us from accepting whatever’s haunting you.”
“Hey.” Allie straightened, hands propped on the table, ready to push to a stand. “Do I need to get the Jack back out?”
“No!” The other two said in unison as Cali grabbed Allie’s arm to keep her from rising.
They all laughed at the memory of the last time she’d brought over a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and they’d ended up wasted and babbling like school girls. Of course, that was when Cali had found the courage to admit her secret. Only Kendra knew she needed to find her own courage to talk about the skeletons in her closet.
Allie slumped back in her chair and gave Kendra a reassuring smile. “Okay, no booze. But we’ll still listen.”
Again she was at a loss. She fidgeted with the mug, traced the path of the handle up and down the long curve as she gathered her thoughts. Exhaling, she cut a quick glance at Cali, who gave an encouraging nod. Okay, she could do this. No, she needed to do this.
“I like pain,” she blurted out then cringed. That was the wrong place to start, but it was out there now. She rushed on, hoping to clarify the statement before the other women thought she was completely mad. “What I mean is...I enjoy...” She swallowed and drilled a hole in the table with her stare. “I’m a masochist,” she finally whispered. Saying it out loud left her chilled and flustered at once.
She squeezed her eyes closed, her shoulders hunched as she waited for her friends to call her crazy or sick or demented. A soft “oh” came from Allie, but there was nothing from Cali.
The low hiss of the gas fireplace pierced through the air, seeming loud in the too-quiet room. Kendra’s leg bounced in a nervous jitter under the table as the silence grew, lengthening to an unbearable span that almost had her bolting from her seat. Did she just push the tolerance of her friends too far? They had to think she was a complete loser to like pain.
The soft touch on her arm made her jump, but she couldn’t look up. “Kendra,” Cali said quietly, her voice matching her touch. “What does that have to do with why you’re hiding?”
“How do you know I’m hiding?”
“We don’t exactly,” answered Allie. “But we’re not blind. There’re a whole lot of signs that say you’re running or hiding from something or someone or both.”
Kendra should have expected they’d figure that out. It was part of the risk of making friends, but she’d needed their friendship and now she had to trust in it. “My ex. He called himself my...Master.” It was hard to say. But after blurting out that she was a masochist, this shouldn’t be so bad. She concentrated on the faint lines in the wood grain of the table and forced herself to continue. “It took me too long to figure out he was really just an abuser. By the time it sank in, I was so stuck in the relationship I didn’t know how to get out.”
“Oh, Kendra.” Cali squeezed her arm, the sympathy flowing from her in waves that threatened to drown Kendra.
She sniffed and wiped at the moisture that accumulated at the corner of her eye. She wasn’t going to cry over this again. “I tried to leave a couple of times, but he wouldn’t let me. I know—” she rushed on, “—that sounds as pathetic as it is. But he’d taken control of everything in my life. I’m not weak, I swear. And I never thought that would be me. It was just so gradual, and he was so manipulative. Plus, my family thinks he’s perfect.” She exhaled, gathering the strength to finish now that she’d started. “It wasn’t until he whipped me bloody one night in a fit of rage that I knew I had to get out or risk being permanently injured or killed.”
“Oh my God.” The whispered exclamation came from Cali, and Kendra had to pull away from her gentle touch. She felt too dirty. Her skin practically crawled with the need to clean the scum from her body every time she thought about that horrible night. Even now she could still feel the blood as it ran off her back and down her sides as she huddled on the floor.
“What’d you do?”
Allie’s voice held that practical edge that allowed Kendra to answer. “I waited until my back had healed. Then one day while he was at work I got on the bus and didn’t look back. I told my family I needed to breathe so they wouldn’t worry about me, but that was it. It’s kind of sad that I’d rather my family think I’m flighty and inconsiderate than to know the truth.”
“I can understand that,” Cali offered. “I don’t want my family finding out about the other side of my relationship with Jake. If they knew he was my Dom as well as my boyfriend, I’d probably die of mortification.”
“But this is different,” Allie objected. “He was abusing you. Controlling you until you had no power at all. That’s not the same as having a Master hiding in your closet.”
“Maybe. But would they have believed me? Eric always threatened to tell my parents about my deviant desires if I ever said anything. I couldn’t risk that. I’d be too humiliated.”
“And it was better to get beat
en every day?”
Kendra cringed at Allie’s challenging slice. She hadn’t really expected her to understand. Not someone so strong and independent. “It was my fault,” she admitted in a low voice, her chin tucked in tight as she let the shame flood her.
“What?” The indignation and disbelief radiated stronger than the palm slap on table. “How was it your fault?” Allie demanded. “Did you make him hit you?”
“No...but I was the one who...” Kendra swallowed, digging for the strength to finish. “Who asked him to the first time.”
Silence met her declaration, just as she’d expected it to. Guilty. The verdict rang through the quiet, making her shake. Why did she start this? They wouldn’t understand. She was going to lose the only friends she had all because of Eric once again. Damn him, damn him, damn him.
“You were into submission before you met Eric?” Cali asked, her words wading into the tension-filled room with the non-judgmental tone of someone who understood.
Kendra dared to raise her head just enough to take a quick look at Cali. Her expression was one of concern, the worry marring her brow, her lips pressed into a thin line. “Yes. Some.”
“What do you mean, some?”
It was only because she detected true curiosity, not doubt in Allie’s voice, that Kendra responded. “I had...played a little at a club. Nothing major. Just enough to know that I...that I liked it.” The heat crawled up her neck to cover her cheeks and face in a slow flush of embarrassment. “The first time I asked Eric to spank me, I thought he was going to throw me out of the bed. But then he smiled and did as I asked without any further questions. I never had to ask him again.”
Another lengthy silence passed before Cali probed further. “How long were you with him?”
Kendra blew out a breath, preparing for the next round. At least they hadn’t abandoned her yet. “Over three years.”
“Were they all bad?”
“No... Like I said, it was gradual.” She tightened her hands around the coffee mug, searching out the last bit of fading heat. “At first the play remained in the bedroom. I should have seen the first warning sign when he jumped into the Dom role without question. Within a week of me first saying something, he was fully stocked with an arsenal of tools. He really got off on ordering me around, and I...well, I enjoyed being sexually submissive.”
