by C. J. Thomas
I wished I could be with him, to support him.
On the other hand, he had used me. Reed reminded me of that. He’d made a fool of me. I wanted to see him hanged and then dance on his grave.
I couldn’t get the two sides of me—my heart and my pride—to sync up. They tugged this way and that as my mind kept flip flopping on how I felt. Hence the night spent tossing and turning.
“I wish I didn’t care,” I admitted, sitting beside my roommate. “It would be so much easier.”
“And I wish there was something I could say to make it all better,” Chloe murmured, patting my hand. “We’re here for you. All of us. It will be okay in the end. Everything always is, right?”
I smirked. How many times had I fed her that line over the years? My life might not have been perfect, I might have hated my job, but I’d had steady employment and a level head. I was always the advice guru. It was a rare occurrence for me to be the one in the hot seat.
Now I knew how she must have felt all those times when I gave her the same tired line about being positive.
“Have you seen anything about him there?” I asked, nodding toward the laptop.
“Nothing new, other than the arrest and the usual rehashed nonsense. I swear, when they have nothing new to say, they say something anyway. That must be such a boring job, being a journalist for gossip magazines.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, and I should know, since so much of my job used to be low-level writing.”
“You never sank to that level,” she pointed out. “You might have written a lot of fluffy puff pieces, but you didn’t speculate on people’s private lives and tear them apart. That’s a special level of slimy.”
“Fair enough.” I sighed. Slimy. That was how I used to describe Reed—along with a lot of other, more colorful terms. Now I was back working for him. Was the job title worth it? The salary certainly was.
“Just think, no matter what happens to Aaron, you got something good out of it. And you’re looking out for you, girl. That’s what you should have done all along.” She agreed with me that a man wouldn’t care about loyalty. He wouldn’t care that he might hurt another person’s feelings. He would make choices based on the facts.
And the facts were plain: Reed offered more money and better opportunity. No question about it; I had made the right decision.
“So why do I feel so shitty?” I asked, resting my head on my folded arms. Chloe rubbed my back, sighing.
“Because you have a heart. You felt things for him. I know you did. But it will all wear off in time. You’ll forget him.”
Would I?
I didn’t share her optimism, especially when I opened a closet full of clothes he’d given me. I couldn’t put them on without thinking of him. He was everywhere around me.
Sure, his conniving had resulted in me getting a fabulous new job. I would think about him when I went to work, knowing that if it weren’t for him, I’d still be sitting in a tiny, windowless closet with hardly anything to show for my long hours.
I would think about him any time I flew on a plane, probably, remembering what he’d done to me on the jet. My body would respond when I thought about it, and I would ache for him. For the pleasure only he could seem to give me.
I felt sorry for any man who thought they could measure up. I’d spend the rest of my life searching for that feeling, the complete abandon, the rapture of giving myself over fully. The bliss of knowing that my body was his release, that he used me to soothe and calm himself. The power in that. Would I ever meet a man who sparked the same intensity, the same fire?
I highly doubted it.
I knew I was being self-defeatist, that my morbid musings were the result of a broken heart. I couldn’t predict my future. I might meet a fabulous man who made me feel good about myself and was honest with me. Who sparked passion in me without dominating me.
I couldn’t close myself off from the possibility of happiness just because I thought I’d found it with the wrong person.
Stepping into a killer pair of shoes didn’t hurt my spirits. All I had to do was forget who gave them to me and I’d be all right.
CHAPTER 41
Kenzie
I stepped outside twenty minutes later, dressed to the nines and ready for my first full day as senior VP. It didn’t seem real yet.
I smiled to myself, taking a deep breath of morning air. It helped clear my still-foggy head, and I needed all the help I could get.
The neighborhood was just waking up, with dog walkers and joggers everywhere as trucks and cabs drove by. I loved the energy of the city and thought I would have to live in a neighborhood like this one no matter how much money I ended up making one day.
I took another deep breath, determined to let it boost my energy. It wasn’t as fresh and clean as the air in the Azores, but that was all part of the past.
I wished Aaron had never taken me there. I wished I didn’t know there was a part of the world like that, so different from the confusing reality I lived in. Even those memories were tainted by the knowledge that the whole trip had been a ploy to use me.
“Kenzie.” When I heard his voice, I was sure it had to be imaginary. I turned to find Aaron standing in front of the building.
“Were you waiting out here for me?” I asked, stunned.
He moved closer to me, out of the shadows. “Yes.”
He looked like hell, totally unlike the way he normally looked in public. “What’s this all about? When did you get out?”
“Oh, so you knew about that?”
“Who in the world didn’t know about that?” I asked. I was tired of his word games, tired of him answering a question with a question. He seemed to sense it, cutting to the chase.
“Just a little while ago—less than an hour.”
I gulped, a cold shiver running through me. I might have felt flattered back before I knew how Aaron had made me a pawn in his chess game. I might have swooned a little to think that he’d stop by my apartment before going home, just to speak to me.
But those days were long past.
All I could do was wonder if I was in any danger. His behavior was stalker-level.
“Why are you here?” I asked. “Why come here? What could I possibly have to say to you?”
He frowned, a look of severe disappointment floating over his face before his features hardened. “I wanted to talk to you because I had to explain myself. I wanted to get everything straight between us.”
All I could do was let out a harsh laugh. “Tell me another good one. You had the chance to do that before, remember? When I asked you to tell me the truth. All you did was feed me more lies.”
“I didn’t.”
“You’re even lying now,” I spat. “Lying about lying. Don’t you get tired of it? Don’t you confuse yourself? How can you possibly keep track of all the half-truths and lies and secrets? It must be exhausting. No wonder you look so tired.” I brushed past him, intending to hail a cab.
He tried to take hold of my arm, but I had momentum. I yanked my arm away, taking a few steps back.
“Don’t touch me. I don’t belong to you. I didn’t ask you to come here. Frankly, you’re wasting my time.”
It wasn’t my heart doing the talking. It was my wounded pride. I had to get some of myself back. He’d already taken so much from me. I had allowed him to take so much, and at the time I thought I’d done it willingly, happily.
How naïve could I be?
“Where is all this coming from?” he asked. To his credit, he looked genuinely stunned and hurt. He had to be a good actor—he’d fooled me for so long. I steeled myself against his tactics.
“It’s coming from the way you lied to me. Don’t you get it? I know why you hired me. You did it to get back at Reed. You used me, Aaron.” My voice cracked at the heavy admission. “You made me believe you wanted me because of me, not because of some childish revenge thing against Reed. I wasn’t even a person to you, was I? I was a tool.” I laughed so loudly, I
got the attention of a few early-morning joggers and it didn’t ease the pain the way I hoped it would. “Well, yes. I was a tool because I let myself believe you. I wanted to. I told myself you had a good reason for acting the way you did.”
“You were right! I did have a good reason, and I want to tell you about it.”
“You don’t get it at all. Your ego has totally blinded you.” I took a chance and stepped closer to him, telling myself not to care that his warmth and energy threatened to pull me even closer until I was in his arms. I wouldn’t be weak anymore. “I have no reason to believe you, ever again. You had so many chances to come clean with me. So many. And you let them all pass you by. I can’t give you another chance.”
“But Kenzie, Reed is the guilty one. He’s guilty of far worse than anybody accused me of.”
I stepped back, unwilling to believe him. “You can say that all you want, but I know it’s your need for forgiveness that makes you say it. You always have to be the good guy, even though I know how dishonest you are. I can’t buy it, Aaron.” I turned away, hailing a cab.
“It’s true. Come with me. I’ll tell you everything, I swear, but not out here. I don’t want anyone to overhear us.”
I heard desperation at the edges of his voice. He didn’t sound as cool and put-together as he normally did. Maybe it was the circles under his eyes, the sleepless night he’d clearly spent. That would make two of us. But at least I could hold myself together.
I laughed, keeping my back to him. “So what? People already have. Who cares if they hear more lies?” I was being stubborn, childish, and I knew it. I told myself it was all right, seeing how Reed and Aaron had been childish when they purposely put me between them. One good turn deserved another.
“Come back to my apartment. I need you. I’m desperate for you.” His hand touched my shoulder.
I brushed him off. I wanted him, needed him just as desperately as he said he needed me—maybe more. I wouldn’t leave myself open to his deception ever again.
“You had your chance. Besides, I have a job. I have a life. I can’t jump up and run at your every whim. I don’t belong to you, Aaron.”
Wouldn’t he just take the hint, already? I was only so strong. I could only deny him so many times. It took everything in me not to turn and fall into his arms, beg his forgiveness and hope he didn’t punish me too harshly.
I couldn’t believe who he’d turned me into.
I hated him, and me, for it.
“You’re going back to work for him? Even after I just told you he’s the guilty one?”
“Why should I believe you, dammit?” I turned to him, eyes flashing. I wanted to tear him apart so he would never, ever come near me again. “Why don’t you listen when someone else speaks? I don’t care what you say, and I can’t believe that after all this, you’re still going after him. Why won’t you just leave it alone? Let it go! Move on from it. Move on from me.” I thought my heart was literally breaking in my chest, the pain nearly excruciating as I watched his face fall.
I took a deep breath, willing myself to stay strong just a little longer.
“Aaron, we’re finished. You’re finished. Give it up. If Reed is guilty of something, the truth will come out.”
“It will come out sooner than you think, and you’ll see I was right.” His words were soft, low, persuasive.
“Fine. I hope you’re right, then. I hope you get some measure of peace after all this insanity. I’m tired of being in the middle of it. I’m just plain tired, Aaron.”
A cab approached. I threw up my arm, praying it would stop for me. I needed to get far, far away from Aaron and everything to do with him. If I could tear off my clothes and hand them to him as a way of disconnecting from his thrall, I would have.
He sighed, knowing he was defeated.
Finally.
I had won.
Victory never felt so awful.
I climbed into the cab, slamming the door shut between us. We were finished.
I struggled against the sobs that threatened to break loose the entire ride into work. Leave it to him to make it even harder to forget him. He’d found a way to ruin my first day in my new position and it would be impossible to rid him from my thoughts.
CHAPTER 42
Aaron
I couldn’t believe it when she got in the cab and pulled away. My shoulders slumped, my body feeling like it was being dragged on the ground.
What did I have if I didn’t have her?
For the first time, the pending victory over Reed seemed hollow, pointless. It didn’t matter if she wasn’t there to celebrate it with.
The worst part was the way she wouldn’t listen to me. I had killed every shred of trust she had. I only hoped I hadn’t ruined her for life.
Leave it to me to snuff out that spark of innocence that I had loved so much about her. She was hardened, jaded. She closed me out of her life, shut down in my presence. She’d been hurt, and badly.
By me.
I’d never forgive myself.
I hailed a cab, deciding to go home and wait for the news to break. There was nothing I could do to convince her I told the truth until Reed’s arrest. Then, maybe we could rebuild something together.
If she ever found it in her to trust me again.
I’d never understood before her just how important trust was. Since I’d broken hers, she would never look at me the same way again. I would have to find a way to live with that. Or find a way to regain that trust. I would do everything in my power, I decided.
She was worth that.
She was the only woman I’d cared about in years.
I realized that as I settled into the back seat of the cab, rattling off my address. He looked at me as though he didn’t believe I lived in such an upscale place—I wondered just how bad I looked, seeing as I wore the same custom-tailored suit I’d put on the day before. It wasn’t like I dressed like a bum. Dark circles and a day’s stubble might have meant a late night, or a night spent at a woman’s apartment.
Or maybe he recognized me, and that was why he kept glancing at me in the mirror. I wished I’d called my driver and had him pick me up. Kenzie had me in such a state, I couldn’t think straight.
I avoided the cabbie’s gaze in the mirror and looked out the window instead. I would have closed my eyes but knew I ran the risk of falling asleep if I did.
There were so many people out there, everyone in a big hurry to get to work. None of them cared very much what happened to me, how my case played out. They might have experienced a little schadenfreude when they heard the police had arrested me, but then moved on with their lives. It didn’t really matter, just as it wouldn’t matter when Reed was arrested later in the day.
Yet they would pick him apart for fun, as they had done to me. They’d amuse themselves like kids, until they got bored like children and discarded their bit of gossip.
What people didn’t understand when they gossiped like that was that there were people behind the stories. Lives being destroyed. Once the flash and intrigue died down, that victim of that conversation had to scrape things together and move on.
I knew I would.
Nothing that had happened was all that bad. I would move on.
I wouldn’t be able to forget Kenzie, and that was a problem.
I arrived at my building, relieved to have successfully avoided conversation with the cabbie, and kept my head down as I made my way inside. I felt a curious look as neighbors I didn’t know noticed me in the lobby. I only had to make it to the elevator, thanking God the whole way that the press hadn’t been alerted to my bail. They might have been waiting for me outside the doors if that were the case.
Even being home did nothing for me, in spite of the fact that I felt like I might drop dead of sheer exhaustion. I’d had plenty of sleepless nights before, for any number of reasons, but I’d never been so emotionally exhausted.
That was the problem. I didn’t know how to handle the emotions the events of the
past few days brought up. I wasn’t the sort of person to feel many emotions. I felt things, I wanted things, I wanted people, but I didn’t focus on my feelings.
It was a waste of time, or so I thought.
And it only led to pain down the line.
Case in point: the pain I felt over losing Kenzie, after only just recently realizing how much she meant to me.
I walked through the apartment, noticing its resemblance to a tomb. I liked the dark colors, the smooth, clean lines of the design and furnishings—when it was so quiet, though, it sent a shiver down my spine. The only sound in the place was my breathing.
For once, I wished there were somebody to welcome me home. Somebody to pour me a cup of coffee and tell me everything would be all right. I had been handling my shit on my own my entire life, and I preferred it that way.
In this moment, however, I needed someone. And that someone needed to be her. I needed Kenzie.
Why couldn’t she have come with me? What happened to me that I couldn’t convince her? I’d always been able to before.
In the shower, I asked myself who I was becoming. Since when did I beg a woman to do anything? Yet I had begged her, like a man begging for change. How pathetic.
Since when was I so quick to admit defeat?
That wasn’t like me at all. I was the last person to give up in a fight. I hung on until the very end—a holdover from my early days, when I’d had to scrap and fight for every last bit of food, shelter, protection, respect. I’d earned everything I called mine.
But I had tried with her.
I tried to get her to believe me.
And she refused.
Could I blame her? No. Not when I was honest with myself. I had lied and kept the truth from her. She wasn’t wrong when she called me out on the half-truths. I’d spent more energy trying to keep her in the dark than I had doing anything else. It all came back to haunt me, as it should have.
It wasn’t fair.
And now I saw it for what it was.
