Perfectly Honest

by O'Connor, Linda

  Where was the due process in that?

  On top of that, Crispin implied she wouldn’t be a team player, and wouldn’t fit in at Emerson if she didn’t agree. She’d be an outsider even before she had a chance to be an insider? Great. Just great. Mikaela threw the pencil on the desk. She could just go along with it, but what kind of precedent would be set doing that? How did she play this game?

  And, what was behind this?

  Not what. Who. Sam, Mikaela thought, that’s who. He wants operating time and he wants it badly enough to put pressure on his department head and the committee. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. And of course, Sam fit right in with the old boys’ club. So, what Sam wanted, he’d get. Wasn’t that always the case? His job was more important than hers. It didn’t matter that she was entitled to the operating time. That she had plans to build the department. It was about his needs being more important than hers. His job over her job. Again. God. It was Elliott all over. Mikaela stood up and paced in her office.

  It didn’t matter that her authority was undermined, that plans she put in place would be side railed, that it pitted her against other surgical departments. Until Sam got exactly what he wanted, he would continue to fight. He had the connections.

  Mikaela huffed out a breath and ran her hand through her hair. They could be good in bed together, but if she looked for respect or equality out of bed, she wasn’t going to find it. He went behind her back to get what he wanted. He didn’t even have the courtesy to discuss it with her. Did he think so little of her? Did he see her position as a figurehead only?

  Mikaela looked at the bobblehead, nodding thoughtlessly. Incensed, she swept it off the desk, into the garbage.

  Mikaela wiped her eyes, ashamed for letting herself fall for another man of the same mold. Hadn’t she learned anything from Elliott?

  Well, Mikaela thought, it appears it’s time for more change. Her chest squeezed at the thought and her resolve wavered and faltered for a fleeting moment. She sat down at her desk. As difficult as it was, deep down Mikaela knew she couldn’t settle for this without looking for a better solution. She was hired for this job and took her role seriously, even if others didn’t. So she’d look at the data and fight for what was best for her department. Diplomatically. Calmly. Assertively, in a politically correct way. But fight nonetheless. And she had a week to do it. So between clinics, operating, meetings, and deliveries, she would sort this out.

  Her relationship with Sam was another whole issue. She needed to step back and take a hard look at what was happening there. Her heart broke just a little. Before she went any further, she needed to know what the hell was going on between them. It was too late to walk away without being hurt. But damned if she was going to put up with another man walking all over her and not respecting her for all of who she was.

  I will not cry, I will not cry, she chanted. She rubbed the tears from her eyes. She had two more charts to finish and then she would go home. Home. His home, really. Mikaela sighed at how complicated change could be. Maybe she should start a list. Antagonize Department of Surgery. Confront Sam. Find new home. Boy, that all sounded like so much fun.

  What she really needed was to call Margo and arrange for some Margo-time this weekend. Mikaela picked up her cell phone to send a text when her pager rang. Mikaela glanced at the number. Deliver babies, she mentally added to the list. Home and Sam would have to wait.

  Chapter 27

  happenstance horoscope

  ARIES (March 21-April 19) Move forward and accept the inevitable. There are more possibilities open to you than you realize. Deal with what you’ve been given and don’t back away.

  The delivery had been complicated and Mikaela didn’t finish until two o’clock in the morning. She debated, but in the end, too tired to care, decided to crash on her couch in her office. It didn’t seem worth the effort to go home for the five hours she had before she was due back to start the clinic in the morning. Plus, although she knew she was being a coward and inventing excuses, she needed some distance from Sam.

  It was late afternoon when Mikaela finally gathered her briefcase, signed off call and headed out. The plan was to drop by Sam’s house, pack an overnight bag, and then drive to Rivermede, to her house. She had been texting Margo off and on throughout the day. They would meet at her house for dinner tonight. Tomorrow, they were going on a hike.

  Margo belonged to the Trail-Heads Association, and they had organized a snowshoe hike for Saturday. Mikaela tried to slip out of it when she heard Margo’s plans, but Margo wouldn’t have it. The fresh air would clear her head, she didn’t exercise enough, it was supposed to be a beautiful day, blah, blah, blah. Margo was worse than her mother. Both of their mothers. Knowing she was right didn’t really help.

  So they would indulge in take-out and a decadent dessert, maybe a movie with buttered popcorn tonight, and walk it off tomorrow. As much as she grumbled, Mikaela was really looking forward to spending time with Margo, even if it meant walking up a hill and back, for no good reason, for most of the day, in the snow. Who does that?

  Mikaela had also sent a text off to Sam to let him know she’d be away for the weekend. They ping-ponged back and forth with texts, and she began to wonder if he sounded disappointed. She shook her head impatiently. When you started to analyze the tone of text messages, you really did need time away. And she would have time. And spend it hiking. Up and down a hill with no purpose. All day. In the cold. With a group of people who thought that was fun.

  And that would be followed by more fun on Sunday. She would be spending tedious hours drafting a proposal explaining why she should keep her OR time instead of giving it to Sam – justifying keeping the hours she had been given a mere three months ago. Time that the board of directors deemed appropriate to a growing obstetrics department. The board of directors. Head honchos of the hospital. The ones who appointed her as department head.

  Mikaela banged the steering wheel. She hated wasting her time, and justifying her department’s OR time a mere three months after starting the job, was a waste of time. Except that if she didn’t put the time in now, six months down the road when she needed two days a week, it would be gone. And Sam would have what he wanted at her expense. No, it wasn’t going to happen, she resolved. She would enjoy tonight, endure tomorrow and on Sunday she would draft the best damn proposal the Department of Surgery had ever seen. And Sam could just go to hell. His mother was right. He was a dragon, an ox, and a goat.

  Mikaela pulled into Sam’s driveway and parked the car in front of the garage. Someone had widened the path in the snow to the front door, and the snow, which the sun had melted during the day, was freezing again into ice. She walked gingerly along. She wouldn’t want to sprain her ankle and miss the big snowshoe hike.

  The door opened silently as she pressed her finger to the pad. Her plan was to dash in and out again without speaking to Sam. Because right now she wasn’t sure she could get through a conversation with him without screaming or shouting. Or worse, crying.

  Mikaela blinked to wash away tears before they fell. She tried to hold onto anger, but it just hurt. She didn’t want to believe he would do this to her. She loved him and thought, well hoped, wanted badly to believe, he loved her too. She so desperately wanted him to be okay with her job. He gave a good impression, damn him. He never said a negative word to her about her job. And all the while, behind the scenes this is what was playing out.

  Mikaela felt betrayed. Like he had a mistress that she just discovered. And now she had to decide if she wanted to live with an ugly situation, pretend it didn’t matter, keep work at work and home at home, or bring it all out into the open and let him know how much he hurt her. But to understand how much he hurt her, he would have to understand how much she cared, and she definitely wasn’t ready to tell him. He didn’t deserve her heart. The snake.

  A wave of fatigue washed over her and her shoulders sagged under the weight of her briefcase. Mikaela slipped off her boots
and leaving her coat on, walked silently to the bedroom. She collected what she needed for the weekend, and with her overnight case on one shoulder, picked up her briefcase and slipped on her boots.

  Sam stood in the front hall watching her. Her head was down and her movements slow as she adjusted the weight of the bags and flicked her hair out from under the straps. She stopped abruptly when she saw him.

  His smile faded when he saw the dark circles under her eyes, tears shimmering, and her unhappy expression. “Hey, what’s up?” he asked hesitantly.

  “Nothing, just grabbing some stuff for the weekend,” she replied.

  “I didn’t hear you come in.”

  She shrugged and reached for her boots.

  “Is everything okay?”

  She stopped what she was doing and threw him a look, filled with disgust. She brushed away a tear impatiently.

  The look had him stepping back, but the tears stopped him. He threw his hands in the air. “What?”

  “I met with Bob Crispin yesterday.”

  Sam watched her swallow and struggle to continue. He wanted to hold her and soothe her. He wanted to reach out and brush away the sadness. But she was holding herself stiffly, she wasn’t meeting his gaze, and inexplicably the anger seemed directed at him.

  “He told me they’ve been tracking the use of my OR time.” She paused.

  “Yeah. They do that with everyone.”

  “Mmmhmm. Well, apparently, my first three months set the standard for my department. And the OR utilization committee,” she spat, “in its infinite wisdom and power, has decided to give away my time to a more deserving department.”

  Sam said nothing. He shoved his hands in his pockets and considered what she said. Competition for OR time was so fierce, he could see it happening. Hell, even he had been bugging his department head for more time. Losing time would be a blow, especially for a new department. “Crispin seems like a straight shooter. Did you talk to him about this?”

  “I tried. But apparently he’s only one member on the committee. They thought I wouldn’t mind.” She shook her head in disgust. “I have a week to put together a proposal to justify why I should keep the time.”

  “Well, that’s good. At least it’s not a done deal.”

  “Yeah, right. I’m sure they’ve already made their decision. I can’t honestly see how my presenting what they already know, or should know, will make a difference. They thought I wouldn’t mind,” she ranted. “How could you even think that, if you were a committee member? Not mind. Right. Obviously, they have another agenda entirely. Obviously, their priorities differ from mine.”

  “Make them see differently. You’re the department head. You’ve developed a solid rep for negotiating change and making fair decisions even in the short time you’ve been here. I’ve heard nothing but positive comments about your work here.”

  Mikaela stood still and looked at him with wide eyes. She brushed away tears impatiently. “Really? So it wouldn’t surprise you to hear that it’s the department of ophthalmology putting all this pressure on? That they’ve demanded more time? That they’ve managed to put themselves on the committee and push all this through?”

  Sam rocked back on his heels as it dawned on him why the anger was directed at him. “Aah,” he said. “So you think I’m behind this?”

  “Aren’t you?” she snapped.

  “You think I would go behind your back to get more OR time?”

  “I think you did.”

  Sam felt anger flare and looked away. He nodded his head slowly and backed away, clearing a path for her to the door. “Well, I guess you have a week to sort it out,” he acknowledged. “Have a good weekend.”

  “Thank you,” Mikaela said stiffly. “I’ll text you when I’m heading back.”

  “Sure. Whatever.” Sam turned and headed to the kitchen.

  Mikaela stared after him. Adjusting her bags, she wrenched open the front door and headed out to her car. She thought about slamming the door behind her, but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of showing him how much he hurt her.

  Fine. Have a good weekend, she mimicked. Fine. Pig. Snake. Goat. We’ll see if you’ll get away with this. She slammed the car door shut and shoved the key in the ignition. Twisting it harder than she needed to, she started the engine.

  I will not let another man interfere with my goals and ruin my job. I will not let another man make me unhappy. I will not fall in love with another man who does not respect me, and the work I do. She slumped in the seat and rested her forehead against the steering wheel.

  Too late, she sniffled.

  Chapter 28

  Zodiac Zach—Don’t leave home without him.

  ARIES (March 21-April 19) Address partnerships and professional relationships head-on. It’s important to keep your position clear if you want to avoid a misunderstanding. Being vague will lead to disappointment.

  Sam listened to Mikaela leave. What the hell? Where the hell had that come from? He had no idea that his demands, no surely not, his request, for more OR time would have this impact. He just asked, for god’s sake. How did it escalate into ruining what they had going? He had really been looking forward to this weekend. It was rare they both had it off, and he pictured them spending it together. They were good together, damn it. Outdoors, indoors, in the pool, in bed, he wanted to be with her.

  So while he was figuring out how to make the engagement real, she was fingering him for pulling strings behind her back and screwing her. Nice. Great opinion she has of you, O’Brien. But why would she think that? Why would he do that?

  Sure he’d jump at more OR time. It wasn’t a secret. But why would she think he would do something underhanded to get it? Especially to her. Did she think so little of him? Sam rubbed his eyes, suddenly very tired. Of course, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he was asking her to live a lie. That her whole world was turned upside down by the fallout. But she had done so well. She had the sweetest set-up. Why was it such a big deal?

  Because it was all lies and deceit. Their whole relationship was based on lies and deceit. And how could she trust a liar? Why would he think she would?

  This relationship crap was bullshit. He knew he wasn’t any good at it. He couldn’t even make a fake engagement work. What a joke. It was too much work and even if he was willing to stick his neck out, she wouldn’t trust him. He would always be the liar and cheat making her life miserable. She’d be questioning his motives and believing the worst before he was even aware they had a problem. And when they have a problem, she just up and leaves? Whatever happened to sticking around, talking about it, working it out?

  Sam winced as he listened to himself. Jeez, how many times had he heard that and dismissed it as he walked out the door and moved on? One night stand, one week, one month, it didn’t matter. He couldn’t be bothered. It was never worth the effort or the time to get into a discussion. If there was a problem, he would move on. End of problem.

  His gut clenched as he stared outside into the darkness. She’d come back. She would take some time to cool off and she’d come back. They would sit down and have a discussion. Even if it killed him.

  He would tell her how he felt. Sweat broke out on his brow and his heart raced. He rocked back on his heels. Maybe not. Maybe he would just start with an explanation about the OR time. Ease into this discussion thing. Plain and simple. Find out what was going on in her head and fix it. Sam winced. No, um, find out what she thought he had done and clear it up.

  He frowned.

  The trouble was he did want more OR time. Looks like he had a weekend to figure out how badly.

  Chapter 29

  Written in the Stars by Esmeralda Garnet

  ARIES (March 21-April 19) How you treat others will be influenced by how others treat you. Listen to both sides of the story before you take action.

  Later that night, Mikaela invited Margo in and pulled her close for a fierce hug.

  “Hey,” Margo said
as she stepped back, noting the strained look on Mikaela’s face. Mikaela was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Comfort clothes, Margo thought.

  “Come in,” Mikaela said. “I ordered Indian food and it just arrived so we should eat it while it’s hot.”

  “Sounds good. I haven’t had Indian for a while,” Margo said. She took off her coat and threw it on the nearby banister and followed Mikaela into the kitchen.

  Mikaela pulled out the dishes and set the kitchen table.

  “I picked up a caramel pear cheesecake for dessert. There’s a new bakery downtown and I was tempted by the chocolate creations, but the caramel had my name on it,” Margo said as she set the box on the counter.

  Mikaela laughed, and Margo breathed a sigh of relief as she watched her friend relax just a little.

  Margo grabbed the cutlery for the table.

  “Wine?” Mikaela asked, holding up a red and a white.

  “Absolutely.”

  Mikaela picked a pinot gris, twisted off the cap, and filled two glasses. She handed one to Margo as she sipped her own and gestured for them to sit down.

  “I ordered chicken korma, shrimp jalfreezi, saag paneer, cauliflower bhaji, and palao rice. And naan. So help yourself,” Mikaela invited.

  They filled their plates with a little of everything and ripped a naan bread in half to share.

  “The shrimp dish is spicy,” Margo commented as she scooped another mouthful. “I like it.”

  “It is good. I like the korma, too.”

  “Something about food I don’t have to cook just feeds my soul,” Margo said.